Outdoor Research Midge Competition - Results

by UKC News Jan/2010
This article has been read 2,362 times
+Bug Bucket, 143 kbThe Bug Bucket

In August 2009 we held a poetry competition in conjunction with Outdoor Research. For one reason and another the judging on this competition got very delayed and we were only able to actually declare winners at New Year. Apologies to all who entered for our bad organisation, the winning poems are published below.

The original poetry thread with all the entries is here.

Congratulations to the winners all of whom have now received their prizes - a bug bucket hat from Outdoor Research (right). Thanks to Outdoor Research for supplying the prizes.

+The exquisite and fine structure of the midge., 32 kb

Cupped in a warm palm of sunlight
beneath a jutting prow we tie together,
check our knots, brazen out the doubt.
Heights are easy. The bubbling fear won't win,
nor the blushing self-consciousness of chemistry
as you brush a chalk mark from my cheek.
Our trust is well earned, stronger than granite;
this rope a metaphor for something deeper.
Yet defeat still lurks - inevitable as the sinking sun -
the evening arrives on tiny wings and the air
is filled with maddening distraction.

- Alyson

midges, midges you little shits
you bite my arms, my legs and you get on my tits
you come from the sky
you all deserve to die
I'd like to smash you all to bits

- Big Steve

Dating

She loved, then she left.
'Just popping for a drink,' she said.

Should I care? I've got the best spot
On the moor, behind this rock.
I've done my thing - deserve a rest.

Will I meet her again, all stripes and smiles?

I followed the last one in the haze,
Found her dancing in some shadow,
Her and her crowd spinning in the smoke
of a pink beast.

As it waved they moved, in thrall.

Plenty more fish, I say.
Perhaps the next will stay
Awhile.

- Martin76

Culicoides impunctatus
Turns us into outdoor martyrs.

Skin So Soft
Don't help a bit
Against this tiny
Piece of

God's wonderful tapestry.

- ericoides

To a Midge

Wee sleekit, anoyin, monstrous beastie,
O what a pain in my breastie!
I will need to run t'pub hasty,
You eat us like cattle.
Avon bottle won't halt thee.
Y' make summer campin' a battle.

I'm truly sorry the climber's dominion,
Of crags and hills is spoilt,
By what is in my humble opinion,
The greatest of nature's blight,
This ever present winged companion,
That spoils every windless night!

As winter storms lay crags to waste,
Snow and ice are comin' fast.
Axe and crampons sharpened in haste.
The Ben may be a frightenin' place,
December hot aches are not to all's taste,
But at least then th' midgie spares y' face.

Still the midge is blessed, compared to me.
To find fulfilment so rapidly,
While I must climb to seek my heaven,
He just sinks his jaw so happily,
That bite to him is like my E - eleven.

- Oceanic

The classic and sharp Cuillin ridge
May be marred by the murderous midge...
From May to September
It pays to remember
You'd better not cross that Skye Bridge!

- Pete Stack

People hate me so they do and I don't know why
They hate me just for living, sad to say
When I try to introduce myself they turn on me
They try hard to kill me every day.
They will squash me on the campsite, they'll squash me at the crag
They will spray me on every Scottish ridge
Or take a giant fly-swat and chase me down the path
With a cry of "Kill it kill the midge!"

So if you think your life is dire,
I'd suggest that you enquire
What it's like to be a lonely midge!

I met this lady climber up on Stanage Edge
A beautiful girl with long blonde hair
Smooth suntanned skin and gorgeous shapely breasts
I found that I loved this girl so fair.
I wished with desperation I could have this lass
I hoped I could kiss her lips so sweet
Then she reached her lovely hand out in a way most elegant
And picked up a great big can of DEET!

So if you think your life is dire,
I'd suggest that you enquire
What it's like to be a lonely midge!

I'm an intellectual insect I will happily debate
Any interesting matter you can name
But when I make my argument no-one wants to know
The response is always just the same
First of all they will ignore me and then they loudly swear
That my presence is a problem without doubt
Then they burn citronella by the bushel and the ton
And wait for the fumes to drive me out!

So if you think your life is dire,
I'd suggest that you enquire
What it's like to be a lonely midge!

I'm very miserable I'm a midge without a friend.
I have a very boring social life.
At every opportunity I try to make a friend or three
But it brings me more trouble and more strife.
For they'll squash me on the campsite, they'll squash me at the crag
They will spray me on every Scottish ridge
Or take a giant fly-swat and chase me down the path
With a cry of "Kill it kill the midge!"

So if you think your life is dire,
I'd suggest that you enquire
What it's like to be a lonely midge!
Yes, really do enquire
For you'll find it's rather dire
To be a sad, much-hated midge!

- Wingnut

Midges, oh midges, the vain of our life,
Causing pain, stress and terror, loathing and strife.
Corrupting many a morning and many an eve,
Forcing the donning of a head net and an extra long sleeve.
On the highlands of Scotland, the valleys and Dale,
O'er lakes, o'er land, o'er hill, crag and vale.
You plague us and bite us, while we swat and we curse,
We scratch our skin away only making it worse.
And for what may I ask is the moral to the story?
Use 100% Deet and bask in midge free glory.

- Liaml89

day fades to dusk and on comes
an encompassing swarm
of soft black dots.
infuriating as they hit,
no care for sensitive bits,
eyes or ears. Wave a hand to
swat, wipe away the midges
and they squish. But
too late, they bit,
and remnants left on skin.
Strip of welts across
and up my back
itchy and inflamed red,
and embarassing extras,
bikini line and bum cheeks

- fidget

I tell ya now and I tell ya reet
Them midgey bastards like to eat
Owt can stagger on two feet
So stay at home and save yer DEET
Or face it that you're nowt but meat
That sits inside a flimsy sheet
Sleeping bag in't tent all neet
Itchin like a parakeet
With just feathers.

- jhenryb

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