UKC

Hello, for a while now I've been thinking of starting a band of psychic soldiers. To qualify you have to

a) be a soldier or ex-soldier
b) be psychic

I'm psychic and an ex-soldier so fit the criteria. The purpose to the band will be to stop war by using our psychic veteran powers to persuade the civilian population to abhor all forms of warfare and have casual sex with us.

Alyson told me there was some psychic soldiers about this parish so I thought it worth a shout.

Training will start with tai chi in Stanage Plantation Woods on the next full moon when it's not too cold.

No girls.

Anyone want to join my posse?

In reply to shaun l:

Can I bring my banjo?

In reply to shaun l:

I forgot the smilies

I'm going to watch The Men Who Stare At Goats tomorrow. Always makes me grin

In reply to cuppatea:

All non-violent forms of musical instrumentation will be welcomed.

Unfortunately I'm a bit of a veggie so staring goats to death will only be permitted when the psychic soldier in question is hungry.

Staring goats to death for fun will result in extras which will take the form of two hours of yoga and one hour of mediation behind the guardtree.

In reply to shaun l:

I was a soldier but have never been (nor foresee myself being) psychic. Can I still join, perhaps in some sort of support/logistics role? Or can I go through back-filled basic-psychic?

What are the T&Cs, service length, will I be eligible for an educational grant, and which branch of your psychic forces would you recommend if I want to spend most of my time climbing or riding horses around Hyde Park?

In reply to David Martin:

Hello David, your more than welcome to join! All soldiers are psychic, just some need a little more encouragement to fully realise their psychic potential.


Stop war. Get laid.

service length,

once you join you'll never want to leave, you couldn't anyway. That's the nature of psychic abilities.

will I be eligible for an educational grant,

Er, no sorry. It's all a bit Ad Hoc at the moment. I'll need to wait until I've got more recruits, then I'll be able to convince the civilian population to provide funding for educational grants.

and which branch of your psychic forces would you recommend if I want to spend most of my time climbing or riding horses around Hyde Park?

God's corps - also known as The Corps of Royal Psychic Engineers. Or the SAS - super army sychics.

In reply to shaun l:
My main concern is having to deal with BAPS, Burds Against Psychic Soldiers. Thier sole purpose in life is to disrupt pissed up.....I mean psychic squaddies, usually by means of their womanly assets, you know the sort, jiggling thier booblies in your face, hanging outside bars at closing time, jumping in your taxi and then covering you in lovebites by morning! We must be careful of this lot.......now, where do I sign up??

In reply to shaun l:

I wasn't in the army and I'm a girl, but I make a cracking cup of tea.

In reply to shaun l:
I spot a flaw in this cunning plan. As a psychic squaddie, would this mean that when I pull in whatever todays version of the Scorpion niteclub at Catterick, (shudder..) Is, I'll have a premonition of the horror that awaits when I wake in the morning? 

I'm suing you for PTSD
 

In reply to jonny2vests:

The AGC can make tea?

In reply to shaun l:

You had me till the 'no girls' clause.

In reply to shaun l:

Can I bring my unicorn?

In reply to thread:

Come on chaps there's no point asking Shaun any questions is there? He's already read them, and if you're going to join in, you know the answers!

Andy - civvy scumbag to my core

In reply to jonny2vests:


I'm a girl too, and I protest at your no-girls clause. Why shouldn't girl soldiers also be psychic and want to see some in-the-plantation action?

In reply to shaun l:

I'm an old psychic arm chair climbing fart and know my way up every 8000m peak. My arm chair has also taken me to both Poles and the Moon. I've also read, from my arm chair, Spike Milligan's book on his part in Hitler's downfall, so my military knowledge is second to none. Casual sex in an armchair can be crowded but fun. I'm not a girl, so can I join?

In reply to shaun l:

I'm psychic and I therefore knew weeks ago that you would be posting this.

What's your definition of a 'soldier'? (I do know because I'm psychic, but want you to post it for the benefit of others). I'm not in the military but I am soldiering on.

In reply to abseil:

PS I can prove I'm psychic. You are thinking about having a nice cup of tea. Correct?

In reply to abseil:

PPS I have yet more proof:
[1] it will be ****ing cold in the Peaks tomorrow.
[2] Three Pebble Slab will soon be E1

In reply to aultguish: Hello aultguish, I've spoken to BAPS and they're quite happy to leave us to our psychic program during the hours of mid-afternoon, early evening and dusk, before continuing their stalking practices throughout the night and morning.

This should leave us sufficient time to complete our mission.

In reply to abseil:


I already asked that question, apparently my four months in the OTC don't count.

In reply to jonny2vests: Ah, doing some special ops psychic soldier work I see. Don't worry <codename> j2v, your secrets safe with me.

Well we'll see you when you get back soldier. Tea round here's shite.

In reply to ericinbristol:

Hell yeah!

In reply to abseil:

Hello fellow psyche. My definition of a 'soldier' is one who has served or is serving at least the minimum contract in one of the human earthling armies.

So you're welcome to join and cut about and have fun with us, you've just got to join an army first.

In reply to Clarence:

lol

In reply to shaun l: No girls. OMG you are totally oppressing me you sexist, quick find me a student to write about it.....

In reply to shaun l:
>...you're welcome to join and cut about and have fun with us, you've just got to join an army first.

Thank you! I will join the French Foreign Legion right away at Fort de Nogent, 94120 Fontenay Sous Bois, Paris, serve 5 years and then I'll be back. See you! Keep a place for me for March 2018!

In reply to shaun l:

The most sane thing I have read in a long time.

Just compare it to the idiocy of 10 years ago 'Let's invade Iraq cos there are loads of WMD there, Iraqis will welcome us with open arms and peace will break out all over the Middle East'.

In reply to abseil: No worries brother. See you soon(ish), have fun!

In reply to Tim Chappell:

Don't worry, as a girl civilian you will be in on the peace rumpy-pumpy. What's not to like?

In reply to ericinbristol: Haha, I know what you mean! We went over there expecting street parties, girls on every corner, dancing in the street. And we did we get? Stones thrown at us, people trying to blow us up and people shooting guns at us. It was rubbish.

In reply to marsbar:

I think you'll find that jcm has spoken, and decreed that there is no such thing as sexism and so you shouldn't worry your pretty little head about things that are way too complicated for you. But it is kind of cute watching you try.

In reply to shaun l:

It was indeed that bad - they didn't just shoot bullets at us - they shot whole guns at us...

In reply to shaun l:

Thank you AGAIN! I've really keen... I'm going to teach my French Foreign Legion compadres [language?] knitting, and also go to Star Trek conventions with them as often as my duties allow. I'll post e-Xmas cards on UKC every year!

In reply to shaun l:


Crumbs, must have been almost like you were in the Army!

In reply to Tim Chappell:

That's exactly what it was like Tim. I couldn't believe it!

In reply to ericinbristol: I have watched this and I think kittens are cute.

youtube.com/watch?v=LS37SNYjg8w&

In reply to shaun l: sorry bro, no soldier was i.
maybe this could be your anthem?
youtube.com/watch?v=Ub1qw2MmVOM&

In reply to shaun l:


Yeah, down at the Recruitment Office, I bet no one warned you it might involve, like, wars and killing people and weird shit like that!

In reply to shaun l: Shaun, if you really are psychic then you can join our psychic altruistic group.

I am thinking of the phone number for you to call us on. If you can call us, you can join.. Peace!

In reply to shaun l:


Brilliant. You said "cut about"