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Hi,
Last week my wife lost her battle with cancer and I find myself in the very strange position of being a widow at the age of 33.
I am quite scared about the future to be honest and was just wondering if there are any fellow UKCers that have been through similar, how you coped, what you did, if you found it difficult meeting new people with the baggage of a deceased spouse?
I am lucky that she left me financially secure and I plan to use it to follow my dream of moving to the lakes where I have family anyway.
Not quite sure what I am asking for really, guess it would just be nice to hear from people who have bean through similar and what their experiences were.
Cheers
G
Last week my wife lost her battle with cancer and I find myself in the very strange position of being a widow at the age of 33.
I am quite scared about the future to be honest and was just wondering if there are any fellow UKCers that have been through similar, how you coped, what you did, if you found it difficult meeting new people with the baggage of a deceased spouse?
I am lucky that she left me financially secure and I plan to use it to follow my dream of moving to the lakes where I have family anyway.
Not quite sure what I am asking for really, guess it would just be nice to hear from people who have bean through similar and what their experiences were.
Cheers
G
In reply to CrushUnit:
Really sorry to hear this, a difficult subject to talk about, and this may be why the number of answers is low.
It's good your wife left you financially secure- was she in a profession? Their organisations (or yours) frequently have support to help spouses.
It's also good to have family nearby.
Do you have children? If so , look forwards.
If not, look at your past experiences with pleasure, and forwards to new beginnings.
I'm older than you, (but not necessarily wiser !) have lost parents early on, been divorced, other life stuff etc.....
Your wife was not baggage, but a part of you, and helped make you what you are, any potential and future aquaintances and life partners will accept and value this if they are worth your attention and friendship.
Do not rush into stuff now, take time to grieve and process the massive event that has passed.
My thoughts are with you.
Adrian- in Sheffield.
Really sorry to hear this, a difficult subject to talk about, and this may be why the number of answers is low.
It's good your wife left you financially secure- was she in a profession? Their organisations (or yours) frequently have support to help spouses.
It's also good to have family nearby.
Do you have children? If so , look forwards.
If not, look at your past experiences with pleasure, and forwards to new beginnings.
I'm older than you, (but not necessarily wiser !) have lost parents early on, been divorced, other life stuff etc.....
Your wife was not baggage, but a part of you, and helped make you what you are, any potential and future aquaintances and life partners will accept and value this if they are worth your attention and friendship.
Do not rush into stuff now, take time to grieve and process the massive event that has passed.
My thoughts are with you.
Adrian- in Sheffield.
1
In reply to Woodseats flapjack eater:
Cheers Adrian,
"Your wife was not baggage, but a part of you, and helped make you what you are, any potential and future aquaintances and life partners will accept and value this if they are worth your attention and friendship"
I like this sentiment.
Certainly I will not be rushing into anything, it is the first time in my adult life that I feel I have been truly on my own and I intend to embrace it and build a fulfilled life before bringing anyone else into it.
Thanks for taking the time to reply.
Cheers Adrian,
"Your wife was not baggage, but a part of you, and helped make you what you are, any potential and future aquaintances and life partners will accept and value this if they are worth your attention and friendship"
I like this sentiment.
Certainly I will not be rushing into anything, it is the first time in my adult life that I feel I have been truly on my own and I intend to embrace it and build a fulfilled life before bringing anyone else into it.
Thanks for taking the time to reply.
In reply to CrushUnit:
Sorry to hear about your loss
That sounds like a sensible and positive approach.
I have no direct experience myself, but my dad lost my mum when in his late 60's and has since gone on to have a happy and fulfilled retirement and last year celebrated his silver wedding with his second wife.
So no rush, and with the right approach plenty to look forward to.
Best wishes,
Sorry to hear about your loss
> Certainly I will not be rushing into anything, it is the first time in my adult life that I feel I have been truly on my own and I intend to embrace it and build a fulfilled life before bringing anyone else into it.
That sounds like a sensible and positive approach.
I have no direct experience myself, but my dad lost my mum when in his late 60's and has since gone on to have a happy and fulfilled retirement and last year celebrated his silver wedding with his second wife.
So no rush, and with the right approach plenty to look forward to.
Best wishes,
In reply to CrushUnit:
Floored by this - an unimaginable pain. I'm certain that there will be respondents to this who have been through the same experience and who will be able to help you enormously - although it may be that they'll be in touch privately. I just felt it churlish to ignore such a raw post and wanted to add to the previous poster's wonderful words.
I'm extremely lucky that both my wife and I are currently healthy, although we have suffered far too many other close bereavements in the last few years. I think the only advice I could give you is just to exist in the here and now for a while and allow yourself to properly grieve. You'll be healthier for doing so in the long run.
Floored by this - an unimaginable pain. I'm certain that there will be respondents to this who have been through the same experience and who will be able to help you enormously - although it may be that they'll be in touch privately. I just felt it churlish to ignore such a raw post and wanted to add to the previous poster's wonderful words.
I'm extremely lucky that both my wife and I are currently healthy, although we have suffered far too many other close bereavements in the last few years. I think the only advice I could give you is just to exist in the here and now for a while and allow yourself to properly grieve. You'll be healthier for doing so in the long run.
In reply to CrushUnit:
I am really sorry to read of your loss and feel for you.
I lost my partner to cancer when she was 48 and was devastated. For months I felt as though I was in a bad dream and I thought about her constantly. When people tried to be kind to me I disolved into tears.
Then one morning I woke up, had my shower, made breakfast and started driving to work with the radio on listening to music. Suddenly I realised that here I was way into the morning, and I hadn't thought about her from the moment I woke up. The healing system had started. I had begun to move on.
Of course I often think of her even now 25 years on, but it's with a feeling of happiness when I recall our times together. Life has moved on, I have been happy over the years, and am in a happy relationship now.
You are in the very early days now and the grieving is natural and painful, but believe me, you will get through it and move on. I think the experience of the life you had with her will enrich your future life for the better. It just takes time, but time is a great healer.
Be strong. Value your friends and indulge yourself when you want. Climbing and walking are great outlets particularly with good friends.
I am really sorry to read of your loss and feel for you.
I lost my partner to cancer when she was 48 and was devastated. For months I felt as though I was in a bad dream and I thought about her constantly. When people tried to be kind to me I disolved into tears.
Then one morning I woke up, had my shower, made breakfast and started driving to work with the radio on listening to music. Suddenly I realised that here I was way into the morning, and I hadn't thought about her from the moment I woke up. The healing system had started. I had begun to move on.
Of course I often think of her even now 25 years on, but it's with a feeling of happiness when I recall our times together. Life has moved on, I have been happy over the years, and am in a happy relationship now.
You are in the very early days now and the grieving is natural and painful, but believe me, you will get through it and move on. I think the experience of the life you had with her will enrich your future life for the better. It just takes time, but time is a great healer.
Be strong. Value your friends and indulge yourself when you want. Climbing and walking are great outlets particularly with good friends.
3
In reply to CrushUnit:
I am so sorry to read of your loss - it is the most unimaginable blow. I was widowed nine years ago at the age of 42, and with two quite young children. It has been incredibly difficult but I suppose I am also testament to the fact that we can survive this. Please feel free to pm me here.
I am so sorry to read of your loss - it is the most unimaginable blow. I was widowed nine years ago at the age of 42, and with two quite young children. It has been incredibly difficult but I suppose I am also testament to the fact that we can survive this. Please feel free to pm me here.
In reply to CrushUnit:
My wife died from cancer when I was 40 so I have some understanding of what you are going through, having said that everyone is different and copes differently. Feel free to take/reject any of the information I or others provide, you are you and what might be good/relevant for me/others may not be good/relevant for you.
1. I'd be very very concerned if you weren't worried about the future, you have been (and unless you are abnormal, are still going through one of the worst experiences life can throw at you). Keep being honest about how you feel.
2. I know and completely understand the feeling of being totally alone for the first time; your wife/lover/best friend/counselor (yes she was all of those things) has died and now when you need her most, through no fault of her own she can't help you. Whilst this might be hard to do, so soon after her death, try to change your perception a bit - are you really alone - look around, there are other people, many of them willing to help. Some may offer good help, some bad, some none - none of them know you/care about you like your wife did so you might need to actually spell out what help you need, especially with friends your own age as hopefully they will have no idea what you have/are experienced/ing.
A book that really helped me get my head around things was 'Death and how to survive it' by Kate Boydell. Not everything will fit with how you feel so again feel free to pick out the bits that help the most. Most of the information in the book can be found on http://www.merrywidow.me.uk/index.asp Kate's website - beware of the forum, lot's of good advice and support but don't forget that it is primarily used by people that are struggling rather than the many others that are coping. If I had to go though things again I'd probably buy 10 copies of the book and send to my 10 best friends.
Looking more into the future;
Don't be afraid to seek professional support, out of the 4 friends/family that I know who have lost a spouse under 45 yrs old we have all needed help either for grief, depression or PTSD - it's tough but we have all either rebuilt or are rebuilding our lives - it just takes time...
Don't overlook the trauma of what you have/are going through - if in a few months time you think you are coping with grief but being held back by intrusive memories talk to someone about those memories, if talking to friends/family about the memories doesn't work use a trauma specialist rather than a general counselor - talking doesn't always help it may be more about re-processing the memories into the past rather than present.
Finally - beware the females who are attracted to widowers... You can use it to your advantage or not; their motives may be honorable or not - you will have to work this out - no different from normal life - when you get this far give yourself a pat on the back 'You Have Survived'.
Pick out any of the above that helps, if you want to PM me please do.
Andy
My wife died from cancer when I was 40 so I have some understanding of what you are going through, having said that everyone is different and copes differently. Feel free to take/reject any of the information I or others provide, you are you and what might be good/relevant for me/others may not be good/relevant for you.
1. I'd be very very concerned if you weren't worried about the future, you have been (and unless you are abnormal, are still going through one of the worst experiences life can throw at you). Keep being honest about how you feel.
2. I know and completely understand the feeling of being totally alone for the first time; your wife/lover/best friend/counselor (yes she was all of those things) has died and now when you need her most, through no fault of her own she can't help you. Whilst this might be hard to do, so soon after her death, try to change your perception a bit - are you really alone - look around, there are other people, many of them willing to help. Some may offer good help, some bad, some none - none of them know you/care about you like your wife did so you might need to actually spell out what help you need, especially with friends your own age as hopefully they will have no idea what you have/are experienced/ing.
A book that really helped me get my head around things was 'Death and how to survive it' by Kate Boydell. Not everything will fit with how you feel so again feel free to pick out the bits that help the most. Most of the information in the book can be found on http://www.merrywidow.me.uk/index.asp Kate's website - beware of the forum, lot's of good advice and support but don't forget that it is primarily used by people that are struggling rather than the many others that are coping. If I had to go though things again I'd probably buy 10 copies of the book and send to my 10 best friends.
Looking more into the future;
Don't be afraid to seek professional support, out of the 4 friends/family that I know who have lost a spouse under 45 yrs old we have all needed help either for grief, depression or PTSD - it's tough but we have all either rebuilt or are rebuilding our lives - it just takes time...
Don't overlook the trauma of what you have/are going through - if in a few months time you think you are coping with grief but being held back by intrusive memories talk to someone about those memories, if talking to friends/family about the memories doesn't work use a trauma specialist rather than a general counselor - talking doesn't always help it may be more about re-processing the memories into the past rather than present.
Finally - beware the females who are attracted to widowers... You can use it to your advantage or not; their motives may be honorable or not - you will have to work this out - no different from normal life - when you get this far give yourself a pat on the back 'You Have Survived'.
Pick out any of the above that helps, if you want to PM me please do.
Andy
1
In reply to CrushUnit:
So sorry to hear this. A very dear friend of mine lost his partnerfiancée in his late 20s. It was awful, but life does go on and in time he met someone else and is now happily married.
So sorry to hear this. A very dear friend of mine lost his partnerfiancée in his late 20s. It was awful, but life does go on and in time he met someone else and is now happily married.
In reply to CrushUnit:
I was 37 years old when my husband died in 2005 after 10 years together. He had a brain tumour and had 9 months from diagnosis to death, including the normal rounds of chemo and radiotherapy. Ten years ago.
The first year was a blur of blackness. My mum said of me at the time "Alison hit the ground running and she hasn't stopped". I plunged into doing anything I could to avoid the black hole of empty time. If there was a course out there I signed up for it to try to escape the emptiness. I went kayaking, mountain biking, running, learned to climb, did poetry courses, went out to Vancouver with weird international guinea pig people, went away with the Walking Women group, joined widow groups. The first year was downright messy. I was skinnier, fitter and sadder than I'd ever been. I was a directionless mess who looked from the outside to be doing more than just holding it together but getting out there. My advice for the first year is to try to figure out what it means to "be kind to yourself" - I never quite got there. Being active was a bit better than the alternatives involving wine and decorating. Advice - don't even think about dating. Find activities where you'll find new people, the friends of your next decades. I found association with old friends really quite hard, memories, the fact that they were part of couples, the fact that during his illness we'd got a bit isolated and people seemed to have disappeared all made that quite hard. With new people I wasn't reminded of his absence, and could be the new person I was gradually (unwittingly and unwillingly) becoming.
The second, and third years were different, you'd kind of feel you were establishing a "new normal" and creating your own memories and then it would all feel bad and wrong and I'd dip quite badly because I actually when it came down to it didn't want a new normal, I wanted Dave back. Again advice here would be not to beat yourself up if you take a backwards slide in grieving.
Seven years in and I finally felt ready for change, and to make decisions for me which were different to the things we'd have decided as a couple. Thankfully finances were good from the life insurance and I hadn't made any rash decisions in the early years, other than paying off the mortgage. Resigned from my job, bought a camper van, went travelling, best way possible of saying I'm OK, I'm me, I'm in a good place and doing this for me.
Ten years this year, and this month my new fella is moving in with me. I sold the house I lived in with my husband and moved to a new place of my own. Dave's memory and bits and bobs of our joint life do move with me, but only subtle stuff, no shrines, no idolising him as perfect. Again advice is don't feel like you should try to forget, not for a minute, and don't think of valuable experience as being baggage either. If someone new can't handle it then they're probably not the right person.
I was 37 years old when my husband died in 2005 after 10 years together. He had a brain tumour and had 9 months from diagnosis to death, including the normal rounds of chemo and radiotherapy. Ten years ago.
The first year was a blur of blackness. My mum said of me at the time "Alison hit the ground running and she hasn't stopped". I plunged into doing anything I could to avoid the black hole of empty time. If there was a course out there I signed up for it to try to escape the emptiness. I went kayaking, mountain biking, running, learned to climb, did poetry courses, went out to Vancouver with weird international guinea pig people, went away with the Walking Women group, joined widow groups. The first year was downright messy. I was skinnier, fitter and sadder than I'd ever been. I was a directionless mess who looked from the outside to be doing more than just holding it together but getting out there. My advice for the first year is to try to figure out what it means to "be kind to yourself" - I never quite got there. Being active was a bit better than the alternatives involving wine and decorating. Advice - don't even think about dating. Find activities where you'll find new people, the friends of your next decades. I found association with old friends really quite hard, memories, the fact that they were part of couples, the fact that during his illness we'd got a bit isolated and people seemed to have disappeared all made that quite hard. With new people I wasn't reminded of his absence, and could be the new person I was gradually (unwittingly and unwillingly) becoming.
The second, and third years were different, you'd kind of feel you were establishing a "new normal" and creating your own memories and then it would all feel bad and wrong and I'd dip quite badly because I actually when it came down to it didn't want a new normal, I wanted Dave back. Again advice here would be not to beat yourself up if you take a backwards slide in grieving.
Seven years in and I finally felt ready for change, and to make decisions for me which were different to the things we'd have decided as a couple. Thankfully finances were good from the life insurance and I hadn't made any rash decisions in the early years, other than paying off the mortgage. Resigned from my job, bought a camper van, went travelling, best way possible of saying I'm OK, I'm me, I'm in a good place and doing this for me.
Ten years this year, and this month my new fella is moving in with me. I sold the house I lived in with my husband and moved to a new place of my own. Dave's memory and bits and bobs of our joint life do move with me, but only subtle stuff, no shrines, no idolising him as perfect. Again advice is don't feel like you should try to forget, not for a minute, and don't think of valuable experience as being baggage either. If someone new can't handle it then they're probably not the right person.
12
In reply to CrushUnit:
Thank you all so much for taking time to reply to me, it really means a lot. The one positive I have found from this whole situation is the kindness and goodness I have seen people show, it really has been overwhelming.
Lots of your comments have been very helpful to read and give me hope that the future can be a positive one.
Everyone is different in the way they grieve and as one of the nurses at the hospice said, some people start the grieving process long before the person is gone. I am filled with happy memories of her and the sadness, though it hits like a tidal wave, is far outweighed by all the great memories I have of her and I, Its very early days but I hope I can sustain this going forward.
After 2 years of only seeing her pain, that was the unbearable part, my own suffering feels quite easy in comparison.
I will try to be kind to myself and I feel I have 2 lives I have to live for now. Think I will just keep taking things a day at a time and when it gets tough, take it 5 mins at a time.
Again thank you all so very much, human beings have such capacity for kindness.
Gx
Thank you all so much for taking time to reply to me, it really means a lot. The one positive I have found from this whole situation is the kindness and goodness I have seen people show, it really has been overwhelming.
Lots of your comments have been very helpful to read and give me hope that the future can be a positive one.
Everyone is different in the way they grieve and as one of the nurses at the hospice said, some people start the grieving process long before the person is gone. I am filled with happy memories of her and the sadness, though it hits like a tidal wave, is far outweighed by all the great memories I have of her and I, Its very early days but I hope I can sustain this going forward.
After 2 years of only seeing her pain, that was the unbearable part, my own suffering feels quite easy in comparison.
I will try to be kind to myself and I feel I have 2 lives I have to live for now. Think I will just keep taking things a day at a time and when it gets tough, take it 5 mins at a time.
Again thank you all so very much, human beings have such capacity for kindness.
Gx
In reply to CrushUnit:
I'm very sorry about your situation. Lost my partner aged 46 yr to cancer some four years ago now so I know partly what your feeling and thinking.
It's different for everyone so don't really know what to say, that others have not said, other than it does get better, and folk often say the wrong things without meaning so don't take casual comments to heart. Also some folk do find it hard when you keep mentioned her name, but that's their problem as she was part of your life - again don't think too much about that.
I found it was the small things like finding things forgotten about suddenly brought memories flooding back. Good memories are good, the not so good need to be acknowledged and quickly moved on.
Keep up your hobbies, friends, etc, and even take up new ones. She would want you to keep going I'm sure.
Look after yourself, take care.
I'm very sorry about your situation. Lost my partner aged 46 yr to cancer some four years ago now so I know partly what your feeling and thinking.
It's different for everyone so don't really know what to say, that others have not said, other than it does get better, and folk often say the wrong things without meaning so don't take casual comments to heart. Also some folk do find it hard when you keep mentioned her name, but that's their problem as she was part of your life - again don't think too much about that.
I found it was the small things like finding things forgotten about suddenly brought memories flooding back. Good memories are good, the not so good need to be acknowledged and quickly moved on.
Keep up your hobbies, friends, etc, and even take up new ones. She would want you to keep going I'm sure.
Look after yourself, take care.
In reply to CrushUnit:
From what you say all your reactions are normal (bearing in mind the abnormal circumstances). You are doing ok.
If you started to grieve before your wife died then listen to the hospice nurse and don't ponder further - it's fairly normal and something I did.
Try not to belittle your own suffering/pain - difficult under the circumstances I know.
Edit:
One other thing that might help going forwards, when the sadness hits try to surf the wave. Picture yourself riding the wave on a surfboard and being proud about how you have got everything right/are coping (ignore what has happened in the past just concentrate on the moment).
From what you say all your reactions are normal (bearing in mind the abnormal circumstances). You are doing ok.
If you started to grieve before your wife died then listen to the hospice nurse and don't ponder further - it's fairly normal and something I did.
Try not to belittle your own suffering/pain - difficult under the circumstances I know.
Edit:
One other thing that might help going forwards, when the sadness hits try to surf the wave. Picture yourself riding the wave on a surfboard and being proud about how you have got everything right/are coping (ignore what has happened in the past just concentrate on the moment).
Post edited at 21:50
In reply to CrushUnit:
I am truly sorry to hear of your loss and touched by all the kind and open advice offered by others.
I can't begin to compare to your situation, however, one thing I have found over the years is that real friends don't judge. Be yourself, do what feels right to you and don't worry what others think, as inevitably they will be supportive and only want the best for you and for you to be happy.
Best off luck - it'll be tough - don't be afraid to admit that and, as other have said, some professional help is often hugely beneficial. Talking to friends is great, but sometimes you feel like a bit of a burden, but there is none of that with a psychologist and it also gives some structure to your thinking / healing.
Take care.
I am truly sorry to hear of your loss and touched by all the kind and open advice offered by others.
I can't begin to compare to your situation, however, one thing I have found over the years is that real friends don't judge. Be yourself, do what feels right to you and don't worry what others think, as inevitably they will be supportive and only want the best for you and for you to be happy.
Best off luck - it'll be tough - don't be afraid to admit that and, as other have said, some professional help is often hugely beneficial. Talking to friends is great, but sometimes you feel like a bit of a burden, but there is none of that with a psychologist and it also gives some structure to your thinking / healing.
Take care.
In reply to CrushUnit:
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. As everyone else has said, give yourself time. I'm not sure if it's too early for you to read this letter I read yesterday, but I post it to let you know that you are not alone and nor should you shoulder what you are going through alone.
While I'm lucky to have my partner with me, I lost my father at 21 and it was a life-changing moment. I still feel the pain of it and I miss him terribly, but have wonderful memories that I will always cherish. So for what it's worth, it's ok to feel sad, you probably will for a long time and have moments when it overwhelms you and that's ok. While it never goes away completely you will come through it and it will get easier.
http://www.lettersofnote.com/2012/02/i-love-my-wife-my-wife-is-dead.html
NB: Feynman went on to remarry too.
Best wishes
lynda
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. As everyone else has said, give yourself time. I'm not sure if it's too early for you to read this letter I read yesterday, but I post it to let you know that you are not alone and nor should you shoulder what you are going through alone.
While I'm lucky to have my partner with me, I lost my father at 21 and it was a life-changing moment. I still feel the pain of it and I miss him terribly, but have wonderful memories that I will always cherish. So for what it's worth, it's ok to feel sad, you probably will for a long time and have moments when it overwhelms you and that's ok. While it never goes away completely you will come through it and it will get easier.
http://www.lettersofnote.com/2012/02/i-love-my-wife-my-wife-is-dead.html
NB: Feynman went on to remarry too.
Best wishes
lynda
In reply to CrushUnit:
I'm very sorry to hear of your loss.
My partner became a widow at the age of 37. I can obviously not describe accurately what he went through and I'm not going to try.
I would really like to agree with the sentiment above: "Your wife was not baggage, but a part of you, and helped make you what you are, any potential and future aquaintances and life partners will accept and value this if they are worth your attention and friendship"
This is exactly how I feel about my partner's wife. She is certainly not baggage. The experience of caring for his wife and losing her made my partner who he is and I wouldn't want him to be anyone else.
I would also comment that when the time comes and you do feel ready to move on, ignore well-meaning comments from family and friends and just do what feels right to you. At the time we were getting together, we had friends trying to push us together "because he needs someone else", friends telling me I should run because "what if he's just seeing you to fill a gap", my Mum telling me that I shouldn't see him until he took his wedding photo down. All of it well-meaning but none of it actually helpful. When the time comes, just ignore all that and move at whatever pace you feel most comfortable at.
Best of luck for the future.
I'm very sorry to hear of your loss.
My partner became a widow at the age of 37. I can obviously not describe accurately what he went through and I'm not going to try.
I would really like to agree with the sentiment above: "Your wife was not baggage, but a part of you, and helped make you what you are, any potential and future aquaintances and life partners will accept and value this if they are worth your attention and friendship"
This is exactly how I feel about my partner's wife. She is certainly not baggage. The experience of caring for his wife and losing her made my partner who he is and I wouldn't want him to be anyone else.
I would also comment that when the time comes and you do feel ready to move on, ignore well-meaning comments from family and friends and just do what feels right to you. At the time we were getting together, we had friends trying to push us together "because he needs someone else", friends telling me I should run because "what if he's just seeing you to fill a gap", my Mum telling me that I shouldn't see him until he took his wedding photo down. All of it well-meaning but none of it actually helpful. When the time comes, just ignore all that and move at whatever pace you feel most comfortable at.
Best of luck for the future.
2
In reply to kathrync:
My friend also had lots of well meant but tactless advice. Its nice that people care but sometimes they should maybe not say it quite so much in detail.
Many years on we all remember his fiancée, but we also all love his wife. She is a different personality but equally suitable for him in a different way. I hope things are easier now with you too now that people see it is OK.
To the OP
The baggage thing, we all have our pasts. I expect there are occasions where a late wife is something difficult for a new partner to deal with, but remember that many people get divorced at your age and ex wives are probably more trouble!!! I hope that's not an offensive thing to say. I just want you to know that I deal with the ongoing issues of having my step daughters mum as part of my life because I love my husband and my step daughter. For the right person at the right time your late wife won't put her off.
My friend also had lots of well meant but tactless advice. Its nice that people care but sometimes they should maybe not say it quite so much in detail.
Many years on we all remember his fiancée, but we also all love his wife. She is a different personality but equally suitable for him in a different way. I hope things are easier now with you too now that people see it is OK.
To the OP
The baggage thing, we all have our pasts. I expect there are occasions where a late wife is something difficult for a new partner to deal with, but remember that many people get divorced at your age and ex wives are probably more trouble!!! I hope that's not an offensive thing to say. I just want you to know that I deal with the ongoing issues of having my step daughters mum as part of my life because I love my husband and my step daughter. For the right person at the right time your late wife won't put her off.
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