What we say to our climbing partners vs what we actually mean. Inspired by Paul Sagars article here https://www.ukclimbing.com/articles/features/guidebooks_what_they_say_vs_wh...
Disclaimer this is tounge in cheek and all meant in good fun...
"Watch me" - I'm shitting myself and I may imminently fall off.
"That was spicy" - I now have browner trousers than when I started the route.
"I'm not sure about that last runner" - That last runner was psychological at best please be prepared to do your best Usain Bolt impression if I fluff it.
"That's bomber" - Sorry you may need to spend 30mins dangling from the rope removing that piece.
"I'm just gonna look at the move" - I'm going to yo-yo up and down until I get tired or find a way to do it.
"You'll be fine" - You'll find it desperate but I need you to do it anyway because we're pretty committed up here.
"This next section looks committing" - This looks f*cking nails and there's no gear for miles.
"I'm just gonna belay here" - I'm lost and I didn't even want to do this route, so it's your problem now.
From personal experience.
"Tight but slack" - no matter what you do it'll be wrong.
"Slack" - i've forgotten to extend the runners yet again
"You'll enjoy that bit" means- its a traverse, and I wasn't really thinking of you when I put gear in.
"There's a good hold to your right" means- theres a good hold to my right/your left.
> "Slack" - i've forgotten to extend the runners yet again
Harsh, but alas very true and it's actually usually "Slaaaaaaack" followed quickly by "#£&--ing Slaaaaaaack"
"Everything OK up there?" - please hurry up, I've watched my fingernails grow whilst you've been leading this pitch.
"That was hard" = you've got absolutely no chance of doing it
"I'm coming off" = my concern for my safety versus your safety has just shifted to 99.99% / 0.01% instead of the usual democratic 50% / 50%
"Watch the rope" = I'm going to fall off in 0.001 seconds
"Looks like rain" = I'm scared lets ab off and go to the pub
"have you got your nut key on you?" - That offset is bomber.
In answer to distant shout from second, 'What's going on?' – 'I'm just backing up the belay!' Means, 'The belay is such crap you'd better not even think of falling off seconding ...'
"Your lead" = "This looks sketchy and I deem you expendable"
Another classic, which I heard many times when a climber who was typically better than me would thrash about for about half an hour without success on a desperately nasty looking crux then turn to me and say, 'Do you want to have a go?' Meaning: 'It's bloody desperate, and you're bound to say No, but I just want to make sure you'll feel a bit bad about wimping out.'
> "Your lead" = "This looks sketchy and I deem you expendable"
You missed out the essential 'big grin' in parenthesis after "Your lead!".
The words drifted across the crag to us from my friend's route I'd earlier suggested to him.
"COOPER YOU B'STARD!"!!!! I think he's found the crux I said quietly to my partner.
> "have you got your nut key on you?" - That offset is bomber.
Or: I’ve just over cammed a piece, or I’ve just watched a cam wander into the depths, or I’ve just repeatedly welded a nut into a grippy crack, or I’ve just fiddled around with this nut for ages in a limestone crack, I can’t get it out, it’s no good, there’s a better one six inches higher, you can get it out.
“It’s started to rain” well it hasn’t actually, the sky is a bit grey and I’m desperate to bail out with my dignity intact
“Good effort” - you made an effort of that!
“Great lead!” - I was gripped just seconding…
“Well done!” - I really thought you were about to peel…
“Good job!” - thank God you’ve finally clipped something, I wasn’t looking forward to scraping you off the floor
“That was a bit trickier than I remember!” - I really sandbagged you, didn’t I?
“Bit of a sandbag, no?” - my ego is pieces
“Well that was a bit exciting!” - my masculinity is in crisis
“That got my heart going!” - please hold me!
“I really enjoy climbing with you” - I’m head over heels for you; I’m leaving my wife; let’s elope to Patagonia.
> From personal experience.
> "Tight but slack" - no matter what you do it'll be wrong.
> "Slack" - i've forgotten to extend the runners yet again
I am guilty of the one-off oddball "Taaaaake....but not yet..." whilst actually moving through a tricky move. Somehow I made the move and my belayer managed not to "take". Phew!
In my defence, there was no actual hidden meaning to my statement/request
'That's bombproof' - I'm actually saying this to myself because I finally have a f**king piece of gear I trust and can stop thinking about ending up as a mangled body at the bottom of the crag.
> "That was hard" = you've got absolutely no chance of doing it
Interestingly, the corollary to that is:
"Yes, I'm watching you!"
I've stopped looking away and chatting and am watching you now, since you shouted down at me.
> "You'll be fine" - You'll find it desperate but I need you to do it anyway because we're pretty committed up here.
"You'll be fine" - just get the feck on with it, you've been up and down a dozen times, done the crux and reversed it 3 times and the pub closes in a few hours
"Uh-oh I left my boots in the car*, sorry" (i.e. can't do the climb)
~~~~*deliberately but there's no way I'm ever admitting that~~~~
HIMALAYAN SECTION:
"My heart murmur just came back*. Sorry, I've got to fly home"
(*Translation, I don't want to die and I'm going home)
"My wife just gave birth to twins*. Sorry but I've got to fly home now"
(*Translation, I just saw the upper route. I want live to 60 and I'm going home)
To the leader - "How's it looking?" - Stop fannying about and get a fcuking move on.
To the second - "Don't fall off" - Do not, under any circumstances, fcuking fall off.
"I hate GriGris" - You never give me enough slack
Indoors: "I'll get a sandbag for belaying" - you are a fat b*stard
Surely, "Good effort" means "That WAS a good effort, I'm surprised you managed to get up that because you normally faff about and give up too early!"
No.... There are many valencies to "Good Effort", ranging from "You took over an hour to lead 30m and now I'm so f*cking cold I can barely speak" to "I'm being eaten up inside by jealous rage at how easy you just made that look".
But, as Freud may or may not have said, sometimes a "good effort" is just a "good effort" - i.e.: "After that pitch I'm gagging for a post-coital nicotine fix."
Got a headtorch? = This will be a long drawn out epic involving missing last orders. Alternatively, I'm proposing to keep going until it gets dark, there's always time for one more route.
Something I seem to say all too often...
I’m too often on the receiving end of...
“You’ll need to use a different sequence to do that move” - meaning you’re too short to reach the holds I used or to weak to pull on the dirty crimps I resorted to using.
"Come back"
"Do I really have to bridge that far?" whilst looking up at my depressingly flexible partner and thinking about whether my hips can do what he's done without permanent damage or dislocation.
"Watch me like you've never watched me before" - I'm totally and absolutely terrified beyond all belief
To quote an exchange from last weekend.
My second: What's the belay like?
Me: How much do you weigh?
"Quite tricky that. Sorry, I've blocked the holds"
Seem to have said this a fair bit recently.
From back in the mists of time, second to leader who had fallen off the overhang of Labyrinth Direct on Arran and was now dangling in space next to second.
"One of us is upside down and I think it's you".
shit = I'm about to fall off!
shit shit shit = I'm about to fall off but my gear might not hold!