UKC

If you like this,could you please email me.
Maybe you could put a link to it on Twitter.
It is copyright,but feel free to use it if you teach,or read it out at poetry gatherings,not for profit.

I am thinking of putting out a poetry collection,with photos.

DEEP VEIN

Honey- fire
vein flush.
Mother poppy
grins me numb
in the bed of flower red oblivion.
Bliss in the bone
and smile deep in the jaw.
Tears scorched in the blood fire.
Buzzing bees in the Asian glade
sup of the sunny cup.
Poppy numb smile of placeless rest.
Water bed warm in a silken vest.
Resin d'etre of chemist's art.
Pampered skull drinks the nectared dart.
Train's bogies rock the poppy poppet.
Double axel in the dreamer's rink,
slumped in the Gent's fetid stink.
Rest so floppy in painless night,
spine kissed cold by a wave of white;
poppies dancing under perfect light.

copyright P C Mitchell

In reply to paul mitchell:

Hi Paul. You asked for feedback and it's easier for me to give it here so I can refer back to the poem.

A good poem, for me, should either tell - or hint at - a story, or ask questions and build layers of meaning. The words themselves, their sound and rhythm, can add to the meaning when used skilfully. This poem starts with an interesting musical quality from the assonance and alliteration, which progressively harshens and is lost - is that deliberate? The sounds are those of an experience turning sour but the last line seems to be saying the opposite.

I think your poem describes an experience or set of experiences without taking it to a conclusion or using it to say something wider. In parts I can 'get' it - you've given me ways into understanding that experience - in parts I'm lost.

"Train's bogies rock the poppy poppet" ? I haven't a clue what that might mean! I'm not sure the repetition of poppy works, it would be good to see you finding different ways of telling this drug's story.

In reply to Alyson:
Hi Alyson,
Ta for the feedback.I won't be finding different ways of telling the story.
Poems mean different things to different people.If the reader/hearer remembers just one phrase or an image sticks in your mind,then ,for me,the poem has succeeded. As for poppy poppet,heroin derives from poppies.The ending is supposed to be ambiguous.I think the poem does ask questions and build layers of meaning.It is up to the reader to make their own interpretation.If a train's motion rocks you,how do you feel?

In reply to paul mitchell:

I am fully aware that heroin derives from poppies, but you only need to say that once to make the connection - not 4 times. I don't get to the motion of a train from "train's bogies". To me, bogies are pieces of snot, or possibly mischievous/evil spirits.

To be ambiguous you have to have multiple interpretations which all work. Snot from trains is not ambiguity, to my mind. I'm sorry if you are offended - you asked for feedback but your reply sounds defensive. I assumed you were looking to improve it and I apologise if I got that wrong.

In reply to Alyson:

"A bogie is a wheeled wagon or trolley. In mechanics terms, a bogie is a chassis or framework carrying wheels, attached to a vehicle, thus serving as a modular subassembly of wheels and axles. "
Can see how the other kind of bogie really doesn't fit!
I too am unsure you need to use "poppy" 4 times but who knows.

In reply to ceri:

I did know that but only from googling, and it's a fairly obscure use of the word compared to other meanings. I actually love obscure language but I was trying to convey to paul why that line doesn't summon a coherent thought or image.

If he were incorporating a narrative then bogie would work better than it does because the meaning of unfamiliar words could be inferred, but the poem lacks narrative and is a series of impressions.

In reply to Alyson:

What the poem is,is open to interpretation,no matter how terrier -like you adhere to the notion that you know what it is.
Typical ukc discussion.What do you think is the core message of the poem,never mind the minutiae.

In reply to paul mitchell:

A bogie is a hardened lump of snot isn't it?

I don't see that you can complain about what people say, if you're going to past stuff on UKC and then you say "Typical ukc discussion."

Typical!! Someone moaning about someone not writing what I what to hear. Grrrr!!
Bloody UKC

In reply to paul mitchell:

A good poem will paint a picture and tell me something about the world or human condition.

You certainly understand rhythm and there are a lot of nicely worked phrases leading to a picture. However many of your lines are independent and do not tie directly to what's before and after giving the feel that the order, if changed, would little alter the poem. Each line should bring something unique to your picture and there is quite a lot of repetition of ideas (lines and phrases repeating what we already know rather than building on it). Tidy the language and be economical i.e. 'stink' is a repetition of 'fetid'. Metaphor is easy to overuse. Each instance should draw the reader closer to the picture and that is not always successful here. Alliteration, if used at all, should be sparing; it is clumsy in all but the most careful of instances.

If there is an underlying message here then it is lost on me. I read the poem and see your picture but I'm left wondering what insight I get into the condition. What do I know or understand better having read the poem that I didn't before? A poem can challenge through image alone, devoid of a universal truth, but the picture created has to be cohesive and yours wanders to much for this. Your imagery is compelling though and I think you should continue to work with this. Well done and a pleasure to read.

In reply to Toccata:
We rarely understand anything differently when we read a poem,especially as we get older.
Maybe it reawakens something in us or reminds us of different worlds or interpretations.
I won't be working the poem any further. As you change bits here and there the emotional power is often lost.
Stink is stink and fetid is fetid.Neither will be edited out.They are not the same thing.Sometimes I use a sledgehammer and sometimes a feather.
No poem is a cure all for everyone.One person hates what another loves.
A general rule for me is,will the reader read the poem through a second time?
As long as an image or idea lodges in the reader's mind,the poem has ''worked''.A poem with every line 'perfect' is rare indeed,and who is to judge?
Ta for the feedback.It does help to know what people think.The poem wanders deliberately.The issue of drug use is complex,with pros and cons.
The final image is intended to leave the reader to join the dots.If they can't,so be it.Clarity is not everything in poetry.Some of my poetry is brutally frank,and some audiences find THAT hard to deal with,while others applaud.

In reply to paul mitchell:
Well Paul......I like it.

It does tell a story for me although it took a few readings before it really started to open up, but thats not a bad thing.

I think the hardest part of writing is being willing to leave stuff out. Lines no doubt laboured over and hence a desire to leave them in. Alyson, above in the past has both convinced me of that and encouraged my endeavours. (Where are you poetry thread?)

I'm left with two comments or questions. It feels written by someone imagening taking herorine but without the experience. Not a critisism but I'd be interested if that's true and what an addict might identify with. Secondly some of the lines seem to try a little hard and work ok, but if you were to simplify, under the basis of the old addage less is more, would the effect of the whole not be more impacting?

Finally well done, it's tough to post your own work and take the comments. Please keep trying new work I'm sure there is much more you have yet to create.

Appologies for typos etc, posted from my mobile phone!