UKC

We have no children, but have a Ukrainian family living with us just now. Kids aged 7 and 10. 

I am glad we don't have kids! The 7 year old in particular is just tedious! Constantly telling me all sorts of inane nonsense and not taking the hints when I am clearly not interested. 

I am, of course, glad they are here and safe and settling into life here. They deserve a good life, but I am just not interested in spending time with young children! 

Obviously, we won't ask them to leave, we will let them get settled and find their own place to rent when they are ready, but I am starting to look forward to an adult only house again! 

No real point to this other than needing a bit of a moan!

Some people are pretty tedious, too. Probably wouldn't try and categorise the whole lot in one go, though.

Saying that, kids can be hard work and moaning is a key part of being a parent/ guardian. Have you thought that maybe this child is trying to form a connection with you? 

Good on you for providing a safe place for these people in need by the way. 

It's in kids job description, mandatory!!!!!

It's great you are having a Ukrainian family to stay with you.

Perhaps the 7 year old is having some problems after what they and their family have been through and talking to you, someone completely unconnected to their situation, is a form of distraction from thinking about it. At that age they probably don't even realise why they are doing it.

Then again, it could be just normal 7 year old behaviour. They can ramble a bit sometimes. Embrace it and enjoy the fact they just want to talk to you and tell you stuff they think is interesting.

SD.

Oh dear, I to am not a fan of Children, a bit like dogs, I love my own, but other peoples are a flaming nuisance, IMHO.

However, that child has gone through a huge life changing event, probably dealing with more than I have ever had to cope with. Could you maybe find it with in yourself to be interested in what they are saying. Possibly they are just trying to create a sense of place, in this strange new space they are in

Not easy, and not something I would find easy, and good on you for expressing your concerns.

All the best, and keep up the good work. No criticism from me

My partner is 35 and tells me endless reams of absolute insane nonsense every single day. When I get fed up she doesn’t relent, she just says the exact same thing but with different words. 

Bit like UKC forums, or most Internet forums really. 

Sounds like you need a new partner to me.

I think that is exactly what is going on. It's what kids do: tell you all the stuff they've just found out about the world. "That's nice, dear..."

They may also be practising their English.

A surprisingly large part of parenting is becoming a master of diversion…. Find topics you can steer them on to that are better discussions, and preferably that segue easily in to drawing/colouring or Lego…

Preaching to the choir - my 6.5 year old tells me at length about the various monsters he is interested in, not to mention the various Youtube theories about their origin stories etc etc etc. Fortunately I love the guy so it's charming rather than annoying.

I now dream of those days with my 9.5 year old: she is far too cool to want to talk to me anymore unless it's to ask for Robux!

She’s willing to go anywhere in the world and belay me tho. 

You've got it all backwards, kids are great!

They will listen to all sorts of inane nonsense that I talk about and take it all seriously where as it's impossible to talk to adults about these things because they will think I am childish!

youtube.com/watch?v=Vfk4wybHgUw&

What you are doing is amazingly kind and beyond 99.99% of the population. I don't know many other people who have chosen to make their home a place of refuge. Kids are hard work - even harder if you are in a situation where two families are cohabiting.  You shouldn't feel bad about getting this off your chest; this is a brilliant place to vent - though obviously you need to ignore the people who haven't bothered to actually think about the reality of your situation. 

It does sound like the seven year old has taken a shine to you, and yes, they can be super annoying and chat absolute wham, but normally to the people they trust - they are probably filled with gratitude and are beginning to idolise you (I'm not exaggerating - can you imagine the gratitude their parents have that they are inculcating in their kids?) 

People like you are the best of us - keep it up, mate!

Well done for hosting this family, the hard work your putting in now is making a huge difference to their lives.

As a parent of two girls, now 9 and 11, all I can say is that after the horrible, sleep deprived, mind numbing tedium of the phase that runs from 2 to 18 months, all other parenting seems a pure joy.  Although I haven't made it through the teenage years yet.

Just what others have said really, you've done a great thing in giving these people a safe haven.

If it's any consolation, the fact the child jabbers away to you is probably a great reflection on your character and personality.   The child clearly feels safe enough to bombard you and must have a great rapport with you.

I wonder if secretly, deep down, you'll feel a bit of a pang for them when they leave....

I'd like to stress that I wasn't being critical of GM, and I greatly admire what she is doing. Just trying to reassure her that it's what kids do...

I don't have kids. I have endured other people's kids. Some of my happiest memories are of spending time with other people's kids (including spending hours playing 'shop' with my nieces'). It's just nice to give them back... I can draw on experience growing up in a cul-de-sac, with children of different ages who all played together, including those going through the questions phase 'what doing? why? why? why?' etc.

It could be worse. I'd love to swap my teenager for a 7 year old! 🙂

As was once said to me……

”it’s not just the space they take up when they’re with you, it’s the hole they leave behind once they’re gone”

You’d probably feel differently if they were your children… my 10 year are daughter babbles on about all sorts to me and I think it’s great…. if one of her friends did the same to me I think I’d get bored very quickly.

it’s not just kids, lots of adults are tedious but at least kids have the excuse of not having been around long enough to learn how social interaction works. 
 

Try to engage with them rather than just respond and hopefully you’ll both feel the benefit. 

That's very nice. And very true

It is. Our younger will fly the nest this August. For all my “I’ll be glad when they’re gone, I’ll finally get my life back” it’s completely apparent that what I had before they were here, is gone forever. All that is left is a huge hole we’ll need to fill somehow.

I can handle nieces/nephews and friends kids for a short time but it does get old fast. More than a day and I would go nuts.

I'll take a blind risk and swap one our teens for yours? Feeling lucky?

OP, imagine being in their shoes, it's far better they are chatting than stunned into silence, although chatting lots could be part of the coping mechanism, silence and left to the thoughts of their homeland might not be so nice.

Just roll with it, as others have said you are more than doing the right thing. 

We're currently at the grandchildren stage. Two amazing little girls of 5 and 1 that we usually get to see every weekend. I spend most of the weekend on the floor, hunched over dolls houses, painting, being painted, used as a climbing frame, a play horse, a fetcher, a carrier and by the end of the day im aching for a lie down. And then for the next five days I'm yearning to see them again. 

Occasionally I will bunk off work to be able to go and collect the eldest from school. 

I'm struggling to reconcile the charitable action of you opening your house up to these people with the quite staggering unpleasantness of your attitude towards a child. Odd.

It's what kids do and the advantage they have over adults is that they have a good chance of growing out of it. 

Really? I just read it as someone who can’t be arsed listening to the inane rubbish young kids feel the need to share. And needed a moan.

I certainly didn’t read it as “staggeringly unpleasant”.

I think you’re allowed to vent. I have similar feeling the few times I have helped with beavers ( youngest section of scouting). It’s always they are amusing in small doses but not sure I could cope full time with one of my own! Keep up the good work.

I used to work with a lady who did 2 days per week as a software developer and was a full time mum the other 3+2 (no weekends for parent). She honestly once said I love coming to work because we don’t have to have a 2+ hour chat about who would win in a 3way fight between a shark a pirate and Spider-Man. At which mount most of the software team said hmmm that is an interesting thought experiment.

Nor “towards a child” - pretty bloody obvious the OP is deliberately venting away from from the child, not “towards” them.

It’s not rocket science.

What's the venue for this thought experiment? 🤔

You want to try being married to a woman for 40 odd years, you ain't seen nothing yet 🤣🤣🤣

Number 10?

(Everyone else seems to have thrown their hat in)

If it's on land, Spiderman. If its in the sea, the shark. 

The pirate is knackered either way. 

I'm sure you'll get used to it, kids, especially other people's can be a shock to the system if you're suddenly in close proximity for prolonged periods.

Slightly unfair expecting a 7 year old to pick up on social cues ;p. I can think of plenty of grown adults that struggle with this!

If I'd known that grandchildren were so much better than children, I'd have had them first 😁

I think most people, including those with their own kids, would struggle with somebody else's kids being around for so much of the time for such an extended period.

It's different with your own kids (although difficult enough) because you grow "up" with them.

You are doing an amazing thing that most of us wouldn't even seriously consider doing, and you've also shown the good sense to rant on here "away'" from the situation at home.

Im the father of three girls, one of whom is a 27 year old stepdaughter,  a 20 year old currently at home from uni and a 13 year old. Two have had issues and have ADHD. 

I long for inane chat with them. They are all so wrapped up in their own brains that there's no time left. Plus, teenage girls are particularly awful and incredibly rude so I'm glad when I dont see them.

Thanks folks, I know she does just want connection and I do try to give her that when I can. I also spend time helping her with her English (she is actually very keen to learn), and try to respond with enthusiasm to her inane chatter. It just does get tedious though! And yesterday I needed that wee rant, so thanks for being the rant receivers!

Our childlessness is a choice, and I would say the right choice for me so it is definitely just the shock to the system and seeing what having children full time is really like. I'm sure whenever they do move out, we will still see a lot of them and the kids will be less tedious because I don't have them around all the time.

Kids are relentless and don't have the same boundaries as (most!) adults. There are lots of replies above that are essentially adults' views of kids.

If you flip it around and look at the situation from the kid's eyes, you're probably some sort of superhero that has given them stability, peace and a safe haven from some of the scariest, least understandable things adults could ever do to each other. It must have been terrifying. You've given them a new life, new learning opportunities and a chance of fulfilling their potential to be whatever they want to be. If I were that kid I'd want to share stuff with you too.

And yesterday I needed that wee rant, so thanks for being the rant receivers!

The technical term is rantee. ;0)

Not if its Jack Sparrow.

There's a comedian does a piece about how when he was a kid he was terrified of his dad.  His dad was the punisher, the threat, the warning that his mum used to make whenever he played up.

Now he's a dad himself he sees his dad coming round and the kids are all over him " YAY!!! ITS GRANDAD!!!" and he is lashing out sweets and chocolate and he's the best thing since sliced bread and this fella is like "When the hell did that happen"?

I can see that in myself,  I was never ever the punisher but I was maybe a bit grumpy and impatient as a dad.  Now, I have infinite patience with the girls and they fleece me white everytime I see them.  If I do say so myself I'm a top granda

(but to be fair, I do get to go home at the end of the day)

Lots of adults will have humoured your inane nonsense when you were seven (and probably still occasionally now!), so now it's your turn to return the favour. Seven-year olds don't get hints because they're seven.

Suck it up and pretend to be interested whilst giving as little actual attention as you want, or even better engage them with something interesting *you* can tell *them* about - they'll hopefully run off and bore someone else with whatever you just told them.

Hi, yes they can be, as a parent i guess one develops coping mechanisms and strategies over time as they grow up. So your child can be spouting inane stuff, you don't really hear it and get on with what you were doing, making encouraging noises once in a while, look at them and smile etc. But you don't have to remember the rubbish!

Thank god my kids are grown up now and we can have interesting chats, where i bore them to death reminding them of the stupid/silly/ endearing things they did or daid when small.

Oh, and what a great thing you are doing,  best of luck with it.

I see where you're coming from - I recently moved my family into my Dad's house and he has similar issues - he's 79 and wants his peace and quiet, so when my kids go flying into the lounge roaring like dinosaurs as he's doing his crossword he gets really hacked off! Conversely, they make him laugh with their antics at the dinner table.  It's a case of finding an arrangement which works for you and the children, who can be annoying - I remember a schoolfriend who discovered angling in secondary school and every free minute he was pestering me for information.  Sometimes you just need to give them enough interaction to get them started on what they want to do and leave you alone.

Well, if child is 7 probably a bit young to take hints! And also its how they learn to communicate, understand the world, so maybe just humour them and try to engage them in something you find interesting?  

And also bloody well done on hosting a family, that's a big commitment to make.

you will miss them and have heartache.

They are also very resourceful, especially at aged 10.  Might be worth considering what you post on the internet as it would be very easy for them to find it and that would make life in your house really awkward and consider how they'd feel reading your post.  If I was aged 10 and capable of using the internet I'm pretty sure I'd see what I could find out about the stranger I'd moved in with.

My children are 8 and 10 and I love spending time with them. You do have to direct the conversation a bit but their perspective on life is fascinating. I like to take them on dog walks where they can't escape me and get them to tell me about their life at school, friendships, etc. We also focus on good quality conversation over dinner. It is one of the 3 rules for meals in our house (sit nicely, eat (some of) your food, make conversation). You do have to think of topics though. I like to tell them funny stories about my Mum, who died before they knew her.

Having said that, it's totally different with your own children. Other children are not such good company imo but I assumed that's because I'm a bit miserable.

It's the IKEA effect. Everyone likes things they made for themselves more than stuff that came ready made, even if it's of a lower quality (©QI)

I was never sure about kids until my brother and sister had them. Now I'm convinced - I don't want any!

If you think one is bad, spare a thought for those of us who have to spend all day, 5 days a week, with HUNDREDS of them! 😉 But, I suppose the holidays are alright...

I think that comes under the category of self inflicted injury.

Isn't that rather frowned on these days? 😒 

If the OP can't handle a few questions from a curious 7 year old fleeing a war (that they invited into their own home), then frankly they need to work on their own issues rather than blaming the kid.

"Constantly telling me all sorts of inane nonsense and not taking the hints when I am clearly not interested."

...it sounds like there's actually 3 children in the house right now tbh. 

What exactly is OP doing to be "clearly" showing himself to be "not interested" to the child? Tutting? Flouncing off? Fingers in ears? And what effect do they expect this behaviour to have on the kid?

Maybe the post is 'venting away from the child', but I stand by what's being described as being pretty damn unpleasant.

You are jumping to a massive assumption that the OP “can’t handle” it.  I see no sign of that - far from it.  They are handling it by venting their frustration away from the child and towards a group that generally tries to be understanding and supportive.  They wouldn’t know what to expect before hosting this family, and having found aspects of it bother them they are making sure to let off steam away from the child.  

Saying they are “blaming the kid” is another over reach on your behalf.  Saying at times they find a child that isn’t their tedious isn’t “blaming”.  Many adults who’ve not lived with children before would, I think, have a similar reaction.

As with other parents who have posted on this thread, I recognise what the OP says about the child (which is not blaming the child) and I recognise how much easier it is as a parent to my own children, being both more emotionally invested and having had years to develop strategies to keep everyone happy and engaged despite the challenging moments.  Only a bloody minded fool would claim parenting doesn’t have its challenging moments.  The OP is facing those without the twin benefits of experience and of thinking “hey, at least it’s better than the first year”.

It’s starting to dawn on me that you might have some basic reading comprehension problems and a propensity to jump to conclusions.

Once again you are jumping to a totally unsubstantiated position.  As many others on this thread have pointed out, children don’t tend to pick up on them more subtle adult-to-adult social cues; I doubt it would have occurred to the OP to put their fingers in their ears and to go “La La La I’m not listening” although I sincerely hope that’s how they handle your posts.

Oh do piss off.

Do you have a children of your own?

girlmonkey isn’t a ‘he’. 

I spend half my life wishing for peace and quiet (have a 6 year old and 3 year old), yet when I went to Annecy for my sole allowed blokes trip this year a couple of weeks ago, I was missing them by the second day and wishing they were there to enjoy it with me.

Dont wish it away, your current situation is going to have stresses, but you are (by inviting to stay with you) being part of the upbringing of these children, and likely you will have friends for life. Even the 7 year old will be an adult more quickly than you realise

bang on. We have three boys. Now 20, 17, 13 - so lots of Lego, underpants and Nerf guns as well as nonsense and a bit of sibling rivalry. At times these cherubs get a bit much and some of my friends kids are tricky / tedious, and that's just for half an hour.

I think Girlmonkey has stepped up- I guess way above everyone posting. It will be a shock to anyone without kids to suddenly have little creatures appear. It does sound like the child is trying to make friends though. I'm expecting girlmonkey to fall deeply in love with the mites. I'm guessing father isn't wit them, rather in Ukraine and in harms way. They must be terrified.

A suggestion- take them bouldering. Also Uno.

You put that far more diplomatically than I could.

^ This

It's a huge upheaval for her, and I can see how the situation could really make her consider if it has been the right thing to do.

I'd be really interested to know how many refugees her strident critics are currently hosting.

Ultimately not everyone can deal with kids, particularly other people's. Many years ago I came to the decision that children weren't for me. I just don't like them, and I'd be a really shit dad with my various issues. It wouldn't be fair on them or me.

Girlymonkey is just dealing with the situation as best she can, and I think much of the criticism levelled against her on here is completely unjustified.

Oh, it's definitely the right thing to do. A psychopath is destroying their country! We have space to shelter them and so it is entirely the right thing and I would do it again. Doesn't mean I enjoy the interactions with the children!

I'm back to working really long days, so don't really have to see them much for the next wee while. And only a few weeks until they go back to school.

Oh, am I missing a good old-fashioned UKC pile-on?

I haven't got time to read much of the thread, however, if somebody can summarise who the baddy is then I'm happy to stick my oar in with a few ill-considered comments and a slew of downvotes.

Thanks in advance.

It's girlmonkey vs children. Just toss a coin, join a side and jump in.

No it’s not.

girlymonkey is merely the subject of the scrap. The substance is UKC vs matt1984, from his first post @ 22:12.

See my other reply above 😊

Back to the comment earlier up thread about "the space they take up when they're here is tiny compared to the hole they leave when they go". I'm feeling that right now. 

Today consisted of a watching a 5 year olds swimming lesson in a sweltering glass roofed pool, a visit to Halfords on the way home to buy a pump for a paddling pool that ended up with me getting fleeced and buying a new bike for her, pumping up said pool in the midday sun, a burned head, getting covered in yoghurt from a hyped up 1 year old who is at the stage of babbling incessantly but can't yet form words. Almost getting hugged to death from both of them because they want to prove who loves me more, and I just found out that when I eventually left (after my daughter peeled then both off me) the youngest one started to cry and tried to run down the road after the car.

It's amazing how the little buggers get under your skin and into your heart. They've transformed and old curmudgeon into something much soppier. I really do think the OP will miss them big style when they leave

I personally think her actions in taking on the family and the massive upheavals she's clearly gone through gives her a bit of a free pass to have a rant on an anonymous forum. Maybe it's a pressure valve? 

I've got nothing but admiration for her.

Clearly not a "child" person, yet still offered up her home to people in a desperate situation. Hats off to her. So much easier to say "screw them, id like to help, but I don't like kids" 

Totally agree.  

I have a very low tolerance for wittering, and even for intense serious conversation if I don’t happen to be in the mood for it.  Children (and some adults) can’t read responses too well and don’t get when it’s not appropriate.

My own three kids, who I love dearly, have completely and utterly done my head in at times, To the extent I’ve locked myself in the loo to get some peace (doesn’t work - little kids don’t mind shouting through a door) or setting a timer for 2 minutes silence so I could concentrate on something for a brief moment (child in question watched timer intently then at 2 minutes, did a happy dance and started talking again).

Ive had an empty house this week, eldest left home last year and the other two are away on a trip with their dad, and it’s  maybe a tiny bit too quiet in here. 

You've been robbed mate 😉

Just took my four year old grandson home after having him overnight. He's on the go from the moment he wakes up. Not in a crazy way but very energetic and great fun. However I'm now knackered and need a lie down!

'Children (and some adults) can’t read responses too well...' I have to say, that's not my experience ... I've found children incredibly sensitive to situations and atmosphere from a very young age. Even if they don't articulate too well.

Maybe try a silent one?

I've learned to take absolutely every opportunity (like if they go to the toilet, wander into the kitchen, have a nappy change by their parent's, get distracted by TV or an interesting toy) as an excuse to have a quick lie down on the settee, even if it's only for 30 seconds.  Until they get back to reality and decided that I'm needed again.

Now that's what I call an unpleasant attitude.  How many refugees have you taken in?

Is this like a stealth boast?

Reading this made me a little sad.  Do you really expect a 7 year old, or indeed any smaller version of an adult to pick up on all the body language of an adult who is not particularly interested in what they are saying???  Well brought up kids of that age are inquisitive & enthusiastic - its called learning.  Until some adult puts them down.

But don't worry.  By the time children start to become teenagers and beyond it will be you who'll be boring them, with your tales of, "when i was your age...........", you'll be telling them how to behave, how to work study hard at school college and beyond, and your experiences when love and romance goes wrong, and warnings about the dire consequences of too many drugs, unprotected sex, opinions about their friends, partners, their clothes, their manners (kids of today......when i were a lad./lass - eh you had lucky !!  when i were your age...........)

So don't worry - you'll have your chance.

I'm not sure how much you have actually read. You've either not read (or understood) it properly, or you've read into it what you wanted to read.

I went for coffee with my parents and grandparents recently, as I often do, and while I love them to bits, if you think kids relentlessly talk shite, then they're nothing on parents 😂

(Great stuff re. Looking after that family btw, you should be proud)