In reply to Alan M:
I have been best man three times, the following has served me well.
Don’t ever think you can wing it on the day, you will look like a c*nt.
Don’t get smashed on booze, a few cheeky jars is fine
The aim is to make the groom look like lovable rogue, not a c*nt
Do not mention any stories that include an ex burd
Do not crack any jokes that allude to the bride’s sexual history even if she has seen more helmets then the Germany army.
The bride is always stunning, even when she looks like a bag of smashed crabs
Rehearse, rehearse and rehearse you speech so that you pretty much know it by heart so that you can……
……make eye contact with your audience……..or if you can’t do that a light fitting on the back wall
…….you can use your hands during the speech
Keep the gags short and punchy and don’t get involved in any shaggy dog stories
Don’t get involved in any private jokes that only one table will get.
Do your homework, tap up old school mates, team mates, work colleagues etc to get some dirt
Never ever start your speech with the “being asked to be a best man is a bit like being asked to make love to the queen………..” line, it’s a sh*t gag and everyone has heard it a million times
Don’t swear
Remember that the audience are on your side, they will laugh at your crap jokes at first just to be polite, but don’t try their patience with a crap speech or you will have p*ssed Uncle Gerry at the back of the room heckling you.
When you get a good laugh, pause until things have calmed down before continuing
Mention how awesome of bridesmaids look, even if they are manky
Read out cards from those who can’t attend
Toast the couple in a way that you can get a sly final dig in at the groom while complimented the bride i.e. Fiona you are one in a million, Dave, you were won in a raffle….etc etc
Bask in your new exalted hero status as the top man at the wedding and sleep with all the women who will be falling over themselves to have a piece of you.
Post edited at 13:53