UKC

How are you and they coping emotionally?

The dad of the family who is with us spends a lot of time watching videos and reading stories of what is happening at home. Last night he bascially cried the whole way through dinner because of the amount of atrocities going on. He is particularly upset about the kids being orphaned, he himself grew up without a father and that has been a big thing for him in life, and now seeing so many kids ending up in the same position is breaking his heart. 

He is in no physical state to have stayed in Ukraine to either fight or do humanitarian work there, he would have been a liability in a war zone (his words). He has a "white ticket" which exempts him from military service.

It made for a very tough dinner time, I have no words of solace or anything I can do to comfort or help them. 

I think it will help when he gets a job so he has other things to focus on. They have a meeting at the Job center today and I think that is when his NI number should get sorted etc. He is being offered a trial day at a restaurant as a kitchen porter on Thursday so hopefully that will lead to some work and life being a bit more productive for him. It won't lessen the hurt of what he is seeing (and nor should it, it is right to be hurt and upset about what is going on), but maybe it won't be the only thing that he focusses on.

Anyway, no real point, just needed to get it off my chest a bit (my husband wasn't home at dinner last night, so it was just me there with them. The rest of his family just sat looking pretty somber too.) 

We are all getting on really well together and we are delighted that we are able to help them. The mum of the family is fully into the orienteering world now and the kids are happy in school. I introduced the mum and kids to the climbing wall yesterday too, they all loved that. So life is going well generally with them. 

We just have to keep remembering that through all the busyness and the mayhem of life, they are massively hurting and reeling from what is going on. 

Thank you for posting, it helps us to not forget the wide reaching impact of what's going on because of the war in Ukraine beyond the actual war itself.

We have a few Ukrainian families living near us as part of a 'holiday village' (self catering flats) is being used as accomodation for Ukrainian refugies and with the recent good weather the families, especially the kids when not at school, tend to be outside in the shared garden/play space. I usually say bonjour when I pass but much more is difficult as they don't seem to have much French or English. But it must be a shock for them to be in a small French Alpine village as most come from places like Kyiv or other larger towns/cities.

You could possibly learn a few words of Ukranian. 

I'm sure they appreciate the friendly gesture 🙂

The family with us have no English too. I speak Russian with them but it is hard for them to gain a level of independence outside of the home when they struggle to communicate. Google translate is being well used and they are already learning quite a bit. It will take time though for the adults to have good fluency.

We've applied...and are in the process.  Somewhere.  It's not really clear how the process goes!

Anyway, there's a group of families arriving that know each other, and we're trying to host one of their extended network.

I believe the process is now going a little more smoothly than it was at the start, but no doubt still a bit of a mess!!

If you need help with any of it, feel free to ask. I can't be sure I can help, but I can try. 

Hope all goes well once they do get to you!

I'm full of admiration for you doing this, can't be easy and I wouldn't have done it.

Very well done to you.

A relative has a lady from Ukraine staying in her flat. She is finding it quite challenging, having a new flatmate can always be a bit difficult and obviously there is the added trickynesses of the new flatmate being from quite a different culture and having significant emotional issues that it's hard to even work on because the situation in Ukraine is constantly changing. The lady is of a similar age to my relative though and speaks good English so I'm sure they will grow into it over the next few months.

I guess there are things that you just can't help with, but clearly on loads of other things you are helping hugely. Without and doubt at all, you are doing a good thing. Best of luck as you continue to host them and help them.

How are they doing for English lessons?  Some councils are offering free face to face (think you’d hear about this though), there’s plenty of online resources and I could email over plenty of stuff that I/we have developed for refugees (includes activities like word searches).  If you want anything or web links just say. 

Oh, you guys are legends in my book. And I’m probably speaking for everyone here. 

Going on the 3 dislikes on the first post and 2 on GM's second post not everyone agrees. Every community has its share of cock wombles I suppose. 

Definitely legends in my book, it's hard to imagine what the people of Ukraine are going through and for GM and her husband to step in and help like this shows real strength of character. She does have form for this though, at the start of the pandemic and she couldn't earn as a guide she got a job, did she go to a shop or a factory? Nope she became a care worker putting herself directly in the firing line for what at the time was an unknown and potentially deadly illness. 

There genuinely is no limit to my respect for this lady. 

Any resources you could send over would be great! Thanks!

The council do have some face to face lessons, but they have quickly filled up so our guests are waiting for them to find a day for another class. Hopefully this will be soon. In the meantime, they get some online ones and I have bought them a book called "English for Russian speakers" which is pretty good except for being American English. I sit down with them every so often and use some of the stuff in it which they have already done to have very basic conversations etc. It is all helping, but anything you have will also help too. 

Thanks 🙂

Will sort stuff. 

You are very kind, but we are far from legends. I have spent a lot of time in Russia and Ukraine and both countries have a very strong culture of welcoming people into their homes. I have enjoyed exceptional hospitality all over both countries and I wasn't even really in need. I was just travelling and could easily have got a bed in a hostel. It was really a no brainer for us to return the hospitality, especially when there is real need. We have 2 spare rooms, we love having people come to stay and we love the chaos and busyness. I think my husband finds it harder than me as conversations are trickier using Google translate, but he is happy to take the time to do so. 

The dad is seeming more upbeat today, he has been a bit busier and had his job trial confirmed, so I guess he has had more to take his mind off it. And he got the smoker going this afternoon and did an amazing smoked turkey dinner for us all! I'm not usually a turkey fan, but that was great 😊

Get used to the meat

I have a veggy friend that did a trip to Tallinn. The vegetarian options were as follows:

MaccyD: everything except the burger.

Bear in sauce: omitted the bear, but included the sauce.

Then he went to Iceland, and was offered a puffin burger.

Yes, our meat intake has soared since they arrived! We would normally have eaten meat maybe once a week, but now it is most days. It's fine, we like meat too, but I do have to look for ways to get more veg in now. 

When? I've not been to Tallinn for a few years, but in lots of visits over from the 90s onwards it has always struck me as a super tourist-friendly city and also a right trendy one too. I'm sure back in the old days it would have been hard to find veggie food just like in many countries, but I just stuck vegetarian restaurant Tallinn into Google and various "10 best vegetarian restaurants in Tallinn" come up along with a Google map showing them all clustered around the old town tourist hot spots. 

I have an Estonian friend, a former employee of mine, who works between Manchester and Tallinn, lecturing at both the Estonian Academy of Arts and Manchester School of Architecture. Anyway, she is a vegetarian and has no problem finding vegetarian food in Tallinn.

Just to add, people from Estonia, and presumably the other Baltic states, think of themselves as Northern European and get a bit annoyed if you group them culturally with Central and Eastern European countries.

Thank you for posting that. Huge respect to you and your husband.

I wonder if there might be a potential for PTSD going on with Ukrainian refugees generally, especially those who witness the atrocities first hand? From how you describe him, the dad may be harbouring it - or at least the beginnings of it - and almost feeding it by watching those videos.

Did you see the programme about the War Correspondent Fergal Keane last week on BBC2? Keane was diagnosed with PTSD after witnessing so many horrific atrocities in various war zones including Ukraine. He describes being involved war zones as 'addictive' and having a love/hate relationship with fear.

A significant part of his treatment was with the therapeutic intervention of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprogramming) described in the programme about 34 minutes in:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m0017795/fergal-keane-living-with-pts...

Although EMDR may look a bit wacky and 'out there', it is particularly effective in treating PTSD. There's some solid science behind it:

https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2017.01578/full

Seems things have moved on quite a bit in Tallinn since my mate visited, but my impression is that outside the cities, omnivorism is the norm, anywhere in Europe. Anywhere you go in rural France for example, being a veggie is going to get a few comments. Some cultures, Greece for example, have a menu that naturally provides great food, but in other places, e.g. Italy or France, it's all about the recipe, and that recipe has meat in it.

That said, not much beats a ratatouille, or aglio e olio.

What a wonderful thing you are doing to help people less fortunate than yourselves. You will feel proud of this for the rest of your life. 

Inspiring. 

Few will begrudge you coming on here to vent and get things off your chest, for it is a wonderful thing you are doing. We're in no position to do this and if we were, I can't honestly say if we would. Friends nearby who have a much bigger house than us are taking someone in. Massive respect to you, it is a shame that what you are doing is not the default. Round of applause, the world would be a much better place with more people like you.

As I've posted about before, we have hosted a total of 25 refugees in our home over recent years. There is no doubt it is an often highly emotional experience for everyone, including hosts. Almost by definition, most refugees will have experienced trauma of some kind, even before the trauma of flight and resettlement. My take is gained only through the raw experience of trying to muddle through helping. There were many grim times and I often felt I had nothing to offer - but that was because there was really nothing anyone could have offered in that moment. A lot of space is needed (emotionally, but than can also mean physically). We found that stories came out slowly and at their own pace. We probably never heard even half of it from most of them. The trauma is  not going to fade quickly. So listening when they want to talk and not pushing when they don't seemed critical. I think ordinary everyday stuff, like sitting down to eat together, is the best route to building bonds and trust. The children we hosted always seemed more resilient, or less prone to emotional swings, than the adults. But the most important things are those you're already doing; showing care and kindness. And I can promise the joyous moments come along too. Anyway, that's my experience. 

I can't believe you are receiving down votes. Truly depressing. 

Definitely echo this.  I don't think I could cope with the idea of someone I don't know living with me (even without a potential language barrier), I am full of admiration for people who do.

Thank you for posting and thank you for everything you are doing to help.

We initially applied to host, but realised we didn’t really have enough space for a family to live with us long term.

We have however linked up with a family staying with a host close by. Via our local refugee support group we were put in touch with the host since the family staying with him had a daughter a similar age to our little girl. We got together last week and have seen quite a lot of them over the last week as their girl has joined the local Rainbows group with our daughter and my wife has been busy making sure mum is sorted of all the mum stuff that us blokes don’t even think of.

They’ve been round for dinner again this evening and it’s been wonderful. Kids are awesome, no matter that there’s a language barrier they just seem to adapt and get on, the house has been so full of laughter and giggles all night it’s been just great. For mum & dad allowing their little girl to just have some carefree playtime with another kid was great.

Mum speaks pretty good English which makes communication easier, she and my wife really get on well, they are share a similar sense of humour and both have a similar life experience in terms of family and age. Dad speaks less English, but is learning fast. He’s blind - hence here not back fighting the Russians- which makes for a slightly more awkward situation with communication as language is the only means we can communicate. He’s got a wicked sense of humour though and an appreciation of good beer, so we get on . 
I think so far they’ve been so busy with getting sorted for school, and all the other admin they’ve not had too much time to dwell on what’s happened. It’ll come I’m sure, they are from Mariupol and had a pretty traumatic escape over a few months, eventually via Belarus up to Lithuania. Mum tonight said she’s not really sure about going back, whist she thinks their apartment is one of the few buildings standing, there’s nothing left to go back to, so many people have died and buried in graves in their backyard she’d feel like she was living in a graveyard. It’s hard to even begin to imagine the horror they’ve seen but not yet spoken of, and of the uncertainty over the future they face. It’s really hard to know what to even say really, all we can do is offer practical support for now, we’ve plenty of spare clothes, toys and the like we’ve been able to give them, and plenty of hugs.

For Dad it’s hard, it’s the second time he’s had to rebuild his life. He was a sportsman, playing volleyball and had been to the youth Olympics, then he lost his sight in an incident 20years ago and had to rebuild everything he knew. He’d adapted, built a new different life and now it’s all been taken away again. He’s quite stoic at the moment, but I do worry for him, there’s only so much you can take without it grinding you down.

They really are a wonderful family and in the short time we’ve spent getting to know them so far have made us think about just how lucky we are. Things we sometimes complain about, they really don’t matter when we consider what some people are going through.

Fair play to you Girlymonkey, you and your husband are living through supporting your family 24/7 with all the emotional support that takes. We are only seeing our linked family every couple of days so are likely only seeing some of what they are going through. 
 

Sorry, a bit of a long ramble, quite an emotional day - joy of seeing the kids playing and having so much fun mixed with listening to mum & dad’s story of what they’ve been though - and maybe just needed to write it down.

Sounds like you guys are being a key part of their support network! That's super. 

The heartbreak of what they have gone through from Marioupol must be immense and I am sure more and more of the trauma of that will come out as they settle more and have time and brain capacity to take stock of it all. 

It became apparent to us on bin day that the dad of our family is drinking a lot, we are now suspecting that he was maybe a functional alcoholic before the war and we suspect this whole situation has amplified it. We haven't chatted to him about it, not really sure how to. He has a work trial on Monday so hopefully that goes well and will help him to get structure back in his life which might help a bit. 

My husband and I are away in Jura for the weekend, arrived yesterday evening and after tea thought we would have a quick nap before doing something with the evening. That was 7.30. We woke up at 10.30, took the dogs out for a pee and then went back to bed and slept right through to 7am. I think it has been a more tiring few weeks than we have realized and this wee holiday (planned long before we had any idea we would be hosting refugees) is very much needed.