when i win the lottery next week i will be purchasing said mountain and introducing the following rules:
1. no black dogs on a wednesday
2. no flappy map cases on string unless its february or october.
3. no meat pies on spring tuesdays.
4. when there is enough snow only ski touring allowed. no silly hats. no split boards or snow boards of any sort. if the snow is deep and powdery its obviously far too dangerous for anybody unless they have a strange numerical surname. no exceptions.
5.anybody caught leaving dog poo in bags will be shot. in the knee caps. and then eaten by a pack of specially trained miniature poodles.
6. no ron hills after 10 in a morning and before 8 at night.
any further suggestions will be considered and probably ignored.
No 'Swiss Family Scouse'? You know the ones. The type that go native on a campsite with all the gear and an annoying accent/football top/Stella . The sort that steal your dog peg.
Sorry . A bad experience of some scousers taking my twisty dog tether.
> when i win the lottery next week i will be purchasing said mountain and introducing the following rules:
No dog sh1t on the path, layby, verges etc would be a plus, anywhere you could stop and sit or put a sac down.
Better, the moron who is walking her/his dog and leaving black bags of sh1t by the path could be hung drung and quartered????
No couples (old or young) wearing identical gear at all, unless it's August 12th and then they are free game. Especially beige/maroon fleeces from the same manufacturer ( and possibly zip off junglesque green trousers). I don't care if it was "buy-one-get-one-free".
There are protocols to observe.
If I say "Hello" or "Good Morning" I expect an answer even if it's a grunt. Rude ignorant bastards will be sterilised.
In reply to Dave Cumberland:
see rule 5.
is being eaten alive by a pack of rabid half starved miniature poodles , after of course being "winged" with my vintage shotgun (bit like in "country" sports when those pesky badgers are a bit too fiesty and so the dargs are given a bit of a helping hand) not bad enough for the blighters ?
and er "hung drung and quartered????"....is this from one of those special internet websites i read so much about in the mail on sunday ?
In reply to Joak:
I once heard of a place called Surbiton.
I'm not sure if it's fictional or not. It may have been from a programme called the good life . The women in it were quite fit, but the blokes were proper tw*ts. Funnily enough, they look like most of the cockneys that you would see on a Lake District fell!
One thing you can guarantee - whatever happens to Saddleback/Blencathra, every car park will have a parking ticket machine installed, so promulgating the Lake District parking scam and ripping off the locals.
This is especially discriminatory against the indigenous aborigines, who should choose and have the right to NOT pay on their home turf.
Matter of principle. Nil carborundum ab illegitimati.
In reply to Oceanwall:
Hope this covers it :
11. No red hair . No track suits . No baseball caps (particularly those pin head big peak ones that can only be purchased by young men with a remarkable similarity to a weasel) . No leg wear tucked into socks .
12. no beachwear or flip flops . Unless it's January .
He did seem to be playing the scare card on Countryfile - Making ominous noises about a Russian or Chinese buyer with the unstated implication that they would somehow turn it into an oligarchs playground and kick everyone off. I'm pleased the NT have called his bluff
In reply to llechwedd: The way the tale went was that myself and Whisky Dave visited a campsite in Braithwaite in the mid 90's. My nasty terrier was tethered to the 2 ft corkscrew to stop it attacking Swiss family scouse who were unruly( FFS . The campsite was quiet yet they still pitched within 6 ft of us).
After our bimble and a few pints we returned to find said corkscrew missing. I asked the campsite owner if he'd seen it. No he said, those scousers have probably nicked it! His words not mine.
We lit one of those new fangled disposable barbecues on his manicured lawn. Unfortunately we burned a rectangular hole in his grass . Next day as we were leaving, we told him the scousers had done it Off he marched...... Hahah
> 8. No wainwright baggers. They bore the shit out of me. ' this is my 40th wainwright and I'm from Surrey' . Tumbleweed
They should be detained and taken to the Keswick pencil museum to be shut in a sort of big advent calendar.
Bored kids can then have a go at tattooing Wainright's signature on whatever bit of skin is exposed by opening one of the little doors. The tattoo ink can be made from burnt Beatrix potter soft toys mixed with kendal mint cake and applied with 8H pencils.
When they have been tattoed 41 times they can be released and given a special certificate to mark the occasion.
> "Conquering" only to be allowed on production of a valid permit to conquer, and only during daylight hours in the month of August.
Permit only valid if expedition undertaken within 2 months of completing the three hour induction course at the Blencathra Thrills visitor centre.
..and afterwards, why not share the amazing stories of your personal challenge on line. Every month, two lucky winners will receive tickets for the Sellafield Pools Health Spa. Your worries will melt away!
Pool lit from below for your safety
Mountains are inherently dangerous, blah..
No walking in my view: if I turn around everyone must duck / hide / be camouflaged (as boulder, sheep, badger, cairn etc)
No taking photos with smart phone / ipad (in fact no ipads ever for any reason, especially not navigating). Anyone caught taking selfies on summit will be buried up to their neck and incorporated into access path repairs.
I know it's a thread for fun, but a selfie isn't as bad as it might sound. I never do it in front of other people, but out of (exactly) 50 Munros ticked off, only two weren't solo walks (I was kinda leading the group of 2 or a friend). I can't really expect anyone to take photo of me, so I don't really mind setting up a camera on a wee stand (same as this one: https://c1.staticflickr.com/9/8422/7677954242_a84578267b_z.jpg ) and do a photo. I also take photos with smartphone to share with my family as I develop films from the film camera few times a year only.
For rules part... No unleashed dogs (I had a fright once when a huge beast showed up without me noticing his owners before!), banana peel counts as rubbish and no jeans. People without a map and compass should be directed to the nearest park.