In reply to Goucho:
> OK, you probably need to have been around when Benny Hill's 'Ernie' was a giant amongst the pantheon of classic 70's Number 1's, but here it is adapted:-
> ERNIE, THE FASTEST CLIMBER IN THE WEST.
> You could hear the axes pound, as he swung them once then twice
> And the clatter of his crampons, as the front points kicked the ice
> As he galloped up the mountain, his slings across his chest
> His name was Ernie, and he was the fastest climber in the west
> Now Ernie loved a widow, a lady known as Sue
> She lived all alone in Grindelwald at number 22
> They said she was too good for him, she was haughty, proud and chic
> But Ernie got his axes sharpened three times every week
> They called him Ernie (Ernieeeeee)
> And he was the fastest climber in the West
> She said she’d like to bathe in beer, he said “I’ll wash your back”
> And when he’d finished climbing one night, he loaded up his sac
> He said “Do you want it bottled? Coz bottled beer is best
> She says “Ernie I’ll be happy if it comes up to me chest”
> That tickled old Ernie (Ernieeeee)
> And he was the fastest climber in the West
> Now Ernie had a rival, an evil looking man
> Called biceps Ed from Scheidegg, a big hard mountain man
> He tempted her with his pull-ups, with a weight belt filled with lead
> And when she seen the size of his massive thighs it very near turned her head
> She nearly swooned at his bridging moves and he said “If you treat me right”
> You’ll have ED1’s for breakfast, and ED2’s at night
> He knew once she’d sampled his Italian Hitch, he’d have his wicked way
> And all Ernie had to offer was a pint of beer a day
> Poor Ernie (Ernieeee)
> And he was the fastest climber in the west
> One lunch time Ed saw Ernie’s sac and ropes outside Sue’s door
> It drove him mad to see they were still there at half past four
> As he leapt down from his fingerboard hot blood through his veins did vent
> And he went over to Ernie’s sac and didn’t half kick his tent
> Who’s name was Vango (Vangoooo)
> And he housed the fastest climber in the west
> Now Ernie rushed into the street his ice axe in his hand
> He said “If you want to marry Sue, you’ll fight for her like a man”
> “Oh why don’t we just climb for her” Ed sneered across his face
> “And just to make it interesting, we’ll use the Eiger as a race
> Now Ed and Ernie rushed up to the bottom of the face
> As they both raced up the lower slopes, Ed increased his pace
> But Ernie was too quick, things didn’t go the way Ed planned
> Ernie reached the Difficult Crack first, and got the upper hand
> Now Ed he followed quickly, and beneath the Rhote Fluh
> He knocked Ernie off his balance, and then a piece of gear he threw
> As Ernie struggled with his placements, in the rock hard icy crust
> A Rock Number Five, caught him in the eye, and Ernie bit the dust
> Poor Ernie (Ernieeee)
> And he was the fastest climber in the West
> Ernie was only 32, he didn’t wanna die
> And now he’s gone to join the others on that belay in the sky
> Where every route is bombproof, and alpine storms are banned
> And a climbers life is full of fun in that airy fairy land
> But a woman’s needs are many fold, and soon she married Ed
> But strange things happened on their wedding night, as they lay in their bed
> Was that the wind a whistling, or the creaking of the door?
> Or Ernie’s ghostly crampons scraping on the floor?
> They won’t forget old Ernie (Ernieeee)
> And he was the fastest climber in the West!
Nice one G, is the weather bad there today?