UKC

Getting back into climbing after loss of partner

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 noteviljoe 07 Mar 2021

Around 2011 I first started going climbing with my friend Tom. At that time we where both complete novices. We started indoors and then moved on to some outdoors.

For me life got in the way a bit, I had two young kids, and though at the start I was stronger that Tom he got more and more experienced especially at outdoors. He joined a club and got a bunch of trad gear. Still we would get out together at least every month or two (I wish it had been more now) for either climbing or scrambling or just adventures in the hills. He'd also graciously come out we me and my friends with our tiny kids on "prambling" adventures.

Last year Tom died in an accident coming from a summit in Scotland. I miss him more than anything and I miss the adventures we had.

I've not been climbing since. Obviously on top of Tom's death we've had Covid and lockdowns (so weird to think that he never new about Covid it seems so omipresent now). Also I separated from my wife so a hell of a year for emotional truma, lol.

No one will ever replace Tom for me but i would like to get back into climbing. 

Obviously lockdown isn't over yet but fingers crossed for the summer. I'm also a bit scared that I will have lost my nerve

I don't have any climbing partners. What do people suggest? Is it best to join a club? (I'm not sure how much time I could dedicate to a club). Or should I just try and get to look know people who climb some other way?

I live in Manchester. Before my work teaching in Nottingham went online I was also traveling back and forth across the Peak District quite a bit.

Some of my climbing is recorded in my log book thou haven't  added anything for a while.

Any more general tips about how to get back into things appreciated.

Post edited at 17:41
In reply to noteviljoe:

Good luck. You'll get there. Posting here is a good start!

I haven't climbed since '08 for different but also psychologically upsetting reasons. Maybe we could rope up one day. I'm finding the biggest challenge is getting out within the restrictions which I'm finding somewhat complicated to comprehend to say the least.

In reply to Phantom Disliker:

Our lub tends to be a relaxed thing.... some people are out (pre covid) week in week out without fail... others we would see as and when they could make it. But the 'as and whens' always knew that if they COULD get out on club night they would have someone to climb with.

Also the club whatsapp means that you have a whole group of people who you can contact if you want to get out on a non club meet

Post edited at 19:18
 helix 08 Mar 2021
In reply to noteviljoe:

I am very sorry to hear what you’ve been through, you’ve had a tough time. I’ve fallen back on climbing when I’ve been through difficult times, and I’d recommend joining a club or group to open yourself up to a range of people and possibilities. I’d also suggest that you don’t set high expectations about climbing goals, just go out there, have a bit of fun, meet people.

I was also struck by a quiet sadness in your post. Maybe you’ve had it or at least considered it, but I’d also recommend you get some support in other ways, counselling can really help when you’ve had to deal with loss, and you are no doubt still dealing with the impact of multiple different losses.

Good luck, and I hope things get better for you soon.

 PaulW 08 Mar 2021
In reply to noteviljoe:

My friend and climbing partner died falling off a few years ago.

I haven't really climbed since though I do still love being in the mountains.

Advice would be to give yourself plenty of time, don't feel you have to force anything. Allow yourself plenty of time to process how you are feeling, whether you are still enjoying the exposure.

You will gradually find a way back into climbing, don't rush. Good luck.

 Andy Hardy 08 Mar 2021
In reply to noteviljoe:

You have mail

 C Witter 08 Mar 2021
In reply to noteviljoe:

That sounds like a very tough year. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your friend.

Making new friends - in or out of climbing - takes time. But, it's one of those exponential things, I think.

In the meantime, maybe get a bouldering mat and enjoy exploring your local bouldering crags on your own. I've certainly spent quite a bit of time bouldering and doing easy soloing on my own when I've not had partners. It can be quite rewarding to have that time to yourself - especially if you're in a beautiful spot.

In "normal" times, climbing walls are great places to meet people, but unfortunately... well... you know the rest. I've tended to find climbing clubs quite disappointing, but all the same I have had a few very good experiences with clubs (trips). I think enjoying club climbing is about taking the wheat with the chaff. I've also met some really nice people through UKC and through climbing club email lists - if you're part of a club, it's always worth sending a "anyone fancy getting out...?" email.

Maybe you could take the time to teach a few friends who are interested but don't climb yet? I've introduced a few people to trad climbing over the years - usually people who could already belay, but even this can be taught outdoors if you're careful and patient.

Take care.

Post edited at 09:09
 Howard J 08 Mar 2021
In reply to noteviljoe:

Try some clubs. In Manchester you have several to choose from.  A club will give you a wider choice of partners - you may find you end up teaming up with a regular partner, or maybe you'll climb with a pool of friends. Don't worry about commitment - no one expects you to go on all the meets, and being part of a larger group means you won't be letting someone down if you can't get out.

Not all clubs are the same, so (when things open up) go along to several to find the one that feels like the best fit for you.  Most clubs contain a range of abilities and motivations, so you'll probably find someone whose attitude and ambitions are similar to yours.  If not, try a different club (some people belong to more than one club).  Some clubs have a formal probabationary period, but most will allow prospective members to come along without commitment.  Take your time before choosing. 

Besides widening your pool of partners, in a club you are likely to meet a wider and more diverse range of people than you a likely to meet otherwise, and with a wider range of experiences to share with you.  Above all, clubs are social affairs, and after your recent experiences it sounds like you are in as much need of this as of someone to climb with.

Looking at the grades listed in your profile you'd be welcome at my club, Innominata, which is based in Stockport.  Obviously we're still locked down and activities are suspended, but we are planning to resume both mid-week climbing and weekend meets as soon as these are allowed.  Other clubs are available.

https://www.innominata-mc.org.uk/

Post edited at 09:48
 Offwidth 08 Mar 2021
In reply to noteviljoe:

Try clubs but also lifts and partners here usually works well. I'm Nottingham based and recently retired from academia so will be looking for occasional partners on days when my normal partners can't climb, after lockdown ends. I know lower grade Peak adventures as well as anyone.

 Andy Clarke 08 Mar 2021
In reply to noteviljoe:

Good luck with getting back into climbing. I lost a good friend and partner to cancer a few years back. It hit me harder than I expected, but I was lucky in being able to pair up with other members of my club. However, apart from clubs you could also think about joining the various Facebook groups that exist mainly to enable people to pair up for climbing. For instance, Peak District Climbing Partners has a very large membership. Such groups are extremely easy to join, so are well worth considering.

OP noteviljoe 08 Mar 2021

Thanks for the messages. I think partly writing the post was as much about committing to myself that I'd get back into things as anything else. Hopefully see some of you out at the crags one day.

 Rog Wilko 09 Mar 2021
In reply to noteviljoe:

I found your post very moving, and I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your friend. A club might be the answer, but I guess the first moves in that direction will be the most difficult for you. As a first step it might be good to get on to social media where you can “join” without commitment and meet people remotely. If you have a Facebook account you might try searching for Lancashire Climbing & Caving Club. The account is quite busy and you might find this a helpful first step. The club itself (separate joining procedure) is very friendly and extremely supportive (not to mention very active with meets almost every weekend and midweek throughout the year) and I think this comes over from a reading many of the posts on our FB account. There is also a club webpage if you’re interested.

I do hope you find your way back into climbing and that this suggestion is of help. 


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