Since the most significant ascent of the year seems to have gone unnoticed I have cobbled together a quick report regarding Stone's (yes that is his name!) ascent of BodyBuilder at Raven Tor :-
News just in .....
In truth, I dont think you could exactly say that the tension was paplable, as the Peak district's very own abstract existentialist philosopher and leading authority on the habits of Zebra fish, Stone Elworthy', set off for just another redpoint attempt on the mega classic and internationally significant route, 'BodyBuilder' at 'The Tor' as it is affectionately known by the locals and as 'that pile of crumbling choss' by just about everyone else.
In fact I think it would be safe to say that attention at the crag was focused on the far more exciting task of explaining to passing walkers that banging 'crampon's into the rock and then hauling on them until reaching the top was how the 'rope got up there' and that the use of a trained ferret had largely died out.
The regulars being so used to the ritual that 'Stone' was about to embark upon, that barely a sideways glance was directed in our hero's direction. A picture of sartorial elegance in the same t-shirt that he had worn for the last 387 attempts and the multicoloured duvet jacket that had been rejected by the homeless charities as being of no use as it provided the same thermal properties and a sainsburys carrier bag but with rather less style.
Allowing himself a quick debate with no-one inparticular about the relative merits of squeezy cheese versus dijon mustard when used as an adhesive for hanging wallpaper our intrepid climber set of on his route for one more attempt.
It may be worth putting 'one more attempt' in some sort of context at this point of the tale. As everyone will already know, over 17% of the adult population of the UK have already each spent an average of seven days belaying Stone on his 'project' and the first recorded redpoint attempt can clearly be seen in the Doomsday Book, as it is noted that the rateable value of the cave under Ben's roof had been reduced by 'half a groat', on account of the in-situ climber on BodyBuilder 'bringing down the neibourhood'. Not since the infamous day's of Geraldines attempts on Indecent Exposure has a project proceeded at such a glacial pace.
Never one to be down hearted by falling off the same move over 327,000 times our hero hauls himself up to the start of the route, yes thats right, the start! Unfortunately Stone's original plan for overcoming the route by perching in the uppermost branches of the tree that originally marked the start of the route and waiting until it had grown sufficiently for him to step out and clip the belay was sadly foiled when some 'alledgeley' drunken hippies chopped the tree down for firewood - three years work wasted!
Climbing the piece of rock behind the fallen tree was considered too .... 'conventional' for Stone, so instead, a Heath Robinson spiders web of old slings and etriers marked the more , ahem, 'logical' start to BodyBuilder.
And so, with the featherless duvet dispatched to the ground, once again our eponymous hero makes his way up the first half of the route clipping a collection of decrepit slings and ironmongery that Edward Whymper would have rejected on the grounds that they looked far too knackered to be off any use other than minimal psychological value. Arriving at the resting holds below the crux the massed climbers of Raven Tor offer their collective support by ignoring him and unwrapping another cereal bar.
After Ten minutes of struggling to extract his foot from the 'resting' hold our hero embarks on the crux. Everyone is aware of the exact sequence that Stone uses, it goes, snatch, grunt, snatch, lurch, grunt, teeter, grunt, fall off. Only this time something has gone seriously wrong with Stone's sequence as he has clearly completely forgotton the falling off bit. Confused, all he can do is carry on, the crowd leap to their feet or at least turn round a bit and roar up encouragement, but only under their breath as the strict silence rule must be applied when Stone is climbing.
He scampers through the final unfamiliar section to clip the belay and a whoop of joy can be heard as far away as Mecca (8b+ 10m to the right). After a brief rest he lowers off to the waiting crowd but he is still confused, .....which would make the better adhesive ? the squeezy cheese or the mustard ?
He muses on this for a while before declaring that he needs a new harder project, something he can 'really get his teeth into'. The crowd run for it ...
