UKC

You can tell it's midge season - the whole forum's exploded with threads on how to kill the poor little buggers. You wouldn't like it if everyone hated *you* like that, would you . . . so next time you see a midge, at least have the courtesy to greet it by name and apologise profusely before you squash it!

People hate me so they do and I don’t know why
They hate me just for living, sad to say
When I try to introduce myself they turn on me
They try hard to kill me every day.
They will squash me on the campsite, they’ll squash me at the crag
They will spray me on every Scottish ridge
Or take a giant fly-swat and chase me down the path
With a cry of “Kill it – kill the midge!”

So if you think your life is dire,
I’d suggest that you enquire
What it’s like to be a lonely midge!

I met this lady climber up on Stanage Edge
A beautiful girl with long blonde hair
Smooth suntanned skin and gorgeous shapely breasts
I found that I loved this girl so fair.
I wished with desperation I could have this lass
I hoped I could kiss her lips so sweet
Then she reached her lovely hand out in a way most elegant
And picked up a great big can of DEET!

So if you think your life is dire,
I’d suggest that you enquire
What it’s like to be a lonely midge!

I’m an intellectual insect – I will happily debate
Any interesting matter you can name
But when I make my argument no-one wants to know
The response is always just the same
First of all they will ignore me and then they loudly swear
That my presence is a problem without doubt
Then they burn citronella by the bushel and the ton
And wait for the fumes to drive me out!

So if you think your life is dire,
I’d suggest that you enquire
What it’s like to be a lonely midge!

I’m very miserable – I’m a midge without a friend.
I have a very boring social life.
At every opportunity I try to make a friend or three
But it brings me more trouble and more strife.
For they’ll squash me on the campsite, they’ll squash me at the crag
They will spray me on every Scottish ridge
Or take a giant fly-swat and chase me down the path
With a cry of “Kill it – kill the midge!”

So if you think your life is dire,
I’d suggest that you enquire
What it’s like to be a lonely midge!
Yes, really do enquire
For you’ll find it’s rather dire
To be a sad, much-hated midge!


(It's Friday and I'm bored. Can you tell? :

In reply to Wingnut:

To be fair, its only the females I hate,

Does this make me a midgsogynist?

In reply to Bob Dulieu:

That jokes almost as bad as the poem

In reply to Wingnut: Never seen a lonely midge, there always seem to be thousands of the little b**gers!

In reply to DaveC at Work:
There's thousands of people as well, but you still get lonely ones!

In reply to Bob Dulieu:
<*groan*>

In reply to Wingnut:

one word: scansion

In reply to Wingnut:

G+S would be proud of you. P

In reply to sutty:

with ref to my comment above no they wouldn't. By way of example:

Then one of us will be a queen and sit on a golden throne;
With a crown instead of a hat on her head and diamonds of her own;
With a beautiful robe of gold and green, I've always understood
I wonder whether she'd wear a feather? I rather think she should...
etc

[The Gondoliers, Gianetta]