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Yosemite Valley, Stories from the Bottom
Sunday April 1st, Lescar Hotel, Sheffield
Alas! Alas! Alas! The end of the Sheffield series. (At last! At Last! At Last! you might say). This Sunday, the first of April, sees the final show of this year’s Sheffield Ape Indexes. (The Catholic church asked us to bring it forward one week to make room for Easter) This week, the mediocre climber wishing to pay for his holidays will be me, Niall Grimes, (they don’t come any more mediocre than that) with a Yosemite show based on several trips the Valley. The show takes in many of the great routes, The Rostrum, Astroman, The Prow, Zodiac, Royal Arches amongst them, but also one of the main things about Yosemite, the people. Ex marines, white supremacists, junkies all pop up among the usual parade of mad for it aid merchants, German free-climbing übermensch, and red-hot speed climbers.
We have two videos this week as support. The first is the fabled Hard Grit 2, a home movie by Dan Honneyman featuring thrills and spills from some of the hardest grit routes in the Peak and Yorkshire. Shaky camera angles á la NYPD Blue and authentic acting gives this horror show a sense that these events are actually happening. HOLD ON A MINUTE! THEY ARE!!!!!!
On a much more sedate level, there will also be an excerpt from a forthcoming video from the Slackjaw stable, Bouldering in Britain. The section to be shown will feature climbing action in the beautiful coastlines of North Wales, and is a real treat. (This will not be of final production quality, as it is still in the editing stage, but you’ll get the idea.)
As a final treat we can also present Andy Kirkpatrick, Sheffield’s own Hull person, with his intriguing Commercial Break, where Andy promises to endorse some of his favourite products, namely, himself. (There are people still laughing from his last show, so try to calm down before Sunday).
Anyway, hope to see you there. And to all who have attended the shows throughout the winter, thank you, and I hope you have all enjoyed yourselves seeing them as we have doing them. For more info see the Ape Index web site. And to all those who enjoy slagging Sheffield off on the web, start now …..
Sunday April 1st, Lescar Hotel, Sheffield
Alas! Alas! Alas! The end of the Sheffield series. (At last! At Last! At Last! you might say). This Sunday, the first of April, sees the final show of this year’s Sheffield Ape Indexes. (The Catholic church asked us to bring it forward one week to make room for Easter) This week, the mediocre climber wishing to pay for his holidays will be me, Niall Grimes, (they don’t come any more mediocre than that) with a Yosemite show based on several trips the Valley. The show takes in many of the great routes, The Rostrum, Astroman, The Prow, Zodiac, Royal Arches amongst them, but also one of the main things about Yosemite, the people. Ex marines, white supremacists, junkies all pop up among the usual parade of mad for it aid merchants, German free-climbing übermensch, and red-hot speed climbers.
We have two videos this week as support. The first is the fabled Hard Grit 2, a home movie by Dan Honneyman featuring thrills and spills from some of the hardest grit routes in the Peak and Yorkshire. Shaky camera angles á la NYPD Blue and authentic acting gives this horror show a sense that these events are actually happening. HOLD ON A MINUTE! THEY ARE!!!!!!
On a much more sedate level, there will also be an excerpt from a forthcoming video from the Slackjaw stable, Bouldering in Britain. The section to be shown will feature climbing action in the beautiful coastlines of North Wales, and is a real treat. (This will not be of final production quality, as it is still in the editing stage, but you’ll get the idea.)
As a final treat we can also present Andy Kirkpatrick, Sheffield’s own Hull person, with his intriguing Commercial Break, where Andy promises to endorse some of his favourite products, namely, himself. (There are people still laughing from his last show, so try to calm down before Sunday).
Anyway, hope to see you there. And to all who have attended the shows throughout the winter, thank you, and I hope you have all enjoyed yourselves seeing them as we have doing them. For more info see the Ape Index web site. And to all those who enjoy slagging Sheffield off on the web, start now …..
I find the use of the word 'Ape' highly offensive and derogitory to all Cavers or CUD's (What does that stand for again?) like myself. It is typical of the 'Sheffield' scene - espiecaly a schene organised by an "IRISHMAN" that cavers are yet again used as a tool of redicule. Not since the film Threads have cavers and climbers come into so much contact, as with foot and mouth they have taken David Essexs advice and gone "Under grooouuunnnd". If are two words are to achieve peace and not go the way of Homo and neaderthal man then we must learn to understand each other and except our different ways. Therefore I think we, in accordance with Caving stricth ethics and lifestyle shoulfd rename apeindex Bitchindex instead.
Right Im off to eat some mud and get this horse cum out of my beard.
Right Im off to eat some mud and get this horse cum out of my beard.
>>>they have taken David Essexs advice and gone "Under grooouuunnnd"
er, The Jam, surely?
er, The Jam, surely?
Gustav. i personally find your xenophobia in extremely bad taste. if it weren't for the Irish we wouldn't have Guiness and i wouldn't have spent the entire 80s pissed on it with my best irish mate Faye down all the best Irish pubs in Kilburn. and if it weren't for grimer we wouldn't have had the fantastically entertaining ape index. leave him the f*&k alone he's a top man.
Jude, don't pick on me cos I'm no match for your untamed wit (you Eton Rifle you), but do you see yourself as some kind of defender of the weak? S'just that every time anybody says anything remotely stroppy to someone you either know or have taken a liking to you seem to leap to defend them and give the perpetrator of said offence the sharp edge of your e-tongue. This defence appears to consist of saying 'Xxxx is really funny and warm and fluffy and you must be a git cos you said something horrid to them'.
I'm starting to feel I can't disagree with anyone in your gang on here (particularly if they're a woman) or I'll end up with 65 lines of bollocking.
Could you maybe let us know who we're allowed to take the piss out of/disagree with/be rude to without getting on the wrong side of you?
Thank you (begging your pardon, Oh Wittiest of the Witty).
I'm starting to feel I can't disagree with anyone in your gang on here (particularly if they're a woman) or I'll end up with 65 lines of bollocking.
Could you maybe let us know who we're allowed to take the piss out of/disagree with/be rude to without getting on the wrong side of you?
Thank you (begging your pardon, Oh Wittiest of the Witty).
Gustav, quite frankly, your suggestion to call it Bitch Index, I find offensive. Especially in my position as vice-treasurer of the local leaf-catchers union, and, as you well know, have been working for years to disempower the word 'bitch' as applied to leaf-catchers worldwide. Your suggestion would set our campaign back two years. And could I still call it Ape Index if it were to concentrate on caving issues instead of climbing.
Yours,
Niall Grimes,
Bitch
Yours,
Niall Grimes,
Bitch
What's a leaf catcher?
Mark Tovler. You're a Manc, aren't you. Where would be a good spot there for one?
Niall, are you still looking at the Chorlton/Didsbury/Withington area or more in the city centre?
Mark - good idea. i used to live in Didsbury in Ballbrook Avenue.lots of good pubs there, good spot for it. is that pub still there where you get massive wedges of cheese and pate? i thought you were president of the leaf catchers union niall? god, a day of wielding a foam gun to raucous classical music and i've completely lost the plot as usual.
Look, I don't know what a leaf catcher is, that whole vice treasurer thing is an honerary post. I just get sent £3.88 a quarter and sign some sheets.
jude, hello, it's very early in the morning. i've got a belting hangover, i so very nearly crashed the computer last night larking around with my mate (who was famous. of course. but i've given up name dropping for lent)and i've got a day of DIY ahead of me and i'm pissed off. so i won't sabotage the grim one's thread but i will email you instead (like neil from the soundtrax thread he he! cool isn't he?!) ah. instantly cheered up.look grimer, i didn't mean to swear at you, but has f&m given even you a sense of humour disorder?. what i meant was, lighten up for heaven's sake. and i retract the kisses. i'm a slut when i'm pissed. (gosh, cyberspace is great isn't it, you can take back pissed canoodlings, cool. wish real life were like that.)
Jude, yeah that pub's still there. Can't remember the name of it for the life of me this morning, even tho' it's only 200 yards from my front door - I think I'm still suffering from checking out the new Railway pub near the Metropolitan last night. The Railway could be a possible Ape Index venue actually - it might be a bit too small tho'.
About how many people do you reckon you'd need room for Niall?
If you wanted to do it in the city centre then the Hop and Grape at the University Student's Union could be a possibility.
About how many people do you reckon you'd need room for Niall?
If you wanted to do it in the city centre then the Hop and Grape at the University Student's Union could be a possibility.
Hey Grimer, I know what a bloody leaf-catcher is you bloody charlatan! For fuck's sake man, you're a bloody writer, you can't use that as a bloody excuse. "Honerary" post indeed! Bloody cheek, I don't know. If you ever came to meetings you daft hoon you'd know that was leaf-catcher's code for "in-chief" - you're the bloody head of the whole treasury department, no small job mate, as if you'd know. Otherwise we'd 'ave called it the Honourary treasurer. We might be slightly strange but we ain't barbarians duck.
That £3.88 is for your travelling expenses to our meetings half way up Swimmer's Chimney at Frogg...Shit. Blown it now haven't I?! You're a bloody disgrace you, the organisation was in bad enough internal turmoil as it was, what with your maverick treasurers sinking our money into crisps and sky-rockets. And a timeshare in Wardlow. It even got to the stage where they stopped asking where the scruffy Irish gypsy they thought we'd got to put 'em reet was. Well now its all gone 'cos of what you made me say, now its just happy memories from the early days...
I say, I remember the second meeting I ever went up to. Hell, the path up from the Chequers was still a scratching, and the leaves lay moist underfoot, gilding the peat. Autumn. The acrid smoke of the asbestos factory hung in my chest. Somehow made this getaway all the more exciting. We beat up the path in a short procession until the trees folded back in deference to it. The Pinnacle. Grand, with a barrel chest and solid torso which watched over the Edge with never sleeping eyes. The first meeting was in the gully behind here, but the Chairman had picked somewhere a bit more 'out of the way' for this meeting. Turned out he was right.
As the rest of the members made their way up through the hole at the back of the cave, I heard a faint shout over their muffled struggles. I was excited about the meeting, but I was only young; my inquisitive nature got the better of me in a few seconds (I didn't want to miss another shout), and 'cos I was at the back of the queue, it wasn't too hard to sneak away from the wriggling feet of the guy in front. They wouldn't notice my abscence. They didn't notice when I was there.
I ran along the foot of the rocks, past the Guardian, then...Shit! There was a man half-way up the blank cliff just along the way. I shouted at 'im, maybe he didn't know. No words. I was shitting myself just looking at 'im, he must be terrified! I ran to get the others. No movement. But, there was movement. From Him. Despite his position, he climbed further upwards. He must be a real magician I thought. Or a spirit. I tried to calm down, and I looked at Him more closely. He was magnificient, the finest specimen of a man I had ever seen. His curly locks billowed finely out from beneath his red wool cap. His white dungarees must be what wizards wear these days I thought, trying to rationalise their appearance on Him. He levitated up the smooth rock with the lightest of touches - I daresay that had the rock not even been there he could still have got the top. Maybe the Guardian does sleep after all...
This state of awe was broken by a funny looking chap holding a camera. Whacking it up to 'is face he shouted up to 'is mate "Aye Mart lad, this'll look cracking for t'Froggatt section of the forthcoming 1985 copy of the Derwent Gritstone Guide. They wanted one of Downhill Racer." Having noted the strange transition from Northen to factual in this sentence, as though hinting at something, I left to wedge myself in the slot, ready for the end of the meeting.
They. What. What? Oh. Yeah. Grimer, you're sacked.
Yours with menaces, the 7th Chairman of the Leaf-Catchers.
That £3.88 is for your travelling expenses to our meetings half way up Swimmer's Chimney at Frogg...Shit. Blown it now haven't I?! You're a bloody disgrace you, the organisation was in bad enough internal turmoil as it was, what with your maverick treasurers sinking our money into crisps and sky-rockets. And a timeshare in Wardlow. It even got to the stage where they stopped asking where the scruffy Irish gypsy they thought we'd got to put 'em reet was. Well now its all gone 'cos of what you made me say, now its just happy memories from the early days...
I say, I remember the second meeting I ever went up to. Hell, the path up from the Chequers was still a scratching, and the leaves lay moist underfoot, gilding the peat. Autumn. The acrid smoke of the asbestos factory hung in my chest. Somehow made this getaway all the more exciting. We beat up the path in a short procession until the trees folded back in deference to it. The Pinnacle. Grand, with a barrel chest and solid torso which watched over the Edge with never sleeping eyes. The first meeting was in the gully behind here, but the Chairman had picked somewhere a bit more 'out of the way' for this meeting. Turned out he was right.
As the rest of the members made their way up through the hole at the back of the cave, I heard a faint shout over their muffled struggles. I was excited about the meeting, but I was only young; my inquisitive nature got the better of me in a few seconds (I didn't want to miss another shout), and 'cos I was at the back of the queue, it wasn't too hard to sneak away from the wriggling feet of the guy in front. They wouldn't notice my abscence. They didn't notice when I was there.
I ran along the foot of the rocks, past the Guardian, then...Shit! There was a man half-way up the blank cliff just along the way. I shouted at 'im, maybe he didn't know. No words. I was shitting myself just looking at 'im, he must be terrified! I ran to get the others. No movement. But, there was movement. From Him. Despite his position, he climbed further upwards. He must be a real magician I thought. Or a spirit. I tried to calm down, and I looked at Him more closely. He was magnificient, the finest specimen of a man I had ever seen. His curly locks billowed finely out from beneath his red wool cap. His white dungarees must be what wizards wear these days I thought, trying to rationalise their appearance on Him. He levitated up the smooth rock with the lightest of touches - I daresay that had the rock not even been there he could still have got the top. Maybe the Guardian does sleep after all...
This state of awe was broken by a funny looking chap holding a camera. Whacking it up to 'is face he shouted up to 'is mate "Aye Mart lad, this'll look cracking for t'Froggatt section of the forthcoming 1985 copy of the Derwent Gritstone Guide. They wanted one of Downhill Racer." Having noted the strange transition from Northen to factual in this sentence, as though hinting at something, I left to wedge myself in the slot, ready for the end of the meeting.
They. What. What? Oh. Yeah. Grimer, you're sacked.
Yours with menaces, the 7th Chairman of the Leaf-Catchers.
Look Neil, or whatever your mane is, there's no need to be like that, it was only a joke. When I said I was only an honerary treasurer, that was only to throw off the frog painters from Melton M who have been appearing at my house every afternoon posing as TV license dog catchers. No offence was intended whatsoever to either you or the high-stepping great one. But, man, times are changing. That £3.88 only gets me as far as Buttermere Road, such are the running costs of my particle accelerator. Christ, last AGM I started walking from there. By the time i got to Swimmers Chimney you lot had all passed off.
Anyway, I wish no hard feelings, to you, a veteran of the 1985 chapter. Myself, I can only claim '92 vintage, so I hold you in the highest esteem. My you please remove this dreaded fatwah from my shadow, and let me live in peace, and please can I have my job back (it looks good on the CV)
Yours, prostrate in gutter humility,
Mr Grimes (former) hon. treasurer
ex bitch
Anyway, I wish no hard feelings, to you, a veteran of the 1985 chapter. Myself, I can only claim '92 vintage, so I hold you in the highest esteem. My you please remove this dreaded fatwah from my shadow, and let me live in peace, and please can I have my job back (it looks good on the CV)
Yours, prostrate in gutter humility,
Mr Grimes (former) hon. treasurer
ex bitch
neil: you know i only fancy writers and on a strict scale of how much they make me larf.....goo goo ga ga drooool blurpyblopppopdripdrop google goggle ga.....sigh......faint.......blerrrrrr. hey neil. i was very impressed that you can send emails like that when shitfaced you funky liddle dingbat you, and quite evidently typing with two fists and no fingers (don't think you'll get away with that kind of thing in private with me either neil ;- ) (oh god. you're only 18, just remembered, i'll have to teach you everything. booorrring give me a swede anyday they feed you smorgasbords and filmjolk and don't need lessons.(DONT MENTION THE FERRY NEIL THAT WAS IN CONFIDENCE and the question is begging to be posed, pray why is my delicious friend niall grimes pretending he doesn't remember getting you and your irish friend trashed and taking you to Ben Moon's party? or you seeing him have a shave with a pair of clippers? interesting. oh, and neil, you know you were talking about the bloke taking the piss out of a bar-queuing Jerry behind his back at that party? that cracked martin up. it was him c u day after 2moro xxx
Evening, I've been contacted by a Dr Raj Persaud from Yorskire televiions excelent 'This Morning' program - not the one with Anne and Nick - but the other one with that Alcaholic Wife and the husband who steal Alchol to feed her habit (or so I'm told).
Anyway - I digress - I've been notifyed by mr Perssaud about an event that will take place this sunday and I am requsring your help.
It has cum to our attension here at Sheffield CID that a Mr Nial Grimer or 'Grimy' as he is called, has been involved in an elicit trade in fake mice eyebrows (as well as several other matters such as his 'leaf catching'). This has been carried while promoting his so called 'Apeindex' climbing roadshow. We have had him under servouslance for three weeks, using a tiny camera located in his cats bottom. So far I must admit that what we've seen so far has been mainly shit.
But last week we did see him sticking some pubic hair (taken from a mizz Jude Tompkinson or 'Stalker' as she is called) onto several small mice. He was only interupted by a fellow climber , Andy Kirkpatrick or 'It wasn't me (sung in a Shaggy styly)' as he is now known. After a bout of energetic buggery we saw him insert the mouse into a spiecal hole in Mr Kirkpatricks false leg (We had a lense).
To cut to the chase - with this evedence we are about to shut down Mr Grimes sorded little outfit, with a raid taking place on Sunday night (Yes Mr Grimes you carn't out smart the Sheffield CID by doing your show a week early.)
This is were we need your help. At around 10 ocklock you will hear a wistle blow (that will be our secert signal). The SAS will be positioned near to Condom Machine in the mens Lavortory and we want everyone to lie down at this signal (apart from Adrian Berry) as we will come in blazing as we know Mr Grimes will be armed.
See you there and thanks for your time.
Inspector Qim
Anyway - I digress - I've been notifyed by mr Perssaud about an event that will take place this sunday and I am requsring your help.
It has cum to our attension here at Sheffield CID that a Mr Nial Grimer or 'Grimy' as he is called, has been involved in an elicit trade in fake mice eyebrows (as well as several other matters such as his 'leaf catching'). This has been carried while promoting his so called 'Apeindex' climbing roadshow. We have had him under servouslance for three weeks, using a tiny camera located in his cats bottom. So far I must admit that what we've seen so far has been mainly shit.
But last week we did see him sticking some pubic hair (taken from a mizz Jude Tompkinson or 'Stalker' as she is called) onto several small mice. He was only interupted by a fellow climber , Andy Kirkpatrick or 'It wasn't me (sung in a Shaggy styly)' as he is now known. After a bout of energetic buggery we saw him insert the mouse into a spiecal hole in Mr Kirkpatricks false leg (We had a lense).
To cut to the chase - with this evedence we are about to shut down Mr Grimes sorded little outfit, with a raid taking place on Sunday night (Yes Mr Grimes you carn't out smart the Sheffield CID by doing your show a week early.)
This is were we need your help. At around 10 ocklock you will hear a wistle blow (that will be our secert signal). The SAS will be positioned near to Condom Machine in the mens Lavortory and we want everyone to lie down at this signal (apart from Adrian Berry) as we will come in blazing as we know Mr Grimes will be armed.
See you there and thanks for your time.
Inspector Qim
I Qim. very dada movement.and the only stalking i do is into men's heads luv but not yours, in your dreams matey. however there are men and there are go for it men. over to you neil: that was bien sur my beloved husband on downhill racer as well as behind jerry at the bar wasn't it neil: i've achieved cult status not only with you and mattB: a powerful muslim decreer of edicts haunting himself, and himself a catholic bejeez. i will email u some funny caving stories neil, email of half hour ago was a cracker too you WAG, you absolute WAG pschw pschw pschw and this time i'm sober
only kidding. neil, i think himself should go and do some prep for the show and stop using other peoples' computers don't you? he needs help. or absolution or something.
Fuckin' 'ell, do you really know Dr Raj Persuad? He is my hero. I mean, how can he seriously be a pyschologist?! He doesn't have time inbetween all the plop he talks on virtually EVERY TV program. Good luck to him, as he has scammed a nation. Perhaps he was sent by the aliens to make us all dysfunctional.
Don't believe me? Here is my favourite example of his obvious lack of connection with the rest of humanity. He was asked in some magazine or other "What can I do, I'm finding my girlfriend less sexually attractrive". Raj's considered answer included the amazing phrase:
"Do not worry Mr X., this is quite common. In fact, the majority of men lose their physical attraction to their partner, and SATISFY THEMSELVES AFTER SEX WHILST LYING NEXT TO THEIR SLEEPING PARTNER".
What?! Women, did you know this? I didn't, maybe that's what I'm doing wrong...
Ta ta, Neil.
Don't believe me? Here is my favourite example of his obvious lack of connection with the rest of humanity. He was asked in some magazine or other "What can I do, I'm finding my girlfriend less sexually attractrive". Raj's considered answer included the amazing phrase:
"Do not worry Mr X., this is quite common. In fact, the majority of men lose their physical attraction to their partner, and SATISFY THEMSELVES AFTER SEX WHILST LYING NEXT TO THEIR SLEEPING PARTNER".
What?! Women, did you know this? I didn't, maybe that's what I'm doing wrong...
Ta ta, Neil.
oh right. geddit. didn't even have to leave the comfort of own lounge, just slotted in handy tesco internet cd from a pile of useless internet cds we all have lying around and use as frisbees to attempt to decapitate unruly kids. off to the photography thread to discuss transparencies neil, ring after 6.30 OK, kids tea to sort out xxx
Watcha Jude.
I'll never forget one night I spent in Sheffield, waiting for the Apocalypse (I was sure it was going to come, for I had just visited the Three Stag's Head). I was cold, and shivering as I waited in my own filth, leant up against the warm windows of the bakery section of a Sheffield Tesco's. I don't think they were baking much that night.
It was about closing time, and security were chucking the drunks out into the cold. Filthy they were, all wizzened and dishevelled, and all with a grudge against life. Then, someone who I thought came from their midsts, but in fact came from Ireland slithered into view. He was like a cariacature of them though, his beard was much worse than theirs and he appeared to hold a bigger grudge. I thought perhaps he was their King.
"Gimme all your free internet CD's" he barked, in a very bad posh accent. The security guard didn't seem too bothered by this rather impolite request. They were free after all.
Suddenly this ogre fires a gun into the air. The security man quickly became more subservient, as the smoke from the cap gun wafted past the ogres face. Impressive weapon I thought. The red insert in the barrel had been skillfully ripped out. The security man hurriedly hands the Tesco free internet CD's to the beast, but then, as if occupied by some courage that perhaps he thought should come with the job, he asked "Haven't I seen you before?".
A look of complete blankness gripped the ogre's face. It had been there all along. He menacingly retorted "No. I am not Niall Grimes." before going on to say his full address and list all his alter egos, beginning with Gustav. Never the brightest, the Irish.
As the security guard curled up in fits of laughter, the lying migrant fired off a few more caps and legged it. This last scene looked very suspicious to the passing Sheffield policeman, who incidentally had never heard of Inspector Qim - he must be new.
None of this had disturbed me much, until now. Let's just wait and see eh.
Ta ta, Neil.
I'll never forget one night I spent in Sheffield, waiting for the Apocalypse (I was sure it was going to come, for I had just visited the Three Stag's Head). I was cold, and shivering as I waited in my own filth, leant up against the warm windows of the bakery section of a Sheffield Tesco's. I don't think they were baking much that night.
It was about closing time, and security were chucking the drunks out into the cold. Filthy they were, all wizzened and dishevelled, and all with a grudge against life. Then, someone who I thought came from their midsts, but in fact came from Ireland slithered into view. He was like a cariacature of them though, his beard was much worse than theirs and he appeared to hold a bigger grudge. I thought perhaps he was their King.
"Gimme all your free internet CD's" he barked, in a very bad posh accent. The security guard didn't seem too bothered by this rather impolite request. They were free after all.
Suddenly this ogre fires a gun into the air. The security man quickly became more subservient, as the smoke from the cap gun wafted past the ogres face. Impressive weapon I thought. The red insert in the barrel had been skillfully ripped out. The security man hurriedly hands the Tesco free internet CD's to the beast, but then, as if occupied by some courage that perhaps he thought should come with the job, he asked "Haven't I seen you before?".
A look of complete blankness gripped the ogre's face. It had been there all along. He menacingly retorted "No. I am not Niall Grimes." before going on to say his full address and list all his alter egos, beginning with Gustav. Never the brightest, the Irish.
As the security guard curled up in fits of laughter, the lying migrant fired off a few more caps and legged it. This last scene looked very suspicious to the passing Sheffield policeman, who incidentally had never heard of Inspector Qim - he must be new.
None of this had disturbed me much, until now. Let's just wait and see eh.
Ta ta, Neil.
These last emails certainly makes me realise that while we may not be the brightest race...... we're certainly not the most intellegent
grimer: u r a top man. we love ya mate and me and neil will be in the front of the audience on sunday cheering your fucking brilliant stand up comedy lad. plus, me and karen will video it 4 u 4 posterity (only with your permission of course bcause one day you'll be famous.well, after today, you are already. hotmail r sending me v.threatening messages with reference to my inbox which is bursting with about 30 emails all cheering the same (blokey) thing (needless to say not from jude and kate .......fight!fight!fight!well, c lads, we are a touch above that. neil is a mathematician. niall is irish. both well fucking cool. right. got party to organise with next door neighbour's skateboarding son just returned from wicked 6 months snowboarding in Canada. grimer. u r welcome luv.
I've got a stomach bug, and reading this pile of shite makes me want to throw up again................
rite people, how is it all going. Tell me grimer how do you not remember that nite at bens really exciting party...well. how r u doing ne way. Ive quit uni in nottingham and am going to sheffield in september to do geog ( to climb obviously.) Im going to buoux next week and then staying in notts with neil , my mate who is meeting jude in some cafe or something today, so ill be up to stay at yours if you dont mind. Then im going to the states for 3 months with him so any info any of you could give us would be appreciated. what about paul and the baby thing, what the fucks he doing. Talk to you soon any way. im going back to bed, i had a bad nite...sore head.
who r u gustav and where r u from. ps neil r u at home or in sheffield now. whats this leaf catcher stuff about grimer. hows ur cat.
Theres nothin wrong with the irish!! I have irish blood in me....explains a lot eh? <sorry, just had to add that> without ireland there would be no U2! and i wouldnt be able to play my fab bodhran!
I'm in Sheffield now Si. Hey, I'll send you an e-mail 'bout it, but let me just say (as if it weren't obvious) that Grimer IS Gustav, and Jude Calvert-Toulmin is catching leaves as we speak. In her front room. Would you believe it. My cat is dead, how did you know? Hey, Grimer did a talk about Yosemite. There were a lot of pictures of bottoms.
Still up for it boyo.
Are you scared of a pearl necklace.
'Cos that's what you'll be getting duck. Looking forward to buying chips off ya mate!
Ta ta, Neil.
Still up for it boyo.
Are you scared of a pearl necklace.
'Cos that's what you'll be getting duck. Looking forward to buying chips off ya mate!
Ta ta, Neil.
niall, i feel i should apologise for my raucous behaviour last night at your show, being the only person in the packed room not to notice that the bar break had actually ended and there was a performance going on (yours)(and the usual brilliant one at that) and yak yak yakking in the back row and being a prat, basically. clare foster had to go shush to me! oh heavens! the woman i admire most in the entire universe! how will i ever hold my face up again in public! neil (foster - eh, fooled you there for a sec) i know you read all this. tell clare how embarrassed i am and ask her if she will ever speak to me again.i hold her in high esteem.
anyway, the reason i was so shitfaced was............i had been intoducing neil to the delights of vodka and cranberry/raspberry juice from 5pm onwards, because i was a bit freaked out due to a surreal morning. it involved seb and brigitte(famous climber and climber's moll), meeting a cybachum whose visage was a complete mystery to me (neil, stop interrupting me i can do this on my own i don't need your help (unless you've got swedish blood in you luv
, then giving instructions to sean myles (famous climber) regarding cybachum if he ran into him first cause i was running an hour late, and then opening the car door outside tesco to hear simon bates discussing my love life with names, i might add, like "JUDE AND MARTIN" on classic fm at full blast with a mum i know walking past, jaw dropping, whispering to her husband "she really IS mad." so i had to get drunk. full story later. me and neil are dog walking and coff revving it with our pals paul mitchell and grimester. life is strange.
anyway, the reason i was so shitfaced was............i had been intoducing neil to the delights of vodka and cranberry/raspberry juice from 5pm onwards, because i was a bit freaked out due to a surreal morning. it involved seb and brigitte(famous climber and climber's moll), meeting a cybachum whose visage was a complete mystery to me (neil, stop interrupting me i can do this on my own i don't need your help (unless you've got swedish blood in you luv
, then giving instructions to sean myles (famous climber) regarding cybachum if he ran into him first cause i was running an hour late, and then opening the car door outside tesco to hear simon bates discussing my love life with names, i might add, like "JUDE AND MARTIN" on classic fm at full blast with a mum i know walking past, jaw dropping, whispering to her husband "she really IS mad." so i had to get drunk. full story later. me and neil are dog walking and coff revving it with our pals paul mitchell and grimester. life is strange.
hi irish simon: niel's told me all about you. and guess what. he wants to move to sheff. he's had such a thoroughly and jolly stonking good time he's decided this is the place 4 him. you should have seen him today rampaging through sheff centre with my bubbly blond busty friend joanne (famous gangsta's moll but not a climber) and paul mitchell (famous climber from the lycra days)- neil is the archetypal sane genius aint he? we were running towards each other down the middle of division street dodging traffic with our arms outstretched in the classic john and yoko beach scene, only with loadsa traffic hooting us and people leaning out of windows yelling at us, whilst mitch chatted up some karate babe he knew and joanne collapsed laughing on the pavement. crazy. both my girls are totally smitten with neil now and my 5 year old son said "he's my favourite grown up person" and as i posted on another thread simon, my daughter hollie said to me whilst her and other daughter jodie tied him up in a sleeping bag : "Mum, is niel your shite in nighting armour?" the entire human contents of the lounge were rolling around on the carpet trying not to piss themselves. i think one 5 year old did piss himself. niel didn't, but he did fall over in the mud on a dog walk which made both daughters also fall over in the mud pissing themselves. had a great day simon, life is fun
Alrite jude, im glad u had a good day with my mate neil. He's a top lad. Im going to sheffield uni nxt year so im sure i will bump into ya sometime around there if not b4 we go away. neil just wants to move to sheffield because of the climbing and he cant hack the fact that im moving there. no doubt he will try and inflict himself on me most weekends though. but if any of you fancy coming over here and doing some 'real' climbing at fair head, give me a shout.
p.s. whats a leaf catcher.
p.s. whats a leaf catcher.
wtf - you lot really are on drugs. Back to chill out to soundtrack from Jackie Brown - wring thread...? Who can tell...
a leaf catcher is a hypothetical lover simon, keep up with the plot luv. (something i wasnt able to do msm'ing you and neil whilst trying to talk to karen on my mobile - you were as lost as me weren't you simon? - think i'll stick to emails and videos of obscure european films, it's easier
In reply to irish simon: irish simon, am posting this in the hope you'll see it on your return from holiday. you should have two emails from me not just one OK? the second one is the relevant one but my outlook express is really playing up and i dont know if i sent it.
In reply to jude calvert-toulmin: How many of those ape index lectures where there and does any one know if there r going to be any more cause i missed them all. Also i like the way grimer can make any boring shit seem interesting......only joking G. p.s. thanx for the pizza recipies jude.....but ive burnt neils kitchen down.
In reply to irish si:
We had 7 ape index events at the Lescar this past winter. We'll be running again through next winter, probably starting some time in October. Details will get spammed to this site and you can always check what the plans are by looking at apeindex.com.
Cheers,
Mark
We had 7 ape index events at the Lescar this past winter. We'll be running again through next winter, probably starting some time in October. Details will get spammed to this site and you can always check what the plans are by looking at apeindex.com.
Cheers,
Mark
In reply to irish si: soz we can't make this weekend si, but there's plenty of pizza in the freezer for next time you come up. i agree with you about grimer. he can make the most inane subject hilarious. like cats, sheep, slides found in the street, oh my goodness, so many things - what a talented lad!
have you repaired neil's kitchen yet?!
have you repaired neil's kitchen yet?!
In reply to jct: well ive managed to keep this thread from disappearing off the end of page 10 for some weeks now. if anyone reading the OTE article wants to comment on this thread (for it was the best thread ever on rocktalk in many peoples' opinions who've emailed me) then feel free.
it just goes to show how entertaining a thread can be when it's not just people slagging each other off, but three good writers writing well.
it just goes to show how entertaining a thread can be when it's not just people slagging each other off, but three good writers writing well.
Holes in the sky where the rain gets in...Yet the holes are small so the rain is thin
Did you know that despite the name of the lecture series, apes are in fact rubbish at indexing things? I got my pet ape, Joey, to index my collection of metric fasteners in ascending miliimetrical order one balmy afternoon, and did he do it?
Did he bollocks!
He grew tired of the task after racking them correctly up to M5, the rest he threw around as though at some kind of monkey's tea party. Bloody apes...
Did he bollocks!
He grew tired of the task after racking them correctly up to M5, the rest he threw around as though at some kind of monkey's tea party. Bloody apes...
In reply to Jonathan: always the best way to get out of a sticky situation jonathan
I am fairly new on rocktalk and have just read all of this after reading Jude's article.
Neil, why don't you take up writing professionally? I've seen Grimer's writing before and I like most of his articles, dislike others, but Neil's writing is very good. Am I on my own here?
Neil, why don't you take up writing professionally? I've seen Grimer's writing before and I like most of his articles, dislike others, but Neil's writing is very good. Am I on my own here?
In reply to max: yup. neil, rather like the chuckling grim one, is pearls before swine.
In reply to niall grimes: cool. hey grimester. just interviewed richy for OTE and heard you had a very big smile on your face when they asked you to be an extra on Peak Practice. Richy said it was a right laugh over the weekend doing that.
In reply to niall grimes: i forgot to smile. you always make me smile grimest.
In reply to niall grimes: Considering the nature of this thread, it is very humble of you to admit that Niall. I respect humility, just like I respect fellow climbers who admit the limitations of their climbing ability as a matter of fact. Jude, you are very flirtatious are you not young lady? Behave yourself. Although I must admit I like it when it is me on the receiving end
In reply to max: ooh. just missed you maxy baby, hi there! im here to tell the grimest. a joke. hey grimer, as you havent joined us over on climbingmedia yet, you'll miss this joke, so i thought id post it somewhere you'd see it as i knew it was right up your street!
"What do you call an Australian with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?
Bisexual."
"What do you call an Australian with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?
Bisexual."
In reply to jude calvert-toulmin:
hey jude, thats a wicked joke
got any more like that? i need some entertainment in my life seeing as i cant climb much at the moment cos ive got boring exams
sharkey boy
hey jude, thats a wicked joke
got any more like that? i need some entertainment in my life seeing as i cant climb much at the moment cos ive got boring exams
sharkey boy
In reply to Sharkey Boy:
This skeleton walks into a bar and says,
"I'd like a beer and a mop..."
This skeleton walks into a bar and says,
"I'd like a beer and a mop..."
In reply to jude calvert-toulmin:
There's a blonde going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
There's a blonde going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
In reply to jude calvert-toulmin:
What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
"It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."
What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
"It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."
In reply to jude calvert-toulmin: (i like these blonde ones, as i am one!) this is your lot sharkey boy OK?
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave to her.
Happy revision!
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave to her.
Happy revision!
In reply to jude calvert-toulmin: oh go on then, just one more:
Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
More leg room.
Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
More leg room.
In reply to jude calvert-toulmin:
thanx jude - its making my "attempt" at revision much more enlightening...and fun!
If only you had to climb to pass GCSEs...
Sharkey Boy
thanx jude - its making my "attempt" at revision much more enlightening...and fun!
If only you had to climb to pass GCSEs...
Sharkey Boy
In reply to jude calvert-toulmin:
there was this intelligent blonde who was so fed up with being called dumb that she decided she would treat herself to a complete makeover, and go brunette.
So pleased was she with her new look that off she went for a spin in the peak district to try out her new look. Whilst driving down a country lane she spotted a farmer in a field with his flock of sheep.
I know she thought I'll see if my new 'look' is working.
'Excuse me' she said to the farmer,'Can I ask you a question - I'm very good at maths - if I can tell you how many sheep are in your field can I take one home with me'.......'Ok' said the farmer
So the blonde scoured the field for a few moments and then said '182'. 'WOW !' said the farmer 'that's exactly right, go and pick out a sheep'.
So the blonde went out and picked out a sheep and put it in the back of her car. (ok..It was probably a landrover)
'Now' said the farmer 'before you go, I have a question for you' - 'if I can guess what your real hair colour is....
...can I have my dog back?'
there was this intelligent blonde who was so fed up with being called dumb that she decided she would treat herself to a complete makeover, and go brunette.
So pleased was she with her new look that off she went for a spin in the peak district to try out her new look. Whilst driving down a country lane she spotted a farmer in a field with his flock of sheep.
I know she thought I'll see if my new 'look' is working.
'Excuse me' she said to the farmer,'Can I ask you a question - I'm very good at maths - if I can tell you how many sheep are in your field can I take one home with me'.......'Ok' said the farmer
So the blonde scoured the field for a few moments and then said '182'. 'WOW !' said the farmer 'that's exactly right, go and pick out a sheep'.
So the blonde went out and picked out a sheep and put it in the back of her car. (ok..It was probably a landrover)
'Now' said the farmer 'before you go, I have a question for you' - 'if I can guess what your real hair colour is....
...can I have my dog back?'
In reply to francine: brilliant. and the best ever thread on rocktalk morphs into the revived best ever deleted thread on rocktalk. that appeals to my dada-esque sense of humour. (marcel duchamps once made a fur-lined toilet as part of this movement. cool.)
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test." Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me???!!!"
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test." Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me???!!!"
In reply to jude calvert-toulmin: and to be absolutely fair.......
Seamus O Brien had been hailed the most intelligent Irish man for three years running. He had topped such shows as Larry Gogans 'Just a Minute Quiz' and 'Quicksilver' (before Bunny Carrs demise). It was suggested by the Irish Mensa board that he should enter into the English Mastermind Championships. He Did, and won a place. On they evening of the competition, Seamus enters from the crowd and placed himself on the Leather Seat and made himself comfortable. The lights dimmed and a spot light pointed at his face.
Magnus said "Seamus, What Subject are you studying?." Seamus responded, "Irish History". Very well said Magnus, Your first Question: "In what year did the 'Easter Rising take Place?' Seamus responds .."Pass"
"OK" said Magnus, "Who was the Leader of the Easter Rising?", Seamus Responds .."Pass"
"OK" said Magnus, How long did the Easter Rising Last?" Seamus Responds.. "Pass"
Instantly, a voice shout from the Crowd, "Good Man Seamus... Tell the English Nothing..."
Seamus O Brien had been hailed the most intelligent Irish man for three years running. He had topped such shows as Larry Gogans 'Just a Minute Quiz' and 'Quicksilver' (before Bunny Carrs demise). It was suggested by the Irish Mensa board that he should enter into the English Mastermind Championships. He Did, and won a place. On they evening of the competition, Seamus enters from the crowd and placed himself on the Leather Seat and made himself comfortable. The lights dimmed and a spot light pointed at his face.
Magnus said "Seamus, What Subject are you studying?." Seamus responded, "Irish History". Very well said Magnus, Your first Question: "In what year did the 'Easter Rising take Place?' Seamus responds .."Pass"
"OK" said Magnus, "Who was the Leader of the Easter Rising?", Seamus Responds .."Pass"
"OK" said Magnus, How long did the Easter Rising Last?" Seamus Responds.. "Pass"
Instantly, a voice shout from the Crowd, "Good Man Seamus... Tell the English Nothing..."
In reply to jude calvert-toulmin: and finally, couldnt resist this one.....
A pregnant woman gives birth and afterwards the doctor goes up to her and says "Do you want the good news or the bad news?" She asks for the bad news first and the doctor replies "The baby has ginger hair," "Well what is the good news then?" She asks. "It's dead" says the doctor.
A pregnant woman gives birth and afterwards the doctor goes up to her and says "Do you want the good news or the bad news?" She asks for the bad news first and the doctor replies "The baby has ginger hair," "Well what is the good news then?" She asks. "It's dead" says the doctor.
In reply to jude calvert-toulmin:
Hmm - these jokes are really good. Much more fun than revision. Here's one of mine you might like...
Signs your cat may be planning to kill you....
1. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.
2. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.
3. He actually *does* have your tongue.
4. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch.
5. Cyanide paw prints all over the house.
6. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.
7. Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM."
8. You catch him with a new mohawk, looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me punk?"
9. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.
10. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
11. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.
12. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
13. You find a piece of paper labeled "MY WIL" which says "LEEVAWL 2 KAT."
14. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.
They cracked me up...
Sharkey Boy
Hmm - these jokes are really good. Much more fun than revision. Here's one of mine you might like...
Signs your cat may be planning to kill you....
1. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.
2. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.
3. He actually *does* have your tongue.
4. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch.
5. Cyanide paw prints all over the house.
6. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.
7. Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM."
8. You catch him with a new mohawk, looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me punk?"
9. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.
10. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
11. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.
12. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
13. You find a piece of paper labeled "MY WIL" which says "LEEVAWL 2 KAT."
14. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.
They cracked me up...
Sharkey Boy
In reply to jude calvert-toulmin: excellent,excellent and, frankly, sick! but funny...thought you didn't know any good jokes!
PS I am brunette but I don't escape the blonde jokes - on more than one occasion my work colleagues have asked 'are you sure you're a natural brunette ?' -
PS I am brunette but I don't escape the blonde jokes - on more than one occasion my work colleagues have asked 'are you sure you're a natural brunette ?' -
In reply to Sharkey Boy: did you hear the how to shower like a woman, how to shower like a man? (It's a bit long-winded so I won't type it if you have...?)
In reply to francine:
no francine i havent...plz tell me! It makes my revision more fun! [im currently pretending to do bitesize biology tests...ho hum...]
heehee
Sharkey Boy
no francine i havent...plz tell me! It makes my revision more fun! [im currently pretending to do bitesize biology tests...ho hum...]
heehee
Sharkey Boy
In reply to Sharkey Boy: v. funny. that reminds me of the time when i was clearing up the kids' sylvanian family toys (little squirrels and bears and other forest animals, all about 3 inches long). well the floor's covered in sylvanians. i know and love them all. then i see one that isn't familiar. "ohhh that's a new one, where's that from?" i wonder. i'm about to pick it up and realise that it is a REAL SQUIRREL'S HEAD that our cat has dropped in amongst the sylvanians subsequent to the kill. f*&king nora. spooky.
we love cats, don't we grimer?
we love cats, don't we grimer?
In reply to jude calvert-toulmin:
I've got some wicked real signs from foreign countries...here's a sample:
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing, please not to read notice.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
From the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
I've got some wicked real signs from foreign countries...here's a sample:
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing, please not to read notice.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
From the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
In reply to jude calvert-toulmin: cheers francine. ah. im happy again after my rocktastic strop of this morning. maybe i wont leave rocktalk after all....!
ok one more, must sit down with hubby.
David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank, "I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help to donate sperm?" asks Beckham. The receptionist replies "Well, it says on your record that you're a useless wa*ker..."
ok one more, must sit down with hubby.
David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank, "I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help to donate sperm?" asks Beckham. The receptionist replies "Well, it says on your record that you're a useless wa*ker..."
In reply to Sharkey Boy:
How to shower like a woman (listen and learn!)
take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to
Lights, Darks, Man Mades and naturals
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly.
Complain and whine about getting fat!
Get in shower. look for face cloth, arm cloth, loin cloth long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with cucumber and lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash hair again with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until face is raw.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure it's all come off.
Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot. turn off shower.
Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country.
Wrap hair in spuer absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails/ tweezers (if you can find them)
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If husband seen cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed....
How to shower like a woman (listen and learn!)
take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to
Lights, Darks, Man Mades and naturals
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly.
Complain and whine about getting fat!
Get in shower. look for face cloth, arm cloth, loin cloth long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with cucumber and lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash hair again with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until face is raw.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure it's all come off.
Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot. turn off shower.
Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country.
Wrap hair in spuer absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails/ tweezers (if you can find them)
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If husband seen cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed....
In reply to francine:
Hmmm... sounds like fun
Its a goodun, i admit Francine. And the men one...?
Sharkey Boy
Hmmm... sounds like fun
Its a goodun, i admit Francine. And the men one...?
Sharkey Boy
In reply to Sharkey Boy: forgive the spelling..#/,.
How to shower like a man
Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to bathroom.
If wife seen - shake knob at her while shouting 'Way hey!'
Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique.
Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch b****cks and smell fingers for one last whiff
Get in shower.
dont bother to look for wash cloth - don't need one...
Wash face, wash armpits, laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.
Wash b****cks and surrounding area.
Wash arse, leaving hair on soap. Shampoo hair, but do not use conditioner.
make mohican hairstyle with shampoo. pull back curtain to see self in mirror.
Piss in shower. Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside shower for whole of shower time. partly dry off. Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again. Leave shower curtain open, and leave wet bath mat on floor. leave bathroom light on and leave extractor fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go 'Yeah Baby!', thrusting pelvis in wife's direction, go to bedroom and put on yesterday's clothes.....
How to shower like a man
Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to bathroom.
If wife seen - shake knob at her while shouting 'Way hey!'
Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique.
Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch b****cks and smell fingers for one last whiff
Get in shower.
dont bother to look for wash cloth - don't need one...
Wash face, wash armpits, laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.
Wash b****cks and surrounding area.
Wash arse, leaving hair on soap. Shampoo hair, but do not use conditioner.
make mohican hairstyle with shampoo. pull back curtain to see self in mirror.
Piss in shower. Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside shower for whole of shower time. partly dry off. Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again. Leave shower curtain open, and leave wet bath mat on floor. leave bathroom light on and leave extractor fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go 'Yeah Baby!', thrusting pelvis in wife's direction, go to bedroom and put on yesterday's clothes.....
In reply to francine:
Very good Francine... I like it! You've probably put every girl off getting married now heehee
Sharkey Boy
Very good Francine... I like it! You've probably put every girl off getting married now heehee
Sharkey Boy
In reply to jude calvert-toulmin: Along one
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey and orders a beer.
The monkey procceeds to run up and down the bar guzzling all the peanuts from the dishes on the bar.
"Here now i'm not having that monkey eating all my nuts!"
"But i'm a paying customer," says the man.
So the barman strops off and doesnt refill the nuts.
The next night the same thin happens and the barman is getting mighty peaved.
So on the third night he doesnt put any nuts out and the guy walks in with his monkey and orders a beer.
The monkey looks around anxiously for nuts and spots the pool table.
He runs over and grabs the cueball and swallows it whole.
"Here now i'm not having all that carry on, you and the monkey are barred for three months!"
The man humphs , finishes his beer and walks out.
Three months later to the day the man reappears with his monkey once again , and is surprised to see the bar is having a coctail evening.
The man walks in and orders a beer.
The monkey hops on the bar and sees dishes full of cherrys.
It walks over to one dish , carefully being scrutinized by the barman, picks up a cherry , pops it up its ass , pulls it out and eats it.
"Oh for f*cks sake says the barman! That's bloody disgusting! What the hell did it go and do that for?"
The man sips his pint and says,
"Well after passing a cueball, wouldn't you check?"
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey and orders a beer.
The monkey procceeds to run up and down the bar guzzling all the peanuts from the dishes on the bar.
"Here now i'm not having that monkey eating all my nuts!"
"But i'm a paying customer," says the man.
So the barman strops off and doesnt refill the nuts.
The next night the same thin happens and the barman is getting mighty peaved.
So on the third night he doesnt put any nuts out and the guy walks in with his monkey and orders a beer.
The monkey looks around anxiously for nuts and spots the pool table.
He runs over and grabs the cueball and swallows it whole.
"Here now i'm not having all that carry on, you and the monkey are barred for three months!"
The man humphs , finishes his beer and walks out.
Three months later to the day the man reappears with his monkey once again , and is surprised to see the bar is having a coctail evening.
The man walks in and orders a beer.
The monkey hops on the bar and sees dishes full of cherrys.
It walks over to one dish , carefully being scrutinized by the barman, picks up a cherry , pops it up its ass , pulls it out and eats it.
"Oh for f*cks sake says the barman! That's bloody disgusting! What the hell did it go and do that for?"
The man sips his pint and says,
"Well after passing a cueball, wouldn't you check?"
ha ha! brilliant! jokes rool! the monkey joke's back, cool! hey francine ive heard that shower one but its so funny, so horribly accurate as well!
glad you like the mastermind joke grimester, which was just for you anyway. so here's another top english joke.
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, "where were you?".
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "look son, look what I'm after making". Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" God replied, "it's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and south America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south. And then the archangel said, "and what's that green dot there?". And God said "ahhh that's the Emerald Isle - that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth; Beautiful Mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line. These people here are going to be great craic and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters. And I'm going to give them this black liquid which they're going to go mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe. Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance.. God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the neighbours I'm going to give them"
if you want me to email you the address of where im cadging all these jokes from grimer, post a reply saying "yes i do" or something and ill email you with it OK? (without any of the usual long-winded "jude's theory of relativity stuff" OK?
glad you like the mastermind joke grimester, which was just for you anyway. so here's another top english joke.
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, "where were you?".
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "look son, look what I'm after making". Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" God replied, "it's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and south America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south. And then the archangel said, "and what's that green dot there?". And God said "ahhh that's the Emerald Isle - that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth; Beautiful Mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line. These people here are going to be great craic and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters. And I'm going to give them this black liquid which they're going to go mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe. Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance.. God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the neighbours I'm going to give them"
if you want me to email you the address of where im cadging all these jokes from grimer, post a reply saying "yes i do" or something and ill email you with it OK? (without any of the usual long-winded "jude's theory of relativity stuff" OK?
In reply to niall grimes:
Ok gentlemen to counter the thick irish jokes that sometimes come out,
How do you make love to an irish virgin/
Ok gentlemen to counter the thick irish jokes that sometimes come out,
How do you make love to an irish virgin/
In reply to sutty:
Don't know....
Did you hear about the gay Irish couple William Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwilliam?
Don't know....
Did you hear about the gay Irish couple William Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwilliam?
In reply to willyb: and some of you think the irish are thick?
What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A blonde going through a flashing red light.
yup. that's me (sadly to say, i mean it!)
A blonde going through a flashing red light.
yup. that's me (sadly to say, i mean it!)
In reply to jude calvert-toulmin: phew, that was close, bottom of page 8.
In reply to niall grimes: Man walks into a bar, slips on a piece of shit. Another man does same. First man says "I just did that!". Second man hits him.
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