UKC

I seem to be reusing the same comebacks when people ask me if I would like to do something when I'm in a grumpy mood.  I Need some new suggestions

"I'd rather stick pins in my eyes"

"I'd rather eat my own sh*t"

"I'd rather use my face to put a campfire out"

"I'd rather sh*t in my hands and clap"

Yeah.  It's that sort of pre-holiday break day at work today.

Big festive virtual hugs for anyone who can come up with a new suggestions.

I'd rather make love with Boris Johnson than ...

I can add that one to the toolbox, but may have to replace the words "make love" to something a bit less 'romantic'

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'Sorry dear, I'm bathing in fire ants' has become a household staple for 'No, I shan't be doing that'.

It was once part of a reply from me to my wife when her then employer gave her free tickets for a James Blunt concert and she asked me if I wished to go to it.  The actual reply was much longer and detailed a goodly number of things I'd rather do, but it's the bathing in fire ants which has lingered.

T.

I recall hearing "I'd rather ram a sticklebrick down me c*ck".  I need to resurrect that one...

some things are worse than being dead in a ditch

I’d rather shove a radish…..à La Blackadder?

https://www.quotes.net/show-quote/9841

"I'd rather scoop my eyes out with a teaspoon" 

Usually following any mention of golf/football

The quote based on a real event

I'd rather climb an offwidth.

I don't like to down vote unless a good reason, so I'll just say BAH HUMBUG!!! To your comment.

I'm naturally inept at climbing (somewhat unfortunately!) but I feel less at a disadvantage to others when thrutching and gurning slithering up and down, with hopefully slightly more progress on each up than each down.

I'd rather be mistaken for Bear Grylls than agree with your comment

I'd rather debate the merits of the dislike button...

I'd rather read an Offwidth post

Quoted from a contractual letter to a subcontractor (Pierse Construction to Kone Lifts if I remember correctly) :

I’d rather staple my eyelids to John Prescott’s arse than use your services again.

I’d rather blow torch my own nostril hairs than……… 

I'd rather grate my own bollocks off.

I'd rather f*** Thatcher's corpse.

?

"I'd rather stare at a wall for 90 minutes" is my response if asked if I'll be watching the football. Although it's not the funniest response, it has the advantage of being true.

Stick my dick in a beehive. 

This is right next to the vasectomy thread. Plenty of inspiration there.

"I'd rather shove wasps up my arse!"  Read that one in a cycling mag (MBUK, I think) back in the 90s and I still find it funny. 

Haha.  I can see why

I'd rather eat nuclear waste...

I demand a downvote from you! I know my rights. 

This poem by Brian Bilston appeared on my Facebook feed today and seems appropriate

How Much I Dislike the Daily Mail

I would rather
eat Quavers that are six week’s stale,
blow dry the hair of Gareth Bale,
listen to the songs of Jimmy Nail,
than read one page of the Daily Mail.

If I were bored
in a waiting room in Perivale,
on a twelve hour trip on British rail
or a world circumnavigational sail,
I would not read the Daily Mail.

I would happily read
the complete works of Peter Mayle,
the autobiography of Dan Quayle,
selected scripts from Emmerdale,
but I couldn’t ever read the Daily Mail.

Far better to
stand outside in a storm of hail,
be blown out to sea in a powerful gale
then swallowed by a humpback whale
than have to read the Daily Mail.

Even if
I were blind
and it was the only thing
in Braille,
I still would not read
the Daily Mail.

I'd rather be a forest than a street
Yes, I would
If I could
I surely would

Si / Garf

I'd rather drink a glass of Freddie Mercury's jizz

"I'd rather eat a cup of cold sick" is the one I tend to use

My old man always says "I'm sorry I can't do that evening I'm busy shoving angry wasps up my arse" which always struck me with its poetry.

Similar ish line.

Whenever I need to point out that a member of my team has acted like an #rse I usually ask them to visit the changing room, look in the mirror as say to it 'are you the problem'?

Usually gets a giggle at the same point as getting the message across. 😂 

"I'd rather lick the back of the fridge" was always a favourite of my dad

I would do anything for love....

But I won't do that.

Has to be delivered as Meatloaf. 

I'd rather live as a pump than take a dump

with Donald Trump

A bit of Shakespeare 

I’d rather be a toad and live off the vapours of a dragon.

and

More of your conversation would infect my brain

Ah, I'd love to but I have to go and boil my head

... boil my tits in vinegar. 

A bit of Upstart Crow...

I would rather enter the dungeons of the Spanish Inquisition testibaubles first

... Knit fog.

A standard line from a miserable old bloke called George, who I used to play darts with down the local boozer. All lines delivered in the same, broad, monotone Oldham accent:

<Go slightly askew and hit 2 single 20s and a single 1> "If that's darts, then I can knit fog!" 

<Ask him whether he'd like to try a pint of lager for his next round> "I'd rather knit fog!"

<Ask him if he'd be treating Mrs George to some tender bedroom attention when he gets back after the darts> "I'd sooner knit fog!"

<Ask him what he thinks of...> ... Well, you get the general idea? Can't say that you never knew where you were with George.

I’d rather:

rub raw chillies into my eyes 

peel my cock and wear hessian pants 

rearrange my sock drawer

stick lit matchsticks under my nails 

be stuck in a lift with <insert deadbeat of your choice>

I would rather soak my nuts in battery acid.

Slam it in a car door.

A heavy German car door at that

vork sprung dirk technique....

I would rather the fire storms of atmospheres
Than this cruel descent from a thousand years
Of dreams

Fixed it for you - I'd rather vote for Boris Johnson than...

I now need a shower, with bleach...

The quotation I have is from Othello: "I had rather be a toad, And live upon the vapor of a dungeon"

That's the most similar line with 'toad' in Shakespeare

I'd rather watch paint drying.

She was cremated , so you've been saved that one.

As long as its warm 😜

How do you know? Have you consumed Mr Mercury's "gentleman's relish" both warm and cold?

This reminds me of the inappropriate question my wrongest mate would occasionally ask people he's only just met minutes beforehand:-

What would you rather do?

a) shag your mum with your dog watching

b) shag your dog with your mum watching