UKC

or, as the case may be, a secret shared...

I've been thinking about this both in the context of Pete W's thread, which has made for interesting reading, and in the context of something that happened in my life recenltly.

I've got lots of thoughts about pete's post and the responses to it, and I drafted a couple of replies, but I either didn't click 'submit' or I deleted them because I decided that the things I wanted to say were things I didn't want the forum to know - but obviously that's my choice and I'm not condemning anyone else for doing so.

what I was thinking about was that I shared a pretty big secret about myself with a good friend the other day, and whilst I'm glad I did it, it was in the context of a conversation and it kind of provides a better understanding of why I am like I am, i was also wondering afterwards why we share secrets and confessions? is it a case of a problem/secret shared, problem/secret halved? or do we hope to lessen the weight of the secret?

as I said, it's not a judgement on anyone, it's just a wondering about why we, as humans, keep secrets and why we share them, if we do.

any thoughts?

In reply to CJD:

i think there are too many different people with too many different secrets to come up with any overall rules

i think Pete W made his reasons forsharing his story widely clear, and they seemed courageous and worthwhile

but there's of course many things i wouldn't want to share with any of you lot... no offense meant!

some i've told friends about; some i haven't, i don't see what would be gained from it

i think sometimes a problem shared *is* a burden made lighter, but not always; i can think of some things that, for example, i know that i dont think i'm supposed to about other people i know, and if they knew i knew, it would be more difficult for them, if you see what i mean...

sounds like if you felt better for it, and the confidant was ok with hearing it, which seems to be the case from what you've said, it was the right thing to do.

all the best,
gregor

In reply to CJD:
I'm always quite cautious about how much I reveal about myself on here. For one I post under my own name, I also know quiet a few people who post on here in real life, and my boyfriend works at a well known climbing wall so I try not to say anything too embaressing, particulary regarding our relationship!
If I have something to moan about and I don't want to talk about it but need to let it out then I tend to write about ot on my blog, for some bizarre reason I find that easier, even though its not less private than here.

In reply to CJD:
What no juicy detail, very disappointing.

In reply to CJD:

I'm not usually one for baring my soul on here or with people in 'real life'. Personally I prefer to keep things quiet and don't always feel the need to share. The family relationships thread was a bit of a one off for me.

I suppose we keep secrets for any number of reasons, some are due to potential embarrassment or we're ashamed of something or it was illegal! Other times we need to share if it feels like you're heads about to pop and you just can't keep it in any longer.

A problem shared is a problem halved or is it just 'misery loves company?'

I'm not convinced of Pete's motives and I don't feel it was wise of him to start that thread. I certainly have no intentions of getting involved in it.

In reply to Am Fear Liath Mor:

Apologies for my appalling grammar!

In reply to CJD:

Sometimes the process of writing things down can allow you to analyse things in a different light. You don't necessarily have to post them to be able to learn from it.

Previously we'd all have done that process in a drunken chat with our mates and hope they's forget it all by the next morning.

Now we have internet forums to go through the same process, and we either hope the thread gets deleted within 48 hours, or don't actually press the submit button, regarldess of how much you have agonised about the content of the post you have prepared...

||-)

Version 5

In reply to Dominion:

"regardless"

version 6

In reply to Am Fear Liath Mor:

for some things i think it is easier to share them with people you *dont* know; there is a cathartic element to opening up about something that has been hidden. trouble with doing it on here is that its not really anonymous- a number of people i know know who i am on here, and occasionally visit- so if its something i genuinely wanted to share anonymously, it wouldnt be the place to do it...

and there *can* be an effect on the person you tell, in a more private environment- but that would be presumably part of the decision making process about whether and who to tell

In reply to CJD:I once read somewhere that secrets cut you off from the inside,which seems to be true,i think we share things about ourselves to be closer to people,and to feel less alone and more understood,in everyday life at least. I suppose it's the same online,but it doesn't seem a very real place to share things,with people you've not met,i think a person can get into a cycle of having to come back to the internet if they share things online,because that's the medium where they've opened up,where real life might be a healthier place to be open about things,if that's possible.

Tim

In reply to CJD: I think it depends on what the secret is. There are some things that I would share with friends but others I might keep to myself. Some people dont like to speak about things that they may think might make them come across as being weak to their confidante or maybe its a guilty secret of some kind that you just cant bear to admit to anyone for fear of the reaction you may get. Sometimes by sharing a secret the weight is definitey lifted off your shoulders but I would hate to tell a secret to someone just to lay the weight on their shoulders so that I didnt feel so bad anymore. Most of my friends know everything about me, that I'm a bit of a nutcase, I talk to much, I'm a big softie at heart and generally my bark is worse than my bite. I dont think I have any secrets to share.....................but you never know :O)

In reply to CJD:

I think you're wise to err on the side of caution, a better adage might be "A problem shared is soon common knowledge". I'm fortunate in that all my immediate family can keep a confidence and a few of my friends can.

We sometimes share secrets because we crave intimacy and understanding from the person we share them with. We keep personal secrets because experience tells us they don't often stay secrets and that can cheapen any intimacy gained sharing them with those we trust.

That's why gossip is often such a betrayal.

I would say email me if you want to share anything, but you're not such a fool as that. ;oP

In reply to CJD: Whats your secret? At least give us a small clue

In reply to CJD:


embarrassment (of the secret), concern of response (if shared), personal gain

and why we share them, if we do.


even when sharing, never put it in writing?

Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

In reply to CJD:

cheers for the replies all.

I've been thinking about this more since watching Y Tu Mama Tambien last night, in particular the bit where one of the boys, Julio, reveals a secret to Tenoch - I was thinking about how the event that was the secret had happened ages before, but Tenoch still went ballistic on finding out about it, even though it was in the past and couldn't be changed... so it got me to thinking about whether secrets should always remain so, and about why we're shocked when we find out about things that are in the past and are unchangeable - for instance, I remember being about 15 and finding out that my grandmother was someone different to who I'd thought my grandmother was (as in a different person, not as in she had a double life or anything, ha ha) and I recall being very surprised, stunned etc, but ultimately it was something that couldn't be changed by me so did I really have any right to be shocked?

hmm.

In reply to CJD:

The same thing happened to me when I was 19 although it turned out that it wasnt just my grandmother, it was my whole family who turned out not to be my real family. Its hard to describe how I felt at the time, in some ways it felt like my life had been a bit of a lie and the fact that everyone else seemed to know about it apart from me didnt help matters. You are right though, some things can't be changed

In reply to CJD: so is that the big secret? I was hoping for somehting a bit more spicy

In reply to Big Steve:

no that's not the big secret but reread the OP, there are things about me and my life that don't need to be shared on here.

guffaw anyway.

In reply to CJD:

And I'm glad you don't, but too many people do. This to me is primaraly a climbing forum for climbers about climbing, not a marriage guidance forum, an arm of alchoholics anonymous or a place to hang your washing out.

We all have skeletons in our closets and as far as UKC is concerned that's the best place to keep them.

In reply to CJD: I think some things are 'big secrets' hidden deep, and you don't feel able or willing to talk to anyone about them. However, I think in the context of a relevant conversation with a close friend/s these secrets can be sometimes be spoken about quite naturally, and because it has now come out in normal conversation (rather than 'I have to tell you something')and someone else knows, it feels like the secret isn't such a big issue any more. Not that the event or knowledge isn't as big, but somehow because someone else knows about it, it's not sitting as deep anymore, and isn't churning inside as much.

Reading that back it sounds like incoherrent babble, but if you remember a conversation we had in Wales last year, it might make sense to you!

In reply to HC~F:

yes, spot on - I think that's pretty much what I was thinking too - and it also relates to a conversation you and I had when you stayed over last summer...

In reply to CJD:


After you told the secret, was the reply

"i dont care that you are realy a man" ?

In reply to tattoo2005:


That happened to me too, but it was down to the fact that I'd been out + got pissed and walked into the wrong house when I got "home".

In reply to CJD:
I think it is a deeply personal choice thing to either reveal or not anything dark / deep / secret about oneself on an internet forum.
If you do, be ready to tkae the flak / have pee ripped mercilessly afterwards.
If you don't, well, you don't. Simple.
There's an old quote from somewhere

"your experiences / memories are what make you what you are today"

I think that pretty much sums it up for me. Sure, I have some pretty gruesome skeletons lurking in the closet, but they are what shaped me into who I am, how I deal with things etc etc etc.

Publish and be dammed or remain tight lipped. I certainly wouldn't give anyone grief for taking the 1st option, nor for the second. Each to own.

In reply to Chris Harris: Did they offer you a cuppa to sober you up?!

In reply to tattoo2005:

They knew who I was and pointed out the error of my ways.
There's a bit of a family history of this. My Grandfather went home from work (sober) in a classic 1940's pea souper fog + went into the wrong house. He sat down at the kitchen table (not noticing the different decor to home - he worked very hard!) and was rather surprised to see someone other than his wife walk into the kitchen. Much confusion and apology followed. He'd missed home by about 3 doors in the fog.

In reply to Chris Harris: LOL! I walked into the wrong house by mistake once and I was sober at the time!! It was my parents neighbours house I walked into and thought, 'oooooh, our hallway doesn't look like this,ooops!' Then I just quietly walked back out again and nobody was the wiser.

In reply to CJD:
Look - when you told me that you prefer owls to tapirs it didn't change the way I thought about you at all.

Slightly more seriously - I guess I have lots of 'secrets' - I don't particularly consider them secrets though, they're just things about me that the majority of people don't know. I tend to prefer it that way, just because they don't necessarily bear any relevance to who I am now. However there have been people and situations where it makes sense to share them and I guess when I have done it has given them a better insight into me.

But I guess different secrets have a different weight and importance to different people. If someone has a specific secret that they have been keeping from everyone - I imagine sharing it has a much more significant impact.

In reply to CJD:

I hope that good friend wasn't "The Internet"

In reply to Irton Pike:

ha ha, no, hence the point of the thread...

In reply to CJD:

But if you did that kind of halfing it would be like the rice/chessboard business in reverse. Only the board would have an <internet users> number of squares.

In reply to Irton Pike:

you've lost me...

In reply to CJD:

Just ignore it.

I think I really need to go for a lie down.

In reply to CJD:

You are equating secrets with problems. They are not necessarily the same thing IMO.

By sharing a problem I think we hope to gain insight, to let off steam, to engender sympathy, for catharsis.

By sharing a secret we hope to deliver further insight, to form a bond, to show trust, to encourage reciprocation.

In reply to MeButNotMe:

i'm not always equating them - I was more just using it to fit with that adage.

i don't fully agree with your definition of why we share a problem - I think that 'we' (in the most global sense of the term) sometimes do it to hand it on.

In reply to CJD: Is this anything to do with that expression about "a friend in need is a pain in the arse?"

In reply to CJD:

I think sometimes sharing a secret CAN make it less of a big deal - "I've told my friend xxxx and she doesn't hate me, so it can't matter so much after all".

And it can also help someone provide support - as a random example, if your best friend knows that your sister was run over by an ice cream van she will understand why you get upset when you hear one coming, instead of thinking you are mad........ (sorry, that example is deliberately flippant as a way of getting the point across).

I'm not much good at sharing secrets - it's a risk, isn't it? The person you are sharing with MIGHT judge you, or use it to hurt you........ but I'm getting better at it.

In reply to CJD:

As you may have noticed I am a little too open for many peoples´ tastes. I often feel the risks worth it becuase I feel I learn so much along the way. Kind of like thinking aloud sometimes too...bouncing thoughts, feelings and events off people IRL and elsewhere.

P

In reply to AdrianC:

go away :-P

In reply to Chris Harris: Thats a good one! I've never gone into the wrong house but I have gone into the wrong car before after my ex, who had parked outside the shop, decided to move the car and another car of the same dark colour took his car's place at the shop door. The guy looked a bit freaked when I got in the car and said "Right, lets go", ooooops!

In reply to CJD: I'll admit I've used this forum on a number of occasions to share things that I've felt for a number of reasons I just couldn't share with friends. Often it's proved useful just to splurge and has felt good, irrespective of whether it brings any useful replies.

I have a very insecure insular nature and often I'd love to feel I could share stuff more, but the idea of opening up often scares me. It's something that has lead me to depression and something I'm trying to deal with - I'd say it's really quite important to be able to speak to people about problems or secrets a lot of the time because to not do so can be so destructive.

In reply to CJD:
I think that wanting to share our problems and confide in other people is quite a natural way to feel.
Sometimes it is a matter of a problem shared. I certainly find that it helps me to share my problems with a good friend and that getting another persons point of view is quite often a great help whenever unsure of anything.

In reply to CJD:

hello

bumped cos i was wondering if any daytimers had any thoughts about this.

In reply to CJD: I tend to think it is because it may help us understand the secret or problem better, giving us someone elses perspective on it and help us view it from a different angle. In some cases it may not be what we want to hear, but what we need to hear.

I think many times in my own life I have known the answer to something but doubted it greatly until I had discussed it with someone.

I tend not to keep too many secrets/problem to myself as this can ony cause stress and selfdoubt in myself.

maybe it is a case of problem shared, problem halved, as it helps us understand it better.

In reply to CJD:

sometimes it is just better to hear yourself say it or get it off your chest.

In reply to CJD: Hmmm

A problem shared with the right people/person can be a great help...

A problem shared with the wrong people/person turns into gossip amongst another group of people... (Which you dont necessarily find out or when you do, it's too late)...