In reply to omerta:
Deeply sorry for you loss Omerta . < bearhug >
I've lost a lot of close friends over the years , my brother & more recently my (ex)father in law who I loved ,still saw a lot of Les after leaving his daughter many years ago ( she was cheating ) . We were close , he was one of the good ones .
As for learning from grief I learned alot about myself when my bro died ( people used to think we were a twin we were that close ) , I kind of coped intitially by not dealing with it honestly , I was angry with a lot of people & TPTB for covering a lot of facts up , omitting crucial factors on the coroners report & more .
After getting over the shock of losing him (days after) It was christmas , I realised I hadn't shed a tear probably due to some macho BS, I lost nearly 2 stone in 2 weeks ( he was in intensive care for this 2 weeks before they pulled the plug ) , I'm 6'1 & was 12.4 stone before losing the weight , I was in a bad place all I really wanted was a hug .
The first hug came from someone totally unexpected she just walked upto me and squeezed me hard ( I'll never forget that ) she didn't have to say anything . Then a person who I'd always considered quite cold & callous text me & said come over to mine for the evening get out of that bloody recording studio . So I did ,it did me good we talked but also spent hours in silence , I was close friends with her fiance who I saw killed when he was 26 , that hit me hard at the time I was 25 , I mention this for context .
I wanted to cry for a long time but I could not physically do it for some reason ,attempted to trigger it by playing my bros fave music but it just wouldn't happen . I needed to let it out of my system . I lost another another close friend in the meantime in shitty circumstances , I was given time off work & told that if I didn't attend professional counselling I could risk losing my pension so I begrudgingly went a long to 3 of the 6 initial sessions . Didn't bother with the rest it wasn't helping all I could see was a 27 year old girl fresh out of Uni asking me questions & ticking boxes , I found it insulting at the time .
Eventually around 2 years after the death of my brother I cracked & cried for close to 3 days , it was as if my heart turned from stone to a living breathing thing . I put a lot of it down to getting severe beatings from my parents as a kid ( broken ribs , fractured skull etc , etc ) . I was angry at the world for far too long . But then one day I realised the hatred & pain was too much & it was going to put me in an early grave .
It took a while but now I fully appreciate life & all it has to offer , I also try to live for now & do all the things that my bruv & friends would love to be doing right now . Still have off days especially at chrimbo but they get easier .
Talk if you want to talk , cry if you feel like crying but most important for me is to remember to smile atleast once a day ! It can be contagious & even addictive sometimes .
Life is a precious thing that I've learnt to appreciate more with age . We all cope in different ways , try not to do it all by yourself & never forget to respect , love & look after yourself . We are fragile things no matter how hard we think we are or can be .
To this day I still get friends of my bruvs ask me Tristan how are ya doing ? I explain & give them a hug if it seems appropriate .
Leon