Following on from the soon to be published 'Trad for Old Gits' series of Guides, along with my Co Editor, Charlton Chestwig, we are planning a new guide to Trad for Sport climbers.
We have secured the services of Peregrine Walpole Plunderthunk, the emeritus professor of mathematics and expert statistician at the Norman Wisdom University in Albania.
He will convert all trad grades to unquestionably accurate sport grades, using a highly complex combination of algebra, data modeling and a wet finger in a wind tunnel.
Every trad route in Britain will have its grade accurately calibrated to sport grades.
As gritstone is often a bet noir for sport climbers taking their first tentative steps on trad, all VS's will be graded a minimum of F6C, so that wall bred climbers are not harmed psychologically when failing to apply their 7a indoor wall grade to outdoor trad, and get spanked on Central Trinity at Stanage.
Using the latest technology, every crag and route in Britain will be laser profiled and measured by a team of scientists and surveyors to an accuracy of less than 2 millimeters, with the angle of every 6 inches of a route measured to within 0.001 of a degree.
All holds will me measured for size, angle, rotation, friction and grip factor, and using 3d imaging, the size and position of every gear placement will be recorded and numbered. Additional tick marks containing exact nut/cam size will be put next to every placement and on every route by a team of volunteers.
Grayson Perry will be producing diagrams showing the exact sequence of moves required for the crux of every route, and as an additional bonus, will also be designing a range of limited edition bedside table lamps to aid reading of the guide at night.
As an additional aid, photos of bolts using the latest 3d printing technology will be placed next to every placement, in order to acclimatise sport climbers to placing their own gear, and also give them something to aim for.
While pre-placement of all gear would be the ideal scenario, we unfortunately do not have the funds to equip all routes, and also, the risk of the gear being plundered as 'crag swag' means that the ongoing cost of re-equipping routes would be prohibitive. Also, it would be likely to cause consternation amongst older climbers, still coming to terms with the demise of EB's and hemp ropes.
There will also be a section on transportation of bouldering mats and chalk buckets, on public transport, and also a feature on the 10 must have diesel cars when you need to transport 4 climbers, twenty eight mats and sixteen beany hats for a days 'highballing' in the peak.
All in all, I think this will be THE guide that leaves absolutely nothing to either chance, or imagination.
Post edited at 14:14
