/ Having Friends of the Opposite Sex

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Does it make you a better husband / wife / boyfriend / girlfriend, or does it cause problems?

Answers on a postcard.
BelleVedere on 15 Jun 2013
In reply to Submit to Gravity:

well i'm clearly a rubbish GF - but i don't think the variety of my friends genders is the cause of this
In reply to BelleVedere:
> (In reply to Submit to Gravity)
>
> well i'm clearly a rubbish GF - but i don't think the variety of my friends genders is the cause of this

I'm sure you're not )))
Tall Clare - on 15 Jun 2013
In reply to Submit to Gravity:

I think it makes you a more well-rounded person, if that helps?
In reply to Tall Clare: Well put. Apropos of nothing, I've just had really bad deja vu. Have we had this discussion before.
Tall Clare - on 15 Jun 2013
In reply to Submit to Gravity:

Not that I can recall...
Orgsm on 15 Jun 2013
In reply to Submit to Gravity:

No or no
In reply to Beat me to it!: Should that be "no and no"?
puppythedog on 15 Jun 2013
In reply to Submit to Gravity: My best Man was a Woman (I'm a Bloke), she is my best friend. I think there have been occasions early on with MrsTheDog and I have had conversations about it but other than that I don't think it makes much difference. I think if anything the fact that my friendship needs are more readily met by this friend may be a part of me being a more rounded individual.
Orgsm on 15 Jun 2013
In reply to Submit to Gravity:

Well you've assumed that if it makes you a better husband etc. then it can't cause problems as you used or. I don't believe it's either or.

Yes can be a better husband / wife etc as a result but doesn't mean there won't be problems. It might make you worse, but there may be no problems. Anyway you get the idea.

In reply to Beat me to it!: Indeed - it could both make you a better partner, but your partner might not see it like that, which would cause problems.
In reply to puppythedog:
> (In reply to Submit to Gravity) My best Man was a Woman (I'm a Bloke), she is my best friend. I think there have been occasions early on with MrsTheDog and I have had conversations about it but other than that I don't think it makes much difference. I think if anything the fact that my friendship needs are more readily met by this friend may be a part of me being a more rounded individual.

Ah, you see it t'other way round?
puppythedog on 15 Jun 2013
In reply to Submit to Gravity: Other way round to what?
My best friend is of the opposite sex to me, this also helps my wife and friend spend time together without me making her our friend which is very useful to us all.
In reply to puppythedog: Well, it can be viewed that having friends of the opposite sex can make you more well-rounded; you seemed to me to be saying that because being already well-rounded allowed you to have friends of the opposite sex. That's what I meant by the other way round.
puppythedog on 15 Jun 2013
In reply to Submit to Gravity: Ah, in which case yes that's how I view it. In fact having the friends I have had has helped for me to come to the point that I was able to have the wonderful relationship I now have.
Jim C - on 15 Jun 2013
In reply to puppythedog:
> (In reply to Submit to Gravity) My best Man was a Woman (I'm a Bloke), she is my best friend.

Interesting question of what does a female best man wear to a wedding?
puppythedog on 15 Jun 2013
In reply to Jim C: She wore a dress but did consider wearing a suit. If I get to be her maid of honour I'll wear a frock. :-) if she wants.

Deviant - on 15 Jun 2013
In reply to Submit to Gravity:

Have you thought of this from a bisexuals point of view ?

puppythedog on 15 Jun 2013
In reply to Deviant: Would you like to offer a bisexual perspective?
Enty - on 15 Jun 2013
In reply to Submit to Gravity:
> Does it make you a better husband / wife / boyfriend / girlfriend, or does it cause problems?
>
> Answers on a postcard.

It's just weird.

E
Deviant - on 15 Jun 2013
In reply to puppythedog:
> (In reply to Deviant) Would you like to offer a bisexual perspective?

I suppose I could try, but I'm still confused ! I guess I'm beyond the stage where every 'new conquest' was worth risking friendship for, better to give things time and let things remain at 'friendship' level, if that is all that is on offer.

puppythedog on 15 Jun 2013
In reply to Deviant: Have you ever experienced difficulties or benefits from your best friend being an option for you sexually?
John_Hat - on 15 Jun 2013
In reply to Submit to Gravity:

Most of my friends are female - basically I'm not a particularly "blokey" bloke - don't do football/cars/etc, and historically have always got on better with women than men.

I'm getting married in nine months, and will have two best women. To answer a question elsewhere on this thread, we will all be wearing Tuxs. Current thinking is I'll be in a black on white tux, and they will have white on black Tux.

To be honest, I don't think that having friends of the opposite sex is any different to having friends of the same sex. They are friends - hence you interact with them on a level where their gender is irrelevent. Hence I don't think it makes you a better BF/Husband.

As to "does it cause problems", it depends on the other person. As it happens Lady Blue has historically got on with blokes better than women - in fact at the wedding will be having a Bridesman - so is in a similar situation, but in the other direction:-)

It always makes me feel kind of strange when you see these blokes where all their friends are blokes, and the opposite sex is only there as potential relationship material, and obviously the same for women who only have female friends. Presumably their only view of the opposite sex is as sex objects? Presumably if you've got that view of the opposite sex it might cause problems, but as the whole idea is a foreign land to me I don't know.

puppythedog on 15 Jun 2013
In reply to puppythedog: When in a relationship I mean.
Timmd on 15 Jun 2013
In reply to Submit to Gravity:

It probably makes you more rounded as a person, and it can cause problems if the other person 'has issues'.

Lots of straight couples have friends of the opposite sex without it causing problems.
stroppygob - on 15 Jun 2013
In reply to Submit to Gravity: It depends if you want to bone the friend or not.
puppythedog on 15 Jun 2013
In reply to stroppygob: or if your partner fears you wish to bone the friend.
Deviant - on 15 Jun 2013
In reply to puppythedog:
> (In reply to Deviant) Have you ever experienced difficulties or benefits from your best friend being an option for you sexually?

Both ! Much frustration and even being beaten-up !

I once attempted running two simultaneous relationships; never again !

The Lemming - on 15 Jun 2013
In reply to Submit to Gravity:

I too have friends of the opposite sex, and many of them I climb with and Little Miss Lemming is fine with that and does not feel threatened that I will have a mid-life crisis and want to bone a 20 year old.

Little Miss Lemming, and all of my friends, both male and female, also know that I appreciate the female form.

I'm not a pervert, and I am not a saint, nor have I cheated but I do like to look at a nice arse. :-)
ice.solo - on 16 Jun 2013
>
> I'm not a pervert, and I am not a saint, nor have I cheated but I do like to look at a nice arse. :-)

i concurr. except on the first bit.
Dauphin - on 16 Jun 2013
In reply to Submit to Gravity:

Birds you don't fancy. And the odd one or two you would given the chance. Basically the friendships dropped away in later life as I had nothing much in common and I wasn't going to have sex with them. Weird life innit?

D
Troy Tempest - on 16 Jun 2013
In reply to stroppygob:
Yup, that was my thinking, all depends on whether or not they're fit.
aln - on 16 Jun 2013
In reply to The Lemming: F"ck it gets boring reading about your wonderfully average life.
The Lemming - on 16 Jun 2013
In reply to aln:
> (In reply to The Lemming) F"ck it gets boring reading about your wonderfully average life.

You're welcome.
In reply to John_Hat:
> (In reply to Submit to Gravity)
>
> Most of my friends are female - basically I'm not a particularly "blokey" bloke - don't do football/cars/etc, and historically have always got on better with women than men.
>

I'm somewhere in the middle, although to be honest if I'm generalising I find friendships with women are bit less superficial.

> To be honest, I don't think that having friends of the opposite sex is any different to having friends of the same sex. They are friends - hence you interact with them on a level where their gender is irrelevent. Hence I don't think it makes you a better BF/Husband.

I tend to disagree that their gender is irrelevant. My friendships with women are different to my friendships with men. Also, and I think this is where I was going with the thread, I think having friends of the opposite sex helps you to understand that sex better, which makes you more considerate and understanding.


> It always makes me feel kind of strange when you see these blokes where all their friends are blokes, and the opposite sex is only there as potential relationship material, and obviously the same for women who only have female friends. Presumably their only view of the opposite sex is as sex objects? Presumably if you've got that view of the opposite sex it might cause problems, but as the whole idea is a foreign land to me I don't know.

I've known blokes who have been genuinely puzzled as to how I could enjoy the company of women, except as a means to shagging them. Can't help thinking that they're missing out.
John_Hat - on 16 Jun 2013
In reply to Submit to Gravity:

> I tend to disagree that their gender is irrelevant. My friendships with women are different to my friendships with men.

Agree there, but I've generally though that's because, as you say, they tend to be less superficial.

> Also, and I think this is where I was going with the thread, I think having friends of the opposite sex helps you to understand that sex better, which makes you more considerate and understanding.

I think it depends on the people then, as I'm honestly not sure. It may be that my female friends are at the "blokey" end of their gender and prefer friendships with blokes in the same way I prefer friendships with women.

I've often been told by these women that they prefer male company because the friendship is simpler, more straightforward, there's no hidden agenda, and no competition compared to when they are friends with women.

Hence, as individuals offering an understanding of women in general they are not much use! :-) I still find the "honey-I-broke-a-nail" type of female incredibly irritating and have no idea how to relate to them.
marsbar - on 16 Jun 2013
In reply to Jim C: My friend and I were best women, we wore smart grey dresses, but with bright purple high heeled shoes to co-ordinate with the bridesmaids dresses.
marsbar - on 16 Jun 2013
In reply to marsbar: Back to the topic, my friend's wife doesn't seem to think it is a problem, nor does my husband.
Timmd on 16 Jun 2013
In reply to John_Hat:
> (In reply to Submit to Gravity)
>
> [...]
>
> Agree there, but I've generally though that's because, as you say, they tend to be less superficial.

I've genuinely found it depends on the personality of the people, I've friendships with both genders which have endured.
tlm - on 16 Jun 2013
In reply to Submit to Gravity:

All my mates and all his mates, no matter what their gender, are now both of our mates. Which is very nice for both of us, so it has been of benefit to us both.

If a partner asked me to give up any of my friends, I would see it as a big red flag to give up the partner.
birdie num num - on 16 Jun 2013
In reply to Submit to Gravity:
I have shagged many of my friends of the opposite sex
Edradour - on 17 Jun 2013
In reply to Submit to Gravity:

As others have said it entirely depends on the people involved. It might be an unpopular thing to say but IMO many, many blokes, particularly younger ones, use the label of 'friendship' to maintain a relationship with someone with whom they want something more. I have been out with a girl whose male 'friends' were in this category and it was incredibly awkward spending time in their company.

I think there are only problems if one or other of the people involved wants something more, whether that is actively articulated or not.

Not sure about this 'more rounded' argument either. Why would it make you more rounded?
The Lemming - on 17 Jun 2013
In reply to birdie num num:
> (In reply to Submit to Gravity)
> I have shagged many of my friends of the opposite sex


To the modern young person about town, this is what is referred to as 'friends with benefits'.

Never met one myself though.
The New NickB - on 17 Jun 2013
In reply to Edradour:

I have been in a few situations where I have been genuinely just good friends with a girl and it has caused real problems with the boyfriend, in one case threats. I just put that down to the boyfriend being a dick, something she realised fairly quickly and moved on. I am still good friends with the girl in question and indeed the bloke she is with now.
The New NickB - on 17 Jun 2013
In reply to Edradour:

I assume the more rounded argument comes down to someone being able to have a proper relationship with someone of the opposite sex that they are not related to or want to sleep with. A good life skill.
Donnie - on 17 Jun 2013
In reply to Submit to Gravity: depends on, amonmg other things, if you've slept with the friend before, the relative attractiveness of them and your partner, you're partner's self confidence
TomBaker - on 17 Jun 2013
In reply to birdie num num:

I am good friends with a number of women, i have shagged all of them at some points during our relationships. My other half has no problem with this.

That said she had a male best friend on the scene when i arrived, he is no longer around as i discovered that during the course of spending time together he had told her how much he liked her and kept talking me down.
We had a long conversation, decided jointly she should ditch him despite valuing his friendship. As a result she was miserable a while till she took up climbing and replaced him with a number of other friends.

Alls been well since.
teflonpete - on 17 Jun 2013
In reply to Submit to Gravity:

I've got quite a few female friends and some of Mistress teffers's best mates are blokes. Neither of us have a problem with each others' friends and get on well with the people we've got to know through each other. I think having friends of the opposite gender does make you a more rounded person with regard to relationships. For me there's nothing more dull or superficial than the whole 'men are from mars, women are from venus' attitude. That said, the women I'm friends with tend to be quite down to earth rather than the shopping, nail varnish and soap opera type. At the end of the day my friendships boil down to whether I get on with someone and we have something in common and / or similar ways of looking at life. Whether they're male or female doesn't make any difference.
The interesting question for me is whether having good friends of the opposite sex places a greater emphasis on sex with your partner, in that it becomes one of fewer parts of your relationship that is separate from your interactions with members of the opposite sex through friendships. For instance I have female friends with whom I climb, cycle, ride motorbikes, go out for a drink with and talk about life, work, dreams and aspirations etc with. I do all those things with my partner, but we have a sexual relationship too. The physical side of our relationship (not limited to but including sex) is one of the main things that makes our relationship different to my relationships with friends. In my relationship with my ex wife, once our sex life had gone downhill, we had less in common than we had with our respective friends and it became pointless continuing with the marriage. Had my ex and I not had friends of the opposite gender, possibly that sexless interaction with the opposite gender might have been enough to keep us together. I'm happy that wasn't the case. :0)
Troy Tempest - on 17 Jun 2013
In reply to TomBaker:
'I am good friends with a number of women, i have shagged all of them at some points during our relationships. My other half has no problem with this'

Virtual high five brah!
tlm - on 17 Jun 2013
In reply to teflonpete:
>
> The interesting question for me is whether having good friends of the opposite sex places a greater emphasis on sex with your partner, in that it becomes one of fewer parts of your relationship that is separate from your interactions with members of the opposite sex through friendships.

I don't think that the sex is the most defining part of my relationship at all, unless you count all the hugging and kissing! It is the emotional closeness and how well we know one another, and the shared time, choices, responsibilities that make it different from friendships.
TomBaker - on 17 Jun 2013
In reply to Barry Chuckle:
I still don't really understand how i've ended up in that situation.
Troy Tempest - on 17 Jun 2013
In reply to TomBaker: Kind of sounds similar to me, but substitute 'All' for 'Several'. Though the chances are it is causing serious problems and I'm totally oblivious to it.
krikoman - on 17 Jun 2013
In reply to tlm:
> (In reply to teflonpete)
> [...]
>
> I don't think that the sex is the most defining part of my relationship at all,

you might not be doing it right :-/
Blue Straggler - on 17 Jun 2013
In reply to John_Hat:
> don't do football/cars/etc

How do you define "doing cars"? You often post about the sporty handling of (iirc) some Volvo you used to have, and how great your Skodas have been in performance terms as well as capacity and economy.

And you do some sort of recreational combat don't you? I'd class that as blokey. Not in a pejorative manner though (nor is "doing cars" necessarily a bad thing). Just curious as to where you are coming from, you seem to be a bit dismissive here.
tlm - on 17 Jun 2013
In reply to krikoman:

> you might not be doing it right :-/

heh. Never mind what I do. He definitely does it right.

John_Hat - on 17 Jun 2013
In reply to Blue Straggler:
> (In reply to John_Hat)
> [...]
>
> How do you define "doing cars"? You often post about the sporty handling of (iirc) some Volvo you used to have, and how great your Skodas have been in performance terms as well as capacity and economy.

Hah! I think in the case of many blokes if your contribution to the conversation is how wonderful diesel Volvos and Skodas are then you, by definition, have no interest in cars. :-)

-> rest of post ignored. I get on better with women rather than blokes. Shall we leave it at that? Perhaps its because some blokes always want to pick or start a fight?
Troy Tempest - on 17 Jun 2013
In reply to John_Hat:
> (In reply to Blue Straggler)

>
> -> rest of post ignored. I get on better with women rather than blokes. Shall we leave it at that? Perhaps its because some blokes always want to pick or start a fight?

Met plenty of women like this. Maybe that's just Glasgow.

Orgsm on 17 Jun 2013
In reply to Barry Chuckle:

How's your brother?
robaj - on 17 Jun 2013
In reply to Beat me to it!:

Oh dear






















Oh dear oh dear
AlisonSmiles - on 17 Jun 2013
In reply to Submit to Gravity:

Neither. It just makes me human. My friends are mostly also human. Looking down my last ten text conversations, 7 are with men, 3 with women, and really it doesn't matter a jot.
teflonpete - on 17 Jun 2013
In reply to tlm:
> (In reply to teflonpete)
> [...]
>
> I don't think that the sex is the most defining part of my relationship at all, unless you count all the hugging and kissing! It is the emotional closeness and how well we know one another, and the shared time, choices, responsibilities that make it different from friendships.

I didn't say most defining, I said greater emphasis, that is different. Also, in my next sentence, which you chose not to quote, said that the physical side of a relationship, not limited to, but including sex, was part of what defines a relationship as opposed to a friendship. Guess what, you and Duncs aren't the only couple that enjoy a kiss and cuddle, and get emotionally closer as a result of it. While I don't have sex with my female friends, I don't snog them either!
Blue Straggler - on 18 Jun 2013
In reply to John_Hat: How do you define "ignored" exactly?
tlm - on 18 Jun 2013
In reply to AlisonSmiles:

I saw a quote that I liked:

Men are from earth and women are from earth. Get over it.
Troy Tempest - on 18 Jun 2013
In reply to Beat me to it!:
> (In reply to Barry Chuckle)
>
> How's your brother?
Waiting for a knock on the door from the Operation Yewtree boys I think...

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