UKC

Anyone else got a Christmas completely alone ?  I wont be seeing any family as I don't have much and I wont visit my mother as she lives with my psycho brother .

I'm not sure how I'm going to find it myself , part of me is looking forward to it , while part of myself that could cause me problems is fighting to bring me down already. 

The resting state of humanity isn't isolation , yet I've spend most of my adult life alone . Now wonder I'm not normal and unwanted.

Fu@k Christmas .  

I can see how that will feel.

I deliberately every year have Christmas day on my own, eat a small meal at lunch, such as soup. Then in the afternoon go for a bike ride as it is usually quieter on the roads.

Then admittedly I usually have my son and daughter and their friends/partners  on boxing day, and it is about eating/drinking. I often have my old friend of 76, who lives on his own come up from London too. Yet if I did not have them, I probably would do running/biking on that day.

So advice from me is to do a good amount of exercise, to reduce pressures/tension: And probably have your own special meal at some point in those couple of days.

OK stop that right now. The 'not normal and not wanted' is that dark part of you that tries to sabotage everything positive and good.

We all have that particular demon somewhere, and some of us, me included, have been listening to it for years and think it's talking sense. No it isn't, it's a distortion of reality that taints everything.

If you are who I think you are, you have made massive gains this year, even if you can't see it.  Listen to the part that's looking forward, be kind to yourself and use this period to eat healthily and take a step back and relax. Easier said than done, I know.

Enjoy it! I've had Christmases on my own and just treat it as another day off. I work in retail and am totally immune to the materialism/cynicism of the season. I go for a walk, I enjoy my own company and like to observe nature around me at all times of the year. For decades I used to comply with the myth of the family get-together, initially at my parents then later at my elder brothers house. The sheer, absolute drudgery of it eventually got to me. When I suggested a more active/interesting day up at my place (bit of a walk, followed by a less ambitious dinner) it was met with complete lack of interest. I voted with my feet. Even my Mum eventually tired of the same old bollox and does her own thing these days. I feel just the same about birthdays (a few days before Christmas, I'll be at work). Just don't feel you have to do anything because society or other people think that's what is the 'done thing'.

While unhelpful it is technically true though.  It's just hard to reconcile with the other aspects. 

It's a lens yes,  just a valid as many others though.  It just needs controlling .

I am TWS if that's what you mean , my new persona stems from my fascination with Belisarius Cawl and his great work. 

I'll try and enjoy it ,  I fear I'll turn on myself before long for being alone though .  Generally happens after long periods of isolation,  the brain looses cohesion like a castaway and starts to breakdown  

I've never done it totally alone, but did have one year where our families were either away or ill. My husband, myself and brother in law headed to a bothy on Christmas Eve and then had a lovely quiet, snowy hill day on Christmas day. I reckon if I was to do Christmas alone, I would be out in the hills. I am generally a very social creature, but happy doing solo mountain days. 

I understand you. Have been alone at Christmas many times. It's worse cos everyone else is seemingly having a good time. Not always the case. It's about family and kids really, Christmas. Simply remember it will all be over soon, look for the positives, enjoy the lights everywhere.

Have you Thought of helping out in a homeless charity on Christmas day? ( Would that make you feel a little better?)

So not to be alone, why not volunteer in a food kitchen to help the less fortunate amongst us.

It may be your calling.

Sounds like you may be catastrophising something which isn't really warranting it? I often have a tendency to over-think consequences of my actions (or lack thereof more often). One of the few benefits of getting older is feeling less and less about what society thinks I should be doing. I am happy being alone (not all the time, I'm not a complete curmudgeon, yet) and often view my solo walks as a golden opportunity to think and escape from the burdens of life. I actually enjoyed much of last year's enforced lockdown. Work provided social interaction (very important not lose the power of speech) but just wandering around the fields was very relaxing. I'd have found being crammed in a house full of other people stressful (just like Christmas?).

I spent my 40th alone right during the first lockdown, armageddon, stage of things..

I dade the effort to cook my favourite meal, and stuck some candles on it. Everything else felt a bit forced.

I quite like the idea of a very quiet Christmas but its never happened yet.

Take solace that Christmas is big enough for everyone, including the lonely and alone. You won't be alone in that!

At the very least, its a few days in mid winter to enjoy some daylight

Not completely alone but waking up by myself for the first time ever after splitting up with my partner over lockdown. Will go to her's in the afternoon to see my daughter but there's quite a bit of the Christmas period I'll be by myself.

I've got plans to go climbing and walking and have projects to do at home to keep myself occupied. Will also probably try and see a few people but it can be hard as people often have their own family stuff happening.

I really understand about spending a lot of your adult life alone. I've also spent a lot of my adult life alone and at times been very lonely and felt very isolated. I've also, like you, felt like I wasn't normal and felt unwanted. I've always felt that everything would be solved if only I was in a stable relationship with someone but after some stressful times living with someone I've found that actually things aren't so clear cut and in some ways it's a privilege to have so much time to yourself.

So, I'm kind of looking forward to it too.

Be kind to yourself, don't drink too much, take some time for exercise and getting outside, have a few things you'd like to achieve. 

I cannot imagine spending Christmas alone, I really struggle being on my own, but I have in the past spent similar social holidays on my own. What I found made a huge difference was to see the comedy in it and cook a big fancy expensive multiple course meal just for myself, with music playing and all. 

In this digital day and age of computers and Internet we're never really alone. However, I hear what you're saying and understand. Since loosing my family a few years back then having my fiancé walk out on me I've spent a few Christmas days alone. Admittedly the thought of my first Christmas alone  was more daunting than the reality. How did I get through my first Christmas alone? A few tears, feeling sad and sorry for myself, an average meal and a few wee drams. Lots of text messages, quick phone calls, browsing the Internet and before I knew it the day was over and I was back in my bed sleeping. The next day was when I realised that Christmas day us just another day of the week but with everythingshut down. I still spend my Christmases alone but now I turn my phone off, put some music on (not Christmas shite) and treat it as a day just to pamper myself.

Also, if you're really feeling down and need help remember there are support groups out there:

https://www.samaritans.org/news/christmas-without-family-tops-concerns-sama...

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/christ...

https://www.thegrouphug.com/2021/12/05/christmas-alone/

I'm not good at being kind to myself.   I don't drink gave up 4 years ago.

Although its hard to not want to get totally off my head in frustration , but alas I'd do something stupid in a fit of depression.

I gather, from a previous post, you don’t want to be challenged on this. But it’s a public forum so I will challenge you nonetheless.

Define normal? You can’t because it doesn’t exist. Your profile description reads a bit ‘weird’ to me, but then who am I to say what’s weird. My kids tell me regularly how strange I am. You are one of millions of people who struggle at Xmas because you are being led to believe everyone else is having a great time. They’re not. Xmas is one of the most stressful times of year for everyone and leads to high levels of relationship breakdowns. You are not alone in being alone.

Would your mother want you to join her at Xmas? If yes, then you are not unwanted. If no, then as others have said find others who will appreciate the unique gifts you bring to this world.

Yup. It’s a complete pain in the arse.

I spent Christmas alone last year. My partner was offshore, and I was unable to travel to see my family. I quite enjoyed it. I went for a long trail run in the morning, bought some fancy steak for lunch, did a jigsaw, watched my own choice of film and had a video call with my family while my sister's kids were opening presents.

My own thought is that it's up to you to make the best of it. Last year I could have easily wallowed in a mire of gloom, but ultimately decided that there was nothing I could do about it so I set out to make the day as pleasant for myself as possible.

I'm under no illusion that everyone is having a great time.  What hurts is it being without family and children or any partner after all this time. Why am I being punished for trying to be a good person ??

I work in education , using my interests and skills to help the next generation .  I pay my way , I help in the ways I can .  I don't understand why I'm alone , so the easiest explanation  comes from the negative side of myself.  

Agreed. I don't enjoy the forced jollity, overeating and have always stressed over present buying.

I live on my own, and have done for twenty years. I have spent two Christmases alone, one through illness, one in lockdown. Both were a relief...

Like birthdays, Christmas is just another day.  It's only 'special' if you say it is special.

Do something you enjoy: luxuriate in bed, or get out for a walk, ride, etc, and enjoy the quiet as everyone else is stuck inside.

I had a couple of them alone back in the early 2000s.

I packed a nice picnic, put my boots on and set off from my front door without a plan, solid day's walk and a proper night's sleep.

Some great comments on this thread.

If I were you I'd make some plans. Have some things that you want to do. Get some good food in, choose a film you always wanted to watch but never got round to it, get out a map and plan a walk to somewhere you've never been, get the stuff you need to do a project you've never had time for. Prepare now.

I've just bought a bunch of Christmas food already (busy supermarkets freak me out). I've got plans to walk up Blencathra 3 different ways in the same day (god knows why but doing pointless things is basically part of the definition of being a climber right?), I've just bought a sewing machine so I can fix up all my clothes that are falling to bits (I've never owned one before, I imagine it's going to take up a fair bit of time), I'm toying with ordering a Raspberry Pi and some bits and pieces for a random project to log temperature and humidity in my homemade poly tunnel thing (It's only a few feet across, calling it a poly tunnel is probably wrong but not sure what else to call it!).

I'll also probably post on here a bit just for the company. You're doing that already, that's good.

You're not being punished, the universe isn't sentient and doesn't care about you.

People do care about you, though; I've never met you and I still want you to do well. But if you constantly repeat that nobody cares about you, you'll gradually make it come true. I've been extremely low a couple of times in my life, and it's self-perpetuating, as you make yourself into bad company.

Stop dwelling on the self-indulgent misery you're cooking up and do something you'll enjoy, ideally something active as suggested above.

Or don't, it's up to you. If being miserable about it is what floats your boat just now, that's a valid choice too. But it is a choice, and you can break the cycle.

I don't see the point walking alone, I've done that plenty . I also have no money , I've had to give up driving as I can't afford a car anymore, so cant get any project stuff right now.

I have eating disorder issues and seldom cook for myself anymore. If I cook twice a week it's a win .  So it's probable that I just wont eat all day ,  I don't deserve it.

I'm actually really depressed now thinking about it. 

This is open to debate , do you think the universe is not aware ??

So emergent intelligence can appear in something as small as the human mind but not in the universe as a whole  , which is for all accounts infinite 

Fine I shall fu@k off and not talk.  I make the same mistake everytime.

Keep talking - You've not said anything untoward. The opposite is true!

This is really good advice. Ultimately your own mental health is your own responsibility. That doesn't mean you shouldn't seek help but it's a choice as to whether you do what you can to help yourself and to seek help when you can't cope, or not. 

Food is a basic human right, not something you "deserve" or not.  Literally nobody doesn't "deserve" food.

You don't have to do the things that work for me, but if I were you I'd find some things that work and are available to you.

I've found it really helpful to talk to Mind, someone posted a link above.

There you go again - you don't have to do that.

I don't see why it would be, anyway, and don't see any sign that it is. It's natural human ego to want to matter, to be part of something bigger and imagine there's an overarching purpose and something that cares about us, even if it only wants to make us suffer - but that doesn't make it real. As far as I can tell we only have each other to care about us, and the only purpose we have is whatever we make for ourselves.

Probably, anyway. What do I know? I'm just another confused wee animal trying to make sense of life, to make it feel worthwhile while it lasts!

Cars can be a pain (I've always had old ones). I've been flat broke in the past too. I thought you were working in education? Lots of jobs going at present, especially in retail with Christmas. Another job might get you out of the house meeting different people?

That most certainly is a win in my mind. I don't like cooking so will cook a big curry or stew and freeze portions - my microwave is my friend! Now and again I'll get a yellow stickered ready meal from work. Cooking is a right pain.

Rubbish! You're overthinking here.

All your 'downsides' seem to be in your mind. Get on indeed.co.uk and turn a new leaf over. That's what I intend to do next year (if I survive the unmasked funkwits sidling up to me!)

I’m going to bow out now. But I’ll leave you one last message if that’s ok. If your posts are sincere and from the heart, as I suspect they are, you need to talk to people far better qualified to help you than anyone on UKC.

Get the help you need and deserve. 

Reading this again, it sounds a little harsh. It's clear that the OP is struggling with more than "just" spending Christmas alone, and with that in mind, my comment sounds very trite. 

So, in addition to that, I wanted to say to the OP that although deciding to make the best of the situation is part of the solution, it's not the whole solution and I apologise for over-simplifying things. Take care of yourself, know that lots of people on here care about you, and consider getting yourself some help if you need it - there are some great resources on this thread.

Another thought - have you considered volunteer work for a charity or other organisation? It might get you out of a cycle of self analysis. I've done conservation work when I lived in an AONB and thoroughly enjoyed it. Stuff ranged from litter picking to wall building and woodland management. Even built fences around quarries for idiot climbers to belay off. Met a lot of very interesting and intelligent people and built a lot of bonfires. The warm glow extends to feeling that you've done something positive. The areas of need are infinite.

Loads of people are miserable at Xmas, either alone or with others, for various reasons

I get little or nothing special being with other adults at Xmas. Bah humbug. Being with children is great though, they're so happy 

In the 1990s I once had to spend Xmas alone in Osaka with little money and not knowing anyone. That was a bit odd..... and it was a normal working day in Japan, so nothing doing anyway 

Look forward to it.  I spent last Christmas alone and really enjoyed it.  Went out for a lovely walk (which I prefer doing alone anyway).  Did what I wanted the rest of the day.  No pressures and need to talk/socialise.

I spend all my working days with and dealing with people.  Outside of work I like to spend as little time with people as possible.  This has ramped up more recently where my work has become really stressful dealing with people and I have gone even more into my shell outside of work.

There is a massive difference between being alone and being lonely.  If you are just alone and happy with that, then forget what society says and be happy in yourself.  If you are lonely then try online dating again, get out to the wall and stop those inner demons taunting you.

You are normal (as much as anyone else is).

Convert to Judaism 😁 then you won't have to worry about Christmas again and you'll have other festivals to enjoy (actually I wouldn't advise this unless you've been previously done).

Remember that you've done Eliminate A on a sunny day - can't get much better experiences than that to reminisce on.

Not seen any of your 3D printing work recently - maybe you should ask UKC to think up a challenging project in that area.

He's not the Archmagos, he's a very naughty boy!  Seriously how do you fit Primaris Marines into a normie Rhino?  And what about the Terminators that now don't look like Terminators as they are smaller than your regular marines.  Pshaww.

On a serious note if you are up for a project for Christmas day but are skint PM me your address and I'll root around and find something nice for you to make/paint, can't think of a better way to spend Christmas Day myself!  

I must admit that when my sister had kids (I don't have any) it changed the whole feel of Christmas for the positive.

Volunteer at a Homeless Shelter for the day.

Or perhaps better, volunteer at a homeless shelter for the day before; it may encourage the OP to value what they have a lot more highly than they do.

I have great sympathies with TWS, as was.  It's a difficult place to get out of, but it can be escaped.  As before and as always, there's help here.

T.

I don’t have anything to add that hasn’t been said and very well put already but I’d second the last couple of suggestions about volunteering - either at a shelter or even a vaccine centre? 

Plenty of support here as I hope you’ve picked up on - best wishes for this time of year

Toby 

I'm on my own most of the time anyway so Xmas day alone again will be no different. Bizarrely, when I'm alone I want to be with people, but when I am with people I want to be alone. Xmas day I'll have a lazy morning watching rubbish on tv, go out for a walk along the river front, make my favourite homemade pizza for tea then start on the booze in the evening. 

That reminds me of Eric Shipton (or was it Bill Tilman?) who wrote that when they were high up in a tent in the Himalayas they were longing to be down on flat land...... But while they at home in the UK they were longing to be high up in the Himalayas

Resonates with me

It strikes that a vaguely Buddhist way of seeing things might be helpful, in ho2 the suffering of Xmas being difficult, comes from the desire for it to be a certain way, and from how one thinks about it being for other people in different life circumstances, seeing it as just another day, but with gloomier weather and certain tasty food in the shop, might help towards making it a little bit more agreeable?

I'm lucky enough to be seeing my oldest bro and his cool wife for a few days (3 in total), but I currently feel like I'd be happy enough at home doing my uni work, too, like the sense of that being done and off my shoulders would be a very good thing, because in the scheme of things it's only a few days out of a year...

Mate, I'm not sure what you want from this forum, or whether in fact this forum (just because of the sometimes abrasive nature of the members) is really doing you any good at all.  I've had you on my radar through at least three different usernames (TWS, AP, and now this one) out of genuine concern, because you seem like a decent bloke who is on a bit of a dark place sometimes. 

Your posts seem to follow the same general flavour... A opening post where you ask a question, a flurry of responses and dialogue, and then an eventual negative response / set of responses which you seem to focus on, and then use to convince yourself that you are worthless followed by an exit from the forum. You ignore all of the positive, supportive comments and only dwell on the negatives

You may not realise it, but there is an infinite amount of love and care and concern for you confined within these digital walls.  You vanished in the past leaving a very worrying comment on your profile which had a lot of people worried, and asking questions to the mods about where you had gone.  I'm sorry if saying this publicly makes you feel uncomfortable, but hey ho. I'm trying to make you realise how much we care. 

I care about you, and a lot of other posters do too. But I worry that the rough and tumble of this forum isn't good for you. Most people brush negative responses off without a care.  Others don't. I used to really let it bother me until I forced myself to stop taking it too seriously. You however seem to be more of a sensitive soul who takes it completely to heart. So I genuinely wonder if this forum is for you.

Now I know you will probably come back with "just as I thought, no one wants me, I'll just f#ck off*. But that is exactly the opposite of what I mean. I want you to be somewhere that doesn't put you in a dark place.

I don't want to treat you like a bloody child mate, and pussy foot around you. But these interactions with ukc never seem to end well for you and always seem to leave you in a worse place than when you started.

You've got my email address, and we're hooked up on Signal. Talk.

TC.