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Au naturel: Moss instead of toilet paper

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 nextural 20 Jul 2020

Hi Hivemind,

I'm tired and can't think of any suitable puns, but the grit of it is: 

What's the consensus of using moss instead of toilet paper? Assuming usual protocols are followed, digging a pit and burying the waste etc. Moss worked great for millennia and minimises human impact.

1st every corner of the Internet talked about toilet paper, now its biodegredable toilet paper, but aren't we all missing a trick?

Are there any scary negatives? Waiting ticks? Rare diseases?


 

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 Cog 20 Jul 2020
In reply to nextural:

Got a tick last time I used it, washing with water might be safer.

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 Lankyman 20 Jul 2020
In reply to nextural:

Scary negatives? Not in my experience, unless you're alarmed about cruds and dangleberries .... A crack-and-sac job might help?

The worst I ever had to use was lichen - a whole new world of gravel rash.

Post edited at 17:51
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In reply to nextural:

I never carry paper and always rely on vegetation in the outdoors. Moss is certainly the most luxurious way of wiping one's arse, but I do sometimes wonder whether it is right to use such a slow growing plant, and prefer to opt for grass in more fragile mountain areas. If vegetation is not available or not appropriate, I just use stones.

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In reply to Lankyman:

> The worst I ever had to use was lichen - a whole new world of gravel rash.

Worse than heather?

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 wercat 20 Jul 2020
In reply to Robert Durran:

whore frost works too

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 ianstevens 20 Jul 2020
In reply to nextural:

Absolutely no negatives, if I can ever afford a house of my own my bathroom will have a moss wall in I an readily source from so I never need to buy paper again.

The highlight of a wilderpoo for me is the moss wipe.

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 Sl@te Head 20 Jul 2020
In reply to Robert Durran:

> but I do sometimes wonder whether it is right to use such a slow growing plant, and prefer to opt for grass in more fragile mountain areas. 

I've been spending some time up at Ffynnon Lloer above Ogwen recently, the moss up there is incredibly rare, the thought of someone wild camping up there and using it to wipe their arse is horrific!

Not the best video but it does explain that not all moss is equal....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZvWy-UTPnc&

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In reply to wercat:

> whore frost works too

Rime surely? In fact a compacted snowball is ideal. It has all the advantages of water without getting shitty fingers and can be V-shaped to one's arse's specifications. 

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In reply to Robert Durran:

>  Moss is certainly the most luxurious way of wiping one's arse, but I do sometimes wonder whether it is right to use such a slow growing plant, and prefer to opt for grass in more fragile mountain areas. 

According to some mad French monk who wrote a book about two giants and their adventures, the best toilet paper is a gooses neck:

“But, to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains.”

As for damaging moss, why not wipe with it in situ? 

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In reply to nextural:

Round stones are the way to go. Collect a selection in advance of various sizes.

Post edited at 18:18
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 Lankyman 20 Jul 2020
In reply to Robert Durran:

> Worse than heather?


Especially, when it's still attached to the rock. Heather is 'ivory quilted' by comparison I think. Ferns are surprisingly effective, particularly when wet. I know ticks might seem an issue but I've never gotten one while arse wiping - maybe ticks can sense it's not a good way to go?

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 bruxist 20 Jul 2020
In reply to nextural:

It's a bit of a niche subject, but I believe the literary authority on such matters is Stephen Pern, who discusses various options in his account of walking the Continental Divide. You might enjoy the following passage; he certainly seems to.

"I never used paper - it is a hassle to bury and alternatives were always to hand, of which by far the best were rocks. A lichen covered stone is the equal to any tissue on the market; dry twigs are no worse than old-fashioned hard paper; but foliage, which might seem to be the most suitable, is often the least good of all, and especially bad from this point of view is spruce [...] There had been no loose stones within reach and, having broken off an intrusive frond, I now steeled myself for the application which hygiene demanded. Englemann spruce is about as soothing as a stiff wire brush, but the expected scourging did not come. I even experienced slight pleasure. I looked sharply down at the frond in my hand and then glanced up at the tree. It looked no different from the rest, but my backside had insisted otherwise. It was actually a fir, one of the seventeen sorts of conifer I eventually encountered. By the end of the journey I could tell them apart with my eyes shut."

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 Rigid Raider 20 Jul 2020
In reply to Lankyman:

You're all wrong. If your position is right your anatomy will allow you to nip it off cleanly with no need for extended cleansing.

I was once sitting in my agent's car stuck in one of the interminable traffic jams in Lagos. Pedestrians were thronging around the car in an incredible hubub of shouts and human interaction. Suddenly a man stopped beside the car, lifted his robe, squatted, nipped one off on the road and rose and walked away in such a smooth movement that it was a few moments before I even realised what he had done. He certainly didn't need to sit for 20 minutes with a copy of Private Eye like I do.

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 Eric9Points 20 Jul 2020
In reply to Robert Durran:

Agreed.

I wonder if one could make a snow machine that would fit into a normal bathroom. Not only is it incredibly effective but there's no risk of blocking the cludge.

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 Fredt 20 Jul 2020
In reply to nextural:

3 shells method.

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In reply to nextural:

Use the "Asian method", i.e. wash with water.

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 Wooj 20 Jul 2020
In reply to wercat:

I think you mean “Hoar” frost.

wiping ones arse with a frosty whore isn’t recommended. 

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 Ridge 20 Jul 2020
In reply to Wooj:

> I think you mean “Hoar” frost.

> wiping ones arse with a frosty whore isn’t recommended. 

Don't knock it till you try it...

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In reply to Robert Durran:

Surely a healthy diet and a healthy gut means little or no wiping required ? 

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 Myfyr Tomos 20 Jul 2020
In reply to nextural:

Where's Num Num when we need him?

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In reply to Myfyr Tomos:

> Where's Num Num when we need him?

Mrs num num has gone feral again and he's too busy trying to sort out that shit storm to post on UKC.

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 Cobra_Head 21 Jul 2020
In reply to nextural:

Fire and lots of it.

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 malky_c 21 Jul 2020
In reply to nextural:

Personally I prefer to use moss, grass or leaves for the main job then clean up with a wet wipe afterwards...which I then put into a freezer bag for disposal back home. I'm sure I have buried toilet paper in the past, but thinking back, it's far too much like littering for my liking.

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 Lankyman 21 Jul 2020
In reply to nextural:

When I was a kid we had a dog who used to eat sh*t. If they'd bred from him there'd now be a much sought after breed of outdoor dog. A shitapoo?

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 coldfell 21 Jul 2020
In reply to Lankyman:

There is such a dog - a labrador! Apart from that delightful habit - perfect.

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In reply to MG:

> Round stones are the way to go. Collect a selection in advance of various sizes.


Surely they simply smear it? I'd use a stone with an edge (see the 3 shells method).

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 ianstevens 21 Jul 2020
In reply to Sl@te Head:

> I've been spending some time up at Ffynnon Lloer above Ogwen recently, the moss up there is incredibly rare, the thought of someone wild camping up there and using it to wipe their arse is horrific!

> Not the best video but it does explain that not all moss is equal....

It’s not equal, fortunately the near-ubiquitous Sphagnum gives the finest wipe

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 plyometrics 21 Jul 2020
In reply to nextural:

> Hi Hivemind,

> What's the consensus of using moss instead of toilet paper? 

Stirling idea.  

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 wercat 21 Jul 2020
In reply to Wooj:

the spaelling was by choice!

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 wercat 21 Jul 2020
In reply to ianstevens:

sphagnum is the conoisseur's wipe.

 you could use soil to clean your weapon after you've used it

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In reply to Toerag:

>  I'd use a stone with an edge 


There’s nowt better than a good schist .

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In reply to malky_c:

> ...it's far too much like littering for my liking.

Tollund Man was found to have a roll of Izal Medicated with him.  Rumour has it that’s were the phrase Bog Roll comes from.

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 Dave the Rave 21 Jul 2020
In reply to nextural:

My nightly sphagnum and wild shit is well looked forward to, and as the mrs is into pegging, a weevil scurrying up me arse is the least of my worries.

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In reply to Robert Durran:

> If vegetation is not available or not appropriate, I just use stones.

Thats gneiss.

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 GerM 22 Jul 2020
In reply to nextural:

Dare I say it? It's the latest outdoor trend - Wild Pooing.

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 Rob Naylor 22 Jul 2020
In reply to GerM:

Not really the "latest" trend. Kathleen Meyer's acclaimed book "How To Shit In The Woods" was published in 1989!

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 ianstevens 22 Jul 2020
In reply to GerM:

Does this make me a hipster for extolling its virtues for the past 15 years?

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 GMohr 22 Jul 2020
In reply to nextural:

A new trend to go with wild camping and wild cycling.. 

Wild shitting. 

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In reply to Toerag:

> Surely they simply smear it? I'd use a stone with an edge (see the 3 shells method).

Seem effective. Fine grained sandstone is ideal. Limestone perhaps a bit smeary, as you suggest. Schist is a bit sharp and risky.

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 Lankyman 22 Jul 2020
In reply to MG:

> Round stones are the way to go. Collect a selection in advance of various sizes.


So if you were caught short and needed some in a hurry, you'd have to 'pebble dash' to avoid pebbledashing your undies.

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 nufkin 22 Jul 2020
In reply to Rigid Raider:

>  Suddenly a man stopped beside the car, lifted his robe, squatted, nipped one off on the road

Perhaps there'd be a market among UKCers for a technical kilt?

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 wercat 22 Jul 2020
In reply to GerM:

Poo Bare?

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In reply to GMohr:

> A new trend to go with wild camping and wild cycling.. 

Not that new: it had already been trendy for 9 hours and 27 minutes...

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 GMohr 22 Jul 2020
In reply to mick taylor:

Ahh, must read all the comments on a thread in future 😂

Always someone that's done it first with trends! 

Post edited at 12:47
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In reply to nextural:

Just be sure not to mistake giant hogweed for dock leaves...

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 nextural 23 Jul 2020

This has exceeded my wildest comedic dreams. Thank you all.

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 Frank R. 25 Jul 2020
In reply to GMohr:

> A new trend to go with wild camping and wild cycling.. 

> Wild shitting. 

Just wait till the inevitable articles in mainstream lifestyle mags appear and #glamshitting starts trending on insta, there will be no moss left anywhere...

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 Diddy 26 Jul 2020

I think he meant.. hoar frost

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 Diddy 26 Jul 2020

A slight application of vaseline pre poo, no paper required unless previous Vindaloo. A search for fine stone prior, use and throw as far as possible

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 J Whittaker 26 Jul 2020
In reply to nextural:

Sphagnum moss is natures wet wipe.

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 wercat 26 Jul 2020
In reply to Diddy:

I did, but I chose an alternative spelling

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 jdh90 27 Jul 2020
In reply to nextural:

My experiences with wild poos are:

Moss - good, especially if damp, but beware plucking it up with soil attached or esle it can make the clean up job bigger.  I'd never considered ticks and now might reconsider in future.

Grass and lichen - a lot more abrasive than I expected.

Snow - refreshing, but the experience hinges on the crystalline structure.  Compacted powder beats moss.  Neve is worse than Lichen.

A DIY "sanitising wet wipe" fashioned from antibacterial alcohol gel smeared onto a tissue - NEVER AGAIN.  Felt like a swarm of wasps had directly attacked my anus, and the pleasant warming afterglow wasn't worth the up-front searing pain.  The litter burned very well though.

Bear in mind the modern sewerage system can't really handle anything that doesn't disintegrate on flush so there is little room to innovate from the humble bog roll.  The "flushable" wet wipe (cotton bud, inter-dental toothbrush....) is considered devil spawn by the unfortunate individual tasked with clearing the pumps and screens at the local wastewater works.  So think twice about adopting these practices at home - especially the pebbles.

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 GreatApe 28 Jul 2020
In reply to nextural:

I have never wiped my bum with anything as effective or delightful as sphagnum moss. Nature's wet wipe: one wipe and you're done.

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In reply to nextural:

If I have to go outside (and I have been quite successful recently in avoiding this, as a runner) , then I use whatever green stuff is to hand. Never toilet paper. Sphagnum moss or large soft leaves are best, shiny leaves such as Hart's tongue fern aren't quite as good and bracken is the worst. I have never tried stones.

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 Scott K 06 Aug 2020
In reply to mbh:

Remind me not to leave my green buff near you!!

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