Loading Notifications...

Advice re. my partner's behaviour please

Please Register as a New User in order to reply to this topic.
 Bilberry 27 Jun 2020

There's always some good advice on here, so here goes.

We've been together about 5 years, and I do love him, even though the relationship is problematic in lots of ways.  Probably the biggest issue is that the relationship is entirely on his terms.  I'm expected to guess what's on his mind and, although he's quite a good listener, he never gives me a clear opinion.  He comes and goes as he pleases and never really tells me where or who he's seen.

He can be very affectionate, but it can change in an instant to distain.  Also, he likes to watch TV but I have to get all the food ready, which seems quite unfair (and he never offers to pay for anything).  Sometimes I think he does care - he was very attentive when I was ill recently - but it's quite inconsistent and other times I think he's just manipulating me.

.

.

.

Should I get a dog instead?

Report
In reply to Bilberry:

Where do you want to be in 5 year's time relationship-wise? You mentioned him not wanting to pay for anything, how does your financial input into the relationship compare to his?

Do you have time to walk a dog, and outdoor space? Would a dog improve your life, or would a different boyfriend be a better option?

Report
 Bilberry 27 Jun 2020
In reply to Toerag:

Instead of a cat?

Report
 Lankyman 27 Jun 2020
In reply to Bilberry:

All of my cats have been completely different to each other but only one of them peed on the digibox. You couldn't help but love his attitude and I do miss him.

Report
 waitout 27 Jun 2020
In reply to Bilberry:

without common decency love is a curse.

Report
 webbo 27 Jun 2020
In reply to Bilberry:

Get a Flea as you appear to like parasites. ;)

Report
 Stichtplate 27 Jun 2020
In reply to Bilberry:

I had exactly the same issues. Binned her briefly but it made no impact on her behaviour.


Report
 profitofdoom 27 Jun 2020
In reply to Bilberry:

That sounds like a pretty unbalanced relationship to me. And these imbalances clearly matter to you. If that was me, I'd be thinking "Time for a change or an exit"

Good luck anyway 

Report
In reply to Bilberry:

I'm not much use for relationship advice, but I wouldn't overlook the advantages of being able to do whatever the f*ck you like, whenever you like. Why wait until the weekend to indulge in crack and male escorts? Who says smoking opium in the bath is decadent, and one should, at the very least, load the dishwasher first?

Remember, a cat or dog puts limitations on this - you need to feed and exercise them.

Post edited at 22:25
Report
 Tom V 27 Jun 2020
In reply to Jon Stewart:

I haven't seen a lot of people exercising cats lately- they seem to find their way on to my vegetable patch without much in the way of human guidance or assistance. 

Report
 Darron 27 Jun 2020
In reply to Bilberry:

Sounds difficult but as regards advice....talk. Then talk some more. Then think. Hope it works out.

Report
 toad 27 Jun 2020
In reply to Darron:

I think half a side of salmon would be more likely to get results.

No. What am I saying? Selfish little turds, everyone. Get a labrador ;)

Report
 Stichtplate 27 Jun 2020
In reply to Bilberry:

I am amused at the number of intelligent and thoughtful posters who can't read between the lines

Report
In reply to Stichtplate:

Haha! It needed pointing out  

Report
 nufkin 27 Jun 2020
In reply to Stichtplate:

I think people might still have their 'serious and concerned' hats on from the other thread:

https://www.ukclimbing.com/forums/running/advice_on_gaining_ownership_of_my_running_pls-721101

Report
 Stichtplate 27 Jun 2020
In reply to nufkin:

> I think people might still have their 'serious and concerned' hats on from the other thread:

Hmm....I perhaps have a problem. I read that entire OP as satire too. I even sniggered a little bit.

Report
 Stichtplate 27 Jun 2020
In reply to Jon Stewart:

> Haha! It needed pointing out  

...and smoking opium in the bath? Are you related to Rory Stewart by any chance?

Report
In reply to Stichtplate:

> ...and smoking opium in the bath? Are you related to Rory Stewart by any chance?

No, but Keith Vaz and I are good mates...

> Why wait until the weekend to indulge in crack and male escorts?

Report
 Darron 27 Jun 2020
In reply to Stichtplate:

Oh right. I get it now. Fool am I. 

OP: if you have a genuine problem in the future I’ll still try to help out. Could you flag your trolls though?Ta. Most helpful.

Report
 Stichtplate 27 Jun 2020
In reply to Jon Stewart:

Report
 Mical 28 Jun 2020
In reply to Bilberry:

Best to keep him but have an open relationship. Depending how much of an atitude change you need in your partner a tortoise may be OK.👍😂

Report
 Bilberry 28 Jun 2020
In reply to Darron:

> Oh right. I get it now. Fool am I. 

Didn't intend for anyone to feel foolish.

> OP: if you have a genuine problem in the future I’ll still try to help out. Could you flag your trolls though?Ta. Most helpful.

I thought I had!  The vertical ellipsis followed by the comment about a dog instead, was supposed to signify the punchline.  Wasn't my intention for it to be a troll.  Apologies for appearing that way.

Report
 Baron Weasel 28 Jun 2020
In reply to Bilberry:

Reminds me of one doing the rounds on Facebook:

My child has stopped eating meat, what can I replace it with?

A dog, dogs love meat! 

Report
In reply to Bilberry:

It took me a while to realise the theme of the post. I was all for believing it as, sadly, I know someone who is married and in exactly the same situation with their spouse.

Report
 doz 28 Jun 2020
In reply to Bilberry:

You think you've got a problem-

I seem to have ended up in a threesome....

Report
In reply to Bilberry:

>Should I get a dog instead?

Of course. You know it yourself.

jcm

Report
In reply to Bilberry:

Never flag a troll! That would be missing the point 

Report
 jess13 28 Jun 2020
In reply to Bilberry:

Advantages and disadvantages of dogs and cats

Dogs always love you cats prefer that you love them.

Dogs eat everything cats are fussy-just listen to the cat owners down the catfood aisle in the supermarket.

Dogs are thick, cats think they have a superior intelligence.

Dogs have to be taken for a walk and you have to pick their crap up, cats do their own thing and hopefully in someone else's garden.

Report
 mack 28 Jun 2020
In reply to jess13:

> Advantages and disadvantages of dogs and cats

> Dogs always love you cats prefer that you love them.

> Dogs eat everything cats are fussy-just listen to the cat owners down the catfood aisle in the supermarket.

> Dogs are thick, cats think they have a superior intelligence.

> Dogs have to be taken for a walk and you have to pick their crap up, cats do their own thing and hopefully in someone else's garden.

Dogs are loyal, cats don't give a toss about you.

Dogs can be stroked for hours and love it, cats can only be stroked until their fickle brains decide otherwise than you get your hand full of teeth and claws.

Report
 Timmd 28 Jun 2020
In reply to mack:

You need to be in tune with 'cat vibes' to avoid the handful of teeth and claw I have learned by ending up with a handful when I was younger, they go from chilled to not so chilled before they attack. 

As some of my more hippy friends might put it, you need to be in tune with their energy - but I don't think crystals help.

Post edited at 13:32
Report
In reply to Bilberry:

Cats were worshiped as goddesses in Ancient Egypt. Cats have never forgotten that!

Report
 wercat 28 Jun 2020
In reply to Stichtplate:

> I had exactly the same issues. Binned her briefly but it made no impact on her behaviour.


Awwwww....

Report
 wercat 28 Jun 2020
In reply to mack:

>  cats can only be stroked until their fickle brains decide otherwise than you get your hand full of teeth and claws.

it's a kind of love

Report
 mack 28 Jun 2020
In reply to Timmd:

I'm not convinced that applies to most cats. And it doesn't alter the fact that cats can go from 'Stroke me' to 'Have at thee varmint' in a split second, whereas dogs are mostly just dopey and drooly and love you forever. =)

PS I don't have a dog or cat.

Report
 mack 28 Jun 2020
In reply to wercat:

Have a like =)

Report
 peppermill 28 Jun 2020
In reply to Bilberry:

Cats are far too human in their mindset and behaviour. I'm convinced this is why loads of people don't like cats. 

That and the suspicion that many would murder their owners in their sleep if they were just a little bit bigger and stronger ;p

Report
 Chris H 28 Jun 2020
In reply to Bilberry:

LTB

Report
 Timmd 28 Jun 2020
In reply to mack:

There is a pause and a stiffening of their body which can go between 'chilled and mmm' to 'argh I bite and scratch you'. I don't have a dog or cat either. 

Post edited at 14:27
Report
 Lankyman 28 Jun 2020
In reply to Timmd:

It's interesting to read a lot of the stereotype cat descriptions on this thread. As a child we had dogs and cats - my Dad loved animals and we always had a veritable menagerie, all waifs and strays, literally picked up off the streets of Liverpool. Every cat was a totally different personality (if that applies to a non-human) from total nut-job to laid-back horizontal. One of them was very timid but ran wild at the vets and was banned from there! He would never want to be touched but one day, years down the line he came and sat on my lap. Not much later he died. My ex and I had several rescue cats over the years, again exhibiting the same range of unique characters. The last two were a brother and sister and were the most people-centred cats I've known. The two of them loved wandering up to anyone for a fuss. Charlie would wait in the garden and run down to the gate when he heard me open it. Very much like a dog in many ways. One of our first cats was an excellent retriever, chasing paper balls and bringing them back repeatedly. There's a lot more to cats as I'm sure most people who are owned by them will know.

Report
 Trangia 28 Jun 2020
In reply to Bilberry:

If you remember that dogs have owners whereas cats have staff, you'll be fine.

Report
 Timmd 28 Jun 2020
In reply to Lankyman:

Yes, I was just talking about how not to get scratched and bitten, but you're completely right. One of my favourite cats was my oldest bro and fave sis in law's cat Suzie, who/which I was pleased to find remembered me after they'd moved down south and I went to visit (I'd spent a lot of time looking after her when they were away), she was a very person focused cat, and would come trotting up to be stroked if I called her. I liked to lay on the ground on my front in their garden so we could commune nose to nose. She wasn't at all stand offish. 

Post edited at 16:10
Report

Please Register as a New User in order to reply to this topic.