In reply to TheDrunkenBakers:
> It could even be almost exclusively your fault and only partially related to her behaviour.
> Ive thought about this long and hard and I am my own worse critic but I have to say that whilst my reaction to situations doesnt probably help, the situations (to my mind at least) need reacting to.
Could you think about counting to ten, and about finding a calmer way to react, perhaps? It might be that your daughter does something during a moment when she isn't too self controlled, or from being triggered by something sibling rivalry related, and then feels like you 'don't understand her' when you react to it?
> At times, very stressful.
I guess that won't be helping at times. Some things which come to mind is how my mother and I used to clash and end up shouting amd falling out, more so than I did with my dad who could seem a bit fairer and calmer at times (in hind sight, I think the parent who does more of the 'active parenting' is probably more likely to have moments of not seeming as fair), until we reached a mutual understanding that we were probably too alike, and after that we didn't seem to annoy each other in quite the same way, and also my dad used to sometimes grumble about one of my brothers, and my mum would say 'You are very alike, you know' and he'd respond 'I know, that's why I find him so irritating' - to do with inefficiencies or not being organised.
I'm almost wondering if the way your daughter acts which you feel needs reacting to, could be something which irritates you about yourself? Or if that's not the case, then trying to find where what your daughter does comes from could be a route to finding more harmony, so that you can understand why even if you don't like what she does so much.
Post edited at 11:45