/ Wedding guest list drama

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33% Longer - on 24 Oct 2012
OK, two reasons for posting this here - Firstly very few of the people involved in this will read this here or even know it's me so i can vent my spleen in relative safety. Secondly I kind of want a bit of reassurance i'm at least a little bit justified in my decisions.

So my fiancee and I are getting married next year, sent out the invitations a couple of months ago and for reasons of space we have not given plus ones to our cousins at the wedding breakfast - we have said partners are welcome at the evening reception. Now, two months after the invitations went out, two of my fiancee's cousins are kicking up a stink wanting a plus one each for a girlfriend and a fiance each. After two months of complaining to everyone except for us, one cousin finally contacted us through facebook at the weekend. Now we said to her - you've got our numbers, give us a ring or arrange to see us as we really don;t want to do this over facebook. This evening my fiancee got a phone call from her cousin who essentially shouted over anything my fiancee tried to say to her and essentially said if she couldn't bring her fiancee to the wedding breakfast she won't be coming at all, and if she's not going then her brother and her mum and dad might not be going either. Cousin has offered to pay the extra place, but as we keep telling her, her brother and my fiancee's aunt - it's not a money thing - it;s a space thing. coupled with the fact that neither of us have met the cousin's significant others - not right keen on being brow beaten into having someone that neither of us have met at one of the more intimate bits of our wedding. Cousin has accused my fiancee of making our wedding day all about her (isn't that the point?) and has really quite upset my fiancee.

Are we being unreasonable?


PS - If this doesn;t make sense it's because I am absolutely fuming about how my fiancee's cousin has spoken to her whilst expecting to get an extra invite to the wedding.

Thanks for reading my lengthy rant.

birdie num num - on 24 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer:
Wisdom according to Num Num: You're not being in the least bit unreasonable. It's your wedding, not theirs. No loss if they don't come, get an early decision off them if they're not coming, that way, you can invite someone who likes you both.
Tom Last - on 24 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer:
>
> Are we being unreasonable?
>
>


No. Maybe you could set up a table for them in the car park?
Sir Chasm - on 24 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer: I've seen that TV programme, it's gypsy weddings isn't it? Are there going to be fisticuffs at the reception?
33% Longer - on 24 Oct 2012
In reply to Sir Chasm:

If i have my way someone is getting a smack before the reception. Thanks for the collective wisdom of UKC - confirms what i already know - I am not unreasonable. It is our (or my fiancee's) day.
smallclimber - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer:
Ahhh.......Now I remember why we went to the Caribean and got married on the beach with just the two of us and photographer, administrator and priest as attendees (and witnesses)...
I know this is not for everyone but we are both not very sociable people, with our families in opposite hemispheres so we actually thought not having anyone at the Wedding was actually fairer than choosing one location which would be very hard for the others family to attend.

I hope you manage to sort things out and still enjoy your day.
abseil on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer:

I totally agree with Num Num. I think you are certainly not being unreasonable.

On a similar topic - and this isn't about you at all - I've known a church of England vicar for years. He's officiated at weddings all his life. He opened my eyes when he told me weddings often cause fights/ problems and are not always the happy occasions people think (these are his words, not mine, I'm just repeating his story).
handjammer - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer: During the run-up to my wedding (9 years ago today incidentally), I had major problems with my divorced parents.

The issue was that my dad had left ten years or so previously, having little or no contact with either my mum or even his kids. I had been in touch with him about five years before this, and so had mended some bridges between us, and tried to do the same for my siblings, but really to no avail.

When I told my mum that we had invited my dad, she went mental, saying that she wouldn't come, how could we betray her (which I totally understood), and even explaining my reasoning to her made no difference, as the red mist had well and truly descended.

I ended up having to be quite stern with her (which I hated), saying that it was in fact our day and not hers, and could she not put her differences aside for just one day. Much arguing / silence ensued...

Anyway, our wedding day came, my mum was fine, and I even saw her conversing with my dad a couple of times.

In conclusion then, your wedding day is about you and your wife, and no-one else. You are entitled to be a bit selfish on this day of all days.
Ferret on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer: Totally agree with you guys. Its your wedding, invite who you want and exclude who you want. It's tough, but if you don't, you end up with a high percentage of atendees falling into the 'hangers on' camp that you do not know and in fact may not be around in a year or two (partners/boy friends/girl friends of.... its annoying looking at wedding photos and seeing a bunch of peoples exes in a year or two).

We had no aunts, uncles, cousins etc... but we did have for example, parents of friends, who mean more to us than relatives that we never see. Our families were not given any 'spaces' for their hangers on... I don't care that my mum has been to weddings of her friends kids (more fool them!)and therefore thinks she should invite said friend to my wedding... I don't know the friend well enough to want them them there so no dice. If you don't know the cousins partner and especially the fiance that suggests to me that the cousins are not a major feature of current life... I'd be questioning inviting them at all, even more so with their behaviour. If they are the type to take the huff and for the rest of their family to do the same so be it - you wouldn't want them there anyway.....
TheDrunkenBakers - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer: Your wedding, your rules. Feck em all and have it your way. Also, if they are being funny about stuff now, what are they going to be like on the day when they have had a few drinks.

Hooo - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer:
Agree with Num num. Don't even think of it as unusual, something similar happens at most weddings as far as I can tell, and that includes mine. Just put your foot down, do what you want, and get the arguing over early so that it's forgotten about by the time the day comes along.
Something else that appears to be inevitable at every wedding; someone will get very drunk, make a tit of themselves and seriously upset someone else. Don't bear a grudge about this, someone has to do it. :-)
What Goes Up - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer: Yup, on your side on this as well. We did a similar thing at ours - didn't want people there who we would be meeting for the first time (who wants to make small talk with strangers at their own wedding?). My wife has a large family and she had aunts and uncles who hadn't met me once after ten years of us being together. They weren't invited, end of.

Unless... is there a table full of little five and six year olds in the far corner you could put them on? Obviously because of space that was the only way you could squeeze them in... (and they could accidentally end up having nuggets for the wedding breakfast too). On the plus side it should give your cousin some people to talk to who are on her level.
Irk the Purist - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer:

Someone once gave me some really good advice.

"It's my wedding, and if you don't like it... you can f*** off."

puppythedog on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer: I concur with the prevailing Uck wisdom. MrsTheDOga nd I married in June up on Orkney witha very limited number of invitees. We excluded some people who asked adn felt they had a right to be there because we didn't want them there and also excluded some poepl we would have cheerfully had with us but felt it best not to for parity accross our famillies.
My advice though is be prepared for the consequences of excluding people, if your fiancee is upset about the 'upset' check with her that she is okay with excluding them. In our case there were rumblings of upset from my side of teh familly and MrsTheDog was worried that we they would see her as the cause of exclusion, that it would set the wider family setting we now all share off to a bad start. At times it was difficult because some members of the family disparaged our wedding plans describing them as not 'weddingy'. None of this bothered me a jot but some of it did tickle a few nerves for MrsTheDog.

In short do what you like, it's your day and you are being reasonable but be prepared that the problem won't go away and it may get messy.

Good luck on the pending nuptuals have a great day.
Enty - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to Eric the Red:
> (In reply to 33% Longer)
>

>
> "It's my wedding, and if you don't like it... you can f*** off."

True. But the OP has made a rod for their own back with this one.

"Hey cuz, you can come to the wedding breakfast but you can't bring your wife/hubby" - wtf?

E
Tall Clare - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to Enty:

I sympathise with the OP but I do kind of agree - if the other halves can come to the ceremony, and they can come to the reception, but they can't come to the 'breakfast' bit, what are they supposed to do - wait in the car?

To the OP: We're finalising the guest list for our wedding and the reception (which will be on two separate weekends, to add to the complications) and the drama's just about to start for us!
John W - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to Eric the Red:
> (In reply to 33% Longer)

> "It's my wedding, and if you don't like it... you can f*** off."

Seconded - tell them to get f*cked.
Trangia - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer:

Precisely why I hate weddings and all the razzmatazz that goes with them. Cancel the whole thing and just the two of you slip off to the Registry Office!
Irk the Purist - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to Enty:

In my experience, husbands/male fiances don't give two hoots if they aren't invited. Female ones have a paddy because they want to coo at the dress and say "wasn't it a lovely day, weren't they lucky with the weather?"

Ashley - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer:

I got married 3 months ago so I feel your pain. I have quite a large family and we had a small registry office wedding without any frills as to us the party afterwards is the main part of the day so we told all aunts, uncles and cousins that they were invited to the reception but not the ceremony. None of my cousins' children were invited to the reception which was in my landlady's back garden due to numbers, space and us not wanting to accomodate for childrens entertainment (or having the garden wrecked by kids!). Also, if we hadn't met people's partners they weren't invited, it was our day and we wanted those people who actually meant something to us to be present.

There were a few grumbles from a few people but most understood.

Also, have either of your parents asked if you've invited great aunt Doris' sister's friend that you may have met once at a distant family wedding 20 years ago yet?! That's when the fun really begins...
ads.ukclimbing.com
Milesy - on 25 Oct 2012
I still have family members who dont speak due to wedding stuff.

We had space limited to 40 people during the day due to space restrictions. We made a strict rule of immediate family and immediate friends. One rule I stipulated was no +1 for single people. If you had a current partner at the time of invites going out they could come. One of my friends after that invite period started seeing someone and they just came along to the reception at night and met my friend. Some of my friends weren't happy and offered to pay and I told them it wasn't money - it was simple space logistics.

We also never invited extended family to the day ceremony, and this caused a lot of fall outs as being from a Catholic family on my side who are all used to be invited to the opening of a can of beans.
Skyfall - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to Tall Clare:
> (In reply to Enty)
>
> I sympathise with the OP but I do kind of agree - if the other halves can come to the ceremony, and they can come to the reception, but they can't come to the 'breakfast' bit, what are they supposed to do - wait in the car?

+ another

TMM - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer:

'Family' the 'friends' you never chose to have in your life.

Your day, your rules. Suck it up.

When it was our 'special day' I refused to have day which was great to bunch of cousins and great aunts who I merely know through the accident of birth whilst risking sidelining friends with whom I have a much closer and meaningful relationship.

The behaviour of your cousins would leave me informing them very simply that it's your way or no way.

Too many other important things to be stressing about getting married to be concerning yourself with distant relatives and people you've never met.
Tall Clare - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to TMM:

Haha, this strikes a chord - the small and intimate ceremony we've got planned has to accommodate eight (well, seven and a potential plus-one cackling aunt) parents, amongst whom there's still some animosity thirty years later. Oh the joys of divorced families! And my partner's kids won't be at the ceremony (because it's the only way we can have a whopping great four days of honeymoon - our annual holiday together - without the kids) so that's another tricky one to navigate.

All you people with 'happily married and still together' parents, no previous marriages, normal friends - you're surprisingly fortunate!
Skyfall - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to TMM:

I'd have total sympathy if there were a cut off and cousins were excluded completely for example. The odd thing is to say that they can come but not bring their other half for one event but can to the other. First off it's much nicer (and the done thing really) to allow other significant halves to attend but the split event ruling is just inconvenient if they are going to come to the day in some capacity. Personally I wouldn't get worked up over it and, as said, it's the OP's wedding ... so his rules. But I might be a little less inclined to attend if I had other options involving my other half, if you see what I mean. Which would save space at the reception and help everyone out ;)

Just saying...
Jimbo W on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer:

- You're not unreasonable at all
- You can invite who you like to whatever part you like
- You're fiancee doesn't deserve to be treated like that
- We had to make similar decisions to you and basically invited everyone who we couldn't to meals etc to the evening dance
- Because of the large catholic family of my wife, we ended up excluding quite a few +1s of my friends, just because they couldn't be fitted in for space
- However, we did have a couple turn up from Ireland to Scotland who we hadn't invited at all, long term friends of my wife's family, and because of their shear gumption and enthusiasm we did manage to include them in our meal despite the lack of space
- Calm down, make a final decision, be positive in your interactions, best speak yourself and protect your fiancee and don't entertain any crap
Just a bhoy - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer:

Firmly in the fck em all camp.
If they aren't mature enough to see the bigger picture then not worth keeping in touch with.
Toby S - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to Tall Clare:
>
> All you people with 'happily married and still together' parents, no previous marriages, normal friends - you're surprisingly fortunate!

Agreed! We had a registry office 'do' with my mum, her mum, the sprog, my Uncle and my mum's Guide Dog. Nice and simple. The 'reception' was lunch at a local restaurant by the river followed by an open invite to join us in the pub. Ended up being very chilled out and a really nice day as a result.

Between us we had far too many crackpot family members to even think about doing it any other way!

deepstar - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer: It is not just wedddings either,the present Mrs deepstars family nearly came to blows over the arrangements for her Father`s Funeral and now having a big row over choosing the headstone!
In reply to Toby S: Sounds like a fantastic wedding to me!
tony on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to Enty:
> (In reply to Eric the Red)
> [...]
>
> [...]
>
> True. But the OP has made a rod for their own back with this one.
>
> "Hey cuz, you can come to the wedding breakfast but you can't bring your wife/hubby" - wtf?
>
That was my thought. Couples are just that - a couple, a combined unit. I don't really see how you could expect to invite one half without the other. Not knowing the other halves doesn't really come into it - they're all part of the whole family.

To be honest, I'm not sure what a wedding breakfast is. Isn't the ceremony/service and a reception enough?
John_Hat - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer:

As others have said, it's your day and your rules. If you specify that everyone has to come in a pirate outfit then that's what they have to do.

We are in early stages of planning our wedding, and the initial invite list is well into three figures as we've got a lot of friends and family. It's going to cost a fortune, and ANYONE who starts playing silly bu@@ers is going to get kicked off the invite list with pleasure that we're not paying to entertain someone who cannot understand that the wedding is for the couple and not them.

Personally, I'd tell the cousin that whilst you would be happy to have them there, the small spoilt brat they appear to have turned into recently will not be welcome and its up to them whether they come or not by how they behave, oh, and shouting at the bride is not acceptable under any circumstances and you await their apology.
In reply to John_Hat: Well said
Tall Clare - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to grumpybearpantsclimbinggoat:

I kind of agree, but on the other hand - and this is purely from my own perspective - the thought of being a 'bridezilla' and starting to issue orders about who can and can't do this and that seems massively egotistical. Yes, it's 'our' day, but people will be travelling to see us, more than likely having to stay overnight, often buying new outfits, and then if they want to buy presents too...

Though I'm quite prepared to admit that some of my reluctance to be 'the centre of attention' is because of all the years of event management I've done - I'd far rather be in the background with a pen and a running order :-)
Steve John B - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to tony:
> (In reply to Enty)
> [...]
> That was my thought. Couples are just that - a couple, a combined unit. I don't really see how you could expect to invite one half without the other. Not knowing the other halves doesn't really come into it - they're all part of the whole family.
>
> To be honest, I'm not sure what a wedding breakfast is. Isn't the ceremony/service and a reception enough?

Wedding breakfast is the proper/posh name for the meal and speeches bit. Presumably reception in this context means the evening do/disco/pissup.

OP: Of course you can do what you want, but I can see why the cousins are p*ssed off if their other halves are excluded from part of it. If it was me I wouldn't come - but our family's so big I've never been invited to a cousin's wedding anyway. It's your show - your rules. Good luck with it all!
In reply to Tall Clare:
> (In reply to grumpybearpantsclimbinggoat)
>
> I kind of agree, but on the other hand - and this is purely from my own perspective - the thought of being a 'bridezilla' and starting to issue orders about who can and can't do this and that seems massively egotistical. Yes, it's 'our' day, but people will be travelling to see us, more than likely having to stay overnight, often buying new outfits, and then if they want to buy presents too...

I'm not attempting to argue here so please don't take anything the wrong way.

1. they do not have to come and therefore expend monies on overnight stays.
2. they do not have to buy outfits.
3. The don't even have to buy you a present.

At the end of the day you are offering them an opportunity to celebrate your union. They are not being forced into it and if they do then there could be inherent costs to do so.

My family on my father's side expect to be invited for the free party. That to me was the wrong focus and why they were not present at my wedding.

>
> Though I'm quite prepared to admit that some of my reluctance to be 'the centre of attention' is because of all the years of event management I've done - I'd far rather be in the background with a pen and a running order :-)

Whilst you may want to be in the background this will not be an option.

And more importantly - congratulations, have a lovely day (and honeymoon too).

And that goes for those that have theirs coming soon too.
EeeByGum - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer: Ahhh - the joys of weddings. The only advice I can offer is:-

1. As far as family is concerned, your wedding has nothing to do with you
2. You should have foreseen that not offering plus-ones would have caused problems.

If I were you, I would call her bluff and un-invite her and if that means some of your other relatives won't come, you can then invite some more of your friends who will be much more grateful, accommodating and generally on your side.

Good luck - I still look back at my wedding day with varying feelings of dread.
Ferret on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to tony: well.... couples are not always that solid. Fair enough, if one is engaged that seems like they should be part of 'the family' but when its just partner? I look back at my wedding where there are one or two examples, and further back at friends weddings just after Uni where there are many examples of uni relationship couples and looking at photos now its so clear that so many people have split up and moved on - so all those wedding photos from years back are now full of people that were invited as they were 'significant' others who clearly were not that significant in longer term....

All a balancing act - personally if I wasn't close enough to cousins now to know their partners/fiances I wouldn't be inviting the cousins either.... but perhaps thats been too tough a call and if the OP has fond memories of people that they were close to in earlier years and they want to invite them but can't bring themselves to exclude other close, relevant friends for a partner and a fiance they have never met.

In a traditional 'old fashioned' wedding lots of people came to ceremony, went away during the wedding meal (breakfast) then came back in the evening.... that was all facilitated by churches generaly being large, budgets being small so many people expected not to be fed and watered and evening do being comparatively cheap therefore larger than the meal bit (hall, band, buy your own drinks) - now that expectations, budgets and style of weddings have chnaged its all got more complicated. Against that persepective it doesn't seem unreasonable to have people coming to parts but not all....

All comes down to who you want for what... and the way these people are behaving, unless they respect the wishes of somebody who wants to have a select band of people they know and love beside them for the intimate parts of the day (no way would I have colleagues at ceremony or meal for example... they are colleagues and don't get to see the intimate bits of my life... I know others who end up inviting loads of colleagues as they don't want to be rude and invite the one that they are genuine friends with and not teh others....then end up with half their team watching one of their most emotional events ever). I'd hoof the cousins out for simply behaving badly and threatening that if one can't come the rest will walk too - do the rest know that certain individuals are threatening action on their behalf??.....
M0nkey - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer:

We got around this problem by dividing the number of guests into sections:

1. People we wanted to invite (our friends)
2. People my mum wanted to invite (my family and whoever else mum felt needed to be invited)
3. People her mum wanted to invite

Both mums got equal number of invites. If second cousin doris and her boyfriend didn't make the cut, that was mum's problem not mine.
Pursued by a bear - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer: It's *your* wedding. Do what *you* want. Anyone that doesn't like it isn't someone you want in your married life.

Stop trying to please other people with this; please yourselves. Anyone worth their salt as either a friend or a family member will understand.

T.
ads.ukclimbing.com
Owen W-G - on 25 Oct 2012
My tuppence:

You should not have invited cousins without +1

Either you invite Cousin + partner or you don't invite cousins at all (to the dinner)

If I was invited to a wedding but my wife wasn't, I wouldn't go. It puts them in an awkward position.

Jim C - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to Owen W-G:
> My tuppence:
>
> You should not have invited cousins without +1
>
> Either you invite Cousin + partner or you don't invite cousins at all (to the dinner)
>
> If I was invited to a wedding but my wife wasn't, I wouldn't go. It puts them in an awkward position.

Tricky, as then if you don't invite cousins you will NOW have space to invite some more people ! What about inviting complete strangers, they will be very compliant , and I'm free and happy to go anywhere without my wife.

Not sure that this helps

Philip on 25 Oct 2012
I agree it's your decision and they are being rude in their behaviour, but I wouldn't have booked a venue to small for my initial estimates (which would have been all family + other halves of those old enough to have other halves, + all friends, + work colleagues for both of us).

However, if you really want or have to have the location then it can't be helped.

I felt very it was nice to be invited to my wife's cousin's wedding - we had been going out for almost 4 years (at university) but weren't engaged. I don't think I would have felt upset about not being invited, and I would have insisted she go.

Her sister didn't get to bring her 2 month long boyfriend (obviously not around at invite time, but she didn't get a +1 invite for a whoever).
Wiley Coyote - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer:
This is all a terrific advert for living in sin.
Also for gay marriage. They've the right to have just as much grief as hetrosexuals.
Frank4short - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to Tall Clare:

> All you people with 'happily married and still together' parents, no previous marriages, normal friends - you're surprisingly fortunate!

See you would think so, and largely speaking that's the case, though weddings bring out the worst in people. ESPECIALLY MOTHERS! Without going into detail all I'll say is i'm still not talking to my mum 2 months later. However other than that we'd a great day.
33% Longer - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer:

thanks for all the responses, we did expect our decision to put a couple of noses out of joint, but with 11 cousins between us you've got to make the cut somewhere - we just didn't expect people to get like this over it. It's not like we're asking them to wait in the car as the wedding is in the same town as the cousins concerned live in. We also thought that inviting cousins without +1s would be less drama than not at all as some people seem to think that they are entitled to invitations - should have buggered off to the carribean - at least that would have pissed everyone off evenly.

I can see why the cousins are trying this but from our point of view, if my mrs-to-be received an invitation to a wedding that didn't include me I couldn't give a stuff. Why should I - its not like once you're in a relationship or married you become incapable of doing things independently. Although I love the soon to be Mrs Longer to bits I do enjoy a bit of time when she's not there!

Thanks everyone anyways - at least I feel less angry now.
Philip on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer:

Just remember to include in your speech "Thanks to everyone for coming, included those we didn't invite". Most people will laugh, thinking it's a joke, just look to your aunt-in-law for the cruel stare :-)
cb294 - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to JonC:
> (In reply to Tall Clare)
> [...]
>
> + another

and one more

CB
DNS on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer:

My wife and I were selective over who we invited to our (very much DIY) wedding. We though it better to invite people who really wanted to be there and who took pleasure in us being happy - not just turning up because either they, or we, thought they had to.

They did put several noses out of joint - which turned out to be a very positive thing. In the last 20 years I don't think I've 'had' to spend any social time with anyone who I didn't want to. Those who we offended in 1992 have managed to stay offended, and I'm delighted. It's saved a lot of time and lot of meaningless Christmas cards.

Basically, if they've got a problem; tell them they're not invited. It's your day.

As for initiating the discussion over facebook; words fail me.
John_Hat - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to Tall Clare:
> (In reply to Enty)
>
> I sympathise with the OP but I do kind of agree - if the other halves can come to the ceremony, and they can come to the reception, but they can't come to the 'breakfast' bit, what are they supposed to do - wait in the car?
>

Erm, that isn't what he said is it? Thought he said not enough space at "breakfast" but welcome to come to reception. No mention of ceremony (which is usually friends/close family anyway). Or did I miss something?
Tall Clare - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to John_Hat:

It's not unusual for everyone to be at a church wedding, everyone to be at an evening reception, and a small select bunch to be at the wedding breakfast. The OP has clarified this further down the thread.
Caralynh - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer:

Same happened to me 10yrs ago at my first marriage. Aunt and Uncle refused to come because I didn't invite my cousins' partners (who I'd never met).

Anyway, it's one of the many reasons this time round we buggered off alone to Africa, had a great ceremony alone on the beach (with priest, photographer and co-ordinator) and came back all married. No fuss, no hassle, no guests. Perfect!
Rollo - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer:

My cousin got married. I wasn't invited due to money/space constraints. I wished them all the best and asked my parents (who were invited) to say hi.

Because I'm a reasonable person!

Your day. Your decisions

Have a great wedding
Enty - on 25 Oct 2012
Can I just add that calling an afternoon posh wedding meal "Breakfast" is the daftest thing I've ever heard.

E
33% Longer - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to Enty:
> Can I just add that calling an afternoon posh wedding meal "Breakfast" is the daftest thing I've ever heard.
>
> E

Well i thought that too, but what do i know about weddings, I'm just a bloke. Mind you i did think that i could get away with popping the question then turning up at the appointed time in a suit. I was wrong there too.
Dax H - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer: Your day, well actually the wife to be's day but you get the idea.
We caused a stir because ours was imidiate family only and lots and lots of friends.
My gran could not understand that I was not going to invite family that I only see at weddings and funerals when their place could be filled with a friend who I wanted to spend time with.
Alyson - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to Tall Clare:
> Haha, this strikes a chord - the small and intimate ceremony we've got planned has to accommodate eight (well, seven and a potential plus-one cackling aunt) parents, amongst whom there's still some animosity thirty years later.

Small and intimate? It sounds suspiciously like you're not inviting all of ukc. I think if you double check the forum postings rules you'll see the part where we all get to attend your wedding :-)

To the op: I invited all kinds of +1s to my wedding but failed to invite the groom's cousin's 9 year old son, as he would have been the only child there. Apparently the parents of said child were massively offended. They didn't attend on the day and they've not spoken to us since (it was 5 years ago) for which I am grateful as I don't need people like that in my life.
Epic Ebdon - on 25 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer:

Try your best, don'tgo out of your way to cause offense, make your invites with thought and care, but once you've reached a decision, then the others can STFU.

I got married in July, and faced a similar dilemma. My personal opinion was, if we didn't know the partner, then they didn't get and invite. Fiancees and married partners did get an invite, but I didn't invite all my cousins. We were lucky in that there was noone at our wedding who we didn't want there... there were however some people who we would have lied to have invited, but couldn't because someone else was there who we didn't quite like as much. We had the added complication of it being in Germany, so it tends to be more expensive (getting people to buy their own drinks at the reception is definitely NOT the done thing), and therefore it was difficult to invite British guests to just a part of the wedding.

In the end, it turned out ok, but I think if anyone had complained, we'd have politely told them it was out rules and they didn't have to come if they didn't want to. Weddings are difficult enough to organise - I'd never request that someone else should be invited - at the most, I might ring to ask if someone was invited or not if it wasn't clear - but certainly not to request an invite!

If they're causing stress, tell them not to come at all, and give their invite to a friend who you want to come, and who wants to be there.

Tim
alasdair19 on 26 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer: "reasons of space"

means what restraunt holds 50 and you have 50 guests? ironically despite your desire for the "most intimate" part of the wedding the ceremony is legally a public occasions so you seem to be in a real fight about adding 2 people out of what 20, 30, 40 for lunch this seems nuts.

oh an invitation which reads please come to wedding but only have your partner along in the evening is odd and impractical.

"they" have been very rude but weddings are not really "yours" they're family occasions and frankly people get emotional and irrational because they care which is kinda nice right

guess what you don't get your own way on your weddiing day just like the rest of your life.

ps I had a father in law in tears over arguments about whether a doolaaly grandmother got to go along and throw her food around at the reception it seems ridiculous now and I was probably as furious as you!!

pps nothing UKC likes more than wedding histronics
BigHairyIan - on 26 Oct 2012
In reply to birdie num num:
> (In reply to 33% Longer)
> Wisdom according to Num Num: You're not being in the least bit unreasonable. It's your wedding, not theirs. No loss if they don't come, get an early decision off them if they're not coming, that way, you can invite someone who likes you both.

+like

If they are a married couple, then I think.that you are duty bound to invite both or not.at all. If it is 'just' a 'significant other', then it's up to you. No space=no place. Screaming and shouting doesn't change that fact. That said, I don't envy your position in the matter!
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r0x0r.wolfo - on 26 Oct 2012
In reply to alasdair19:
> (In reply to 33% Longer) "reasons of space"
>
> means what restraunt holds 50 and you have 50 guests? ironically despite your desire for the "most intimate" part of the wedding the ceremony is legally a public occasions so you seem to be in a real fight about adding 2 people out of what 20, 30, 40 for lunch this seems nuts.
>
> oh an invitation which reads please come to wedding but only have your partner along in the evening is odd and impractical.
>
> "they" have been very rude but weddings are not really "yours" they're family occasions


They live in the same town. Their girlfriend or partner or w/e can come later. What's the big deal? Who would kick up a fuss about that? Im not married but was invited to my girlfriends cousins wedding and I declined.

I don't know you. Why are you inviting me to something this important? I don't go to weddings of people I don't know. I was told that I could just come to the reception instead which I would have been more comfortable with if I had have gone. But alas I find that stuff boring and was not buying a new suit while saving up to go to the gunks.

If whoever wants to go for a meal with their girlfriend/boyfriend no one is stopping them. Tell them to f*ck off.
Ferret on 26 Oct 2012
In reply to Enty: confused the hell out of me when people strated refering to the wedding breakfast when madame ferret and i were looking at venues... I was focusing on dinner and they were boffling on about breakfast? What the hells going on I was thinking.....Turns out its called a breakfast (so I'm told) as it is the first meal you have together as a married couple. No idea who dreamed that piece of nonsense up but I'd guess its probably an americanisation?
Sarah G on 26 Oct 2012
In reply to Ferret: I think it has Victorian (British) origin.

Sx
DancingOnRock - on 26 Oct 2012
In reply to Sarah G: According to Jeeves it's pre-reformation. Weddings were held after mass and people fasted before mass. Sounds plausible to me. I couldn't eat anything at all untill the ceremony was over anyway. So it was my breakfast.
DancingOnRock - on 26 Oct 2012
In reply to alasdair19:
> (In reply to 33% Longer) "reasons of space"
>
>
> "they" have been very rude but weddings are not really "yours" they're family occasions and frankly people get emotional and irrational because they care which is kinda nice right
>

This is about the best answer I've seen so far. I don't understand why people go abroad to avoid family and freinds or costs. The whole idea of a wedding is that you are declaring to your family and friends that you have formed a special partnership. doing it in secret or only in front of a few of your friends seems daft.

And traditionally a mariage is where you bring up children, so what's all this "No kids invited"?

We had 200 to our wedding, the church could "only hold 130". It was rammed. 70 of them came to the meal, children as well who were at adult prices (That's a ridiculous rip off!). Then 200 or so in the evening who again were all fed at the buffet.

It was difficult to select which family memebers/friend came to the meal. My Parents were divorced and working out where their 'common' frinds sat was a nightmare.

To top it all, my cousins (and partners, who I'd never met) came to the meal, ate, then announced that they were getting in an early night because of the christening in the morning. What christenig? Oh the christening of my cousins baby, I didn't know she'd had a baby and hadn't been invited to the christening. Nice! LOL.
Tall Clare - on 26 Oct 2012
In reply to DancingOnRock:
> (In reply to alasdair19)
> [...]
>
> This is about the best answer I've seen so far. I don't understand why people go abroad to avoid family and freinds or costs. The whole idea of a wedding is that you are declaring to your family and friends that you have formed a special partnership. doing it in secret or only in front of a few of your friends seems daft.
>
> And traditionally a mariage is where you bring up children, so what's all this "No kids invited"?

That's just one interpretation though - who's to say what's right or wrong?

A big formal marriage (complete with acting like a total princess, expecting to be the centre of attention, spending a fortune etc etc) is my idea of hell.
DancingOnRock - on 26 Oct 2012
In reply to Tall Clare:
> (In reply to DancingOnRock)
> [...]
>
> That's just one interpretation though - who's to say what's right or wrong?
>
> A big formal marriage (complete with acting like a total princess, expecting to be the centre of attention, spending a fortune etc etc) is my idea of hell.

That's exactly what I mean. The most important things are 1. The exchange of vows and 2. Everyone is relaxed and enjoys themselves.

If the bride is lording it up no one enjoys it, if guests can't bring their closest friend they're not going to enjoy it.

There is a good reason to have a standard formal wedding. Everyone knows exactly what to wear, what to do, how to behave and what is going to happen next.

I play in a band and have been to so many weddings where the couple have tried to do something differently and completely come unstuck.

One wedding they had to have lasagne to start with. It had to be delivered, was late, and no one ate it. Keep it simple.
999thAndy on 26 Oct 2012
In reply to Tall Clare:

> A big formal marriage [...] is my idea of hell.

Weddings should have a bit of formality - it adds gravitas.

To the OP

We had similar restrictions and decided on no kids - boy oh boy did that cause some ructions - but it was our day and in the end I think the friends who'd sprogged found it nice to be without the kids for a short while.

Tall Clare - on 26 Oct 2012
In reply to DancingOnRock:
> (In reply to Tall Clare)
> [...]

>
> There is a good reason to have a standard formal wedding. Everyone knows exactly what to wear, what to do, how to behave and what is going to happen next.
>
> I play in a band and have been to so many weddings where the couple have tried to do something differently and completely come unstuck.
>

But lots of people don't *want* a standard formal wedding. Next thing you'll be suggesting it has to happen in a church!

The bigger risk, as I see it, is that people with no event management experience are suddenly managing a 15k event (or whatever), complete with emotional complications.

Tall Clare - on 26 Oct 2012
In reply to 999thAndy:
> (In reply to Tall Clare)
>
> [...]
>
> Weddings should have a bit of formality - it adds gravitas.

Obviously - it's a legal ceremony. All the bullshit of rent-a-bride identikit white dresses and five ushers though? No thanks.
>
> To the OP
>
> We had similar restrictions and decided on no kids - boy oh boy did that cause some ructions - but it was our day and in the end I think the friends who'd sprogged found it nice to be without the kids for a short while.

Which is really nice for siblings with kids... no... wait... see, there's no single easy solution.
idiotproof (Buxton MC) - on 26 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer:

My friend had a similar issue with the 'no kids' rule. Invitations were sent out early enough to arrange something suitable. Much complaining and mumblings until the ' well if our kids cant come we aren't coming' .... 'ok, well hopefully we'll catch up soon after the wedding'

My mum had a strict 'If I dont know them or like them, they aren't coming to the ceremony/breakfast'. +1's can come to the evening bit but not the main bit.

its your wedding so you can do as you damn well wish
999thAndy on 26 Oct 2012
In reply to Tall Clare:

oops forgot the winking smiley!

;-)
Ava Adore - on 26 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer:

A good friend of mine started posting on Facebook about her impending wedding. I thought we were in for months and months of wedding talk. About a week later, the wedding photos were up. Sounds like they completely avoided all the wedding b*llocks and just got on with it.
elsewhere on 26 Oct 2012
In reply to Tall Clare:
> The bigger risk, as I see it, is that people with no event management experience are suddenly managing a 15k event (or whatever), complete with emotional complications.

Much better to go for a hotel/venue that does the catering too. If they're doing weddings every week they'll be well practised.
Tall Clare - on 26 Oct 2012
In reply to elsewhere:

Places like that tend to have wedding co-ordinators. There are a lot of them kicking around.
DancingOnRock - on 26 Oct 2012
In reply to Tall Clare:
> (In reply to DancingOnRock)
> [...]
>
> [...]
>
> But lots of people don't *want* a standard formal wedding. Next thing you'll be suggesting it has to happen in a church!
>

Not at all. People are free to do what they want. All I'm saying is that when you are dealing with a large group of people and you don't normally organise parties of that size (and budget) then as you say, get an organiser, or reduce the size and budget to what you can manage. And manage it well. OR don't stress over things you have no control over.
Tall Clare - on 26 Oct 2012
In reply to DancingOnRock:

Very true. In my case, I'm feeling quite relieved that I've got fifteen years of event management experience to call on...
lithos on 26 Oct 2012
In reply to Tall Clare:
> (In reply to elsewhere)
>
> Places like that tend to have wedding co-ordinators. The lot of them need kicking around.

fixed that for ya
Tall Clare - on 26 Oct 2012
In reply to lithos:

Some people *live* for weddings. Really. The thought of wrangling that many bonkers brides fills me with horror, but maybe these people are performing a valuable service to society by stopping these people inflicting their mentalism on their friends?
lithos on 26 Oct 2012
In reply to Tall Clare:

quite possibly, they still need a kicking :-)
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Tall Clare - on 26 Oct 2012
In reply to lithos:

Whilst reviewing my career-change options a while back, someone who knew that I'd done lots of event management and some PR stuff suggested that I become a wedding co-ordinator. I thought it best to ignore them...
nrhardy - on 26 Oct 2012
In reply to Rollo:
> (In reply to 33% Longer)
>
> My cousin got married. I wasn't invited due to money/space constraints. I wished them all the best and asked my parents (who were invited) to say hi.
>
> Because I'm a reasonable person!

There's no place for the likes of you on this forum.
Tall Clare - on 26 Oct 2012
In reply to nrhardy:

Get the pitchforks. We'll drive him out!
GrahamD - on 26 Oct 2012
In reply to 33% Longer:

Rule 1: Your party, your rules.

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