UKC

Firstly, thanks to all who've sent messages yesterday and today.

I know I shouldn't feel this way but after enduring diagnosis and chemo for the last six months it seriously dismays me that people I have always regarded as friends have not even picked up the phone or emailed or written to ask how I've been getting on. The number of those who HAVE done so I can count on one hand. The one person who I was least expecting anything from was a frail old lady, in her late eighties, arthritic and house bound and dependent on carers who sent me a delightful card the other day.

I know I shouldn't dwell on these matters but I do sometimes feel I would like these people to know how shallow I think they are. I would like to think I'm above doing so.

Sorry to go on. :0(

At least I'll save on a reduced Christmas card list this year

In reply to mypyrex:

I suppose it shows who your real friends are.

In reply to mypyrex:

I shouldn't worry about it too much - it's more a reflection on them feeling inadequate to deal with the situation than anything else. People are crap at dealing with this stuff... I shouldn't take it personally. Just good that you're through the treatment...

In reply to mypyrex:

They probably just don't know how to deal with it, and are worried about saying or doing the wrong thing - should they talk about your problem, or would you prefer to avoid the subject? If they avoid it and talk about what they've been up to, will you be annoyed with that? What can and can't they say without risking upsetting you? It's hard, as people want very different things in your situation.

Have you told them you'd like to hear from them? If not, some of them may just be thinking you want to be left alone just now.

In reply to mypyrex:
Dont let it worry you. I had a major op earlier in the year. I met a friend who I play rugby with a while after and he appologised for not finding out how i was doing as he didnt want to hear any bad news about me. People are funny things

In reply to All: Thanks for thoughtful comments. I know some folk don't always know what to say but seven words is all it takes: "Just wondered how you were getting on".

In reply to mypyrex:

We had the same experience when my father died. Some people who we'd regarded as close friends just failed us utterly. I guess it just goes to show that people are very frightened of death and the 'la, la, la, I can't hear you,' approach is widely adopted. On the other hand, there were some people who I didn't know very well at all who became very close indeed, so there are ups to this - you just need to look for them and *keep your focus on them*

Additionally, my thoughts are with you for what you're going through, and I wish you all the best with your recovery

In reply to mypyrex:

It really probably is absolute fear and awkwardness mate, try not to think too harshly of them (probably a big ask I know...).

Best wishes with your continued recovery.

In reply to mypyrex:

It's not just you and you're quite entitled to judge them based on their non-involvement - real friends (and decent people who are mere acquaintances) make the effort. It's not a reflection on you, either - most of us, particular in this era of social media 'friendship', have a few very good, proper mates and a lot of fair weather dilettantes, on whom it's pointless to rely. I tend to let these go sooner rather than later. Tellingly, some of my best friends live in other countries, or even continents.

My mother-in-law died over the course of a decade or so, of a slowly progressive paralyzing condition. For the last 5-6 years, she was unable to leave the house. Her best friend abruptly stopped visiting at about that point, without explanation. That was pretty awful in itself, but worse still was her insistence, whenever my wife and I were visiting, to stop us in the street simply to tell us that she *wanted* to come over, but it upset her too much. My wife refused to let me tear her a new one, but even now I have to resist the urge to jump in the car, drive 300 miles and explain to her what a miserable excuse for a human being she is.

<phew>

That said, hope you're doing OK and that getting off the cycle of chemo is helping you to feel better. Post-recovery, if you feel like a jaunt to Cornwall, at whatever grade / length of walk, let me know.

Martin

In reply to mypyrex:
I'm curious what you'd like them to ask - does it hurt? Will you die? How much more treatment do you have? I have a friend who is fighting cancer now as is her mother and we deliberately do not talk about their illness as it is not especially helpful for her.

And bitterness will not help you in the long run either.

In reply to mypyrex:

Just seen this - get well soon, Mr Pyrex. I know how tough the chemo is because my Dad is going through it now.

In reply to mypyrex:

Never underestimate peoples ability to disappoint

And belated congrats to being on the mend.

In reply to wbo:
I gather he'd like an English 'Hello how are you? 'Oh not too bad', people being just in his life as it were?

mypyrex: I once had a thought that the self can be like a garden, in that we need to cultivate what we'd like more of, more of what we'd like to feel, but dwelling on that, instead of the negative things.

Instead think about appreciating that you're still here, and that you're blessed with the partner you have, and on forgiveness for the people you feel have let you down?

It'll definitely make you feel less negative, and you might feel a bit happier too. ()

In reply to mypyrex:
There's a saying or quote by the way about us being exceptionally blessed if we can match the fingers on one hand with our number of true friend, the inference being that most people only have a few.

In reply to mypyrex:

Maybe you should compare your situation with others who're in a similar position only with no disappointing friends. Or any at all.