/ Excessive flatulence

This topic has been archived, and won't accept reply postings.
marsbar - on 02 Jan 2013
As per the title, I suffer from constant, loud flatulence. It's not related to diet - no matter what I eat, it never varies in either intensity or volume. The neighbours are complaining now. What can I do?
balmybaldwin - on 02 Jan 2013
In reply to marsbar: light them instead of wrecking the ozone layer like cows do!
balmybaldwin - on 02 Jan 2013
In reply to balmybaldwin:

Or go to the doctor
mkean - on 02 Jan 2013
In reply to marsbar:
1) Go to the docs, get reffered to a specialist bum doctor, get to know agent Picolax and then have a camera stuffed up your bottom.

2) Get a dog, it won't stop the problem but will give you a scapegoat.

3) I understand you can buy stoppers from certain niche online companies.

Happy to help.
cuppatea on 02 Jan 2013
In reply to marsbar:

They must be good ones. It's other people that suffer from mine :D
I like climbing - on 02 Jan 2013
In reply to marsbar:
Your ailment is also one that Adolph Hitler suffered from according to John Toland who wrote a biography of AH. Thought you might like to know that......
wilkie14c - on 02 Jan 2013
In reply to marsbar: That 25kg sack of brussel sprouts wasn't such a great bargain after all then
dissonance - on 02 Jan 2013
In reply to blanchie14c:
> (In reply to marsbar) That 25kg sack of brussel sprouts wasn't such a great bargain after all then

depends on whether you like the neighbours or not.
Cú Chullain - on 02 Jan 2013
In reply to marsbar:

Why would you want to cure it? Farting is awesome, learn how to trumpet 'Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini' as a party trick, you will never have to buy a drink again.
mkean - on 02 Jan 2013
In reply to Cú Chullain:
Why would you want to cure it? Farting is awesome, learn how to trumpet 'Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini' as a party trick, you will never have to buy a drink again.

Just don't try it while wearing one, just incase you over extend yourself trying to finish it off and end up following through :-)

wilkie14c - on 02 Jan 2013
In reply to mkean:
> (In reply to Cú Chullain)
> Why would you want to cure it? Farting is awesome, learn how to trumpet 'Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini' as a party trick, you will never have to buy a drink again.
>
> Just don't try it while wearing one, just incase you over extend yourself trying to finish it off and end up following through :-)

ROFL!!
birdie num num - on 02 Jan 2013
In reply to marsbar:
Mrs Num Num likes to cock her leg and do massive beery rippers and has now blown a great ragged brown hole in the back of the lemon coloured lingerie I stole for her Crimbo present.
The Lemming - on 02 Jan 2013
In reply to mkean:
> get to know agent Picolax and then have a camera stuffed up your bottom.

I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

I was given two sachets of Picolax in preparation for a camera up the botty. As I'd never taken a laxative before, I assumed that I would have one big poo and be about my normal working day.

About 40 minutes after taking the stuff at work I learnt a valuable lesson.
mkean - on 02 Jan 2013
Clarence - on 02 Jan 2013
In reply to marsbar:

Maybe this source of energy could be tapped via a small turbine-buttplug. You might be able to trickle charge a mobile phone on a good day.
The Lemming - on 02 Jan 2013
In reply to mkean:

Two posts in and tears are rolling down my face in both laughter and memories of how awful this stuff is.

:-)
Cú Chullain - on 02 Jan 2013
In reply to mkean:
> (In reply to Cú Chullain)
> Why would you want to cure it? Farting is awesome, learn how to trumpet 'Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini' as a party trick, you will never have to buy a drink again.
>
> Just don't try it while wearing one, just incase you over extend yourself trying to finish it off and end up following through :-)

Thats where the polka dots come from......
The Lemming - on 02 Jan 2013
In reply to The Lemming:

here's one that I liked


blu-tone – 2007-07-18 07:47:36
Picolax turned my bum from it’s usual semi-dormant state:
a bit like Vesuvius; an impresssive and majestic sight with occasional noxious wiffs, regular minor expulsions of dangerous matter and a very rare display of awesome ferocity worthy of international news

into:
a portal from another collapsing largely aqeous universe via which all compressed matter emerged at trans light speeds, expanding exponentially as it emerges from the “wormhole”.

If you think the widespread deluges of precipitation experienced this “summer” in any way approach “Biblical Proportions”, then rest assured by 09:00 tomorrow you will have ample personal evidence to entirely revise your delusion.

I will add three pieces of advice, two very useful, the other certainly very serious.

1] Wear tracksuit bottoms or other baggy style garment with elasticated waist, this might give you an outside chance.

PLEASE READ THE NEXT ITEM VERY CAREFULLY BEFORE TAKING “AGENT” PICOLAX

2] CHECK THE TIME & DATE OF APPOINTMENT ON THE HOSPITAL LETTER,

REPEAT

2] CHECK THE TIME & DATE OF APPOINTMENT ON THE HOSPITAL LETTER

3] Have a TRUSTED friend verify your reading of the details in ITEM 2

WCA, If you are looking for an INTERESTING thread tomorrow then I’ll try to explain from personal experience why ITEM 2 above is so vital.

To those about to take Picolax, we salute you . . . (TBC) . . . . .
sbc_10 - on 02 Jan 2013
In reply to marsbar:
> The neighbours are complaining now. What can I do?


...move house.

vark - on 02 Jan 2013
In reply to marsbar:
Could you get silencer from a scrap yard and attach it in some way?

If It works for you could probably also develop the anal equivalent of a catalytic converter to reduce the environmental impact of your emissions.
climbercool - on 02 Jan 2013
In reply to marsbar: This is what you can do, these made a brilliant christmas present!!!
http://www.shreddiesgifts.com/giftware/c/11/mens-gifts/

Shreddies flatulence filtering underwear gives you peace of mind when an upset stomach, trapped wind or IBS could cause embarrassment during social occasions and intimate moments. A special activated-carbon back panel absorbs flatulence odours. The underwear hugs the body to give a snug fit, forcing all flatulence odours through the back panel, allowing you to relax knowing there's no risk of any odours escaping. Due to its highly porous nature, the odour vapours are trapped and neutralised by the cloth, which is then reactivated by washing the garment.

Shreddies underpants also offer a solution for sufferers of functional bowel disorders such as IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) and crohn's disease. Anybody that suffers from flatulence problems will know of the social issues that it can cause. Shreddies flatulence filtering underwear are a serious medical solution to the relief of bad wind and work by passing the flatus odours through an activated carbon filter inside the underwear. By passing the odours through the filter, the bad gas is then odour free and allows the wearer freedom from the problems it can cause in social situations.
stroppygob - on 02 Jan 2013
In reply to marsbar: Get a job powering Beardie Branson's next round the world in a balloon attempt.
tom_in_edinburgh - on 02 Jan 2013
In reply to vark:
> (In reply to marsbar)
> If It works for you could probably also develop the anal equivalent of a catalytic converter to reduce the environmental impact of your emissions.

AFAIK catalytic convertors run at about 500 deg C so not really recommended for anal use.

Bingers - on 02 Jan 2013
In reply to marsbar:

I must confess that haven eaten a couple of merguez sausages this evening, the problem is here as well. Garlic and cooking in olive oil doesn't help.

In a couple of days time I will be home in Angleterre and all will be well again in my culotte.
Cthulhu on 02 Jan 2013
In reply to all:

Let's put it this way - this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0xGp3jWWUk

is an amateur compared to Ms Marsbar...

This topic has been archived, and won't accept reply postings.