/ Change a single letter in a film title
Mild at Heart - the tale of a real-ale obsessive
The Elephant Ban - self explanatory!
Pulk Fiction - tall tales about sled-hauling
Reservoir Bogs - documentary about the toilets at Scaling Dam
Strange Dads - documentary about oddball fathers
Moldfinger - mystery-thriller about a digit found in Welsh border town
Cob Air - comedy about an aerial baked good delivery service
Bean Streets - documentary about urban thoroughfares being transformed in order to grow pulses
Taxi Drivel - 2 hours of listening to a tubby Cockney wittering on about how he's not racist, mate, but he'd send them all back
A Beautiful Rind - self explanatory!
Requiem for a Bream - ditto
Carlito's May - a month in the summer of a Latino ex-con
Stab Wars - intergalactic knife fighting B-movie
Top Bun - more aerial bakery shenanigans
Iron Ban - self-explanatory
Wyatt Parp - biopic of legendary wild west trumpeter
Drunken Faster - 70s Jackie Clan speed-boozing classic
Point Bleak - surfing caper set in Saltburn
Apocalypse Cow - a ruminant pushes the big red button.
Over to you...but no more "Man - Ban" replacements please! Nor FatMan, too easy.
I can predict a few puerile entries (Womb Raider, CliffBanger etc). Bring them on.
The Thomas Clown Affair. A sticky fingered comic, shoplifts in Argos.
Apoxonthelips Now.....Drama at the Herpes Clinic.
Starmate, this guys friend becomes so frickin hot that everyone who gets close to him sets on fire, and the films hero has to find a way to save the world before the hot one sets fire to the whole god damn planet man, like whooooooaaaahhh totally far out duuuuude.
yes jonny it's way past you bed time, simmer down and have some Horlicks
How to Brain Your Dragon
Last Mango in Paris
Plight of the Phoenix (voiced by Morgan Freeman)
Vladiator! The Impaler goes to Rome.
The Fridges of Madison County
The Fridge at Remaagen
A Fridge Too Far
Sour Weddings and a Funeral
The Lingest Day
No Country For Cold Men
The God the Bad and the Ugly
Shaving Private Ryan
No Country for Old Den;
The former landlord of the Queen Vic resurfaces (yet again), this time living on the Costa del Crime, where the film catalogues his struggle with the cultural differences.
Young family Take Winter caretaker job at mountain Hotel. when Snowed in they realise theres nothing to eat except Tinned Prunes.
Spar Wars - local shop strife
Shaving Private Ryan - gay porn
Licence to Thrill
Riding Miss Daisy
When Harry Ate Sally
Hairy Potter and........
young boy at wizard school struggles against not only an evil wizard, but cruel taunts From Fellow students because he Looks Like a Mexican wolf boy.
Larry on camping.
Boxer Larry Holmes Takes a Leaf out of George Lean mean grilling machine Foremans book, and starts a range of camping Kit. He Launches the range with this Documentary.
Allen versus Predator
Hoy Story - an account of a cowboy and a spaceman making an ascent
Don't ADD a letter.
Don't change more than one letter.
when Hairy met sally, back before the age of <echo> STONE </echo> chimp like wolf boy meets Pleiadian outer space goddess who's ditched her flying saucer cos she's too busy doing her nails rather than watching out for earth. And they get it on and create a new race called Human beans old boy, Later there's a big war and the whole country sinks and some folk escape on an arc, but all records are lost, so someone retells the story but calls it adam and eve, then other folk get involved in the project realise they can make a lot of money from the rewrite and call this book, Viz the bumper Christmas special chapter 33.
Maybe this is a series.
I have been.
Pilates of the Caribbean
Bomb Raider - Lara loses patience and just blows stuff up.
Indiana Jones and the temple of Boom.
Indy has to Rescue a Sacred bong From the Clutches of Cypress Hill.
Indiana Jones and the fast crusade.
Indy finds holy Grail in first 5 minutes, film ends.
Indiana Jones and the raiders of the lost art.
Indy Tracks down the art thieves who stole the scream.
Oh man, now that would be worth a trip to the cinema!
oh eye, that ones a classic
Local Herd: The whimsical tale of an oil executive turning his back on a life in Houston to raise Highland cattle on the West coast of Scotland
Schindler's Fist: Evocative WWII drama about a German industrialist with big hands.
The Italian Lob: Documentary of ill-fated on-sight climbing in the Dolomites.
The Grate Escape: Classic WWII drama marred by annoying clichéd accents.
Forrest Dump - Hanks has a poo
Forrest Hump - Hanks gets his leg over
Forrest Jump - Hanks gets startled
Forrest Gimp - niche porn for people on the scale
Steve McQueen Knocks his inkwell over, no Matter what he does he cant stop the ink Spill Spreading. Oh no!
Coop Hand Luke - after all those Jedi and Empire shenanigans, Skywalker returns to rural life, getting a job as an assistant at a chicken farm.
Hobo with a shopgun.
Tramp loses rag with non stop cost of Living rises, Steals a pricing gun From Spar, and runs amok altering the prices on Special brew cans.
Cemento - slapstick comedy about a Spanish building firm.
Pam's Labyrinth - documentary about Pam Ayres' attempts to build a maize maze.
Did you listen to last week's I'm sorry I haven't a clue, where they added a word to film titles to make them mean something very different? Was very funny. Should still be on the iPlayer.
Pacific Dim - cos anyone who enjoyed it probably is
Transforgers - Counterfeiters with penchant for cross dressing
Jurassic Sark - Same film, different island.
Tron Sky - Nazi's from the dark side of video gaming
Mot Fuzz - er, self explanatory
Indiana Jones and the temple of Boom.
Indy has to Rescue a Sacred bong From the Clutches of Cypress Hill.
If anyone in Hollywood is reading this thread then this film needs to be made now! I want to see Harrison Ford fighting his way through a huge forest of weed to the tune of "Dr. Greenthumb". The bad guys could be the dodgy cops from "Pigs".
The Life of Po
Bengal tiger, red Tellytubby, dinghy. Enough said.
Schindler's Lost - German industrialist saves a few hundred Jews from some mad island full of complex subplots, flasbacks and time travel. The ending makes no sense.
Schindler's Fist - Liam Neeson in "Nazis rig boxing match to prove Ubermensch superiority" sporting biography
Schindler's Lint - German industrialist spends several hours cleaning out his belly button. In black and white so the director can have an Oscar.
Schindler's Lisp - German version of The King's Speech
American Pip - insipid contemporary version of Great Expectations starring Ethan Hawke and Gwyneth......HANG ON A MINUTE....
Jabs - it's now safe to go into the water
One missed fall.
Gritty British kitchen sink Drama about a Belayer who Spirals into depression after Dropping his Climber While oggling some Lovelies instead of paying attention.
One missed ball.
Same but with goalkeeper letting ball in in cup Final.
One missed gall.
Same but with surgeon during gall bladder operation.
One missed hall.
Same but with school Cleaner Sacked after forgetting to Clean the school Gym.
one missed wall.
Same but with Builder forgetting to Render gable wall of a refurbishment
My cousin Finny.
Joe Pesci finds out hes related to cute clownfish Nemo, and sets out to Rescue him From a mistaken identity murder case in the deep south.
One fish mob familys attempt to corner the Krill Trade. Dont mess with these guys, or youll wake up with seahorses Heads in your seabed. Ooh Err!
Cool Hand Puke
focuses chiefly on the hard boiled egg eating competition
The queen gets fed up with her consorts constant diplomatic gaffes and sets out to settle the problem once and for all after training secretly as a ninja assassin
Last of the red hat Lovers.
Down on her luck miliner refuses to give up Making red hats even Though this seasons Colour is Lime green.
Jay and silent bob challenge both Cypress Hill and cheech and chong to a last man Standing smoke off to see whos the real Spliff meisters. anything could happen. Snoogans.
A bogs Life.
Feature Length Docu Drama following the ups and downs of Harrisons toilet block.
Bill Bill - David Carradine receives some vengeful invoices from Uma Thurman
The Mosquito Toast - Harrison Ford is a maverick chef who takes his family to South America to make an innovative insect-based snack
(cheating with a TV series)
Gales of the Unexpected - dramatisation of Michael Fish getting it wrong in 1987
Barry on Sergeant.
Barry Humphries and john Sergeant in worlds ugliest gay porn shocker
Flans of our Fathers. The Great Bake-off of Iwo Jima.
laconic French slice of realism. Man cant find his teaspoon so sets out to buy another, but its half day closing in his village so he has to walk a Long way to buy a Replacement.
Haha, great! That's a goodun.
Empire of the Fun - J.G. Ballard recounts the hilarious japery of life in a Japanese internment camp.
A Waste of Honey - Gritty kitchen sink drama follows a man wrestling with his inner demons and eventually sticking to his diet.
Another Bear - Goldilocks is left devastated when she checks her partners texts.
Armadildo - Don't mess with this mo-fo
Frowning By Numbers - lost Peter Greenaway classic in which several generations of english womanhood affect quizzical/mildly cross facial expressions. Audiences do the same.
Mate, that's brilliant, I'm falling about here.
White men cant hump.
Blaxploitation pic where woody Harrelson sets out to Prove the films Title wrong.
Aguirre, the Wrath of Bod - fun viewing for the under-5s, in which a crudely drawn cartoon stick-man goes batshit f*ckin mental on a jungle rafting trip into the heart of darkness.
Star Bars - a 2 hour nostalgic chocumentary on one of Cadburys favourites, covering 4 decades of peanuts, caramel and a disastrous name change, in 3D and IMAX
Germinator II - Arnold Schwarzennegger is a deadly farming cyborg sent from the future, to protect humanity from a self-aware strain of wheat set to take over the planet. A special effects extravaganza sandwiched (sorry!) between the original low-budget cult classic 'The Germinator', and inferior sequel 'Germinator III - the Rice of the Machines', about the appearance of a new apocalyptic grain-based menace...
City of Angles - Nicholas Cage and Meg Ryan discover their unlikely love whilst lost in an M.C. Escher artwork.
City of Nod - sequal to the above. Nick and Meg escape from the Escher only to find themselves embroiled in favela turf war. They quickly defuse the situation by boring everybody to sleep.
The Pelican Grief.
Julia Roberts and denzel Washington are inconsolable after finding out happy feet isnt as good as the Trailers led them to believe.
Apollo 14......."Houston we have not got a problem"
Speechless in Settle
Cliff Richards Takes a load of annoying Sparky 30 somethings Pretending to be Teenagers on holiday on a double Decker bus. Weather is Lousy all week, and theyre stuck on bus playing cluedo with half the cards missing.
Not to be confused with the gay porn Parody film of the same name.
Spivs like us.
Del boy Trotter and Joe walker From dads army Try and sell a load of hooky eisel toilet roll to the Piles ward in a hospital. If anyone can pull it off, they can.
Crease - The gang war between Danny Zuko and Kenickie takes an unusual turn when Danny challenges Kenickie to a cricket match.
The Binnacle. Dave MacLeod shares his passion for maritime antiques.
Plight of the Navigator - adaptation of The Ascent of Rum Doodle, putting the emphasis on Humphrey Jungle as lead character
Dixon - Oliver Stone's 3.5 hour biopic of quaint fictional British policeman
The May After Tomorrow - 24-hour fly-on-the wall documentary about Dennis Quaid on 29th April
Snakes on a Plate - Pathé News film documentary about fuzzy-wuzzies and their funny eating habits
Real Window - in Hitchcock's overlooked precursor to The Matrix, James Stewart discovers that he is a computer construct and finds his way into the real world by snooping around with a telescope
Pear Window - James Stewart throws odd-shaped fruits through glass
Touching the Roid.
Climber with agonising piles and his fight with the daily pain of Applying his Prescribed ointment.
Sithnail & I. Two down-at-heel actors meddle with the dark side of the force.
My Week With The Marilyns--in which a wide-eyed Eddie Redmayne gives the rather delicious Emma Watson the slip in order to spend more time with some outstanding British prominences :-)
The Picker Man - Ewarwoowar falls for Britt Ekland's charms after all, then goes to help out with the harvest.
Not a film, but
wanking the dead?
Warwick Davis falls into a Dartmoor bog, and due to his small stature cant get out.
The Pitches of Eastwick - Cher, Susan Sarandon and Michelle Pfeiffer go climbing with Jack Nicholson
Planet of the Ares - Charlton Heston is transported through time and goes head-to-head with the Greek god of war
Fridge over the River Kwai - Tony Hawkes decides to leave Ireland for pastures new
Con Ayre - A flight goes terribly awry when Pam Ayres irritates the pilot by persistently reciting a poem about mistakenly eat peas in the dark, thinking they were beans.
The wrong troosers.
Scottish dub of the original.
The Wizard of OK - second-rate fantasy...
In the Leat of the Night - Sidney Poitier presents this this Open University documentary about nocturnal canal engineering practices in 1960s rural Mississippi.
Mick Jaggers ex wife goes Looking for a new house in her Native Spain.
Some Like it Hoy - Ed Drummond questions Marilyn Monroe, Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon's motivations as they set out to climb a hard new big wall on Britain's 3rd highest sea cliff.
Keith Carradine insults Harvey Keitel before a golf game and refuses to apologise. Each hole they play becomes more and more heated until a thrilling climax at the eighteenth.
Army of dorkness.
Bruce Campbell must fight the massed ranks of world of warcraft players Arrayed against him.
The Beer Hunter. An in-depth examination of the way that trying to get a drink affects the lives of people in a small industrial town in the USA.
Deer throat. Porn film involving ruminant mammals of the family Cervidae.
Pump fiction. The lives of two mob hit men, a boxer, a gangster's wife, and a pair of diner bandits intertwine in four tales of reinflating their tyres.
The shiting: A family heads to an isolated hotel for the winter where an evil and spiritual presence influences the father into going for a crap.
Die Lard - one man, one greasy condiment
Rail Man - the story of a savant ticket collector
The Tale of Two Bowers - Dane finds his long lost brother
The Bark Knight - Story of a medieval warrior inspired to defend trees from damage
Homo Alone - Stephen Fry in a room (no disrespect intended, spesh Mr Fry, who is awesome)
Reach For the Skins - WW2 ace Douglas Bader rolls a fat one.
Gene With The Wind - One time Kiss front man recounts his flatulent experiences.
Light Club - The further adventures of Thomas Eddison's and friends.
P.A. Confidential - A secretary reveals her secrets.
Die Bard - Shakespeare assassination attempt.
A Beautiful Mine - Documentary about open-cast classics of our time.
Dye Hard - the story of one textile manufacturer and their struggle
Die Hari - the reminiscences of a Buddhist
Die Bard - German film of Shakespeare's life
Lie Hard - Lawyer overdoses on Viagra
Pie Hard - Life story of a simpleton set on a life of commentating on overcooked meals
Dip Hard - Houmous serving instruction video on YouTube
Brendan Fraser must defeat an Undead Al Jolson before his army of black and White Minstrels devour the world.
Alpen - In space, no one can hear your muesli.
I'd watch this!
Alpen vs Predator - a little-seen Andy Warhol short film about a man eating breakfast.
Sigourney Weaver, I don't know, straightens some paintings or something.
Night of the Loving Dead.
The Dead Rise From their Graves and seek the Living to give them all a comforting hug. Bless.
Lawn of the Dead.
They then make wonderful gardens with cool stripes in the lawn and cute Concrete animal lawn ornaments.
> Indiana Jones and the fast crusade.
> Indiana Jones and the raiders of the lost art.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skill
Where Indy discovers a strange place where people make those crappy Swarovki ornaments
> You forgot
I Thought that was the one where Indy once again faces his old enemy Cypress Hill. when he Steps on their Turf this Time he finds theyre now the biggest methAmphetamine Producers in the world?
The Fisher Sing - a massively slowed down film (a la "24 Hour Psycho") of the bit in The Star Wars Holiday Special where Leia sings a song
The true story of a conservative corner shop owner in 1990 making a defiant stand against Mars corporation and continuing to sell Marathon bars long after the Snickers rebrand.
The Queer - Helen Mirren in an odd story about the Monarch
Burt Reynolds , Jon Voigt and the boys continue their journey downstream to the big city and help put out a towering inferno.
Unfortunately Ned Beatty is reduced to pork crackling.
Once upon a time in the vest, a story of how the west was won in vests.
The lady fillers , a disturbing erotic tale of a gang of men into shagging old ladies.
P.T. The story of a boy connecting with an alien over physical therapy sessions.
Laws - solicitor makes a killing out of innocent swimmers
Blunkett and Macleane.
Past his best Actor Robert Carlyle and now unemployed Blindo ex home Secretary join Forces and Embark on a New career as highwaymen.
I thank you.
The Tiger Sanction - Epic pussy adventure on one of the alps great north faces
It's a wonderful lift
Heart-warming seasonal take of how Mr. Ortis saved so many from climbing stairs
The Green Pile: Careful, that might have gone septic.
Raging Mull: Western Isles travelogue.
Das Butt - gay frolics beneath the waves during the Battle of the Atlantic
Like fight club but with very heavy books.
Oi! "but no more "Man - Ban" replacements please! "
Speed Raker - chronicling the controversial amphetamine-doping scandal in the first Gardening Olympics.
Whoops, didn't spot that rule.
The Wine that Shakes the Barley
During a drinking session, a group of friends decide to create their own free state.
Mary Popping. Disney brings her bang up to date, off her tits on Es and whizz.
I thought she could have been in the original (and I'm sure Dick van Dyke was...)
Sight Club - Ed Norton goes to Specsavers and sees Brad Pitt in the mirror
Sing, Kong! - The ape packs his bags and heads for the bright lights of Broadway.
(Is added punctuation allowed?)
Well I haven't thought about it much, but I am inclined toward "no"
Shift - blaxploitation film about the 10 - 6 shift at Halewood
Flue Velvet - typical Lynchian urban nightmare in which wholesome young Kyle McLachlan uncovers a secret chim-chimeny-sweeping cabal led by Dennis Hopper, and cops a good look at Isabella Rossellini's tits into the bargain
I can feel a series of superhero movies starring Chairman Mao coming on..
Bing Kong - A sequel featuring that perennial Christmas favourite song, also starring Bob Hope and Dorothy Lamour
King Dong - a film about a large bell?
Dr. Ho - Vietnamese alternative to a well know James Bond film.
The Incredible Hull - the City of Culture's bid-winning short film.
So I Parried an Axe Murderer - A Mike Meyers film thankfully very short.
Paving Private Ryan - the amazing story of how after the war a soldier starts off, and against all the odds, managed a successful footpath company.
Hogma - a zany movie about a couple of drug smoking pigs have their beliefs tested.
Goonraker - Bond tidies Spike's lawn
For Four Eyes Only - Non PC Bond film aimed at the short sighted
Doctor Yo - Bond battles Tim Westwood
Goldminger - Bond stops a munter robbing a bank
Pie Another Day - Bond asks if it's ok to have a lamb chop today instead
The Man With The Golden Bun - Bond helps a chap who has broken his tooth on a bejewelled iced finger
2001: A Spade Oddysey - trippy journey into man's obsession with digging implements, tracing their history from the day a chimp first used a jawbone to excavate a hole.
With Hail and I - story about two wasters who get caught in bad weather
Raving Private Ryan - A dark and twisted tale of the side effects of the US armies "Pep-pills" on some unsuspecting clubbers.
Saving Private Nyan - You have no idea what is going on, but it is pretty bloody annoying after a while:
Harry on Camping - Prince Harry goes Camping with hilarious results.
Harry on Cruising - Prince Harry bats for the other side.
Harry on Regardless - Prince Harry goes on and on.
Harry on Spying - Prince Harry joins MI5
Harry on Henry - Prince Harry changes his moniker slightly.
Harry on Dick - Prince Harry tells of his naked pool parties.
Political incorrectness alert! (this may well kill the thread)
Lars Von Trier's controversial study of a monarch who pretends to have Down's Syndrome
The Oink Panther - cat burglar who's a bit heavy on his feet
Ping Kong. A giant ape takes on Boris at wiff-waff.
The Song Good Friday - gritty musical in which Bob Hoskins discovers his inner diva
Oh god here we go again...
Killing Zoo, Eric Stolz goes wolf hunting in Colchester.
True Grip, John Wayne not only gets an Oscar, but a coveted ground up ascent of unfamiliar.
The good, the bap and the ugly, Clint Eastwood seeks out justice and floury bakery products in the desert.
The ham busters, Richard Todd gets fruity with Miss Piggy.
Das Book, epic account of German submariners trying to get through Ulysses, shot in real time, nearly 8hrs long.
Munster, Charlize Theron unrecognisable as a reanimated corpse.
Sandhi, Ben Kingsley in loincloth chafing caper set in the dusty heat of India.
The pursuit of happiness. Will Smith in correctly spelled film which looses a tiny bit of its pathos.
Dirty Hairy, maverick San Fransisco cop with a soap allergy.
It. Malcolm McDowell dresses as a clown at public school.
Blaring Saddles, Cleavon little and Gene Wilder are asked to keep the noise down.
Aai, Will Smith biopic of the greatest boxer of all time, Ali G.
Lean, hitman Jean Reno exercises and drinks milk.
The Bucket lisp, Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson try and extricate a galvanised steel receptical from their mouths before they die.
The Wig Blue, Barry Humphreys biopic.
Mellow Submarine, late 1960's Beatles animation.
The Site Runner, realistic portrayal of a building site.
Cybernetic gang smuggle air fresheners from planet to planet.
The Thong. Scientists working in Antarctica are attacked by an alien in skimpy underwear.
For a pew, dollars more.
An amusingly accented person with english as a second language increases their US currency bid for wooden church furniture.
Shite House Down
Terrorists storm an outside dunny!
Walk the Tine.
Johnny and June Carter Cash in amusing farm machinery balancing games biopic.
Drinking Biddies - two old northern women discuss life in the pub, despite being married to other people
A bad movie about people with Psychic ability
Jamie Bell teleports by taking a shit
Bilbo Baggins joins the cast of Trainspotting
Night of the Punter.
Robert Mitchum's chilling portrayal of a VDiff climber on Stanage.
Lulu Dawn - After a hard night many men vanquished by female singer.
Lulu - Michael Caine and Stanley Baker hold off determined attacks by same angry female at Rorke's Drift
Leo goes for Speech therapy at an Island Clinic.
Kremlins - small Russian officials set out to sabotage the plans of the USA
The Beer Hunter - Early 1970 film set in Wales where Bobby De Nero and his chums go in search of a pint on a Sunday afternoon.
Train spotting - Ewan McGregor go in search of precipitation in Yorkshire.
Adam's Family Valves - Gerry Adam's trials and tribulations as he struggles to run an iron mongers in credit crunch Ireland.
Natural Born Tillers - Long awaited big screen adaptation of The Archers. Woody Harrelson and Juliette Lewis cause something of a stir up at Grey Gables.
Send it like Beckham.
David Turns his arm to bouldering, and makes an instructional video.
Get Farter, the search to find who's leaving a nasty pong wherever they've been.
Supertan, an extended holiday in Morocco leaves it's mark.
The Secret Life of Walter Kitty
Ben Stiller tries to convince everyone he's really a cat.
Horror story based on a fictional suburb of Manchester
Harry Potter and the Deathly Mallows
Bonfire snack nearly kills our hero
Not Just M and the DB5 buy the farm
Guess who's coming to donner - Sydney Piotier lead a wagon trail across America
Gland Theft Auto - Misandrist Drive around stealing members.
Cool Band Luke - Young Mr. Sky-walker starts a music group.
True Grot - the most boring Western ever made
Zulu Pawn - African Chess contest
Shit in the Dark - Peter Sellers goes to the toilet during the 1970s winter of discontent.
The Life of Di - Welsh version of the now classic novel
Full Metal Packet - a lung-busting tale of indestructible cigarettes
Withering Heights - A mother in Law's view of the world
A Plumber steals plugs from sinks and a French detective hunts him down.
Full Petal Jacket - a tale of how the flower power movement infiltrated the US army
Um - A widower forgets his life.
The Sling - aided by a simple knot, conmen in 30's Chicago pass off old stockings for profit.
The Men who Stare at Moats - medieval prequel to a later film, where men try to destroy castle fortifications by mindpower
Hoodwanked! - Inner city yoffs go on the rampage
Mingin' In The Rain - landfills greatest hits, the musical.
Eddie Izzard holds siege to a city and sneaks in under the cover of night
carrying a tray
Playboy racing driver James Hunt turns up at the local STD clinic
A couple of fish search for the lost Roman Emperor
The Lime of Pi - boy trapped on south derbyshire crag with tiger
127 Tours - Six months on the road with Status Quo.
Eminem gets his diagnosis From the rectal Clinic.
Time to dig out the Up in Smoke DVD...
Mad Mac. In an apocalyptic future Scotland (mind how you vote next September!), a vengeful bobby hunts down the neds that killed his family.
The Glue Lagoon. Brooke Shields gets into a sticky mess.
A Shot in the Mark - genre mash-up. Tough guy Wahlberg in "violent B-thriller" mode gets caught off guard and gunned down by a slapstick French police inspector
The Rung - Oriental high school students mysteriously die based upon whether they reached a certain height on a ladder
Forrest Bump (sorry if that's been done?) - Tom Hanks childishly keeps a forum thread going and going and going. In the woods, or something
Gin City. Stylish monochrome comic-book adaptation following the urban dream of The Queen Mother gawd bless her
The Lambusters - welsh rustlers have a night by the lakes
The Otters - Nicole Kidman's house seems to be haunted by ghostly lutrinae (yes I just looked up that last bit)
The Otter Boleyn Girl - yadda yadda yadda, The Lives of Otters, etc. etc.
Black Boon - Michael Elphick as a minstrel in a Dutch Resistance Second World War movie.
Force Ben From Navarone - feature-length edition of I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. Fogle is exiled from the island.
The Hand that Hocks the Cradle - psychotic nanny Rebecca DeMornay steals cribs and sells them on at pawn shops
Can the mods move this to Culture Bunker? It's gone rather better than I expected!
Forking Girl - Melanie Griffith uses her sass and her tits to rise to the top ranks of spaghetti-eating record-breakers
Annie Fall - Woody Allen slapstick, with Diane Keaton negotiating various slippery terrain (banana skins, ice, scree etc)
The Cruel Pea
Tense WW2 drama set on an allotment
The Hurt Docker, A Stevedore's increasingly reckless behaviour puts threatens those around him.
Don't loop now. Donald Sutherland attempts to digitise his entire collection of c90 cassettes on a player with inadequately cleaned heads.
Flute - Jane Fonda's prostitute is embroiled in a murder mystery whilst Donald Sutherland woodwinds away in the supporting role of James Galway
Wave the Tiger - Jack Lemmon as a jaded salesman joins a senior cheerleading outfit with an AA Milne pom-pom theme going on
Bruising - Al Pacino's police detective goes undercover in the seedier gay scene....HANG ON...
This Shorting Life - a gruff Richard Harris goes around putting screwdrivers across the terminals of those rectangular 9V batteries to see what will happen
Sheepless in Seattle - Meg Ryan as a distraught Bo Peep
SMASH - the adventures of a dessicated potato - rehydrating is painless.
Allen - Allen travels into space and comes back again.
Never Say Lever Again - Sean Connery in dodgy remake, as a man with an irrational fear of fulcrums
Machele - Danny Trejo as a vengeful dyslexic hell-bent on tracking down that Pfeiffer woman.
Cocky - Sylvester Stallone as an upstart young street fighter who reckons he is a contender for....HANG ON...
Dank City - dystopian sci-fi in which Rufus Sewell gradually realises that he lives in Limerick
The Rig Lebowski - documentary about an offshore oil platform named in honour of a Coen Brothers classic
Baxi driver . a disgruntled heating engineer rigs a series of domestic heating explosions.
Tes, the touching tale of a young lad born t'pit who finds solace in an abandoned newspaper supplement advertising teaching jobs.
A matter of wife and death. David Niven finds that dying horribly in a crashed bomber is infinitely preferable to settling down with a woman.
Steed - Dennis Hopper plants a bomb under Patrick MacNee's horse
So Country for Old Men- Liberace plays Johnny Cash
G.I. Poe: The Rise of Cobra - Edgar Allen joins some elite super-agents to help sell violent toys
G.I. Doe: Retaliation - Jphn, the legendary lead singer of authentic punk band 'X', joins in.
Road Louse - Patrick Swayze is drafted in to a southern town to clear up all the trouble in the pest-control business
The Gropes of Wrath - Henry Fonda as an angry pervert
Cattle of the bulge - angry bulls frighten off Panzers
Heartbreak fridge - no beer left
Rattle of Britain - plucky heroes drive away the Luftwaffe armed only with baby toys
Nora Nora Nora - yorkshire woman with wrinkled tights takes on kamikaze pilots and wins
You have broken the rules twice, shame as they were good puns but have to be disqualified!
Blood Dimple - arty documentary montage of men with cute cheek recesses cutting themselves shaving
A Wimple Plan - Billy Bob Thornton and Bill Paxton find a crashed plane and hoard its cargo of convent supplies
The Punning Man, Arnie is a wrongly convicted man thrown into a cruel game of finding puns on a dystopian film related thread on UKC.
Roget and me, An exploration of the devastation wrought on a Michigan town when the Alternative Lexicography publishing industry shuts down.
Highgander - Scots male goose has bong-related mishaps
In the Game of the Father - Daniel Day-Lewis is shrunk to the size of a child's hand and used to stuff a pheasant that his dad shot.
A Loom With A View - Helena Bonham-Carter receives a sexual awakening whilst weaving in Florence
Confessions of a Dangerous Ming - The violent past of Sir Menzies Campbell is revealed in a series of to-camera monologues graphically detailing the grizzly murders he committed while training for the 1964 4x100m relay.
Cock Up - Stallone and Sutherland in a Carry-On style prison farce whose double entendres extend all the way to the title
21 Grans - An intense examination of death and passion in an extremely complex family.
Splendid. You know, I was looking at what was in my field of view, and my DVD of that film was in sight, and I could not think of anything.
This thread had me in stitches on the train on the way home today. Gold!
28 ways later - a tedious outing showing the crux moves of various supposed classics
The man who sued Bod. Farmer Barleymow finally takes the androgynous one to the high court over unpaid repeat royalties.
The Asphalt Bungle, A horror featuring a horrible accident involving the ursine member of Rainbow and an industrial road laying machine.
Hilly Elliot, Andy Cave biopic
Blue Vulvet, cyanosed genitalia from the warped mind of David Lynch.
Cig. A young Tom Hanks wishes he could buy Benson & hedges.
Natal attraction, Glen Close finds South Africa nice this time of year.
Done with the wind. Vivien Leigh ditches the all tuber diet.
Shallow Brave - revisionist biopic of legendary Native American hero Geronimo shows him to have been rather vacuous
Sean Connery mistakes Al Capone for Rudolph Nureyev.
I have "lolled" far more than on any other thread in years. It was only a whimsical late night thing, I expected it to be dead by dawn!
Its a wonderful wife. James Stewart finds no reason to live...whatsoever.
That's the best one so far :oD
Baws: 'You're gonna need a bigger pair of pants.'
Red Fadge of Courage: A war herione no-one dares mess with if the time isn't right.
The Man in the Shite Suit. A film about the sartorially challenged.
Mime Bandits: Silent dwarves
Woman in Bed: A more adult oriented sequel
Piss Firecracker - the Jackass crew REALLY outdo themselves in eye-watering stunt climax
The Fillers - Burt Lancaster film noir produced to keep audiences mildly interested between major releases....HANG ON...
In the heap of the night. Rod Steiger and Sidney Poitier discover that inadequately illuminated nocturnal wandering can necessitate a change of footwear.
Rune. Science fiction tripe from David Lynch aimed at new age travellers
Dung. Another pile of shite from David lynch.
Dine. David lynch's culinary efforts with worms and spice
Dane. Science fiction for Norsemen
Look whos Malking.
John Travolta loses the plot and goes on a Headbutting Spree in Glesca.
Day of the Cackal. A would be assassin can't shoot straight for laughing
Dour weddings and a funeral
A gritty remake
Bunny Face - charming Hepburn/Astaire rom-com about cosmetic surgery gone horribly awry
Glowers in the Attic - Virginia Andrews adaptation in which a woman hides her children in the loft and they pass the time with "staring out" competitions
I was pondering some Dune stuff but decided that I like the film too much :-)
The Wages of Gear - gritty French action-drama in which sweaty swarthy men must deliver some truckloads of cams, nuts and quickdraws
Clasp of the Titans - the fastening on Hera's handbag breaks, and all the other Greek gods have to deal with it
Carlito's Say - Al Pacino is holding the conch
The list of the mohicans - munro wasn't the first
My hair Lady.
Rex Harrison falls in Love with the bearded Lady From a Travelling Freak Show, and tries to woo her with song.
Ferris Buellers Gay Off
Ferris befriends Alan Carr, and on a night out tries his hardest to out camp him for a bet.
slight of the phoenix.
Dumbledore makes Ron weasleys Life at hogwarts a Misery after he overhears Ron say he thinks Fawkes is a bit rubbish.
Match of the Penguins. Penguins organise a 5 a side league, through the long Antarctic winter
dustin hoffman and tom cruise are aspiring male models who have a falling out and compete for a lucrative casino contract , with the amusing twist that one of them is ugly .
I'm surprised no one's mentioned the blockbuster Paws yet. Admittedly there was a bit of lull after the relative failure of Japs III - just how many terrifying movies can you make about beaches being invaded by Japanese tourists?
(For those who aren't movie buffs it's worth mentioning that the very unpolitically correct Jews was never released.)
Bin City - gritty drama about four characters coming to terms with the city council's move to fortnightly rubbish collections.
My left food. A moving tale of a man born with cerebral palsy whose eyes were bigger than his stomach
B for vendetta. A Spanish vigilante has difficulty spelling
Was horse, Spielberg tear-jerker about a young lad and his companion caught up in the horrors of the western front. This version has the alternative ending where Joey is on the receiving end of a salvo of graze-fused 5.9" high explosive shells.
Happy Feed, Disney schmaltz following the hunting adventures of a young leopard seal.
Shamu - you don't want to know what Michael Fassbender's doing to that whale..
200 Hotels, Zappa ups the budget.
Clint Eastwood stars as a mysterious Lone Cowboy, travelling the old west seeking the best bargains.
A-Men - a group of monks develop extraordinary abilities.
world weary cop Harrison ford Tracks down noddy holder and the rest of the band, after they Escape From an offworld music Crime Penal Colony. their greatest offence was merry Christmas.
Were you inside my brain on Sunday night? I pondered this one
world weary cop Harrison Ford Tracks down an escaped rogue simulant Gang selling counterfeit air Fresheners.
Paul Newman and Steve McQueen are Trapped in a Burning Sports sock factory. There only hope is to Reach the Dressing gown department.
Dye Hard. A tale of counter terrorism in the camouflage vest production department.
Pie Hard. A tale of counter terrorism set in the shady underworld of Wigans bare knuckle fighting scene.
001 Dalmatians - where Pongo was neutered and lived an uneventful bachelor life.
1960s teenbeat Combo wait for paternity results From a Baby born to a fertility Clinic patient where they were All Sperm donors.
Arnie must travel to mars Undercover to Retrieve a batch of music CDs that were released then subsequently found to be out of tune.
Gonk with the wind.
Small 1970s spiky haired Troll thing finds out that Spicy food doesnt agree with him. The resultant gases cause quite some upset, but he doesnt give a damn.
Shakespeare in Hove
A young Shakespeare, out of ideas and short of cash, goes to Brighton and is inspired to write one of his most famous plays.
West Side Store
Musical about two youngsters from rival New York supermarkets who fall in love.
RomoCop. Violent dystopian nonsense about a police state created to control a thankfully short-lived late 1990s sub-genre of BritPop
falsely Accused of killing a Rival Gang Leader, the Normally nervous worriers face an extra-Angst causing trip across new York to get Back to their own Turf pursued by Other Less Timid Gangs.
loolander. ardman production. walaces pals, who look vaguely like ben stiller and owen wilson , launch an ill fated space mission from thier mums shed. the final stage is made out of the outside dunny.
3000 piles to Graceland.
A Jaded rectal surgeon calculates how much more surgery he needs to perform before he can Finally Retire and Live his dream of visiting Elvis' home.
Cat on a hot tin poof.
One moggys Heatwave summer Spent Lounging on a metal statue of Stephen Fry.
Batty: I've heard things you people wouldn't believe. "So here it is .." Being played on Cassette tapes on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched Guitars glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain... Time to die.
The Seven Bear Itch - ursine family runs out of Cushelle and has to use that tracing paper stuff
"Mast and Furious"
Biopic of Ben Ainslie
From Dusk Till Zawn - an epic adventure about a couple of guys trying to find the ab for A Dream of White Horses as darkness falls.
Cuts in May.
Cameron and Osbourne go on a camping holiday in Dorset to plan Which hospitals to Close next Spring. While there, they are appalled by the behaviour of the Common Campers.
NB. Some film Reviewers have Pointed out there is an N missing From the films title.
The Spartans' chance of winning this one has thrice improved.
No One Knows About Persian Mats - A feature length documentary on the lesser known arts of small carpet production in the middle east.
Talkabout - Australian coming of age drama, with *lots* of dialogue
N - A predictable sequel
nuts in Jay.
Turns out stoners Jay and silent bob are more than hetero LifeMates after All.
The Lada Vanishes
Hitchcock remake of Dude, Where's My Car?
O - Next in the series
P - the franchise is getting a bit tired now
Lord of the Bings. One man's quest to master internet search engines
> The Lada Vanishes
> Hitchcock remake of Dude, Where's My Car?
Deserves a prize!
Wad Lieutenant - documenting Chris Sharma's early days in the police force.
Ali Quiet on the Western Front - Sacha Baron-Cohen, in character, tries to break the record for "Hide and Seek" during the First World War
Barley and me.
A touching yet Ultimately tragic Tale of a couple and their All Encompassing Love for their best Friend, Gold label.
Two Mutes for Sister Sara - Clint Eastwood fetches a brace of swan for a nun
Groundhog Hay - Bedding for rodents
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mine - avant guard examination of glare from buried ordnance
Bare - Naked talking pigs
The band that Time forgot.
Doug McClure gets Frustrated that the Beatles and Rolling stones got Nearly All the attention in the 1960s, when the small faces were way Better than either of them. He sets out to right this wrong.
At the earths bore.
Doug McClure visits Jeremy Clarkson, Sits down for a chat with him, and regrets it.
Batman and Ronin - Fed up with his useless sidekick, the caped crusader enlists some real help
Days of Chunder.
The fast food Concession at a car Race Track Turns out to have been Less than Hygienic.
Cliff Richard and his pals drive a bus around Europe.
Reservoir Mogs - starring cats instead of dogs.
B for Vendetta - dyslexic anarchy.
12½ hours - man stupidly cuts off his hand after being trapped almost all day.
Jack the Giant Biller - young boy gets a new job for Scottish Power.
Dr Why - why did they make it?
Shallow Gravy - a culinary thriller
Salmon fishing in the semen.... don't go there
Along Came Molly.
A terminally depressed man who thought he would never Laugh again finds his Humour and a reason to Live after watching old Episodes of are you being served, Especially the Ribald jokes about Mrs Slocums pussy.
done that one 7;^)
Dude, Where's My Cag? - A downbeat tale of a climber arriving at the CIC Hut who should have spent more time packing the night before.
The 39 stops.
Eastern European slice of everyday Life Drama following a low level civil servant on his Tedious bus Journey to work everyday for a week.
RatMan - a superhero adopts the guise of a rat in an attempt to get a job as a lawyer.
Night of The Living Mead.
A brewing experiment goes badly wrong, resulting in sapient Christmas Mead flowing evilly around the landscape devouring revellers.
Return of the Living Mead...
Despite being attacked (as we thought killed) with mince pies and Christmas pud, IT RETURNS...
The Prisoner of Zelda.
Nintendo game character cant cope with playing Second Fiddle to a fat plumber with a gay biker moustache any Longer. Zelda goes Crazy f*cking apeshit, Takes Mario hostage.
The Thong. Kurt Russell's undercrackers turn nasty
Was that the sequel to 127 Hoes?
Grevity, space epic that doesn't go on for as long as you think.
The wino that shakes the barley. A poignant study of one gentleman of the road and his involuntary agitation of his can of gold label.
Once were worriers, life for indigenous New Zealanders is found to be less stressful than previously.
Hobocop. "Dead or alive you're coming with me..cos yur my breshtest mate..av yur got change fer a cuppa tea?"
Sowfinger. Eddie Murphy unwittingly stars as Kermit's central digit.
Damn. My first mistake. Have this one instead then:
1960s Italian American Teenage Gang who spend all their Time pondering the Nature of reality.
(as an aside, I think I'd like to see such a film!)
Barn Free - ...then they blag an oversized garden shed off Freecycle...
Boon Free - ....before releasing Michael Elphick into the wild. In a lion suit or something. I don't know.
Virginia McKenna Reveals she used used to be a man.
Done with the wind.
Fed up with Clark gables rancid non stop trumping, Vivien Leigh tells him to either Take wind-eze tablets or its over between them. The question is, does Clark give a damn?
Close encounters of the third wind. Jack Nicolson is finally released from the cuckoo nest as due to government cut backs the facility is shut down. But all the meds they have given him gave him untreatable and incredible flatulence plus the nice head job that he had means that he's completely lost the plot and believes he can fart under such control that he can use it as a propulsion system and fly dressed in a purple cat suit, psychedelic green tinted Y fronts, and a pink cape, like a deranged version of super man, to save the world from the little green men which he thinks secretly control the major world leaders like puppets from their secret underground base at the south pole.
Moonbaker - James Bond decides to take on the Chinese in the race to develop the lunar employment possibilities
Little known Joseph Conrad adaptation (of "Heart of Mardi Gras") - searching for Marlon Brando in the Conga.
Hazel O Conner Suffers a Severe phobia of glass. This makes her Life difficult, and Leads to a fight with the National Glaziers Front.
Fart and Furious. Vin diesel gets really angry when michelle rodriguez fails to wind down the window
Blinging up Baby.
Katharine Hepburn and Cary Grant have a Baby in this Hilarious classic comedy. They think the Prams available are a bit tawdry, so they call up their Homeboy Tim Westwood, who comes to their crib, and Seriously pimps their Babys Ride.
Hit Girl Friday - Chloe Grace-Moretz swears a lot while eating a Crunchie
After gotta get through this Turned out to be a one hit wonder and not the Launch into music superstardom he had hoped, Dane Bowers Turns his Hand to various self employed Trades with disastrous consequences, each one more farcical and hilarious than the last.
Way out Vest.
Laurel and hardy Travel through the old West Looking for work. First town they come to Ollie buys a multi Coloured tie dyed day glo Upper body Undergarment. Stan cant believe how bright it is and Spends the whole film fixated on it.
Arive. The disappointingly tedious tale of a Chilean Rugby Team on a transandean flight facing upto the grim realities of airline meals, baggage claim and customs.
The Mosquito Roast - more Harrison Ford chef shenanigans in South America
Live Easy Pieces - disillusioned Jack Nicholson stroppily plays piano with no recorded back-up
Runger - Bobby Sands is put to work assembling ladders
Clear and Present Ranger, A secret service agents fears about his national park guide being both inarticulate and absent prove unfounded
Django Unchaired - The music stops and Jamie Foxx is eliminated from the popular party game
Taint your Wagon.
Lee Marvin and Clint Eastwood set off in their old West covered wagon for a Piece of the gold Rush action. They get shunned wherever they go and wonder why. Then Lee realises they have been Using a bear grylls branded wagon cover that Clint bought From a sale at go outdoors.
Branson, Tom Hardy is compelling as the UK's most violent balloon bothering entrepreneur.
Body of fries, well Leonardo has filled out a bit, can't deny that.
Full metal racket
R.Lemmy and Matthew iron maidine star in brutal depiction of the casual brutality and humiliation meted out to a first timer at Monsters of Rock
The Mild Bunch -A gang of ageing outlaws plan a heist at Bank's brewery
The Pukes of Hazzard. Bo and Luke get carsick.
Bring me the Herd of Alfredo Garcia - the brutal hunt to find the prized freisans of an artisan hispanic cowherd.
Straw Dons - In deepest Cornwall, Dustin Hoffman attempts to protect his wife from rural academic rapists.
Touching my void...
> Touching my void...
You haven't got the hang of the 'change one letter' rule have you?
Dive. Kevin kline uses his remarkable resemblance to Tom Daley to get into sigourney weaver's knickers
Mullets Over Broadway - A playwright has to cast Chris Waddle & Rudi Voller in order to get his show produced
Conboy - Truck driver Kris Kristofferson reminisces about his misspent youth as an expert swindler
The Wetaway - Steve McQueen invents an ultra-absorbent kitchen towel and Ali MacGraw comes up with a snappy brand name for it. Then everyone gets shot a bit.
Boonstruck - Michael Elphick buys a lorry
do we have a holiday for you? stay at our hi tech holiday resort and Interact with fully Lifelike robots Dressed in upper body Undergarments From a Period of your Choice. what could Possibly go wrong?
Nothing Hill - Hugh Grant works in a bookshop; nobody remotely interesting comes in, nothing happens.
Die herd. bruce willis assists in wiping out the buffalo
Dig Hard. - then buries them
Bing of Bright Water - Crosby, Hope & Lamour take the road to northwest Scotland with an otter
Dull - the prequel to Spielberg's classic thriller, set the day before.
I think you have just invented a new variant of this game, in which one has to change one letter in the blurb as well.
BTW, I haven't laughed so much with a UKC thread as this, for a long time. Correction: ever.
Here's one where the title says it all:
Play Missy for Me
Niall Grimes takes us on a journey through the history and routes of gritstone climbing with some of the larger members of the climbing community.
The Devil Wears Prana -- Auld Nick is climbing fashionably
The Fridges of Madison County -- sentimental white goods nonsense
Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hype -- More shameless merchandising
Under Silkwood - A plucky local exposes malpractice at Wylfa power station
Star Wars Episode IV: A New Rope
Someone finally strings up Jarjar Binks and everyone celebrates.
Star Wars Episode IV: A New HAPE
Anakin Skywalker suffers complications as a result of high altitude mountaineering and spends the whole film on supplementary oxygen being wheezy and irritable.
A Van for All Seasons....Limo Porn, for the dirtbag climber.
Sexy Boast - A couple of old porn stars meet up on the Costa Crime for a chat about the old days.
Saxy Beast - A retired jazz sax player is called back to do one last gig by an excessively aggressive promoter.
A fistful of collars - Clint Eastwood takes on the case of the extortionist dry cleaners
Don't Book Now - Donald Sutherland thinks of taking Julie Christie for a dirty weekend in Venice but decides to wait for a cheaper flight on Ryanair
Ray Winstone and that Fella From Ghandi eat food seductively in Spain.
Requires a strong stomach
Dirty Larry......film about an ex soap star.
True Grime -Clint teams up with Aggie and Kim
The Man Who Would Be Bing - Documentary about recording The Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth where David Bowie reveals that he wishes he'd been Mr Crosby
Demons posess a small female child and force her to go running.
Six and the Single Girl...Snow White dumps Dopey, who just doesn't tickle her fancy.
That is a horror film 7:^(
27 Drosses - torture porn in which Isla Fisher and Katherine Heigl are forced to watch their collective back catalogue of formulaic chick flicks
When Harry Met Wally - Somehow a nerdy bloke in a stripey jumper & bobble hat faking an orgasm just isn't so cute
When Harry Wet Sally - synopsis censored
When Harry meat Sally - synopsis doubly censored
Broke the rules!
Really - why?
Spiral Tap - Engineering instructional film on how to manufacture an internal thread
(is this a million miles away from that Charlotte Rampling film Max mon Amour?)
Swimming Fool - Adam Sandler as a soft dessert in a sultry French melodrama
You ADDED a letter instead of CHANGING a letter.
When Harry Bet Sally, he could produce a 'cushion orgasmatron'
Okay - When Harry let Sally!
Into the Sild, Jon Krakaur adaptation about a young man who gives it all up for tinned fish.
Once upon a time in the test. Slaughter,greed,vengeance and cake in this tale of Aggers, Blowers and Jonners.
Grading Places, Eddie Murphy and Dan Ackroyd swap places and onsight Three Pebble Slab, despite beta from Jamie Leigh Curtiss they still can't agree if it gets HVS or E1
The Slimmer - Burt Lancaster finds that lots of swimming is good for the figure
Erasermead - somewhere in the west country a drink is being brewed from honey that causes amnesia and possibly death.
Flapshot - Paul Newman ditches ice hockey for porn.
Dragnut - Some crotch chafing ensues when Dan Akroyd does the goat pants dance.
Cragnet - the safest climbing film ever...
Forgo -A movie about abstinence from the Coen brothers.
Allen - Gay beatnik poet bursts out of John Hurt's chest and kills a spaceship's crew, all set to an annoying free jazz soundtrack.
I.T. - Charming story of a small boy's relationship with an alien that has the power to heal people by turning them off and back on again.
Forrest Gimp - Tom Hanks expertly avoids going 'full retard' (see: Tropic Thunder) playing a slow, sweet man who lives in a box in someone's basement.
Bone with the Wind.....a spot of al fresco bonking in the Deep South.
Filling Down. A man lashes out at the injustices of society after a long hard day at the RAB jacket factory.
Forrest Hump -- another of those dodgy porn movies
Jurassic Pork -- that bacon has been in the fridge too long
The Meaning of Liff -- Was even adapted into a book!
Tor Gun. Maverick discovers a natural talent for climbing free-standing masses of rock very quickly.
Frodo finds his Southfarthing Leaf cut with SKAG...
Do Strangelove -- I've never seen it, honestly
Harry Potter and the Half-blond Prince -- Harry mumbles and gets his bleaching spell wrong.
Gone with the Wand -- Overlong, self indulgent, Harry Potter Georgian plantation nonsense.
Deep Threat - Linda Lovelace gets very cross if things don't measure up to her expectations
Schindler has a list of people he intends to fist...
Dawn of the Deaf - lots of people wandering around in a store shouting "What?" and "Huh?" and "Did you say something?".
Gone with the wine - Scarlet gives up on Rhett and spends her evenings getting pissed.
A fist full of collars - Clint the dogwarden goes after a record number of strays in a single day.
Watershit down - a history of the sewer systems.
The Italian Cob - a bit corny, but sweet none the less...
Rear Widow - lonely 60's something willing to do anything to make new friends
Rubin Hood- lesbian porn flick
When Scooby turns bad...
Gregory's Giro. Gregory finds it hard to woo the girl of his dreams whilst on the dole.
The Jungle Cook - Mowgli's exploration into how his friends taste.
The Running Ban - Health and Safety gone MAD!
A Wonderful Wife- a blokes quest for sex BEFORE BED TIME
Last Mango in Paris - the real story behind the revolution
I.T. - a bunch of nerds call their mums
Sorry if it's been done.
The Beerhunter- a mans quest for beer
National Vulvet - showing how far some people will go to avoid the tax man
This one probably has as well
Mingin' in the rain - just a typical night out in Newcastle
As is Strangers on a drain
Local Nero - next door neighbour kills his mother then fiddles (at the ceilidh) as the house burns down
The Long Piss Goodnight - Samuel L Jackson's evening routine disrupted by prostate troubles
The Englishman who went up a pill but came down a mountain - story of drug taking in Wales.
And again! Strewth!
Skidulthood - it's a shit story really...
Sighlander - Armstrong and Aldrin breathe out with relief as Apollo 11 touches down.
Glengarry Glen Toss - Alec Baldwin forces a bunch of hapless real-estate salesmen to compete with each other in a pancake-making competion
Change a single letter. Don't add one, or change more than one, or remove one.
Otherwise it would just be chaos. And a bit too easy.
The Evil Deal.
Dramatisation of how the condem coalition came to Power.
Twit Town, a once prosperous Northern town has a experimental 3D TV signal that is too strong, which turns the whole area into idiots, Brad pit is leader of the retards, and even the plot is plotless as all they do is call each other names like mong-legs
Enemy Fine - Louis Gossett Jr. in an alien lizard suit gets a job as a traffic warden and clamps Dennis Quaid's car. A battle of wills ensues
Whistle down the wand, Hardcore porn movie where Keanu Reaves plays his usual wooden self as Jesus and Traci Lords is Mary Magdalene, The Jews get so hacked of with their constant f*cking and sucking, that the obvious and troubling snuff ending takes place.
Scottish dub Version.
Pighlander- a Scots quest for immortality by eating lots of pies
Where Bagles dare.
Richard Burton and Clint Eastwood open a Bagle Shop next to schloss adler in Germany. People say itll Never work, but they Risk everything for their bakery.
Rod Roy- period Scottish porn
Tom Hanks gets Stranded on a desert Island, with Nobody but his Sister for company. Over Time he finds her increasingly sexually desirable.
Alien Notion, Danny Dyer smokes too much plant food and has a strange dream which makes him believe he came from Planet Meekong, he won't stop till he finds the truth.
V, Billy Casper's love child has a lack of respect for the Police state he finds himself in and keeps telling officer dribble to do one.
I changed the letter V to V
Jonathon Ross does the DVD Commentary for Trainspotting.
The zeros of Telemark, Ewan McGregor plays a legendary freeheal skibum who comes home after 22 back to back ski seasons as his knees are shot to find he can't find a job.
The 39 Sheps - hapless John Noakes gets involved in dog cloning disaster
Ronnie and Clyde - snooker champ O'Sullivan takes on his first acting role alongside a comedy orang-utan, on a Depression-era shooting spree
Cate Fear - Behind-the-scenes documentary showing a tattooed and beefed-up Robert DeNiro violently refusing to take a role in Scorsese's "The Aviator" and finally admitting to a phobia of that Blanchett women
oldgoy. tom cruise seeks vengance after he awakes to find out hes been imprisoned by dustin hoffman for 15 years because..er..he made him count cards in a casino
The Read Zone - Stephen King adaptation in which Christopher Walken has funny feelings of déja-vu in a second-hand book store
The Staid - Stephen King adaptation in which a band of survivors keep a stiff upper lip and refuse to stoop to hysterics despite the oncoming plague or whatever it was.
Cainman, Robbie Coltrane plays a genius memory man, who can remember the whole phone book and makes his money entertaining tourists around Blackpool pubs, but he has a hidden secret, he's doing it all to feed an ever escalating drug habit.
Bin City. black comedy based on true story of a group of redundant sheffield miners who become bin men to meet ends meet. several of them end up in chamonix and make there fortunes recycling the empty wine and champagne bottles of the stars and become known as the bin men.
Catch, Camp Surreal comedy, Brian Blessed plays Jeff Boycott, who is suspected of assault and the undercover cops put a surveillance team on him Cameron Diaz leads the team and decides to set up a sting operation.
sn does not equal c
Far From the Wadding Crowd... Country retreat for climbers, bored with the Primaloft Zealots.
World War R. A UN employee travels the world attempting to stop the Pirate apocalypse.
Vanilla Ska. After a car crash a publisher discovers a love of late 50s Jamaican music.
World War E. A UN employee travels the world battling manic Yorkshiremen.
The Flu. A scientist ends up having a few duvet days after a mishap with a teleportation device.
John Farter, ex civil war vet finds a secret portal which he falls through where he goes to mars, on mars where due the difference in gravity, he's a super hero, then he gets the girl, kills the baddies, and saves the entire planet!
after this he gets back to earth and tells his story but everyone says he's full of shit, so with what he learned on mars he designs a system to create power and in every house builds a unit when shit is not flushed down the toilet to eventually end up in the ogin, but it is converted into energy with his runyourhouseonshitdeisgns.
Lock Spock and Two smoking Barrels.
Pointy eared Member of the star trek crew finds himself in a comedy east end gangster film following a Transporter room malfunction.
Rack to the Future, Spaced out PHD drop out underground scientist Jetwad Jones, makes young upcoming trad climber (named by his parents in the style of the Beckhams) Flying Buttress Smith, as he was conceived on top of the outcrop one summers night. A virtual rack that he could think where to put the gear and would fit, a bit like inspector gadget. And by the age of 13 he's at the top of the sport. This starts a new wave in development however there is a down side as some of the virtual racks destroy established routes. Jetwad and Flying Buttress have to go on the run, as a hate mob assembles.
The Lime machine.
Pat edLinger biog.
Crimps of the Heart.
Diane Keaton, Jessica Lange, and Sissy Spacek set out to master the art of one Type of Climbing hold. This Quest becomes their All consuming passion.
The nightmart before Christmas.
One Spar store Decides to stay open all night in the run up to the festive season. Not much happens. A study of ennui.
The Dull Monty. When the foundry closes, a bunch of now ex-steelworkers find life on the dole pretty boring.
Do the tight thing. Spike Lee's gritty exploration of felinophillia.
Saturday night sever, Dance, Disco and traumatic amputation.
Rack to the future 2, now the technology is out there, the clock cannot be wound back, and many others try and reverse engineer the virtual rack for personal gain. Jetwad understands that the world has changed and from hiding with the Help of Flying Buttress they start work on a time machine to jump to a time before to restore the balance. However they jump to a parallel universe where the grit quarrying has never even taken place as Sheffield and Millstone don't exist and no ones has even heard of trad.
Match 22. Football epic, To play on the squad with all the attendent dangers of rain, hamstring injury, it being a bit parky and public humiliation you need to be sane. To not want to play on the squad and spend your time lucratively endorsing footwear, haircare products and Xbox games is quite reasonable and therefore you must be sane. So you play.. In the rain.
W*A*S*H An army medical unit in the Korean war update their anti-infection protocols.
Holiday on the Muses - Blakey, Butler and co go on a summer school in Athens to study classical greek drama
Enema of the State -- You already know they are watching and following you. Now you know what will happen when they catch you.
Fan's Labyrinth -- Creepy horror as a top celebrity gets lured into a stalkers maze.
The Verminator -- 1990's thriller as Arnie makes his way through all the V-grades at Hueco Tanks.
Kick Ass -- somebody ruder than me should get to work on this one, there are lots of unpleasant possibilities.
Kick Asp - high-school kid decides to grant himself the fake "superpower" of being able to boot some snakes
True Grid: John Wayne adjusts his compass and heads North...
Arnie. Musical in which Little red headed body building orphan sings " damorow damorow I larve you damorow"
Henry, portrait of a serial miller. Biopic, After a life on the road Mr. Rollins settles into a rustic watermill to repeatedly grind oats, wheat maize and corn to powder.
Holiday on the Busts - Blakey, Butler and co go on another summer school in Athens to study classical greek sculpture
Some kind of Munster. guitarist james hetfield shows everyone the bolts in his neck
Bold Mountain - There's a washing powder surplus in the EC
Chicken Bun - What are the subtle differences between the eleven varieties of chicken burger on the Macdonalds menu
Thicken Run - Documentary on the history of Imodium
Miss Congeliality. Sandra Bullock acts all stuck up.
Little Mass Sunshine - Explains how our sun is much less bright than Betelgeuse
Len. Dudley Moore finds strictly judges braided hair perfectly sexy.
Light at the museum. Nightwatchman has a torch shocker.
Is that the one where Len gives Dudley seven?
technically a rule break butI think it's worth it.
The birdban of alcatraz. No climbing on the rock.
Tarzan the Ale Man - Tarzan necks 15 pints at his local and does a new jungle call down the big white telephone
Ice Cold in Aled. Expose of what really went on off set during the filming of The Snowman. All that was left in the morning was a little puddle.
Yes, I'll make an exception for that :-)
Turn after Reading. Coen Bros film about George Clooney and John Malkovich being given barely adequate directions to Bracknell from Newbury.
I was thinking more along the lines of changing the first K for a D, an L or a P.
The Full Minty -- Polo mints get their holes filled in.
The PooPosition. 3 brothers, one must squat, one must sit, one must decide.
Jessica Lange marvels at Rod Steigers performance in the classic 1979 musical...
All that jizz.
barley and me. the heart wrenching tale of one dogs, a collie cross, descent into hobknob addiction.
Roy Scheider not Rod Steiger!
Which reminds me:
The Illustrated Mat - Rod Steiger tells a lot of amazing flashback stories based upon various doormat designs
Dang slipping... Too many half baked ideas going round. Mime bandits, Titzcorraldo etc
My Oscars so far;
Salmon fishing in the semen.
The Lada vanishes.
All of which have caused inappropriately timed bursts of giggles, was walking round town yesterday morning chuckling dementedly. Best thread for about a decade.
Witless - Harrison Ford IS Norman Wisdom
28 Rays - tiresome Dave Gorman rubbish, in which Justin Lee Collins tries to gather up lots of celebrities called Ray but gets a bit stuck after Messrs. Wise, Romano and Lamontagne tell him to get stuffed, and Bradbury and Charles turn out to be dead.
I admit to some pride, I only started it on an insomniac whim, didn't expect 125 posts PER DAY!
This might have to be my last, but I think it's a good one,
ONCE up on a time in the vest.
Major tour de France competitor team find them selves chronologically advantaged by wearing the maillot jaune.
Story of A
Hook of Eli
Morgan Freeman plays a world weary fisherman who casts his line hoping to catch the great zander locally know as Satan.
The Bicker Man-Edward Woodwood spends several hours whinging about Christopher Lee's increasingly desperate attempts to get him into the basket.
Dirty Lancing, Patsy Kensit plays a smack heed mother who wants to lance her daughters boil with her used needles, but baby refuse to go into the corner....
Lovely Bonos - An elderly female U2 fan clones their annoying diminutive lead singer; african children are terrified in case all the Bonos start clapping
Winnie the poor - in which a stuffed bear invests unwisely in the honey market days before the crash
the tugger movie - in which stuffed animals take up masturbation
Curry On Camping - Gourmet outdoor cooking
Butch Cassidy and the Sandance Kid - Classic western starring Wilson, Kepple & Betty
The Vitali Klitschko story
The botanicals battle it, will London or Plymouth reign supreme?
Ocsar nominated performance from Cher as the committed mother of a boy from Princetown living the eponymous shadow
It's high-octane croquet fun all the way in this Errol Flynn classic. The sheriff of Nottingham never expected to be confronted by a band of merry men armed with croquet mallets.
In the loot:
Satirical comedy exploring US and UK interests in going to war in the Middle East. Oh, hang on that's the same as the original.
Band reformation is more challenging in advancing years.
A Knights Talc -- Long before there was joggers nipple, knights suffered from jousters nipple.
Mend it Like Beckham -- The tousled-hair England hero impresses a bunch of old grannies at a sewing bee.
The Cambusters -- Climbing Commandos sabotage the prototype of the elite Nazi mountain troops secret weapon.
Schindler's Lust -- More of that low budget, low humour porn.
Nearly passed the 552 replies that "What does bump mean?" has.....
Harry on Cruising -- The fourth-in-line to the throne trys out the gay scene.
Curry on Dick -- Hurts so bad, especially if it is both kinds of hot.
Triffic. Rodney Trotters nice little earner drug deal sees laughs a plenty as aided by Del boy, Trigger and Denzil he takes on Mexican drugs cartels.
Dig day afternoon. Time team 24hr challenge enters its second half.
The Day of the Triffics - Sara Crowe of those mid-90s Philadelphia cheese ads takes on the entire cast of Only Fools and Horses singlehandedly in a "They Shoot Horses, Don't They?" style epic 24-hour "say 'triffic' at each other"-athon
A Man Balled Horse - quite possibly a real 70s porn spoof of Richard Harris' Native American ding dang doo
Satman - documentary about Timothy Leary's ashes being blasted into a low Earth orbit
Natal Attraction - South African tourist board promotional film
Par Horse - A seemingly worthless old nag overcomes fistulous withers and goes on to win the US Masters.
Die Hird -Alan Rickman sabotages Thora's Stannah stair lift; can Bruce save her before she needs to go upstairs to use the lavvy?
Cattle Royale - Only one Kobe heifer can leave the island alive.
Iran Man. Binyamin Netanyahu builds a suit of uranium and fights evil.
she crow . comedy sequel to the crow, which, you have to admit, was somewhat dark. anyway there laughs a plenty when julia roberts comes back from the dead after..er...being killed and befriends a potty mouthed ventriloquist dummy crow who seeks vengence on her former owners drug dealing second cousin.
Prince of Persil -- Middle eastern historical thriller in nicely laundered shirts.
Marx Attacks -- Communist with big ugly brains tell everyone We come in peace"
Ditty Harry - a Musical about a Psycho Cop
Baws - A sleepy New England Seaside Resort is terrorised by giant killer Glaswegian Testicles
Nobraska. Set in the early 70s, a feminist self help group discover Jamaican music.
What's Eating Gilbert Drape - animated caper in which a young Leo DiCaprio voices a spazzy detective moth investigating some mysterious holes in athe Gilbert half of a Gilbert-and-George designed pair of curtains.
Shutted Island - dictionary caper in which a grown-up Leo DiCaprio plays a troubled detective investigating some awful grammar
Parkys. 1950s Yorkshire youths try to lose their virginities, by visiting the local affiliated WMC. In Tyke, with subtitles.
The Naked Bungle - sexually-repressed plantation heir Charlton Heston ignores the charms of Eleanor Parker when he sees the characters from Rainbow do some confusing swimming-pool thing in which the man who usually just wears a bear suit puts trunks on over the bear suit when visiting the local baths. Then gets "changed" afterward, which basically just leaves a bare bear
Trying hard to give this thread up...unsuccessfully;
Winocchio. Disney sequal, the boy grew up, parts for proboscisically extended wooden untruth tellers dried up, the bottle was hit.
High Toon. Gary Cooper is the supplier of choice for Newcastle's chemical aficionados.
Might Club. Brad Pitts worthy portrayal of a Canadian baby seal hunter having moments of doubt.
Saving Primate Ryan. War epic, Tom Hanks seeks the missing link.
Meminto. Guy Pierce has amnesia but not halitosis.
Minding Nemo. Dad looks after son, son does not get tempted by ' the drop off' and stays close by. They go home and have tea.
Howl's mooing castle. Medievel fortified building cattle rustling antics are compromised by inadequate sound proofing.
The Traduate. Dustin Hoffman wobbles his way up Grotto Slab with a rack borrowed from Anne Bancroft.
The Lizard of Oz. Judy Garland tastes fresh Goanna and advises the tin woodman 'you can live on it but it tastes like shit'
Charlie Wilson's Far - Tom Hanks plays a boozy womanising minor senator who flies to Tonga.
Needs some work.
Safety Lass. Because his films were silent Harold Lloyd's broad Lancashire accent is largely lost to history. When asked by a young female reporter what his priority was when climbing clocks his reply became the films title.
Transfarmers. Sci fi meets agrarian gender confusion.
Meat the Fokkers - On a trip to a local sausage factory the entire Fokker family 'fall' in to an industrial meat grinder... Or were they pushed? Local detective has dilemma over weather to investigate or not as they did make some really annoying films.
Slades of glory.
Noddy Holder and the guy with tombstone teeth and a fierce Fringe From slade have an acrimonious falling out over a skating contest they both entered. They then have to skate as a pair against the Bay City Rollers, etc.
The ming and i.
Yul Brinner tries to woo Deborah Kerr, only to be thwarted every Time she comes Round for Dinner by an Unholy vomit inducing Stench Kicking up From his plumbing system.
Pates of Glory. Kirk Douglas fights military injustice armed only with the lawyers mind and some sublime foie gras.
The wild wild vest.
Disappointing will smith film (arent they all?), where a will buys a vest From a haggard Tramp in the old west to keep him warm. The vest is Crawling with Lice fleas Crabs and all Manner of unmentionables. Cue much Parasitical Banal Humour.
Mad max: beyond chunder dome.
Mel Gibson and Tina Turner visit their local cinedome to Experience their first ever film in Imax 3D. They soon realise that the overly Large screen and Nauseating 3D effects not only detract From the film, but make you want to Chuck up your dinner. Afterwards they vow to only see films Properly in 2D in future.
Ps cant this thread be moved to the culture bunker to save it for Posterity?
Mandela: Long Wank to Freedom
An imprisoned freedom fighter escapes in a vehicle powered solely by masturbation.
The Sages of Fear.
Dr. David Spiegelhalter, Winton professor of the Public understanding of risk and his colleagues get their own biopic.
> Mandela: Long Wank to Freedom
> An imprisoned freedom fighter escapes in a vehicle powered solely by masturbation.
Funny, and topical.
The Filth Element
Bruce Willis is a garbageman whilst Milla Jovovich takes her clothes off repeatedly
The Outlaw Josey Walks
Someone steals Clint Eastwoods horse, and he has to pursue them on foot
The IPCRESS Bile
Scientists are captured by foreign agents and are made to feel sick to their stomachs
Uma Thurman goes to Scotland in search of the haggis that gave her food poisoning at her wedding
A baby robot is sent back from the future to replace Sarah Connor's baby
Jenny Agutter is abandoned in the Australian outback, and was about to go off with an aborigine, but suddenly changes her mind
Drag me to Hull.
Alison Lohman doesnt want to visit the city of culture, and has to be Taken there Under duress.
In this happier less Traumatic Version, instead of dying, the Nice girl Spider falls in Love with a Lovely boy spider, and All the Other animals enjoy their wedding.
Ike Cold in Alex - Dwight Eisenhower turns inexplicably frigid DURING intercourse with River Song actress
James and the giant Reach.
Young Orphan James Becomes the greatest Climber in the world when he manages to Lank every move there is thanks to his Abnormally huge ape Index.
Needs pruning doesn't it. It was late, sorry.
Request to move this it Culture Bunker has been sent to our overlords
James the giant Pearson is it?
Glue Velvet - Dennis Hopper steals all the thread from a dressmaker's store, but wholesome Kyle MacLachlan and Laura Dern save the day with some pots of No More Nails
Drag Me to Help - Alison Lohman doesn't want to go to therapy, and has to be taken there under duress
Help Drivers - gritty portrait of post-war itinerant blue-collar life, featuring Stanley Baker and Patrick MacGoohan as rival AA patrolmen
The Devil Rides Nut - dubious Satanic porn in which Lucifer pleasures himself with a mentally deranged lady
Swimming With Sparks. Similar idea, but as well as the characters from Rainbow, the flamboyant glam rock band are also present.
enter she dragon. ang lee s latest martial arts epic features spike lee, tommy lee , lee marvin and lee majors as a group of miscast shaolin monks on the trail of julia roberts equally miscast tibetan fighting nun and the baby she is protecting from them.
I don't get it :-/ it has the trademarks of a johnj post :-)
Night of the Giving Dead - - - Zombies pace the streets of London dressed as the Salvation Army.
The Man Who Shit Liberty Valance - - - Interesting Western Zombie cannibal flick
The Jizz Singer - - - Talkie version of Come Dancing.
Its a Mad Mad Mad Sad World.
Complete fantasy where retarded 'reality' TV stars are feted as role models and their inability to divide 14 by 2 and tell the time are regarded as endearingly amusing, and not a national humiliation, embarassment, disgrace and proof positive of a collective failure of the education system in the same week that the OECD report shows the UK slipping down the rankings in literacy numeracy and science in an age where those without skills are significantly disadvantaged. Like I said complete fantasy, stars Spencer Tracey as Joey Essex and Ethel Merman as Helen Flanagan.
Million Dollar Raby - They want 1.5 million quid for a nice castle in Co. Durham, but with lessons learned from old Clint and Morgan, Hilary Swank manages to knock them down
Lord of the dings.
Plucky unemployed hairy toed midget starts small business doing car body paintless dent Removal with one of them suction gadgets.
Salmon fishing in semen..... the sequel is even more of a challenge for our visionary shake!!
Dirty Barry - Barry hasn't had a bath for a while, a killer holds the city to ransom until he does
Magnum Farce - Barry slips over on an ice cream whilst trying to stop a rogue cop who is killing criminals
Sodden Impact - Barry thwacks people with a wet towel, enraged at being suspended from duty
The Enforced - Barry has to have another shower in order to defeat a terrorist organisation
The Deaf Pool - Barry has to use sign language to warn celebrities to get out of the swimming pool so he can get in
The Maltose Falcon - - - Noir version of Kes sees bird slump into alcohol abuse.
Fiddler on the poof.
Nigel Kennedy Narrates this Docu-Drama charting the Life of Liberace.
Two dogs and a cat get lost in Ikea.
The Titfeeled Thunderbolt. Saucy 50s comedy featuring a serial groper on a threatened branch line.
A Fish Called Panda. Black and white remake.
Shaun of the Deaf - Silent film about zombies. Will Simon Pegg be able to tell if the jukebox is switched on in the Winchester Arms?
Bot Fuzz - Sent away from the city he polices, Simon pegg is amazed at just how different things really are in a small country town
The World's Eno - Simon Pegg goes on a pub crawl and stops an invasion of minimalist ambient musicians that started some 20 years previously
Pail - Simon Pegg finds an alien in a bucket and helps it escape
Things to do in Denver when youre Head.
Anthony Head Takes a break From helping Buffy and using coffee as an excuse to chat up posh birds, and Takes a holiday in Colorado. Sadly, it Turns out a bit Boring, and he has to try and find something Interesting to visit.
The Hoist. Low budget sequel to Vertical Limit. The high point of the action is when the second needs a bit of help on the crux.
Turn After Reading.
A businessman from Swindon with an important appointment in Guildford misses a crucial junction and ends up in Slough with hilarious consequences.
Angels with dirty feces - - - The Ambrosia may have turned. Humans get dumped on again.
Point bleak - a film about a gang of itinerant surfers fund an endless summer by robbing a russian bank and are sentanced to jail in a gulag in Norilsk.
Eager sanction - clint eastwood assassinates a man and then climbs the Eiger.
Tid - a rude film about a south african childrens toy that comes to life.
Into the Wold - a young mans search for personal destiny and isolation in the lincolnshire wolds.
Seeing we've had already had A Fish called Panda we ought to have
Kung Fu Wanda - Jamie Lee Curtis stars as a waitress in a noodle bar who inadvertently gets chosen to be the Dragon Warrior after John Cleese speaks fake Mandarin in an attempt to seduce her
J Am Legend - the follow up to I Am Legend
The Retains of the Day
Butler (Hopkins) nearly gets sacked by boss (Thompson)but she decides to keep him on as he's been so loyal. Butler develops constipation as result of the stress.
I'm Not Theme - Under the clunky tagline "Breaking down the fourth wall was never so meta", Bob Dylan rigorously denies being the main subject of arty Bob Dylan biopic
Vest of the Best - thrilling recreation of auction of footballing legend George's undergarments.
The Yeast - A Soviet tank crew gets lost in Afghanistan and succumbs to candidiasis. Puns aplenty, seeing as they are "The Russians"
Gird, Interrupted - Winona Ryder gets distracted whilst fastening her belt
Never Been Missed - Drew Barrymore returns from years lost in the wilderness, only to be disappointed that nobody had noticed she'd been gone
The Lunger - stylish 80s fare in which David Bowie and Catherine Deneuve perfect a singular fencing style
Dead Man Talking - the corpse of Sean Penn is used as a ventriloquist's dummy.
Raging Bill - Climbing documentary. Birkett is livid that Livesey stole a first ascent from under his nose.
The Green Cornet - brass instrument superhero shenanigans
The Botton Club - stylish Harlem-set drama about a group of friends who meet weekly to discuss the work of philosopher-boffin Alain
Soylent Greet - McDonalds' staff are trained to smile and say hello, whilst unwittingly serving up "beef" burgers of dubious provenance
A car racing story, centring around the rivalry between a friendly alien and an evil clown.
The Moonies. Typical Spielberg fare as some loveable and eccentric Korean cult followers search for the legendary treasure and attend mass weddings.
Independence Daz. What Alex Salmond uses to keep his shirts radiant.
Bambo - - - - A one deer war.
Willing Ariel. Tense recreation of the of the events leading up to Ariel Sgaron's endorsement of the Road Map for Peace.
(that's the four big washing powders covered! A very niche sub-genre!)
Bambo - - - - Love Comes To The Forest Folk . . along with an M-16.
Dull Durham. Baseball in Teeside fails to be as exciting as when Kevin Costner does it.
Goodbye, Mr. Chins - - - - - Teacher's obsession with pies overloads his heart.
Parton. George C Scott captures the essence of country legend Dolly and her legendary pair of pearl handled revolvers.
Never say lever again - - - - Bond confronts the creeping menace of American pronunciations.
<Help!.....I can't stop doing these !!>
We bought a poo. Scarlett Johansson is underwhelmed to say the least.
Later for Elephants. Biblical epic in which Noah tries to explain to Mrs. Noah that the animals should board in ascending order of size.
almost the best 10 films ever:
vertigu: to stop you falling from the top of the list.
citizen kant: meglamaniac philosopher dominates his trade
tokyo storm: the row over the plagiarised version
la regle du peu: the rules for a smaller film
sunrice (a song of two humans): murderous passion in the paddy fields
2002: great idea just a year late.
tie searchers: for those lost in fashion
pan with a movie camera: instructional film mistaken for classic.
the passion or Joan of Arc: you cant have your cake and eat it.
91/2 final version with VAT
apologies to the BFI and the OP deserves a medal for film services to UKC
Decent work Steve!
No Pay Out - Washington thriller in which Kevin Costner discovers that Soviet moles don't receive any financial compensation
Rook - Spielberg's messy adaptation of The Crow Road, starring Robin Williams
I'd like to state that this thread only got started because my charity-shop VHS copy of Wild At Heart was in my eyeline whilst bored and unable to sleep on Sunday night!
You got one for regle de jeu! Congrats.
The Hunger Dames - documentary about anorexia amongst the honoured British upper-class. Controversial for hidden-camera footage of a frazzled Judi Dench on a 3am Wagon-Wheel binge
Margo... Snooty English Bint, finds herself in Wintery N Dakota, chasing the bug eyed Steve Buscemi.
Bear Window. Yogi, and the Bruin bros, moon at Yosemite climbers from inside their vehicles.
He was rather, somewhat, peculiar in appearance and demeanour
The Elephant Mac - inventor James Dyson comes up with an ingenious solution to Dumbo's fear of rain
The Man Without a Lace - Mel Gibson invents Velcro shoe fastenings
The Man Without a Race - Michael Jackson biopic
I don't think "provenance" is the word I was after...oh well
The Lastest Indian in the World - more grammatical tomfoolery as Anthony Hopkins proves himself to be rubbish at motorbike time trials
The Cast of the Mohicans - dull straightforward puff-piece "making of" documentary featuring Daniel Day-Lewis, Madeline Stowe, Jodhi May and Wes Studi. And Steven Waddington.
Short Nuts - hilarious testicular deformation saga featuring Ben Stiller and a load of proper actors.
Housefitter - Goldie Hawn installs some kitchen and bathroom units in Steve Martin's abode
The Money Sit - Tom Hanks and Shelley Long make a sofa from banknotes
They Were Expandable - - - - - The U.S. Navy larking about with gussets.
Reservoir Cogs - scintillating documentary about the geartrains used to open sluice gates
Natal Attraction - - - - Zulus go back for one last dust up.
Married to the Mop - - - - Both bachelor days and dirty kitchens come to a sticky end.
From Rusk Till Dawn
George Clooney helps teethe some vampires overnight in Mexico
Clint Eastwood dances at the town store. Not for minors
Confessions of a Dangerous Wind
A game show host clandestinely assassinates for the CIA by farting
Gig Trouble in Little China
Kurt Russell has his stage show interrupted by a Chinese Magician
Coal Miner's Laughter - - - - - Somewhat insensitive treatment of a former prime ministers death.
Pertical limit. Jane Russell biopic.
Naked Nun - nice beaver...
Swallow Hal. Gwyneth Paltrow looses the macrobiotic diet.
Loonraker. Aberdonian spy, Jimmy Bond, discovers a sinister plot on the Shetland ferry.
The Empire Strokes Back - Luke discovers the ugly truth about his dad
Porn on the Fourth of July
Behind enema lines. Gene Hackman avoids splash risk.
Plus all the others.. Sleeping with, at the gates, within.
I Don't Want to Be Barn - weird Joan Collins / devilish dwarf horror in which a shed refuses to accept a promotion
Cougan's Fluff - - - - Arizona cop investigates naval matters.
Some Scottish sequels
My life as a dug
Room at the tap
The twa of us
Pilates of the Caribbean - jonny depp stretching for keira knightly
Christopher Lambert has to cancel a holiday in "The Outdoor Capital of the UK" due to family commitments and is not happy.
Planet of the Ales - - - - -
Three astronauts land on an Alien world, drink in more than the culture, get totally trollied and regress back into hairy arsed hominids.
Dull Metal Jacket. USMC training film on the merits of non reflective body armour.
Lorne Doone. Fly on the wall doc about the call to breakfast in Glasgow B&B
Withnail and E - The sequel. Twenty years on it's 1989 and two struggling London actors seek a change of scene. Their gay nephew suggests Manchester's clubland... with hilarious consequences.
Dappy Gilmore - Short-tempered grime star Dappy discovers a talent for golf.
Drizzly man - Effete weirdo spends summers seeking solace in that fine rain of remote Lancashire. Predictably, it kills him.
There's something about Gary - Louis Theroux leads Operation Yewtree to Wilmot's house.
I must admit when I re-read that list I thought 'shit!' but a 600+ thread was worth a 5 minute think ;-) Call it lower grade determination!
Oh mother where are though - no one thinks of the one left behind.
One of the very few threads where reading top to bottom is rewarding, you can be;
Rating Bull. De Niro as UKC user reading massive thread and placing posts in order of merit.
Lee Marvin made some good ones:
The Dirty Doyen. Wisdom without washing.
Hull in the Pacific. Unconvincing Humberside tourism promo.
On the Goad - Hipsters' road trip ruined by persistent wind-up merchant.
On the toad.
Hipsters road trip made Better again by finding and Licking them hallucinogenic toads.
On the Load, Amy Willerton's career takes a different direction as she plays fat lass Becky Blunderbuss who constantly eats too many pies, she gets so fat that they have to take to roof off the house to get her out. But on one dark winter night an old friend lends her a copy of stone monkey and she's hooked and aims to get back to her former glory.
The film is shot as a warts and all doco-drama showing Becky on the comeback trail.
Brokepack Mountain - Romantic camping trip ruined by malfunctioning rucsack.
Monk Lisa. Hilarious sequel to "Nuns on the Run".
Lonnie and Clyde.
Lonnie donnigan and warren Beatty team up in the 1920s dust bowl US to go on a rampage of bank Robbing and washboard based skiffle.
On the Woad, Jonathan Ross road trip to find blue pigment.
Midnight Cowbot. Scientists, attempting to solve the crisis of Amazonian deforestation for cattle farming, create a conscious robotic bovine substitute. One of the herd escapes to New York to sell his meat on the streets but finds life hustling less glamorous than his dreams.
Ceramic gun Loving, weed worshipping, Latino, rappers, Cypress Hill, must get john cleese to a teachers conference on Time in a road Trip to Remember.
Along the way they Accidentally (so they say) Kidnap a schoolgirl and Johns ex girlfriend, have Hilarious Encounters with a farmer, a Monastery, and the cops. all to the music of black Sunday.
Everything you wanted to know about pex but were afraid to ask.
Woody Allen, nervous about his ambition to onsight The Knife, is content to settle for the beta flash.
> Everything you wanted to know about pex but were afraid to ask.
> Woody Allen, nervous about his ambition to onsight The Knife, is content to settle for the beta flash.
Romancing the Scone.
A romance novellist gets into all sorts of bother over a legendary scone recipe.
The Fall Guy. Jeff Goldblum oddly cast as Colt Seaver, with Emma Thompson as Jodie and Rowan Atkinson as Howie.
Fed up with Bland English food, Rebecca Hall (shes Gorgeous by the way), teaches Herself pan Asian Cuisine by watching old videos by Ken Hom and Nancy Lam.
that could be Yul Brynner's gunslinger character resurrected from the film.......
Vestworld - - - - Dystopian view of a once great civilisation reduced to wearing slacks, onesies and singlets.
Lode story: Ali McGraw and Ryan O'Neill find romance in an abandoned silver mine
Kingdom of Leaven: Orlando Bloom on a crusade to bring raising agents to the bakers of the Holy Land.
Cull Durham: Oxbridge dons hatch a brutal plan for academic supremacy.
24 hour parts people: Biopic featuring the dispatch department of a busy Volvo dealership
> 24 hour parts people: Biopic featuring the dispatch department of a busy Volvo dealership
Contron, upcoming indie band Toy Divison from the M C R realize than their manager has just set up a pay to play scam, so he can buy new games for his psp whilst telling them they are destined for the hall of rock and roll fame, Johnny Vegas plays fresh faced frontman of TD and monkey plays the bands devious manger, Noel, Hooky, and Daphne and Celeste have cameo roles.
The Right Stiff: Slapstick comedy in a busy mortuary
Hullboy - Yorkshire lad battles forces of darkness.
The Da Vinci Cone: Tom Hanks in a desperate quest to clear his name by finding Renaissance man's formula for the perfect ice cream - Paul Bettany plays a psychopathic Mr Whippy vendor determined to stop him at any cost
Sucker, Punch? No letters changed but punctuation added as the Rev. Jim Jones gets his round in.
Faster Pussycat Kill Bill. Uma is urged to speed things up a bit by an increasingly impatient Russ Meyer.
Yes, Shaun Dooley plays Billy Casper who's just got out from a long stint inside for ill eagley collecting Sea Eagle eggs, he decides to make a new start and forms a prog band.
Melly's Heroes: Disgraced woodwind player puts together a band for a gig in a jazz club deep behind enemy lines.
Lord of the Rungs: Window-cleaning halflings on a mission to destroy Saurons evil aluminium extension ladder by casting it into mount doom.
The Bobbit, Real life extreme travel story, Fresh from her time in the jungle with the earnings and royalties she made Olympic star Rebecca Aldington decides to swim home following the coast line, shot in high definition from close support boat. Can our Olympic Heroine make the hazardous journey?
Hmmm I could think of other synopses for that title.
The Bobbit - someone wakes up one morning to find his previous has gone.
The Bobbit 2, lo fi night vision movie following the exploits of famous and very respectable upper class swingers, who get involved in the dogging scene at a notorious spot in Wombwell woods.
The Bobbit 3, Following her addiction to the previous dogging tales once high society lady Camilla Pamela Mayfair Smithe Bartholomu played by Lady Gaga, falls from grace and gets hooked on Mcat and meth speedballs, and the Ghost of Wombwell woods starts to take over her life, can she break free?
The Bobbit 4, extended horror chase movie Pammy Smith as she's now know has lost her title and her money has gone. Now fully possessed by Pookie, the ghost of the wood, she decides to take revenge on all the men that have wronged her.
Extreme scenes of violence, demonic possession, and occult rituals, not suitable for minors or people of a nervous disposition
The Bobbit 5, Bobbit in outer space, Pammy Pooky Smith takes a trip to the moon to f*ck with the clangers
Mr Bear's Holiday. A feature length episode of Mr Grylls' "adventures".
Hope Alone. Colin Wells wakes to find the rest of the village has been evacuated.
The Impissible. Ewan McGregors Thai holiday is blighted by kidney stones.
Hone Alone - left behind at Christmas, Macaulay Culkin takes to the weights.
Dace Off - Nicholas Cage battles John Wilson in a long-trotting grudge match.
Bear and Loathing in Las Vegas - - - -
our craghopping hero gets a bit of flack for trying to pass off a night at the Luxor Casino as a long range desert reconnaissance.
Angels and Lemons - - - - - A bitter slice of hokum that matters not.
Mace off, John Travolta, builds an O2 tent, seals it up and opens up the canister for full effect.
The Dark Knight Rimes - - - -
The dark knight has been left out on a dark night without much cloud cover and freezing fog.
50 First Dales. Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore explore Yorkshire.
Yo I married an axe murderer, clueless blonde bimbo thinks her soon to be dry tooling husband is rad!
Hansel and Gretel : Watch Hunters
A Grimm tale of obsessive antique collectors
The Wife of Pi
Pi and his enigmatic and sexy spouse e, have long been dismissed as irrational. Together with their enigmatic daughter i, an elusive beauty who seems to inhabit a dream world, they set out to show that rationality, tempting as it is to explain the nature of reality, is but the beginning of the story.
"I though e's performance wasn't a fraction of what it could have been but this was more than made up for by the amazing i, who was just unreal." New York Times
Very good, but too clever by the reciprocal of the square of Pythagoras's constant.
50 First Rates, biopic concerning the sadly short career of a food critic who is easily impressed
I laughed out loud at this one!
Silent Bill - atmospheric domestic horror, as a Maidenhead family's telly is stuck on mute when they want to watch repeats of a popular ITV police show.
A Nightmare on Elf Street - Tim Burton's whimsical mash-up featuring Robert Englund and Will Ferrell. And a CGI Dudley Moore.
What Pies Beneath - mystery horror as Harrison Ford and Michelle Pfeiffer are forced to confront the contents of their freezer
The Long Sheps - sequel to The 39 Sheps, in which viking Richard Widmark and moor Sidney Poitier invent cruel "tug of war" game, in which our hapless border collies are used instead of a rope
Das Root - German epic about ginger
Vanishing Paint - Barry Newman uses a Dodge Challenger as the getaway car for a Dulux warehouse ramraid
Paint Break - Keanu and Patrick stop their redecorating and have a Twix and a nice cup of tea. With 4 sugars, thanks luv
Point Your Wagon - Lee Marvin asks Clint Eastwood to show him which horse-drawn wheeled conveyance is his
Heal - Michael Mann medical epic starring Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro as rival surgeons
The Horde Whisperer - emotional drama in which Robert Redford is called upon to quell the 2011 UK looting rioters by talking to them gently
Gut of Africa - crude comedy featuring Forest Whitaker and Eddie Murphy in prosthetic fat suits, trying to win "Lardy Man" competition
The Wood Shepherd, Matt Damon plays time travelling CIA agent who is given the mission to travel back to -1AD and to set the tall story in place that a Californian hippy that he took back would with him who said I'll just do it for the ride Brah suuuuweeet would be the messiah, Robert De Niro is his handler
Red Beat, Arnie becomes a cool cat hipster and start a Communist beat club, Bruce Hooker is seen there doin' the be bob
Rod Sonja - Arnie and Brigitte Nielsen. XXX rated
Light of the Living Dead. Zombies find a torch
> Rod Sonja - Arnie and Brigitte Nielsen. XXX rated
The Wig Chill - a group of friends gather in a country house to put a load of toupées in the freezer
Rustless natives, the clown and the wolfman get back together with carbon axes and stainless picks for the winter.
Frumpy Old Men.
Eddie Izzard narrates this fly-on-the-wall documentary revealing the less glamorous side of cross-dressing.
To Kull a Mocking Bird. A farsical story of vicious anti-environmentalism and government incompetence.
Sleepy Follow, Johnny Depp plays Ichabod Byeke who travels from York to Sleepy Follow, which is an old haunted pit pony shed, down south o shire, to investigate ghostly sightings of a shimmering pit pony called Clop, once he gets there he starts to suffer from a lack of sleep and fields full of pikey ponies are drawn to him!
This lack of sleep starts to give him ghostly visions of Clop, and unless he drinks heavily whilst staying in the local travel lodge he lays awake all night. At this point the cleaning lady Mary-Jane Harper accidently enters his room as she thinks it's empty and she somewhat rocks his world; From this point onwards all Ichabod can do is think about her when he should be searching for Clop and the paranoia associated with it ensures he falls into a downhill spiral of episodes that waste his time......
Essentially the movie is a vehicle for a showcase of a sound track of stoner bands, with Dragonaut as the title track. Cassie Hardcastle, Southshire Gazette
Dirty Lancing - mostly known for the charged eroticism of Swayze's boil removal.
Humping Iron - Arnie and his mates abandon all pretence and just go at it with a dumbbell and some oil.
Dean de Florette - his Basingstoke rabbit farm fails when all of them are run over.
Following years of Alcohol abuse Kevin Bacon gets a Liver Transplant. Little did he Know it used to Belong to Russell Grant. Kevin cant stop telling everyone their astrology forecast in a camp voice.
In the sequels, the Liver wild, and Liverdance, Kevin falls off the wagon and gets given grizzly Adams and Michael Flatleys organs with the Expected character Trait switches.
Barrie - tale in which a Brummie lad's incredible telekinesis powers are used to vengeful, destructive effect after he is caught getting a stork-on in the school showers
Credator. Arnie 'the liquidator' scours the jungle for an alien life form owed money by wound up firm to assertion if they would accept 8p in the pound.
Gownfall. Adolphs' distressing wardrobe malfunction captured in doc charting the last days if the Reich.
Arnie hot foots it across the plateau clicking his heels along the way as he's the first to learn the downfalls in.
Dead Man's Shots - Paddy Considine displays fearsome intensity in gritty, hand-held camera drinking games with his recently deceased brother
The Tenas Chainsaw Massacre.
Old Leatherface runs amok with a petrol Powered arboriculture tool in a sanitary towel factory.
The Bong remains the same: A year on the road with Led Zeppelin, focussing on the only item not to get thrown through a hotel window...
The Welding Singer. Adam Sandler serenades the workers at a car factory in Luton.
9 1/2 Leeks - erotica involving a half a missing leek
A19 - the Widowmaker
Harrison Ford fights to save a stricken Russian HGV on an ill-fated journey from York to Middlesbrough.
Something licked this way comes - - -
- the journey of a solitary enevelope in a world of privatised mail companies. A post-apocalypse sort of movie.
Silent Bunning - food fight in bakery staffed entirely by deaf mutes
Run Silent, Bun Deep - Clark Gable goes for a jog and decides - despite obvious discomfort - not to tell anyone about his fetish for rectal insertion of baked goods
Something Mild - Melanie Griffith takes Jeff Daniels to a korma house. Cameo from Ray Liotta in black-up as an irate waiter
Escape From New Fork - charming Pixar film depicting dinnertime from the point of view of cute anthropomorphised peas
Footgoose - harrowing footage of the production of foie-gras, narrated by Kavin Bacon
avant garde film art Featuring Looped footage of truffle From the goonies doing the truffle Shuffle.
The Lunger Games. In a dystopian near future Jennifer Lawrence must flaunt herself to disinhibited bungee tethered sex pests.
The Same. Michael Douglas is a ruthless Wall St executive again(in derivatives?) in generic thriller.
Mississippi Gurning. AAA aaways lurk liyak thiyas, aaa ain't purlin no fayceyes, maa eyes aways bin thiyas close t'gether.
The Gape - A slack-jawed Michael Douglas is agog at receiving yet another script where his character is a soulless executive
Would "Stop Making Sensi" have been better?
Boing John Malkovich - intense actor takes on role as Tigger
How To Make An American Quint - a load of veteran actresses use flashbacks to help Winona Ryder sculpt a clay statue of Robert Shaw
The Greatest Story Evel Told - pointless motorbike jump stunt legend Mr Knievel tells everyone about the Snake River Canyon near-miss. Again and again, for 3 hours.
Clan of the Rave Bear - Bungle pops a load of pills and takes his siblings down to the Hacienda
Clan of the Cave Rear - extended family discovered hiding out round the back, by speleologists
Clap of the Cave Bear - documentary about ursine STDs
Clan of the Care Bear - comedy drama featuring 80s overpriced soppy toy family
Klan of the cave bear.
Prehistoric, Pointy hood wearing, cross burning, White, Racist, good old boys, From the deep south.
This was followed up with many Others of its ilk: eg. Klan 9 From outer Space.
Trimors. Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward are two odd job men in the Nevada desert, mainly keeping hedges nice and tidy.
Night of the Bunter - The Owl of the Remove marries a gullible widow whose young children are reluctant to tell him where their real daddy hid the tuck boxes
Breakfast at Titfany's - - - - Longer than expected visit to a house of ill repute.
Tome alone. Documentary about the George W Bush library.
Watershit down. Cutesey animation about the efficacy of dulco-lax.
The Rustler - Paul Newman decides a brown paper suit wasn't such a good idea
Bring John Malkovich - The American Academy of Arts and Motion Picture Sciences summon intense actor for honorary Oscar
That's Eating Gilbert Grape - they identify what was eating Gilbert Grape
Wank Girl, Lori Petty becomes every teenage boys fantasy!
Bank Girl, Lori Petty becomes a corporate whore.
Mank Girl, Lori really needs a wash
Parky's. Sleazy comedy about chat show obsessed high school jocks.
Men of Donor - - - - Ensemble piece where the main character suffers a break up when a certain card is misused.
Enemy Of The Slate - - - - Low profile feature in which grit shows it's rough edges but not a clean pair of heels.
Rating Bull - - - - What the Turner Prize judges do for a living.
Unlikely big screen treatment of EastEnders with the even more unlikely casting of Sylvester Stallone as the titular gormless Mr. Butcher. Incredibly, Julianne Moore's appalling "cocker-knee" accent as Bianca has Dick van Dyke publicly asking "gor blimey won't someone think of the children?!"
Excellent thread IMO.
A cockwork orange.
The night of the munter.
To kill a fockingbird.
Emerican Flyers, Real life Biopic Played By Matt Damon and Madonna, Lance and Sheryl get high as kites as they rule the world until the tragic day that it all comes crashing down.
Quacksilver: Jack Casey ('Ed the duck')used to be a hot-shot stock market whiz kid. After a disastrous professional decision, his life in the fast lane is over. He loses his nerve and joins a bird sanctuary.....
Who Bares Wins - Lewis Collins uses classic SAS distraction tactics during the 1980 siege of the Iranian Embassy, surprising the baddies by mooning them
Slack Hawk Down - Jay and Silent Bob in "fish out of water" comedy as they get so stoned that they hallucinate that they are in Mogadishu in 1993
The shiting - Stanley Kubrick,man driven to maniacal tendences by the ghosts of a remote chalet who make him shit himself quite a lot.
Unfortunately this film was too controvershal and no dharlin achtors dare audition for it, so still a concept.
I seen that video nasty years ago but it was pulled from the shelves before the 1979 election.
Lulu -Stanley Baker, Jack Hawkins and Michael Caine star in this epic fact based film,in which a whole battalion of soldiers continually fight off the overwhelming advances of an extremely noisy and annoying warbler.
Sleepine Beauty (2011), A haunting portrait of Lucy, a young university student drawn into a mysterious hidden world of Christmas tree telesales.
8 August 2011 | by he_who_eat_trees (Pine Gap, Australia) See all reviews
This movie's trailer got people talking because of its very Kubrick vibe. And, in fact, the movie explores territory very similar to 'Eyes Wide Shit'. How sex has become more liberal and extreme, yet also sterile and disconnected.
The lead character, Lucy, (Courtney Love) exhibits this. She'll sleep with people at the drop of a fairy light, yet with little evidence of desire. In fact, there's hardly any evidence that she processes strong emotions at all. She just goes about her business. Things happen to her, and she's too reticent to shrug them off......
After a prank goes disastrously wrong, a group of lads get so stoned that they cant get off the dole and through from their viewpoint in the underclass they can see people who they think are normal are really materialistic flesh sucking zombies who are really asleep and the zombies control their lack of cashflow, over 10 years later, they get their chance for revenge........
They Love, Dude puts on x ray shades that allows him the see the aliens that walk amongst us, and he see's that some real mingers are beautiful hybrid space goddesses, however the goddesses have suffered from the collective trauma of mind control and repetitive programming procedures that they truly believe they are mingers. Dude understands this and helps to spread the love....
Erotic sci-fi space rock B movie 8.5/10, Cassie Hardcastle, South Shire Gazette.
Inspired i believe by the first and well buried Elvis movie - Jailhouse cock.
maybe? does y = ie
anyway, Super massive oasis fan mad for it lad from Tickhill falls through an imaginary Einstein-Rosen bridge whilst listening to champagne supernova this causes him to paradoxically believe that blue strangler film threads are the real one and the real real ones are make believe, he tells his parents about this and they call the men in white suits, Donny then gets doped up on prescription anti psychotics and the light that used to shine on in his eyes becomes dull, can Donny break out of his prescription drugs hell and live forever?
I Am A Fugitive From A Chain Gong, Elvis doesn't really die but drops off the radar goes high in the mountains in Tibet to chant, chime gongs, and find him self, he sets up a chippy for the local folk.
Atlack Of the 50ft woman. 'Making of' doc, wherein a directors exasperation at the casting of Jeanette Krankie is fully explored.
Godcilla, a scientific experiment has an unexpected outcome and a once terrifying monster because a real sweetheart and starts a TV dating show.
The thin rad line.... troubled Victorian First Anglo-Afghan War veteran once again played by our favourite hero Danny Dyer, Undertakes a set of always increasingly dangerous early almost before climbing is supposed to have started unrecorded gritstone solos, all his friends worry about him, which will he find first Valhalla or inner peace?
burnt out (2005)
Pearl Barbour. Ben Afleck gives Kate Beckinsale something more substantial to wear than a necklace.
Howls moving cattle.
Uninspiring anime where howl moves a herd of cows From one field to another.
I Lobot. Will Smith struggles to explain his recent operation
Dambo - Cute large earred elephant dons a headband and sets out to rescue the hostages
Pork Chop Pill - during the Korean war, Gregory Peck invents spaceman food
Hamburger Pill - during the Vietnam war, Don Cheadle develops spaceman fast food
The Pill - in a British Army internment camp, Sean Connery develops orally delivered contraception and sparks a sexual revolution
Hairy toed midget gets a cold, and cant stop hoiking up phlegm.
Ricycle Thieves - A man and his son search for their stolen breakfast
I know what you hid last summer. Squirrel slasher pic, as the winter draws on a group of guilty conscienced squirrels fear for their nuts.
Chocolag. Juliette Binoche's rustic village plumbing business must use milk and cocoa solids to insulate pipework, stirring up parochial feelings amongst those villagers who prefer the more traditional marzipan lagging.
The Germinator: A robotic assassin from a post-apocalyptic future travels back in time to eliminate the thing those bean shoots that gave him a gippy tummy were grown in.
Top Gut - A bunch of professional darts players compete to be number one
9 and a half geeks - Mickey Rourke tries to fit into a 10 man IT team, but the others doubt his credentials.
The longest gay - That's the puerile one.
Hairy toed midget Bilbo wants to Build a new wall, but finding his hod is broken has to go on a Quest for a New Handle.
The Nookie - Clint Eastwood enlists the help of a ventriloquist's bear to hunt down a criminal
The Vast Picture Show - Sam the Lion re-opens the local fleapit as an Imax
Maris Texas, The story of genetic modification of tubers to create a strain better suited to hot, arid desert conditions.
I'm afraid 'One night in Maris' failed even my low quality filters.
The Bookie. Eastwood places a fistful of dollars on Pale Rider Charlie Sheen every which way but lose in the 3.15 at Doncaster.
(obscure 1993 film Aspen Extreme "Top Gun on skis" apparently...I did once see one the ski scenes from it which was in fact excellently filmed. And excellently skied)
The Blizzard on Aahs, Ski movie on the planet Aahs, Plakey, Stuppy and crew, hear of the planet of Ahhs with incredible pow which sticks to vertical cliffs, follow their 27 year long journey to ski the extreme!
Boy, that escalated quickly...
Honey, I Shrunk The Lids - a married couple discover why you don't wash helmets on the hot cycle.
The Descant - a caving trip goes horribly wrong for a group of choristers when they realise there are worse things than bad tuning underground..
The Rime Machine - an unscrupulous climber invents a method of ensuring prime winter conditions year-round.
The World is hot enough. Gore, Al Gore, ups the tempo, keeps the girls,guns and gadgets but trades in the Aston Martin for a Toyata Prius.
A slightly parochial north scotland one...
The sleepy summer idyll in an holiday town on the American Eastern Seaboard is disrupted by a series of horrific attacks on swimmers. Maverick police chief has a helluva time trying to convince the town council it's all down to a giant rogue Caley Thistle supporter.
Ken Russell's Where - Theresa Russell in career-suicide bold role as "woman trying to navigate angry driver husband"
Slate of Grace - Ed Harris, Gary Oldman and Sean Penn in Llanberis family climb drama
Sharpes Raffles, Sharpe (Sean Bean) gets a blue rinse and runs a bingo night down New Lodge WMC
What is the one letter that you changed?
I to a
Tea of Love - Al Pacino in beverage-based romantic crime thriller. Ellen "White and Two Sugars" Barkin as the female lead.
The Pig Blue - Luc Besson's 80s porcine woad-painting saga with cheesy synth score.
obviously too much guitar on the brain, I carried a black sg axe around for last ten years it felt like a weapon, I've just got to do some work on it to get it zeroed again and it goes to a new owner so if you know anyone into that kind of thing.
is 87 Gibson sg, Seymour Duncan rear pick up, unbranded front, comes with Gibson pick ups but need re-conditioning as they started microphoning due to break down of wax between magnets, re-fret with jumbo frets, new nut, bridge(Gibson spec) and machine heads(grovner) I've been informed its accurate value is £550
sorry about hijack, but it will disappear into the posts tomorrow just a heads up.
Shacker, Ludicrous electro horror after being sent to the electric chair, a serial killer uses electricity to come back from the dead and carry out his vengeance on the football player who locked him in a of small primitive dwelling, until officer dibble could send him to the chair.
Hey John no worries, you're not the first!
Sorry can't really help with the guitar, I never ended up getting into all that scene, but FWIW SG is my favourite shape and that Gibson humbucker sound is sweet!
I'd better do a film.
DragonHeard - Connery
observes mythical entity's tendency to eaves-drop
No probs, it'll sell:)
Dr Yo, spy doesn't take it seriously at all and keeps hi fiving the enemy, he then gets bummed deep behind enemy lines for his irreverence.
Event Horizoe: A rescue crew investigates a spaceship that disappeared into a black hole and has now returned...with someone or something new on-board, Zoe scares the bejusus out of them
billing Zoe, terrifying space demon comes to earth, and before Zoe knows zoe is saddled with credit card debt.
Bone in 60 seconds. Producers shamelessly cast Angelina Jolie to appeal to the target demographic, who, obligingly, award a standing ovation.
The Last Jing of Scotland, Animation, Oor Wullie on his deathbucket tear jerker.
James McAvoy as Wullie "Help me Boab..."
Forest Whittaker as Ma "ah Cannae Wullie"
Peaches. Rockumentary. Unlikely casting of Bette Midler as Hugh Cornwell in Stranglers Biopic.
Two Line Blacktop. James Taylor and dennis Wilson snort their way across america while warren oates fails to keep up.
Death Rice 2000 -Contestants have to feed innocent people reheated leftover egg fried rice
Oh shit still going, better do the next 20 misses I guess:
Cattleship Potempkin.... the fate of military hardware in the new Russia
t'atlante...... yorkshire football commentator moves to mexico
Wreathless.... when lesser films die
Apocalypse Bow.... the sequel that never should have happened.
Bingin' in the Rain..... copycat styles celebrated in honour
Next 20 continued:
Marror.... Tarkvsky homage set in a cockney allotment as war comes
The Sever Samurai... what happened to the ones who didnt make the prime cut
Au Havard Balthazar... the donkey star decides to get properly educated
Late String... another daughter struggling to cut the link with the family home
Persons.... inspired by Bergman's tale, the story of when an entire cast refuse to speak.
Apologies again to the BFI and that will do me as these are getting too hard... someone else can do the next ten
That's what happens when you don't think it through! :-)
The Fast Temptation of Christ - The Ferrari was way out of his price range, Jesus realised that, but then again he'd get some serious respect from the boys down at the track..
Dobby does Dallas. Potter creature tries to please more than one master again.
The King and M. King of Siam has some lessons in espionage .
Tartan of the apes. Fashionable Victorians create simian plaid.
The motorcycle dairies. Che becomes a milkman.
2001: A Spade Odyssey. Monty Don finds a mysterious, obviously artificial, object buried beneath the Lunar surface while demonstrating the correct way to turn over an allotment. With the intelligent computer H.A.L. 9000 and wearing his trademark heavy-duty corduroy bags he sets off on a quest. Popular with lady gardeners of a certain age, and said to be Kubrick's finest horticulture-based epic.
Baws. The American coastline is terrorised by a big rubber scrotum that plays the cello.
Haven't read the complete thread so apologies for any 'doublers'...
Swallow Grave, bird is murdered and body concealed.
The Past Action Hero - Schwarzenneger and Stallone interview each other about their 1980s glory days
Fur Queen and country, Denzel Washington plays a retired British soldier who struggles to adjust to everyday life, with increasing difficulty, so he catches a fox, skins it and makes a nice hat from it's fur and gives it to his mi julie
The Magnificent Semen - Yul Brynner and friends challenge the banditos to an epic game of soggy biscuit...
CraveHeart - Mel Gibson has an uncontrollable urge to eat some offal
How You See Me - Jesse Eisenberg explains the workings of the human eye, and throws in some sleight of hand magic tricks for fun
Shire - Geoffrey Rush in Oscar-winning turn as Tolkien-esque nobody who stays behind and plays the piano autistically whilst Mister Frodo seeks high adventure
Meter's Friends - Aardman animation voiced by that Footlights troupe (Fry, Thompson, Staunton etc), about various anthropomorphised measuring and recording devices at a big house party.
Ghosts on Mars, Ice cube, Statham, and Natasha Henstridge, stay in and fly high on the cronic Statham has brought stuff to offset the munchines and is grabs a mars bar, Natasha Henstridge is so spaced out that she goes the whole nine yards as exclaims 'shit niggaz' there's a ghost sat on the Mars bar, Ice cube pops a cap in her arse!
Apocalypse nwo, Charlie Sheen starts ranting on about the New world order and how 9/11 was an inside job, he the releases his own energy drink to challenge red bull which is tiger blood, many of the disciples of sheen start to drink this cultish sugary pop but it give s them visions of a post apocalyptic future, where the high flying birds are let free to rain down Armageddon, The time is ticking down to one second to midnight can Bruce Willis save the world, or will he become a gibbering wreck like on his one show performance?
Sound track by Iron Maiden, and Electric Wizard, Noel Gallagher and Steps, H has a cameo role as chief disciple of Sheen
The Frying Game - Spoiler alert, That battered sausage isn't all it seems
Ride effects. A Doctor is pressured into prescribing an inadequately trialled anti chafing cream, with murderous consequences.
Mender is the night. Little known Star Wars spin off in which Yoda espouses the healing properties of sleep.
Malt. Angelina Joile's CIA agents' past is a blur.
Wantage Point. A sleepy Oxfordshire village becomes the unlikely focus of presidential assassination shenanigans.
A Perfict World, young lad finds being kidnapped by Pop Larkin less a harrowing trauma and more of an idealised 1950's rural idyll.
The Lugitive. Harrison Ford is one step ahead of Tommy Lee Jones thanks to his trusty tea tray and marginally better cornering.
Passenger 27, happens to be in insurance and it all end horribly.
Don Air. Cage, Malkovich, Trejo et al are travelling academics. Noteworthy performance from Steve Buscemi as Stephen Hawking.
You're on form!
The Rig Lebowski - The Dude's laid back attitude doesn't go down well in the oil industry
Dove actually. martine McCutcheon reveals her secret to a shiny face
Notting Hell. Julia Roberts gets caught up in the riots
glazing saddles - ted Moult gets a job in the wild west
The Girth of a Nation - Documentary on obesity in the USA
Untolerance - Griffith's cinematic apology for "The Girth of a Nation". Pedantic fatties wreak revenge on the illiterate.
Arsenic and Old Lice - Drastic measures are needed to cure a nit infestation.
Stand By Mo - A coming of age drama about a young Mo Farah and pals on a journey along the 10,000m track..
Gunga Dip - Get the poppadums, there's something new on the pickle tray.
Open Mange - Kevin Costner stars as an world-weary vet forced back into the surgery for one last case.
The Chin Man -Biopic of Jimmy Hill
American Plyers - Kevin Costner stars as young patriotic tool maker who can't spell. It's a gripping film.
AFK - Kevin Costner stars as a district attorney investigating a computer that was left on while the owner nipped out.
No Day Out - Kevin Costner is imprisoned without parole, for being a spy (and boffing Sean Young in the back of a limo)
PaterWorld - dystopian sci-fi set in chilling "Land of Posh Dads" theme park. Costner is the security guard
Quatermass and the Pot.
Prof Q eats some super strong skunk Space cakes. An hour Later hes seeing Alien spaceships and imagining he has psychic Powers.
The Postnan - hilarious cross-dressing caper as Kevin Costner dresses as a postal delivery granny to get close to his estranged children. Robin Williams phones his lawyer.
Someone gives Rutger Hauer a Lift, who then Spends the Entire Journey Moaning and Arguing about everything.
Ta, I have a love/hate relationship with this thread.
I've spat more toast out reading this thread than any other. But it has wasted more of my life than I'd care to think.
Always Outnumbered, Always Outpunned. Lawrence Fishbourne is not the most prolific or most humerous contributer to monster UKC thread.
Basin Instinct. Kitchen sink drama, Michael Douglas is sent out by his missus to purchase porcelain bathroom ware. Not having detailed instructions he must rely on gut feeling. Notorious for the oft freeze-framed scene where you can get a glimpse of plughole.
In the same of the father. Oedipus biopic.
I Spit On Your Grape - Notorious '70s shocker about rival vineyard owners.
and its sequel "The Ladykilters"
Torching the Void. Revenge movie starring disaster prone climber.
The Starchers - John Wayne & Jeffrey Hunter in a quest for perfect laundry
Douching* the Void - Really scary shit!
*I claim artistic licence
Get rich or die Fryin'
Fiddy Cents rap career Bombs, and he opens a mofo chip shop yall
Pinter's Bone - A harrowing home video. Banned in 30 countries.
Touching the Roid - in which we find out the real reason Simon cut the rope
The Constant Hardener.
A fluffers life in the porn Industry.
The Loon King - Tricked into thinking he killed his father, a guilt ridden lion cub flees into exile and sets up a business making ridiculously flared trousers.
Push - James Hunt signs for the British Leyland racing team
Passporn to Pimlico. An unexploded bomb reveals a secret tunnel into London borough being used by Stanley Holloway to smuggle Jazz Mags.
Take a best original screenplay Oscar from me!
(law of vastly diminishing returns...)
Rust - James Hunt signs for the Ford Escort F1 team
Rusk - Niki Lauda signs for the Fisher Price F1 team
Unlawful Kulling, Keith Allen fantasy film about real life event where princess gets snuffed out by evil family of hobgoblins, Unfortunately nobody ever gets to see it.
Above the Lab - Steven Seagull enjoys a scenic flight around a beagle testing facility
Primate's Progress - Ian Carmichael in a monkey suit causes hilarity in the army
Gildfinger - low budget remake of the Bond movie
Geldfinger - in which Q has invented a particularly nasty Bond gadget
Ride effects (2). A doctor is pressured into prescribing an inadequately trialled anti chafing cream to Lance Armstrong who ends up 'going (US) postal'
Basil the great morse detective. animated rodent tries to join the dots
Pan on Fire - Denzel Washington narrates a cautionary tale about the dangers of deep fat frying.
Training Diy - Denzel Washington narrates an instructional video about assembling Ikea furniture. Contains very strong language and scenes of violence.
House of wad.
Honnold, Megos, and Ondra in riotous house share comedy.
Training Dad - behind the scenes on Prometheus, Charlize Theron struggles to teach Guy Pearce how to not look like the reanimated corpse of Hume Cronyn when in full facial prosthetics
On the Busts .. TV sitcom taken to the big screen starring Reg Varney and Bob Grant as Stan and Jack, a pair (fnarr) of young fun-loving plastic surgeons specialising in breast enhancement who revel in perpetual conflict with choleric hospital head consultant Sir Peregrine Blake. When Stan's sister Olive comes in for a boob job, chaos ensues...
* actually she was excellent in Gravity but never mind
Raiders of the Lost Auk- Harrison Ford takes on the might of the Nazi's while searching for an errant Puffin (in Egypt WTF?)
Cool Hand Lake: Bore-rock maestro Greg Lake is imprisoned for the crime of having caused people to cut their own heads off with the tedium of his music. Refusing to be bullied by the top cons he wins the inmates over by ridiculing his own oeuvre and, famously, eating 50 eggs. Tragically it ends with his release.
A Field on England, surreal film about the astral plane that hovers above our reality in the 5th dimension, the actors names are written in a language that we can't understand and hardly anyone can even see the film because you just have to believe it to see it
"woowwwwwah like totally awesome man best film I never saw" un-named Wombwell Ayawaska head 27.2 out of 5 stars
The Hobbit. The Desilation of Smaug.
Hairy toed midget goes to Steal stuff Belonging to a bhangra and curry Loving Dragon.
Take the honey and run. Woody Allen documents Pooh's descent into crime.
The life of Po. Ang Lee's Sequal to The Life of Dipsy. Two more films expected.
Herbie goes to Monte Carla. Anthropomophised VW is quite taken with ex French First lady chanteuse Ms. Bruni. Cue laughs, chuckles and crush injuries.
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Draft, Nagasaki car nut gets posted to Tokyo, just before everyone he ever knew get tragically fried KFC style by the septics.
Light Club: A cult movement of men meeting in secret to hold torch battles with each other whilst sabotaging the middle class. The first rule of light club is etc. etc.
Easy Riser: Two plumbers, fed up with the terrible ennuie embark on a journey to find an outlet for their sprinkler system whilst taking drugs. Music by Steppendolf.
Eight Mole: Eminem plays a green-keeper ostracised by his colleagues.
Saturday Night Lever: John Travolta enters an engineering competition with hilarious consequences. Music by the Cee Gees.
Ryan's Laughter - David Lean films Leo McKern chortling about something or other
Thousand hard stare, Bike movie. Over the hill burn out, decides to get bmx to get down with the kidz, kids show how old timer rad street style slope to hard floor challenge to join the crew, old timer tries to make the transfer but caches the lip pre-exit and rolls down the whole stairway to heaven
music by Russian circles
The Autist - A narrow range of interests and repetitive behaviour lead to a 1000 post forum thread.
The Baked Lunch - Peter Weller goes insane on a midday diet of space cakes
The Sisterhood of the Travelling Panes - cheesy chick flick about cross-generational glaziers
Rational Lampoon's Christmas Vacation: Chevvy Chase plays Richard Dawkins who is very sensible and knows that his bonus will not be paid this year, and therefore cancels Christmas. His warm-hearted boss, highly respectable and religious brother and respectful children eventually convince him Christmas is still wonderful as a time to celebrate the birth of Our Lord, his Saviour, even without turkey.
To he Number One... is a 1991 Hong Kong gangster film directed by Poon Man-kit, and produced by Johnny Mak. The film is based on the rise and fall of a real life gangster, The protagonist He begins the story as a poor Teochew refugee from Communist China, and leads his men to become paws of corrupted police Fat Kwan to control the drug trade. After He establishes himself, Fat Kwan turns against him, cripples him and kills many of his men, but He keeps rising and eliminates all his enemies. However He is blinded by his growing power, and his empire ends with the establishment of ICAC.
anyone would think I'm just copy and pasting from web, and changing the odd letter, mmmmhhhhh soldout!
Thieves Mike Us - 1930s crime caper in which Keith Carradine breaks into peoples' houses and criminally records what they say, using a new fangled "voice box thingummy"
Black look, Hilarious horrible dirty black comedy/ grime movie, two unemployed men need to make money, one is a cat burglar, and the other is a big scary gay black man.
so they form a plan, to break into rich folks houses at night, the cat burglary gets the loot, and the gay man, enters the bedroom of the man of the house and bums the owner in front of his wife, with this scam the owners are so embarrassed about the bedroom scenes that they never call the filth and just write the loot off.
(spoiler alert) the feds finally catch up with the plot and a national viewed chase happens Raoul Moat style, Gazza makes the obvious cameo chice
Mr knieval rents a Flat and all sorts of hijinks ensue when the Landlord doesnt Like him keeping his rocket cycle in the Kitchen.
Clint Eastwood winces his way through a western Every Time he has to ride his hoss due to his farmer Giles.
Stage Roach ... Redskins get mad with The Duke for passing them soggy spliff end.
Like the original, but with a Gloucester old Spot as Lead character.
Phil Collins plays a very Unsavoury peeping Tom.
The Punning Man.
Arnie is made to go on a Deadly future Game Show for a Crime he swears Blind he didnt commit. He Spends Entire film Making Dreadful and increasingly poor puns.
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