/ 'I don't know what I want'

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Edradour - on 28 Dec 2012
Had these immortal, and soul destroying, words uttered to me this evening...

So, in a straw poll. how do you interpret the phrase 'I don't know what I want' or 'I don't know if I want to be in a relationship'?

I reckon, from experience, that the second, unuttered, part of the sentence is '...but I know it's not you'.

What a time of year for it!
alasdair19 on 28 Dec 2012
In reply to Fickalli: it means if you don't jump I'll push...
Hairy Pete on 28 Dec 2012
In reply to alasdair19:
> (In reply to Fickalli) it means if you don't jump I'll push...
+1. If they wanted you, they would know.
bobbybin - on 28 Dec 2012
In reply to Fickalli: In my experience of many failed relationships my expert opinion says that you're f*cked. Get your retaliation in first, destination dumpsville
AndyE9 on 28 Dec 2012
unfortunately i think you know the answer to this one .

If it was me I would out her right away , get a cheap flight to Thailand , sort you right out
johnj on 28 Dec 2012 - 86.112.78.158 whois?
In reply to Fickalli:

The way i would see this is somewhat 4th dimensionally i.e I don't know if I want our proper sacred relationship discussing in open source with community but still many strangers, take it either way you wanna read it, your life X
Bimbler - on 28 Dec 2012
In reply to Fickalli:

Yep, you're toast!

However New Years eve is approaching so as one door closes... or something like that!
Wonko The Sane - on 28 Dec 2012
In reply to Fickalli: Allow me to translate.

I don't know what I want = I am dissatisfied.
That dissatisfaction could be with you, her own life, or she genuinely may not know. If you're lucky, she's not a child and if you talk to her nicely, she may be able to discuss it with you and you'll both know where you stand.
If she messes you about, don't make the mistake of staying. Walk.

Caveat being if you've been together more than a couple of years.
In every longer term relationship your sort of mildly fall in and out of love at various times depending on how busy you are, taking each other for granted etc. I was with one partner for ten years and it happened twice in that time, each period lasting a few months.

I don't know if I want to be in a relationship almost always = I don't want to be in a relationship with YOU, except when dealing with someone who is quite focused on a particular goal which you're getting in the wya of,even if only because being with you takes some of her time away from that goal.

My tried and tested method is a couple of nights getting horribly sloshed, then arrange to be really busy with hobbies etc. You'll be right in no time.
RichardP - on 28 Dec 2012
In reply to Fickalli:
It's all been said by others,
maybe (I think unlikely) this is a male point of view on her statement!
if any of the Ladies on here would like to comment on this thread?
KellyKettle - on 28 Dec 2012
In reply to Fickalli: If it's a relationship you're currently in, then I'd want to know why they're suddenly unsure, if the reason is one that you can't change, or don't believe/understand I'd try to part amicably before it can get messy...

If it's a relationship you're trying to form, then there might be hope yet... depending what else is going on, you may just have to wait for the rest of their life to calm down.

A wise man once told me: "If in doubt, Gather your good friends and go to the pub; find solace in the friends, not the beer".
The Lemming - on 29 Dec 2012
In reply to Fickalli:

Time to buy:

A box of tissues










Some lube










Access to a porn site of your choice







And develop a meaningful relationship with Pam and her five sisters.
MJ - on 29 Dec 2012
In reply to Fickalli:

Next time, take her somewhere with a set menu...
Kelcat - on 29 Dec 2012
In reply to Fickalli: where's Num Num when you need him? Someone needs to say his name three times...
Denni on 29 Dec 2012
In reply to Fickalli:

Some people on this thread seem to think it is funny or maybe I'm reading it wrong but as you said in your opening gambit "soul destroying". Seems to me that it will affect you pretty badly so my only advice is, whatever happens, I hope it goes ok and you come out the other end alright.
Edradour - on 29 Dec 2012
In reply to Denni:

Cheers, appreciate that.
lost1977 - on 29 Dec 2012
In reply to Fickalli:

get what you can and bail (and by what you can i mean ask her to try everything that would have got you a slap or worse before)
johnj on 29 Dec 2012 - 86.112.78.158 whois?
In reply to Denni:

Hello and sorry for my insensitivity for posting again on a thread which I have already stated questions about should it even be here, yes I know we all have to find answers at sometimes difficult points in life. But if we believe in the soul, can it be destroyed by sometime so temporal? I thought the soul was eternal and life here was all but a learning experience. However I think your reply is much more relevant than the ones that you see as funny X
mole2k - on 29 Dec 2012
In reply to Fickalli:

I had the rather unpleasant ending of a 6 year relationship in the last month where I was told that basically she hadn't loved me for the last 9 months or so and pretty much only stayed with me because I had a bad fall while climbing that took a few months in bed to recover from. As soon as I was fit again off I was pushed... in the rather public manner of her cheating and posting about it on her blog...

But as usual I find myself in the situation of eternal optimism and am glad it's over with and looking forward to some good climbing trips this year!

Chin up there's always a brighter side :)
Scarab9 - on 29 Dec 2012
In reply to Fickalli:

As someone that's found help on many things, some of them personal, on this forum I can understand why you posted. But with this I think no one is going to be able to advise you without a long talk with you about the inns and outs of it. Find a good friend, a bar, and chew the fat. Work out what YOU want first (not simply 'her' but why do you want her, what do you want from her, what compromises are you prepared to make, how long are you willing to give her etc) and them speak to her.

"I don't know what I want " does often mean "I don't want you/this (but I feel bad saying that so have complicated the issue in my own head)" but can also be related to many things. As wonko is getting at it could be different things in her life that aren't being fulfilled that could be with some changes, she may need to step back for a bit and have more space while she works things out, it may be you've fallen into a rut...who knows.

It doesn't necessarily mean that you are the problem or even that it's your relationship.

It does mean hard times ahead and a lot of understanding from you which is why you need to know what you want. Understanding usually has a limit where it's going to mess you up and a line needs to be drawn.

Our you might realize you're not that happy either really and it's best to have an amicable split.

Good luck whatever happens
Trangia - on 29 Dec 2012
In reply to Fickalli:

Been there done that.

Being an optimist I'd vote for the former. We all have occasional doubts and lows. Take a break, go off for a few days to sort out your own thoughts and allow each other space, then see how you both feel when you meet up again.

Good luck.
ads.ukclimbing.com
Wonko The Sane - on 29 Dec 2012
In reply to Scarab9:
> (In reply to Fickalli)
>
>

>
> It does mean hard times ahead and a lot of understanding from you which is why you need to know what you want. Understanding usually has a limit where it's going to mess you up and a line needs to be drawn.
>
As Scarab says, undersstanding definitely should have it's limits. I fell foul of this myself in the last year and made excuses for someone far too much, partly because I really didn't know for sure what the problems were because she wouldn't say even if I'd hit the nail on the head sometimes. In truth, my relationship ended last December, not this December. I just allowed it to drag on and since all I've done with my year is support her and pander to her demands, I feel I've had the most wasted year of my life.

Don't fall into that trap (and it is of my own doing, I should have put my foot down and said no thank you when she kept coming back)
Supportive is one thing, don't allow advantage to be taken. You'll simply come out feeling worse.



> Our you might realize you're not that happy either really and it's best to have an amicable split.
>


Always the best way in my opinion. I much prefer to be honest about how I feel with someone so they can make their own decision as to whether they should stay or go, and vice versa.
For that reason, many of my exes are mates, a couple of them quite close mates.
Wonko The Sane - on 29 Dec 2012
In reply to Fickalli: Also, don't fall into the trap of splitting up and getting back together. I've done a year of this and at the time put it down to her being unsure. In fact it's about insecurity. Some people with low self esteem define themselves by the attention they get. Each time they split from you, they're in fact looking for someone else to 'connect with' and if they come back, it's probably because they didn't find it that time around. They NEED someone to be calling and talking to all the time. All that will happen is that eventually, they'll meet someone who will fulfill the need and that'll be the end of it.

Not saying it is the case, what I'm saying is that you should ALWAYS obey red flags.
Uluru on 29 Dec 2012
In reply to Fickalli; :( from a woman's point of view that doesn't sound very promising. Sorry. I think you should ask her the questions which you posed in your original post i.e. What it is that you don't know that you want.

She may just be being spineless and want you to do the breaking up to allow her to feel less guilty about it.

It is a really bad time for it. Wish you all the best and hugs x
jonnie3430 - on 29 Dec 2012
In reply to Fickalli:

My 2p, don't take what was said too seriously, they may just be feeling miserable and their words match their mood. Don't put up a barrier against them and expect more info, or an apology to remove. Now is a chance to do some mega point scoring (crass way of saying show some love,) by looking after them with cups of tea, cake, dinner, not judging, not trying to solve problems and above all listening to them when they talk, don't offer anything, just listen (some people de-stress by talking, they aren't interested in your opinion on what you've heard, just that you have listened to them.) Work at it and don't give up (if you want it.)

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