/ Best Ever Route Description?

This topic has been archived, and won't accept reply postings.
Elrond - on 27 Oct 2012
Is this the best ever route description?

http://www.ukclimbing.com/logbook/c.php?i=240524

Any other equally brilliant ones??
johncoxmysteriously - on 27 Oct 2012
In reply to Hazelnuts:

I'll never cease to be amazed how much pleasure some people get from comparisons of pieces of rock to naughty parts of the body.

Still, it's a good thing, I suppose. The more pleasure there is in the world the better, after all.

My own favourite is Charlie's Overhang at Baldstones.

'Take the roof on flakes to a hideous final mantelshelf. The ground below is flat - and getting flatter.'

jcm
alooker - on 27 Oct 2012
In reply to johncoxmysteriously: love it
augustus trout - on 27 Oct 2012
In reply to Hazelnuts: Both are brilliant but my favourite has to be "The worst route I've ever done" XS which has the description of "a frighteningly horrible route just to the left of the gully and crossing the overhangs at the top. No further details are available, which is probably just as well"
Blue Straggler - on 27 Oct 2012
In reply to Hazelnuts:

I like it when guidebooks waste precious space with the phrase "up these to the top".
Tom Last - on 27 Oct 2012
In reply to Hazelnuts:


This one's a description of a venue - rather than a route - but nevertheless...

Pigeon Ogo

"One of the Cornish Coast's more memorable natural features. By comparison, Bosigran's Great Zawn is a pleasant sunny spot, ideal for family picnics. Ogo is Cornish for cave and this is a vast example whose roof has long since disappeared. Overhanging sides festooned with bilious green slime and liberal quantities of guano do not encourage an atmosphere of light-hearted anticipation. Etc..."


Climbers' Club - West Cornwall
andy - on 27 Oct 2012
In reply to johncoxmysteriously: Can't remember the route, but pretty sure it's on Chee Tor.

"Improvise left".
johnny1 - on 27 Oct 2012
In reply to Hazelnuts:

a route in dalkey quarry

THE PHANTOM RASPBERRY BLOWER E5 5c
The upper traverse line on the Ghost Slab is an excursion for those of stout heart. You can leave the gear behind for this one. Once embarked upon you might as well keep going as it is just as hard reversing, and as everyone knows, it is much more honourable to fall off going up, than it is to fall of whilst trying to reverse. Massive crater potential. Follow The Ghost to the right hand end of the fault. Before confidence disappears, launch out leftwards and manically crimp your way along the line to a junction with Haunted. The ensuing buzz is tremendous.
I like climbing - on 28 Oct 2012
In reply to johnny1:
That's fabulous !
Frogger - on 28 Oct 2012
In reply to Hazelnuts:

This one made me smile.. part of the Rockfax description of Smoked Salmon at Bamford:

'How you gain the top break is nothing considering what lies above...'

Landy_Dom on 28 Oct 2012
In reply to Hazelnuts:

Here's one to scare you off:

Fruit of the Gloom MXS (California, Dinorwig slate quarries)

A comprelling but ultimately crazy proposition. From the belay ledge traverse left across a series of loose ledges to reach the base of the evil fissure. Shuffle up this until terra ferma is reached and with it an overwhelming sense of relief. After you've calmed down a bit, spare a thought for your poor second, who's true horrors are just about to begin.
Landy_Dom on 28 Oct 2012
In reply to Hazelnuts:

Or, if that's not quite horrific enough:

Buffer in a Crack House XS (Australia East Braich, Dinorwic slate quarries)

An infamous Crook / Kay route that was once the only chimnay on slate; it now presents the ultimate evidence of the fact that geological time is NOW! The chimney has opened up and is currently more of a canyon. On first aquaintance the route will have appeared to have fallen down, but this is not the case, it can still be climbed!

The approach is quite harrowing in itself, but here goes: skirt round the outside of 'Where the Green Ants Dream', and traverse across rightwards, treading as lightly as possible.

P1 4b (40m) Ascend the apalling looking cracked pillar and continue into the obvious cleft. Belay at the back of the gully, with a kevlar umbrella (essential to protect the poor belayer).

p2 5b (40m) Bridge up the void to stacked blocks above (with a strong feeling of impending doom); undercut through the blocks with much trepidation to eventually make the final mantel onto steep scree. Surry up this faster than it scurries down (on to your belayer!) and belay on the toilet block above.


johncook - on 28 Oct 2012
In reply to Hazelnuts: I think one of the best descriptions is the photo caption in the Froggat to Black Rocks guide for Sunset Slab. Don't have the book in front of me to copy it, but when I do, I will!
Cake - on 28 Oct 2012
In reply to Hazelnuts:
Is it in that old Devon guide (or was it Gower), where he whole route description is in Hebrew and no other clues?
Al Evans on 28 Oct 2012
In reply to Cake: Lockwoods Chimney, Clogwyn Y Bustach,

"The most traditional of routes. To gain full satisfaction it is best to do the route at moonlight; the party should 'preferably' be large and of large men (preferably drunk)."

1989 Tremadog and Cwm Silyn (and earlier guides too).
Al Evans on 28 Oct 2012
In reply to Al Evans: Or in Horseshoe Quarry

Chocolate Blancmange Sandwich 50m Scottish IV E4 or Jackson 1

"This unique expedition takes the attractive mud slope at the extreme left end of the quarry. Climb the mud slope until progress is stopped by a suspect boulder. Climb onto this then transfer to the right of the gully. Follow a series of delectable mud bands and rock steps trending right until a final corner/flake can be gained to finish. A route which still stops many modern rock stars."

I wonder why?
Dave 88 - on 28 Oct 2012
In reply to Cake:

Yeah I think it's the old CC Devon guide.
climber34neil - on 28 Oct 2012
In reply to Hazelnuts: does anyone remember Steve Ashton's column in high from many years ago with his glossary of terms? There was his route description of " gesticulating iguana" which if I remember right said something along the lines of " ventilate up the flair back and rock over for the obvious flopped knob"
Al Evans on 28 Oct 2012
Simon4 - on 28 Oct 2012
In reply to Al Evans:

> To gain full satisfaction it is best to do the route at moonlight

Moonlight is cheating, it should be pitch-black and sheeting with rain, only one headtorch being posessed by the entire party, never at the place where it is needed.
Steve Crowe - on 28 Oct 2012
In reply to Hazelnuts:

Paul Williams Cloggy guide. The description of Indian Face. Awesome!
Alex Winter - on 28 Oct 2012
In reply to Hazelnuts:

I think a route at Gib Torr is described as having "more problems with heather than Paul McCartney ever had" in Peak District Bouldering.
Mark Kemball - on 28 Oct 2012
In reply to Hazelnuts: Also from the Iain Peters guide - the introduction to Henna Cliff:
"Conveniently situated near the graveyard of Morwenstowe Church,..."
SimonMarcYoung - on 28 Oct 2012
In reply to Hazelnuts: Only mosseee could write something like that
Mark Kemball - on 28 Oct 2012
In reply to Dave 88:
> (In reply to Cake)
>
> ...old CC Devon guide.
Note - there has not yet been a CC guide to South Devon. The route you are refering to is in the Nick White guide produced by cordee. It is the appropriately named "Tower of Babel", the introduction is written in Italian, pitch 1 in Greek and pitch 2 in Hebrew (I think). An English description may be found in the earlier Littlejohn and O'Sullivan guide.

Mark Kemball - on 28 Oct 2012
In reply to Simon4:
> (In reply to Al Evans)
>
> [...]
>
> ...., only one headtorch being posessed by the entire party, never at the place ...

For full value, the headtorch should have a flat battery.
Al Evans on 28 Oct 2012
In reply to Mark Kemball:
> (In reply to Hazelnuts) Also from the Iain Peters guide - the introduction to Henna Cliff:
> "Conveniently situated near the graveyard of Morwenstowe Church,..."

An Iain Peters classic, it was so refreshing to see a guidewriter with a really good sense of humour and for the CC to let him get away with it :-)
Bob Moulton - on 28 Oct 2012
In reply to Mark Kemball: In fact there is a translation in Nick White's guide in the first ascent list 'for those desperate enough to sort out the gobbledegook'. The only clue to this is that the date at the end of the description is in Roman numerals.
Boy - on 28 Oct 2012
In reply to Hazelnuts: Undoubtedly the best one I ever saw was this from the old Peak Limestone South guide: Jerry Moffatt Stole My Face E2 5b - Drabber Tor - "Lots of pockets, holds and sidepulls to a chin-crushing climax where your heart strings will flutter and your liver will leap out of your gaping mouth."
ablackett - on 28 Oct 2012
In reply to Hazelnuts:

Fistful of Dollars, E5, Old Man of Hoy. You are advised to have a rack with lots of Friends 1-3 and Rocks 1 - 9, mostly large ones and a leader, a good one.


Lots of crackers in here....

http://www.ukclimbing.com/articles/pdf/Orkney.pdf

Stackie Geos
MR: Sheet 6 574287 Walk a short distance to the coast and explore. Detailed access: No information. First ascent: We don’t even know if there is a stack to ascend!

And my favourite...

Stacks of Wirrvie
MR: Sheet 4 223734 The name implies more than one stack although the map shows just one possible item. We’ll assume two.
Detailed access: Descend cliffs and investigate.
Wirrvie Stack 1
First ascent: Unknown.
Wirrvie Stack 2
First ascent: Unknown.
Bulls Crack - on 28 Oct 2012
In reply to Hazelnuts:

Reach for a Peach Hetchell in the old Blue Yorks guide?

In the middle of a seemingly blank overhanging wall are two tiny nipples.
These are gained obscenely by underclinging an orifice with one finger.
Gaining the hole is in itself extremely awkward.

tprebs - on 28 Oct 2012
In reply to Hazelnuts:
the Mourne mountains classic Severe: The Sheugh 73m S
Despite almost permanent dampness, the main central chimney on the crag gives an outing of great atmosphere which is just on the humorous side of character building and is best savoured in a large party with high spirits or preferably full of spirits.

Any route description that recommends being drunk has to be up there!

A fun experience on the Sheugh
http://www.mournesclimbers.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=52
climbingpixie - on 28 Oct 2012
In reply to Bulls Crack:

That was going to be my suggestion. I'm very pleased they've kept the description in the new Yorkshire Grit guide.

"Desperate. A route for technical wizards and incorrigible perverts alike! Rockover for the obscene orifice. One finger undercut this and go for the two nipples miles above. Pinch these, think of England and execute the horrendous final moves. The crux is now even harder since the better nipple suffered an unfortunate mastectomy."
alan moore - on 28 Oct 2012
In reply to climber34neil:
> (In reply to Hazelnuts) does anyone remember Steve Ashton's column

I remeber that! Used to laugh until ! cried reading his stuff!
DaveFidler on 28 Oct 2012
In reply to andy: Chee tor girdle?
Steph-in-the-West on 28 Oct 2012
In reply to Hazelnuts:

"Climb the corner at the seaward end of the ledges, before making awkward moves over a rudely projecting appendage."

The climb is "Phallus" at Vessacks Point, Cornwall S Coast. It's just about impossible not to use the appendage!!!!
Bulls Crack - on 28 Oct 2012
In reply to climbingpixie:

Yes but I think the last line is the funny one!
Steve Ashton - on 31 Oct 2012
In reply to alan moore:
> (In reply to climber34neil)
> (In reply to Hazelnuts) does anyone remember Steve Ashton's column
>
> I remember that! Used to laugh until I cried reading his stuff!

I hate to spam the forum but this came out on Amazon a couple of days ago (scared of direct linking):

Diddly Squat's Encyclopedia of Mountaineering

...which re-hashes some of those columns. It's only for Kindle but you can get the free app for PC etc. Also you can look inside before deciding not to bother. If anyone ever felt like buying me a pint for those columns (half a pint at this price - I like the imported stuff in bottles that make you look the shiznits in dimly lit bars), now's your chance.
Nick Russell on 31 Oct 2012
In reply to Hazelnuts:

How about this one (also from the slate quarries):

"New Rays from an Ancient Sun A4 20m
A serious proposition, which is probably best soloed (i.e. only one person will die if the suspect shield of rock in the top groove pops off!!!) Move up from the mouth of the 1st tunnel and continue straight up the hairline crack and the groove above, passing the aforementioned shield of doom. Abseil off and go and have a long hard think about what you're doing with your life!"
Simon4 - on 31 Oct 2012
In reply to Mark Kemball:

> "Tower of Babel", the introduction is written in Italian, pitch 1 in Greek and pitch 2 in Hebrew (I think).

There is a tale (almost certainly apocryphal), of an Oxford college setting an exam for a new fellow. They gave him a passage in Assyrian, with the single instruction "Translate this passage".

Unfortunately, they had neglected to say into which language it should be translated, so he translated it into Serbo-Croat. To their eternal shame, they had to go outside their own college to check the translation - and then rejected him on his table-manners.
ads.ukclimbing.com
cap'nChino - on 31 Oct 2012
In reply to Al Evans:
> (In reply to climber34neil) This is quite fun from the Iain Peters N Devon guide
> http://www.ukclimbing.com/images/dbpage.html?id=173025
> http://www.ukclimbing.com/images/dbpage.html?id=173027

Very funny. I like the upper E comment :)
GrahamD - on 31 Oct 2012
In reply to Simon4:

Tower of Babel is the one I think of in these threads. I suspect that the totally uninformative description, an alpine grade and the route name is all the information anyone venturing onto it actually needs. If you need to ask I presume you aren't ready for the route.
petwes on 31 Oct 2012
In reply to Hazelnuts:
Was it Fingerrip at Avon in the old pre-Drummond guide that was described as "the crux is a mantelshelf onto a small flake that has since disappeared"
Mark Collins - on 31 Oct 2012
In reply to Steve Crowe: Indeed! A work of art in itself, surprised it didn't make the autobiography.
nniff - on 31 Oct 2012
In reply to Hazelnuts:

SOS at the Sea Walls in Avon used to have a dotted line painted up it. The decsription read 'Tear along the dotted line'. If you look very carefully, you can just see the last remaining vestiges of the line in places, but the description is long gone :o(
AJM - on 31 Oct 2012
In reply to GrahamD:

> Tower of Babel is the one I think of in these threads. I suspect that the totally uninformative description, an alpine grade and the route name is all the information anyone venturing onto it actually needs. If you need to ask I presume you aren't ready for the route.

I think the description is quite helpful as it goes, but then maybe my rack is unusual in not regularly including 6-inch nails
deepsoup - on 31 Oct 2012
In reply to Hazelnuts:
My favourite is still 'The Actress' in the 1989 Stanage guide (the red one with Johnny Dawes on the cover): "Lies under the Bishop"
Neil Henson - on 31 Oct 2012
In reply to Hazelnuts: The North Cornwall guide has some great ones. Can't remember the exact description or the name of the route, but there was one that said something along the lines of:

Instead of climbing this route, why not drive your car towards the cliff edge and keep going. You will probably live longer that way.

This topic has been archived, and won't accept reply postings.