UKC

The process of selling my flat and looking at places to buy has reacquainted me with the ridiculous world of estate-agentspeak. Somehow that got me thinking about how an estate agent would propose to market some of our crags. Here's a first draft of Ben Nevis. Submissions for other crags very welcome below, as are improvements/alternatives to this one!

This unique climbing crag, originally a mountain, is located in an occasionally quiet cul-de-sac of the (not particularly) respected residential area of Fort William: the self-styled "Outdoor Capital of Scotland". It benefits from many original features such as rocks, cornicing and blind cracks. Drainage lines are in a good state of repair, with many providing sufficient effluent to permit ice climbing. However, areas of the roof require maintenance and the communal stairwell suffers from overuse and the lack of hygiene or waste disposal facilities. The traditional bathroom is located in the area surrounding the North Face car park and would benefit from modernisation. A second bathroom has been installed at the foot of the cliffs which boasts a reasonably reliable supply of toilet paper, a less reliable supply of alcohol hand gel and absolutely no supply of Febreeze. The world class fish and chip establishment, Sammy's, is within easy reach by car, as is an unpredictable range of unheated meat pies, courtesy of a number of all-night garages. The crag is not within easy commuting distance of anywhere apart from Morrison's and Lidl and will prove attractive to those seeking arcane, well spaced gear placements, rusty pegs, a never-ending walk-in, a world class range of winter and summer climbs and the scene of some of the finest mountain literature ever written.

No appointment is required to view, but potential climbers are advised to consult the weather forecast first if they wish to see the property in its best light (or to see it at all.)

Nestling in the fringes of the outdoor playground called simply "the Peaks', Diluted Fine Estates is delighted to offer to the Executive crag market 'The Ruffs'

The Ruffs is an exciting crag development in the much sought after Sheffield suburb of Stannington. Complete with many period features including much glazing and garden topiary, thought to be the work of incapability, and brown. With outstanding potential for modernisation yet retaining the charm, and broken garden furniture, of times gone by.  Lavishly detailled in the upper levels this crag is unique in being offered with a full compliment of in situ white goods.

Offerring a superb outlook over the captivating Pine Grove country club, which, in a seperate sale, is a picturesque job d'insurance which offers much potential for phoenixesque renewal. Well appointed with rusticly weathered Victorian rifle range and spacious mature woodland offering a multitude of recreational opportunities from exciting MotoX trails for local feral youth to a bustling al fresco needle exchange. 

Viewing is essential to fully appreciate the charms of this unique crag.

Absolutely stellar! Funniest thing I've read in a long time. Bravo! 

A potential contender for thread of the year

You missed out the sea view on offer.

I live in a seaside town and often joke about things be marketed this way. I’m moving soon, and the flat I’m moving into was of course marketed as such. Before I went to view it I joked with a friend that it would be at a very specific angle through one window from a position that you’ll never actually stand in. Went to look at the place - low and behold, right in one. Took it anyway. 

We are proud to offer this beautiful indoor crag in southwest Sheffield.

Originally a factory conversion, full roof coverage and rock made of plastic make this crag an exceptional choice for the discerning modern climber. The cool, youthful vibe of the neighbourhood is evident as soon as you arrive - the area has thriving student and hipster communities. It is also home to a small number of celebrity plastic pullers and world class pebble wrestlers.

Well sheltered from wind and rain, the crag benefits from a distinctive fragrance. It also boasts a short walk in: the approach can sometimes be completed in as little as half an hour from the nearest available parking space. A clean, potable water source is available towards the rear of the crag, and barely discoloured hot water can be obtained from the building's prestigious concierges: simply ask them for a coffee.

The rock itself, made of a modern plastic resin, has been thoroughly whitewashed, giving the holds a modern, uniformly white appearance. The routes at the crag would suit a circus contortionist, a gymnast, or a parkour enthusiast. One or two may even be of interest to more old-fashioned climbers, with the local trad community eagerly awaiting its first ascent of anything to the right of the sofas.

I had a friend who was house sitting for his sister in her sub-basement maisonette, with its token windows pointing westward.



The address was Seaview Cottage.



In Slough.



I suspect that someone along the way had had a dry (and dark) sense of humour. 

Brilliant! This could be copied and applied to several areas in the country. What you don't seem to get these days are phrases like "twixt moor and sea" (miles out in the country) or "in need of some sympathetic renovation" (needs more than a can of paint and definitely a bottomless wallet!)

Well done Tricadam for this thread. What next? Tinder description for the various types of climbers?!

Crag & Grit Associates are pleased to offer, on the market for the first time, a delightful loft apartment in the sought-after Roaches district. This property, which is spread over a large area, offers stunning views of the market town of Leek and is quieter than its two downstairs neighbours. A notable feature of this development is the extensive hanging garden, presented throughout the space, and the historic access staircase (shared with Flat 2). Please note that the ground floor of the building is used extensively as a youth centre.

Heated by woodburner I hear.

Too soon! But have a like!

Avon gorge:

This stunning city crag is situated on the beautiful River Avon. There are five generous south facing walls with beautiful views of the river. Bristol is a short walk and central London is readily accessible. Bristol bus station provides (apart from the winos) easy connections to London’s mainline stations and international airports. Situated by the polluted Avon, the gorge is a distinctive crag set only a mile from striking architecture, contemporary luxury, and has a riverscape backdrop, where city life and riverside calm combine. The elegant Main Wall sets the tone for Avon. Inspired by its riverside setting and central City location, Avon is calm in its grandeur. Beautifully crafted cracks feature monolithic rock. Cloistered tree areas provide moments of serenity. Avon is a crag of substance, entirely suited to its iconic location. The on-site features of Avon are exceptional, designed to create an idyllic climb. Avon is an elegant, inviting space to entertain or enjoy time to yourself, while the tranquil waters of the river offer the ultimate in relaxation.

Bradford and Bingley are delighted to present this iconic urban bouldering paradise, oozing with vintage charm.

The southern reaches of this stunning gritstone escarpment (known as "the pub end" due to the immediate access to local amenities) have been described by some as "neither nowt nor summat", due to the inappropriate dimensions and features for either traditional climbing or modern bouldering. We prefer to regard this area as "a grim and terrifying arena of death" owing not just to the splendid height of the crag, but also to the luxurious decor of luminous green lichen and the syringe-and-johnny floor coverings.

Exploring north along the crag, on and around the classic and historic boulder problems, graffiti, dog eggs and drugged youths bring the buzz of city life to the serenity of the outdoors. Once a fashionable and popular destination, The Glen is now largely deserted by climbers giving a wealth of opportunity for rediscovery and renovation of this unique "Stanage in miniature".

"Oozing with vintage charm..." I just threw up, Jon [not your fault]

I like "the luxurious decor of luminous green lichen" though

A delightfully impressive property in need of some structural repair (ready supply of sand available on site). Extensive sea views and a quaint lighthouse will take your breath away, as will the atmosphere. Plenty of parking available close by, except at weekends. Local amenities include a cafe with great cakes and a lighthouse, with another lighthouse not far away and expansive beaches located a short drive away. Further amenities such as supermarkets and off licenses are readily available in the up and coming local town, or head to the outlying villages for the genteel retirement feel. The area benefits from a sunny climate and convenient transport links to Dublin. Will particularly appeal to ornithologists and thrill seekers. Ynys Gybi Estate Agents are proud to present to the market the Red Wall House. 

Excellent. May I arrange a viewing?

Reminds me of a housing development in Hull. I lived on a street that ended at the Humber Estuary. It was called Ocean Boulevard. I couldn't tell anyone my address who knew Hull as they'd all piss themselves laughing!

Diluted Fine Estates, following positive expressions of interest in The Ruffs,  are delighted to offer a second exclusive crag development from our Platimum Portfolio.

The Cuttings is a generously proportioned crag boasting extensive sea views. Crafted in Portland Stone this is a Victorian development which retains many original features. The property was extensively developed in the late 1980's with stainless steel fittings throughout in the modern taste. The redevelopment was primarliy the work of celebrated architect P.Oxley and drew inspiration from Convent Choirs and the Gothic, with many features being named after songs by The Sisters of Mercy.

The crag is heated throughout by Solar, though a multi fuel burner is regularly installed at the base of the crag, this can be petrol or diesel, according to what is left unattended on the forecourts of Weymouth. 

The crag is in the catchment area of the popular residential establishment The Grove HM YOI. With residents hand picked by Her Majesty the crag lies immediatly adjacent, and benefits from osmotic regality due to this proximity. Indeed the Grove represents a rich heritage of offending behaviour, a heritage enthusiastically preserved in many parts of Weymouth every Saturday night.

This is a large crag, well able to accomodate multiple University Freshers meet top roping groups, and with some residential space in a well appointed reception area for those arriving late. Included in the sale is the extensive boulderfield, popular with semi clad youth this area is a veritable treasure trove of undiscovered gems, from quarrymans shelters, WW2 observation posts and a pristine Grade II listed glue sniffers den believed to date from 1978.

Only upon viewing can one truly see the unique potential for both Urban convenience and Coastal beauty, and how effortlessly this crag acheives neither.

Serious expressions of interest only. At vendor request payment is to be made by Rab-bitcoin.

Brilliant!

Central Belt Aggregates are pleased to offer "Creag nan Jakaidh" for sale. This charming hole in the ground is located close to the village of Inverkeithing and is conveniently placed within earshot of the M90 approach to the new Forth Crossing, or Dunfermline if you are less fortunate. The property has a number of cracks, of which the width of some may be adjusted to taste by simply committing a little bodyweight to the surrounding rock. The property is tastefully decorated with rolled up carpets, a shopping trolley and scatter Buckie bottles. A generous array of white goods come supplied, as do a few motorbikes. A car can also be included in the sale, subject to negotiation with some of the neighbours.  

We are pleased to offer this extensive and rambling crag. In need of a little maintenance but mostly solid. Detached pinnacle included though access to this is either very severe or annoyingly awkward and slippery depending on the route taken. Don't be put off by first impressions; the introductory rocks are undeniably a bit crap, dirty and shiny. Further acquaintance will reveal a unique combination of limestone walls, red valerian and vertical soil with several detachable features. The path under the property is treacherous in the wet and those with a culinary bent will appreciate the strong smell of garlic in the spring. Some metal fixings are included but no-one knows if they adhere to regulations and local bye-laws or even what the regulations and local bye-laws are.

Liathach Holdings Ltd. Proudly offer for sale the Torridon Boulders. This extensive property is set in the stunning landscape of North West Scotland and extensive views are sometimes, depending on cloud level, afforded of the majestic peaks which surround the site. The property has an ancient lineage being formed 1200 million years ago with various pleasing formations added up until 550 million years ago. The result is some of the finest climbing on the planet today in an atmosphere second to none. The jumble of rocks contains cracks, corners and faces galore and for the speleologically minded there are numerous holes and sub-surface features in which to lose oneself (or perhaps one’s enemies should the need arise). During the summer months the property also hosts the bewitching Dance of the Chironomidae. So entrancing is this spectacle that often observers are moved to imitate the dancers and can be seen joyfully dancing around in a pale imitation of the real thing. At lower elevations the owners can get close to the Ixodida, a superfamily that will be your constant companions. If you wish to enjoy the property on your own then supplies of Permethrin are but a short drive away.

The Torridon Boulders are a magnificent property and visitors have been known to remove their tops (but not their headwear) in order to appreciate the boulders up close and personal. If the buyer is of a religious persuasion they will find much here to soothe their soul and often cries of ‘God help me! can be heard ringing out in glory across the site.

Naturally the owner will own the freehold of the site and, at a pinch, the aretes too.

Love the dance bit

Osmotic regality. Another triumph! 

Brilliant!

Helvetia Residences is pleased to offer the maisonette flat "Death Bivouac". This exclusive property, steeped in history, is situated in one of the most sought-after locations in the famous Berner Oberland, with stunning views of the charming and vibrant town of Grindelwald. Widely regarded as being the most desirable accommodation in the area, access is by a traditional mountain path, perfect for keeping in shape. Plans for lift access and plumbing improvements have been submitted; until these have been approved, you have the chance of enjoying one of the most cosy and desirable residences, within easy walking distance of such internationally  renowned leisure locations as the Hinterstoisser Traverse and the beautiful White Spider. Viewing by appointment only.

A friend once rented a house in Covingham, Swindon to which he gave that name.  He later moved to an end-terrace house which, somewhat inevitably, became christened 'Belle End'.

T.

Slough and Swindon, amazing climbing destinations forever associated with each other thanks to those two legendary Alpinists, Wernham and Hogg!

Excellent, you've captured it's very essence. Now do Baildon Bank.

We are delighted to present to you a rare opportunity to acquire a delightful crag located within easy commuting distance of London.
This detached property is set in ancient woodland with spectacular views of the South Downs and preserved steam railway. Ample (chargeable) parking is included and  the sizeable guest accommodation is a notable feature. The property has been extremely well maintained by the current owners and is in excellent condition throughout. In particular the bathroom has recently been completely refurbished at considerable expense. There is scope for future improvement, and planning permission for a bridge has been approved.

Regular maintenance continues in the parking area for this crag, indeed those lucky enough to visit on midweek evenings may find local yoof pebble-dashing the surface. 

Ignominious Retreats are delighted to present this unique opportunity to purchase the UK's most unjustifiably popular winter climbing venue. Renowned for its short, if crowded, commute, Coire an t-Sneachda comes with an exceptional range of amenities, including residents' parking (price not included in sale), large energy-efficient (unheated) hallway-accessible scented bathroom with secure overnight access, and uniquely extensive cobbled reception area, best appreciated under its traditional carpeting of a foot of loose powder, when visitors' resultant exclamations of wonder can be heard throughout the environs. This gives access to the executive function suites such as the aptly named Mess of Pottage which frequently accommodates up to 50 guests at weekends, offering superb opportunities for networking.

Complementing the aforementioned energy efficiency, the crag is exceptionally well ventilated in all conditions, and its walls have been maintained to a high standard, with almost all moss and vegetation having been painstakingly removed in an ongoing public maintenance programme. Included in the sale is a veritable antiques roadshow of weather-distressed vintage wall decorations, which enliven the appearance of the disappointingly round-edged stonework.

The property's bijou walls are presented over an enviable range of aspects, permitting ascent under a variety of conditions, with guidance as to wall stability being available in the form of an Internet forecast which visitors rejoice in ignoring. For such eventualities, there is a local maintenance team which is exceptionally familiar with the property, and the country's leading trauma surgeons and intensive care facilities are reassuringly just a (not very short) helicopter's flight away.

The venue also boasts the nation's must abundant supply of Scotch Gold, both in the hallways and stairwells and particularly in the communal areas such as the picturesque belay at the start of The Message, where it is frequently referred to incorrectly as yellow snow. A fortunate buyer may find remarkable frozen turds included in the sale, whether mischievously concealed between the cobbles or generously presented on belay furniture. Meanwhile, the integrated freezer is famed for its ability to defrost with preternatural speed.

Viewing of this most listed of crags is highly recommended, particularly under low cloud conditions when the imagination can soar up a hundred ice choked gullies and thousand-foot sharp-edged faces to the roof which does, admittedly, command an extremely fine prospect, though it is perhaps more satisfactorily reached by the adjacent staircase or lift (available in a separate sale, offering an enterprising buyer an unparalleled development opportunity.)

I've always found the guide book description of youths with airguns puts enough folk off climbing here - all the better for the rest of us! And every time a student group wonders where to take 25 folk at once without annoying anyone, this place is perfect!

Amazingly, crags do apparently actually get bought! See https://www.thebmc.co.uk/bmc-buys-crookrise-crag

I wonder if the BMC would like to post the estate agent's spiel that tempted them to buy that one.