UKC

In reply to Marc C: Are you paying the authors?

In reply to Marc C: so that email invite u sent was real then... couldnt make my mind up if i did come along on saturday id be the only one their as a joke

In reply to Adders:

I'm going, although a bit scared cos I don't know anybody... This whole book thing has made me happier than i've been in ages!

So very very chuffed that Marc and Duncan and Gordon and everyone else put the effort in, it looks fabulous!

Ali xxx

In reply to Marc C:

nice one marc! we will defo get a copy

In reply to Marc C:

Ah, at last! Some actual printed material from the Meister, Marc C. I can't wait to get a copy. I hope you don't take my remarks as being ingratiating (as if! Fae me? No' likely!), but I'm glad you and other RT wits can now get a bit of cash from your obvious talent; I hope it funds further work.

More, please!

In reply to Marc C: that's pretty good that :¬)

congratulations to all concerned

In reply to Marc C:

Fantastic.

Mick

In reply to Marc C:

You are just doing this to bully me into finishing the 9th draft of "The Kompleet Angular - an Illustrated History of Gudgeon Fishing".

I am writing as fast as I can and Dazman is doing his best with the picutres but your retainer only went as far as 2 chicken Ginsters and a purple crayon.

btw - do you still want the word search.

In reply to John Rushby: Poetry? Limp wristed nonsense.

Here's some real poetry,

Al Reet youth
Ta climb tha roof
th'all need some gumption
not books 'bout bloody gudgeon

That's me!
tha's reet tha knows
Who else would it be
fooking southerners

In reply to John Rushby:

It gets worse... I inadvertently left the crayon on the mantlepiece above my radiator over the weekend. The crayon's melted all over the Snowy Owl chicks that I was keeping warm at the base of the radiator. The chicks look like some sort of David Ickes-ian vision of an owl, and their mother's not speaking to me.

In reply to DazMan:

I think we need to sit down with Marc then, if he has the time. I mean, in the old days he always had time for a chat but since he appeared on Front Row he has stopped answering my calls, my emails are no longer returned and that injunction makes drinking around Hebden Bridge very problematic.

In reply to John Rushby:

It's pathetic isn't it? Have you noticed that his profile now bills him as "RT Laureate (by appointment to climbing authors)"? He was always one to maintain that fame wouldn't go to his head. Absolute tosh. The last that I heard, he was seen schmoozing with Melvyn Bragg, discussing a one hour South Bank Show special... Well he won't pull the wool over my eyes. I remember him when he used to specialise in putting students to sleep, for a living.

In reply to DazMan:

I know, I know. I could have sworn I saw Gorple and he looking at a house for sale in Bloomsbury.

In reply to DazMan:

No, I think you're getting confused with the thing he got arrested for.

In reply to DaveH: No, he was arrested for what he did to Gorple. Why do you think that poor beagle headed for South America? It was the only place remote enough not to have heard!

The student thing was just a hobby, really...

The children in the quarry is what he REALLY wants to worry about.

In reply to Marc C:

Pah. A book, a party. That'll serve me right. I knew I should have spent my time plagiarising, ahem, i mean, 'adapting' poems, rather than helping out all those little children in the orphanage.

In reply to DazMan: You've got me all wrong! Fame HASN'T turned my head. You, DaveH, Rubbishy, Mighty Tim, and the rest of you creeps... you're all still my mates. Just because I'll be sipping daquiris in a beach bar at Malibu doesn't mean you're gone and forgotten (gone 'no', forgotten 'yes'). As the old saying goes, you can take the boy out of Rocktalk, but you can't take Rocktalk out of the boy (well, that was my alibi for why I couldn't remove my scrolled-up thread about Advanced Knots for Parcel-Wrapping from the 'person' of an unfortunate Boy Scout).

It's just that - as Gloria Swanson said in Sunset Boulevard - "I got big, but Rocktalk got small" (well, she didn;'t actually say 'Rocktalk', she said 'the movies'). Only this morning, I was saying to Jude Law and Brad Pitt (as we worked out at Muscle Gym), you can stay a big fish in a small pond or you can be a big slimy toad in a massive toady universe. I was a fish, now I'm a toad. Well, strictly speaking, an owl!

BTW The movie's out next month (Brad plays me, and Jude plays The Cragrat). Free tickets to a screening in a fleapit near you are on their way (plus signed copy of ToaC). I'll never forget you - every day I'll look at your profiles and sign wistfully, as I lash myself with the tail of a Lemur, "there but for the grace of God go I" .

Right, better go, Nicole Kidman's taking me to dinner..........

In reply to Marc C (RT Poet Laureate):

Hey Marc.......

Your American agent posted this:

http://www.rockclimbing.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=53467

In reply to Mick - Rockfax USA:

Someone (in between helping the darling little kiddies) even once posted a link to the original thread:

http://www.rockclimbing.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=569925&highlight=#56...

In reply to Mick - Rockfax USA: Thanks Mick. I'll buy you a drink in Bishop some day. Any chance you can leave some copies in the gas station at Lone Pine?

In reply to iceaxejuggler: Thanks! Voucher entitling you to 50p off a copy of TOatC in the post....

In reply to Marc Chrysanthou:

I can make some flyers up and leave them when I go down to the Alabama Hills next weekend.

I'm sure Doug at the Whitney Portal Store will want some copies.

http://www.whitneyportalstore.com/

I'll ask him.

Mick

In reply to Mick - Rockfax USA: Thanks, Mick.

Whitney Portal? That's nothing to do with a certain unauthorised Whitney Houston porn fanzine I used to subscribe to, is it?

In reply to Marc Chrysanthou: I'll send you details of my latest film project if you like... 'Badgers of Honour!'

In reply to Pete A:
Where are your badgers?
Badgers? We don't neeed no stinkin' Badgers!

In reply to Marc C:

Is it just me or does the Stonegold link not work?

In reply to Dave Garnett: The link should work fine, but on some computers it doesn't (something to do with the browser you're using, apparently).

In reply to Marc C:
I've updated my profile Marc:

http://www.ukclimbing.com/forums/profile.php?id=2437

I hope that you don't mind my cashing in on your imminent fame? I'm not usually one to ride on the backs of others. I normally like to plow my own furrow, make my own way, do my own thing etc etc. It's just that I haven't experienced any of my 15 minutes of fame as yet.

I took stock of things on the occasion of my 35th birthday recently and realised that I've now enjoyed half of my alloted three score year and ten. By rights, I should have enjoyed 7.5 minutes in the limelight by now. There's been no sign of it. It just hasn't happened for me yet. Consequently, I am now throwing all remaining vestiges of my shredded dignity to the wind in a concerted effort to capture what is rightfully mine.

I'm prepared to stop at nothing in my ambition, and will back any venture regardless of how lame it appears. Hence my trumpeting of my involvement with your homework project.

In reply to DazMan: No problem. I've had more than my 15 minutes of fame (not that I asked to be on that Tesco Store Detective's CCTV - and I certainly didn't ask for it to be shown on Crimewatch - the embaraasment of being seen stealing a Robson and Jerome CD!)

Every maestro has his less talented but enthusiastic understudy - Batman had Robin (probably), Roy of the Rovers had Peter the Cat (the brilliant goalie), Hitler had Himmler, Michelangelo had....well he had someone to to hold his easel and chisel......nice historical parallel that (thinking of all the times you've held my 'chisel')

I just hope that noone reads too much into the bit on your profile about you 'holding my crayon'. WE both know that The Owl & the Cragrat is a veiled pro-Gay polemic against the evils of homophobia and greyhound-racing, but it's so subtle that most book-buyers won't notice it.

Anyway, take a bow. You crave adulation like a sunflower craves Baby Bio. Plant your lips around the golden breast of stardom and suck....

In reply to Dave Garnett:

Dave, it should certainly work on the latest version of Explorer.

In reply to Marc C:

Right. Wrong browser. I had no idea how far all this had gone. I'm beginning to think the satellite surveillance wasn't such an over-reaction after all.

In reply to Anonymous:
Whereas at least my other browser knows who I am.

In reply to Gordon Stainforth:

Stonegold works on my browser, and I notice a lot of people on here get a mention as authors on it. Imagine, Dazman a poet

In reply to Marc C:

Forget it. I'm not falling for that line again. It was bad enough the last time when I let you talk me into playing Romulus, to Rushby's Remus, with you as the maternal she-Wolf.

I applaud you for having the desire to introduce primary school children to the delights of a classical education. However, I still contend that they would have been better served without being subjected to the re-enactments of key scenes. I appreciate your desire to 'really get into character', however, even hardened proponents of method acting would draw the line at rubbing wolf fat into their nipples. Are you mad!?! I could still taste it months later!

Are you aware that the children from class 3B are still traumatised following your energetic portrayal of 'The Oedipus Family Saga'?

In reply to DazMan: Living History dear boy! Surely you're not going to contend that my re-enactment of the last days in Hitler's bunker didn't give 2C a more in-depth understanding of WWII ? One family lost a loved son (the one playing Hitler), but they didn't seem to realise (in their overzealous desire to sue the school for compensation) that in REAL wars, millions die. I count myself to be a very humane leader - one dead, 3 children with minor burns and a traumatized classroom assistant - hardly major casualities FFS!

In reply to Marc C:

Good to see that you're up with the latest trend in education (problem-based learning). I'm looking forward to my reenactment of the Milgram experiments, only with real electricity for added realism!

In reply to DaveH:

In a similar vein, and, if possible, on a slightly more alarming note. Psychological experiments such as that have dissuaded me from attending Marc's Owl and Cragrat launch party.

Specifically, I'm aware of what went on during the Stanford Prison Experiment. Also, it hasn't escaped my notice that some prominent climbing publishers have been invited along to the launch of Marc's book. Is it inconceivable that a Machiavellian plot is being hatched as a means of gaining a monopoly in the climbing literature market? After all, with Wilson et al. out of the way, who could possibly step into their shoes?.....

In reply to DazMan: <with Wilson ET Al out of the way>?

Are you seriously implying that my rise to the heady heights of RT Poet Laureate is somehow connected to the deaths of Harold Wilson and the narrow loss of Al Gore in the Presidential US Election through fraud?
As to my involvement in the disappearance of E.T., well, that merely confirms your paranoia.....

In reply to Marc C:
the lady doth protest too much?

In reply to Marc C:

Maybe it's only me, but did anyone else find the original thread slightly embarrassing, more akin to 6th form yearbook standard?
Only adds fuel to the fire that the "climbers" inhabiting this site are nowt more than upper-middle class nancies, strutting round like peacocks saying "look at me Tarquin and Farquar, aren't we funny in a student-stylee-humour-type vein".
And Duncan Boring's illustrations are pretty dire, although slightly better than his usual standard mind you.
Good luck with the book/pamphlet, but I don't hold out much hope for it's chances.

As for that prick and his owls, don't bleedin' get me started.

In reply to Bruce Siggerson: Yep, It's you.

In reply to Bruce Siggerson:

Upper-middle class! Are you listening Mother? That's not a bad accolade for a lad from Levenshulme! Are you sure that I wasn't adopted or something? I've read "The Prince and the Pauper" you know?


I know the feeling. They can really get you down sometimes can't they? Look on it as a labour of love, take the bad times with the good, and, most importantly, never give up.

In reply to DazMan: <Upper middle-class nancies>
He has a fair point there Daz. On the council estate I grew up on, Hawthorn Way (where we lived) was so much classier than Cherry Way and Sycamore Way (the catapults our gangs used were made of the finest hickory; and our rubbish bin had our initials painted on in gold enamel paint). As for the Comprehensive I went to, then, compared with the Grammar School at the other end of town, our teachers had much sturdier canes and our polo ponies were remarkably well fed.

Didn't you know that the Government bases social class membership on one's enjoyment of poetry?

I - Live in mansions with libraries well-stocked with leather-bound editions of Wordworth and Keats.
II - Live in mews-style Executive houses - on the fake Mahogany sideboard in the hall, there's a copy of The Nation's Favourite Poems (dipped into occasionally when they want to phone in and vote for The Nation';s Favourite poem or add a verse to a Birthday or Bereavement card)
III - Live in soulless semi-detached boxes (with 2 cars parked outside - a Micra and a Cavalier) - Sarah (their daughter studying at the local college) may have smuggled a copy of Jim Morrison's poems and Morrissey's Lyrics into her bedroom. Though the parents may have vaguely fond memories of Pam Ayres and her poem "Ooh I wished I'd looked after me teeth".
IV - Live in tiny terraced rabbit-hutches (with whippets in the handkerchief-sized cobbled backyard and pigeons in the oloft). Think that an interest in poetry is an instantly recognisable indicator of homosexuality.
V - Live on depressing grey pebble-dashed damp-streaked litter-strewn council estates, with Sky satellite dishes sprouting everywhere. Not a book in the house - let alone a poetry book. Though a trend is developing to conceal drugs and guns in hollowed out editions of Milton's Paradise Lost (a favourite with gangsta rappas)

In reply to Marc Chrysanthou:
Hey I live in a two up two down terrace in Stoke-on-Trent. I have an extensive poetry collection from Richard Brautigan to Blake and I can recite Hamlet's soliloquy from memory. So where does that leave me then?

In reply to Duncan Bourne:

Saving up for slim volumes by Campion and Carroll?

In reply to Duncan Bourne:
In Stoke, of course!

In reply to Duncan Bourne: <An extensive poetry collection from Brautigan to Blake>?

From B to B! Had you said from Alvarez to Zamyatin, I might have been impressed

In reply to Marc Chrysanthou:

Marc, do keep up.

In reply to Duncan Bourne: As a sociologist, I like to back up my theoretical pronouncements with evidence...so I rang your neighbours (the number seems to be that of a public phone box out back by the shared lavatory). I mentioned your name, and they said, "Oh HIM! The gay cartoonist?"

In reply to Marc C:

I'm with Duncan on this one. I live in a cardboard box in the middle of the motorway (actually it's a council house in Wythenshawe but who's counting?) and my collection of books, poetry or otherwise is vast, diverse and essential to my very being.

Books transcend class.

In reply to Alison Bond: Just checked your borrowing records from Wythenshaw Mobile Library (the van with mesh grille windows, anti-gang warfare armour and a machine gun turret), and it tells me you have 2,765 books outstanding on your ticket. Please can you return these by Friday - otherwise we will have to send in our Special Forces Book Repossession Squad. Have a heart ! Hundreds of kids are being deprived of Enid Blyton, Beatrix Potter and JK Rowling because of your selfishness!

In reply to Marc Chrysanthou:

What do you expect it is only a small house!

In reply to Marc Chrysanthou:

That would be gay as in happy and carefree. The modern idiom hasn't made it into Stoke yet.

In reply to Duncan Bourne: With the advance orders we've received, you'll soon be able to move into a much bigger place with loads of rooms for books - Burslem Public Library (with £5 to spend on coffee and sandwich)!

In reply to Duncan Bourne: Can I just say I loved your modern-day Homeric epic of a day in the life of a climbing cartoonist: The Idiom and the Oddity?

I bought a copy in a charity shop in Hebden last week - 25p (but managed to haggle and knocked them down to 15p).

In reply to Marc C the Librarian:

Dagnammit! I've been rumbled. My attempts to sell the contents of the Manchester Public Library system on e-bay were thwarted from the start when some little upstart from round Todmordon way ripped me off by pocketing my rare First Edition of Mr Bournes seminal text 'The Taming of E2'.

I'll be sending the rozzers round, you mark my words.

In reply to Marc Chrysanthou:

don't forget to check out my other classic of Geek literature "The Repulsive"

In reply to Marc C:

I can assure you my first editions (those that will be left to family and friends in my Will) are all my own, however I fully intend to bring to your party my contraband copy of the sheet music to 'Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat' with "Property of Manchester High School for Girls" stamped on the fly leaf in indelible ink.

I have re-written the lyrics to the entire musical for your pleasure and will be performing it at full volume at intervals throughout the evening.

I will also be learning Hotel California so that I can perform the contribution posted on this site earlier today.

I have been told that my singing voice resembles a toad on helium, it is a unique and beautiful sound.

Ali x

In reply to Alison Bond:
I am looking forward to it.
Will you be doing all the costume swaps and everything?

In reply to Kev Wynne:


and this lady (jabs forefinger in kevins face) needs to get writing

In reply to Bruce Siggerson:

well, that told you didnt it bruce?



if you go for an executive position in the US, you are judged (so i understand) by how many failures you have had, and overcome. to try and fail is far superior than not trying at all.

it's irrelevant whether it sells stacks or not. the point is, they did it.

and you havent.

In reply to Duncan Bourne:

I have sewn a brace of technicolour Ron Hills together to fashion my dreamcoat. All I need now are some hamsters for the trimming.

In reply to Removed User: I work in Insolvency. We like failures too!

In reply to richard bradley @ work: I don't think we'll be requiring your services Richard - only this morning Mrs. Shuttleworth down the road put in an order for a copy (she mistakenly thought it was about natural methods of vermin control).

PS But please let us have your business card....

In reply to Removed User: Someone quoted David Brent last week: "If at first you don't succeed, make sure you destroy the evidence". Hmmm, do you think the moderators will be able to erase any trace of the poetry thread and the Owl & Cragrat from the forums AND people's memories. How will I ever be able to post again?? - "Oh, it's that failed poet Marc whatsisname, that'll teach him to put on airs and graces...saddo!"

In reply to Removed User:

Amazing how many presumptions some people are making about the book before they've even seen it. Bruce Siggerson calls it a 'book/pamphlet' (!), when in fact it is quite similar in format and size to The Nation's Favourite Poems (BBC publication) only rather better designed. And has he really seen all 18 of Duncan's final drawings? If so, I wonder where?

In reply to Marc Chrysanthou: I'll send the business card along with my order.

In reply to richard bradley @ work: Just of out now to make 50 people redundant. I mostly like my job but this bit is SH*TTY.

In reply to Marc Chrysanthou:
Or as Homer Simpson so memorably put it, "Trying is the first step on the road to failure"

In reply to Bruce Siggerson:

Ah bless. Nice to be associated with the talented Mr Norris and his "Marin Bore" creation though.

Try not to overwell us Bruce we aren't used to dealing with bulk orders

In reply to Bruce Siggerson:

and don't get me started either.

GG

In reply to Gormenghast:

Is there anybody else who doesn't wish to get bleedin' started?

The 'don't bleedin' get me started' amnesty ends today at 15:00. Speak now or forever hold your respective pieces. We're moving on to the 'don't f*ckin' ask me' amnesty after that.

In reply to DazMan:

What about the 'I've started so I'll finish' amnesty?

GG

In reply to Gormenghast:

That was last week. For God's sake, will you try to at least make a pretence of keeping up with th...... Oh, bugger it. Don't bleedin' get me started.

In reply to DazMan:

Ten minutes or so remaining on the 'Don't bleedin' get me started' amnesty.

Get them in now, while you still can.

In reply to DazMan:

Bugger, am I too late???

GG

In reply to Gormenghast:

Don't f*ckin' ask me.

In reply to DazMan:

How about a quick round of 'I'm coming up so you'd better get the party started'?

All together now!

In reply to DazMan:

Ok. But any idea how much longer there is on the 'And another thing...' amnesty?

GG

In reply to Marc C:

You bunch of friggin' philistines.
Honestly, it's 6th form humour at best, 3rd form humour at worst.
If any of you are at Glencoe this weekend, I'll be happy to argue the fact with you over a sandwich, but be prepared to concede your masculinity, as you will plainly DIE.
Jude will succumb to my c*ck this weekend, Brian will follow....

Bruce Siggerson

In reply to Bruce Siggerson:

Rather than speculating about the contents of a book before it is published, I suggest you remain in your little fantasy world of sex and aggression, and concentrate on your important cock, masculinity and sandwiches.

To correct some of your misapprehensions:

None of the banter of the original Rocktalk thread is included in the book, simply 79 of the best poems (out of about 120).

There is no reference to Rocktalk or any Rocktalkers in any of the poems.

Not all the poems are humourous. Several, including the first, 'I know that I shall meet my Fate ...', are entirely serious.

In reply to Bruce Siggerson: Hi Bruce, Sorry to have to inform you so publicly, but your credit card has been refused. So, if you still want 25 copies of the book, can you update your payment details? Thanks.

btw The address on your order form reads 'Cell 54, Her Majesty's Prison, Featherstone", do you have a postcode?

In reply to Gordon Stainforth: Listen Gordon, I'm sick of the whole project. I never wanted to have my name attached to such a second-rate book of doodlings and warblings in the first place. You promised me you could get my half-brother Alfonso freed from that squalid prison in Bolivia if I agreed to knock of a few poems. He's still there. You lied to me. You will be hearing from my solicitors very soon.

In reply to Marc Chrysanthou:

It's all your bloody fault, Marc. Your half-brother Alfonso turned out to be a retard with the mental age of about 15. Last time he was let out he was found wandering the streets reciting some of his dreadful 3rd Form poems, so they had to lock him up again.

In reply to Marc C:

Good website - who's to blame for that?

In reply to Marc C:

Dear Marc.

I admit I only looked at the page advertising our book on it last time, however now when I investigate futher I conclued that the above site appears to be a spoof.

I'm confused... is it all lies? Am I going to turn up at the party with my amazing ron hill dream coat and my little pot of hummous to find no-one there?

Am I doomed to spend an evening alone in Hebden Bridge with nowt but some sheep, an ageing hippie and 3000 lesbian potters for company (nowt wrong with that, but I might rethink the outfit is all)

Please assure me that the hours spent re-writing the entire opus of Tori Amos to refer to all our Rock Talk friends has not been wasted.

Best regards. Ali x

In reply to Bruce Siggerson:

I really resent this comment.

I don't know about anybody else, but I've always thought that my banter was more suitable for the primary school humour niche.

Marc and Rushby have obviously cornered the nursery school market with their infantile musings.

MickFax and Gordon probably operate at around the secondary school level.

I've got the likes of Norrie Muir, Coxy, and JJJ down as the undergraduates.

In reply to Bruce Siggerson:

I'll have you know young man that my reworking of Kipling got a standing ovation at the Rainbow reunion night and was read out by Bungle personally (Zippy refused to have anything to do with such, and I quote, "purile dross that no true thespian would ever allow himself to be associated with" but I have always regarded him as a bit of a tw*t anyway)
good luck with your Glencoe willy adventures but watch the frostbite in those snow holes

In reply to Alison Bond: Hebden Bridge's 300 lesbian potters! Ali, they're our main market - I've managed to convince their representative (Brenda Sheepgut) that several of the poems are homages to Sappho - e.g.
"I know that I shall snog my Kate, somewhere upon the moors of love" and "I wandered slowly 'neath Ann's shroud, And cast my eyes on her sweet frills".

Anyway, what's this about 'ageing hippy'? Gordon's not that old, and he's not a hippy.

In reply to Marc C:

I was thinking of the lovely Mr Bourne. He's just old enough to be ripe... like a fine cheese.

In reply to Bruce Siggerson:

I say Buggerson old bean, ask Smithers for one of his 'calming concoctions'...

Never fails, What?

GG

In reply to Kipper: The website is the work of a most excellent fellow called Grenville. In due course,
we will be having some video clips on it - e.g. Mine and Dazman's first ascent of Wizzard Ridge (in a snowstorm wearing zip-up Owl suits), Duncan's deification by a tribe of Amazonian Indians, and Gordon's nocturnal forays in search of the Faeries of the Wood (he's utterly convinced they exist - and we haven't the heart to disillusion him).

In reply to Marc C:

Just seen the banner... possibly the first time I've been really excited by advertising!

In reply to Marc C:

Faeries of the Wood? Marc, that's a brew I've never heard of. And i thought I was up in real ale.

In reply to Gordon Stainforth:

There's a microbrewery in Mytholmroyd where they fermet some mushrooms that grow under a mystical faraway tree there and make a 'Special Brew'

In reply to Alison Bond:

Maybe we should get an 'Owlish Cragrat' brew organised as a publicity stunt?

In reply to Gordon Stainforth:

Good idea! I'll take a barrel.

P.S. I'm working on some Owlish Cragrat suits. Upper half Owl, lower half Rat, complete with built-in harness, belay plate, and HMS krab. I anticipate big orders from the likes of Rock and Run.

In reply to DazMan:

The rat's tail could be useful for setting up belays, and the Owl's wings could prove very helpful.

In reply to Alison Bond:

I'm ripe alright you should smell my feet! The cheese analogy works well. But I shall take it as a compliment thank you

In reply to Marc C:
Marc call me pedantic but I fear that in all the excitement of compiling the poems and getting the book together we have neglected to specify the exact entomology of the Owl and the Cragrat. The rat is easily either a subspecies of rattus rattus or rattus norvegius but what of the owl? There are hundreds! I was working on it being strix aluco but it could just as easily be tyto alba or that cheeky little newby athene noctua. I don’t even want to go into the list of foreign owls. Can we clear this up please I am sure people are losing sleep over it. I know I am

Duncan (back on the tablets) Bourne

In reply to Duncan Bourne:

Duncan, sleep easier. I had exactly the same concerns and argued the point vehemently with Marc, Nick, and Gordon.

In a nutshell, the decision to go generic was a political one designed to evade any accusations of owlism or ratism.

P.S. For the record, I wasn't so bothered about the rat, but I thought that a Eurasian Eagle Owl might have made an impressive contribution to the whole thing.

In reply to Duncan Bourne: No use asking me. I wanted to call the book The Madman & his Beagle - but Gordon wouldn't let me

In reply to DazMan:

Well exactly but they are a sod to draw. I know far to many artists who are no longer with us because they failed to observe proper owl protocol when dealing them

In reply to DazMan:

Dear Daz

I thought the posting was about poetry reading in a pub called “The Owl & the Cragrat” until I read it.

Norrie

In reply to Marc C:
I've just discovered that you can order TOATC through Tesco Books. When do we get our first royalty cheques?

In reply to Meg: Haven't got time at the mo' to write royalty cheques, too busy raking in millions of pounds from Tesco sales - people doing their weekly shopping are taking a second trolley in with them to fill with copies of The Owl and the Cragrat!!

Belgians and French daytrippers are coming over to fill their 2CVs and Clios with boxes of Harry Potter and TOATC.

In reply to Marc C:

To all who contributed to The Owl and the Cragrat:

Just to let you know that I've just seen the first sewn but untrimmed copy of the book, hot off the press from the printers. It looks superb.

(Just a 1000 hours work and 2014 emails since I started work on it on Dec 27 - that's all it took!
Yes, I am feeling very happy at this precise moment.)

In reply to Gordon Stainforth: Well done Mr. Stainforth! Without your single-minded commitment and your pursuit of the highest standards, the book would never have seen the light of day. It's been a pleasure and great fun working with you. Sorry that I hardly ever (if ever!) gave way on anything. I just always knew I was right........

In reply to Marc C:

Most often you were right, but sometimes you were wrong. Big arguments, usually leading to the bottle - in your case much, and in mine merely some, gin ... (Sorry, in joke, folks!)

I'm being naughty now, Marc, and have opened a celebratory bottle of wine! Or, should that be open'd? ... Arrgghhh!

In reply to Gordon & Marc:

Well done to all concerned!

I'm looking forward to seeing the finished product.

In reply to Gordon Stainforth:
I look forward to seeing it. Well done Gordon, Marc and of course Nick
The Pinot Noir is cooling in the fridge as we speak

In reply to Duncan Bourne: can i presume people know about the spelling mistake on the banner? adpated ..... or is it intentional?

In reply to Adders:

Adders, we corrected that several days ago. Please don't tell me it's back! I'm sure it was looking fine when I last saw it this morning.

In reply to Adders: Spelling mistake: Adapted?! Don't be silly! Originally, as you well know, you and your friends Pat and Ed were going to submit some of their wonderful poems - unfortunately, Pat and Ed died in a helicopter accident, and the only poem you wrote (as part of your grief 'work'?) was Stanzas on First Hearing a Rotary Engine Falling Through The Sky. That's why the banner still reads Ad Pat Ed - the REAL typo is the word 'by' - it should read "Ad Pat Ed AND Rocktalk authors". Hope this clarifies. Hope your doing OK. I'll send you my tribute short story - 'Three become One' (no, not the article of the same title I had published in Swingers Magazine last year).

In reply to Marc C: BTW The book is now listed on amazon.co.uk !

In reply to Marc Chrysanthou:

So it is, along with the qualifier "This hard-to-find title is subject to an additional handling charge of £1.99 per item (excluding VAT)."

Hard-to-find? What have you been doing with it? Didn't I tell you that your "brilliant marketing idea" of inserting copies of the book into various cracks and breaks on climbs throughout the Peak was a duff one? What's happened to the rest of the copies? Have you taken to burying them as part of your ridiculous "nesting of the gear ritual"?

In reply to DazMan: Well, I had the original idea of a Munro-bagging equivalent in The Peak - provisionally entitled The Toacs, it consists of locating and collecting all 17,775 buried or hidden copies of the book.

In reply to Marc Chrysanthou: still spelt wrong today on my computer....

marc please dont bring up the pat and ed tradedy in public, its a personal matter than i have still have issues with! ( at least they got a free scattering - RIP )

In reply to Adders:

Yes, Marc's very insensitive when it comes to such personal tragedies, yet he is the first to complain if anyone dares mention the fate of his old friends Di and Versity (admittedly they were very strange, particularly Versity - though I suppose any bloke called Verity would want to change their name) . Ask him about it, and see what sort of response you get!

In reply to Gordon Stainforth:

Di and Versity? I'd forgotten all about those two. Aren't they the pair that went missing in suspicious circumstances near Lumbutt's Quarry? A terrible tragedy to befall a couple of lovely girls. It was common knowledge that some folk thought them to be lesbian. This was incorrect. Di was certainly partial to the odd woman, but liked men too. Versity batted straight down the middle. It's since emerged that they were sometimes known as Bi-Di and Uni-Versity.

In reply to DazMan:

No, you haven't got it quite right. Di was actually murdered and ended up quite literally in a trash bin. The transexual Versity went into hiding for a while, but later shacked up with a certain Adrian, a much more acceptable partner, and rumour has it that they lived happily to a ripe old age. But just DON'T ask Marc about it! He doesn't like being reminded about the whole shocking affair.

(You will, however, be able to find out more about it on page 59 of TO&TC when it comes out tomorrow.)

In reply to Marc Chrysanthou:

which gives Gordon some nice new click-thoughs (clicks-though?) to this other books - it occurs to me that there's no harm mentioning . . .

In reply to rich:

Thanks, Rich, much appreciated!

In reply to Gordon Stainforth:

Gordon... I never knew you worked on my favorite films... Labarynth and Legend.

Tell me you worked on the Princess Bride and I just might love you for ever!

xxx

In reply to rich: OK OK, he's done a few quite good books (not quite up to the standard of photos I take, but give the lad credit for putting them together), but up till now he's lacked the Firm Hand of a first-rate editor and the Inspired Mind of a writer of creative genius. The Owl & the Cragrat makes The Cuillin look like a great book...in comparison with the O & the C, Eyes to the Hills becomes a masterpiece.....

In reply to Gordon Stainforth: s'nothin' mister

In reply to Marc C:

It's today... it's today!

Has any one seen one yet? I need one for my mum, one for my daddy, one for my lover and one for my nana!

And mine too.

(still expecting this to turn out to be an elaborate hoax!)

Ali xxx

In reply to Alison Bond:

They are being delivered today, Alison, to Stonegold, so you should be able to get it via the Stonegold website from tomorrow. Also via UK Climbing and Amazon and Tesco books v soon.

In reply to Gordon Stainforth:

Hurrah!

In reply to Alison Bond: Books will be available at Saturday's party. So if people want to buy multiple copies for friends, relatives, lovers, pets, old school teachers etc. that would be great (cheques or cash).

In reply to Alison Bond:

not after the amount of work poor mr alcock put into it! and duncan's rather nice illustrations

In reply to Marc Chrysanthou:
I need to get one for my Mum and my Nana.

see you there. A x

In reply to Alison Bond: Yes, I have a book in my hand (and several million in my garage) ! They are selling like hot cakes (you think people would be hungry for hot cakes with this cold weather!). Anyway, it is really great tosee all that hard work and creativity transformed into such a lovely book. Backslaps and high fives all round!

In reply to Marc C:


Hiya Dave Garnett.

Are you still all right to give me a lift tonight?
Please could you text me (if I gave you my mobi, i think I did.) if not, could you email me on this address cos I'm at home and the one on my profile is my work!

Marc. If I don't here from Dave by about 5 oclock. Could you re-give me the directions to your place cos i've left them inside my work computer. Either by email (top of this post, I hope) or, Gordon has all my numbers!

Cheers. Ali xxxxxxx

In reply to Marc C:

Thank you and Jude and Gordon and all the other people for providing a brilliant nights entertainment. All the hard work was worth while.
Highlights were Duncans outfit and his mingling of the words of the bard and bowdleriser; Kates punk song, with outfit and movements that had us in stitches; Nicks outrageous combination of outfits; Gordons accent in his reading, had Rushby thinking it was his old schoolmaster; the singalong at the end.
All in all an excellent evening, and early morning.

In reply to Marc C:

hi marc, sounds like you all had a great time soz we didnt reply to the invite, brian only checked his hotmail on friday for the first time in weeks and by then we'd already got the children coming for the weekend, otherwise we would have come along. gutted we missed it!

In reply to sutty:

Just to second all those thanks...

*Available now folks, buy one at double the price and get another free....*

In reply to sutty:
A truelly excellent Launch Thanks to Jude and Marc and a cast of thousands (well 10's)
What Next? RT the Musical?!!!!

In reply to Duncan Bourne: Thanks to all the guests for entering into the spirit of things - lovely to put real personalities and faces to RT personae and book contributors. Everyone seemed to have a really fun time. Wish I had a bootleg video of the 'entertainment' - from the puppet show to the last rousing chorus of 'No Way!'.

PS We've discovered 3 items:
1. a bag with 2 pairs of rock boots
2. a black zip-up toiletry bag
3. a POD chalkbag
Let us know if they're yours.

Kate, your sleeping bag cover is safe. Dazman had it about his person (you may want to wash it).

In reply to Marc C: Tim, I think you left your coffee pot and coffee!

In reply to Marc C:

Thankyou Marc & Jude for hosting a great launch party! Congratulations to all for producing a lovely, lighthearted, enjoyable book. The entertainment (dir. Gordon Stainforth) was superb. Much alcohol was consumed, the food was delicious, the cake exquisite. I had a great time! Here endeth the hyperbole

PS Anyone attending the Portland meet who would like to get hold of a copy of TO&TCR make yourself known to me as I shall be bringing a several copies with me for purchase (price £5.95).

In reply to Tiggs:

Hope you got mine and Judith's *signed* by everyone. Glad you had a good time.

Now get back to some serious training for Glencoe 2005, please! 3000 vertical feet on a step machine, twice a week, carrying a 10kg rucksack, should just about do it!

In reply to Rob Naylor: Rob, that's nothing on my real Iron Man training regime - every day I lug 175,000 unsold copies of The Owl & the Cragrat along the high streets of the nation from Lands End to John o'Groats. The load gets progressively lighter as I sell a copy here and there - but I compensate for this by carrying Gordon's legendary 'organ' on my shoulders (ask Tiggs for details!).

In reply to Marc C: Hi Marc and Judi - Many, many thanks for a brilliant party. And thanks to all the party animals (Hi, Timmy ) who gossipped, laughed, sang, imbibed, strummed, plinked, munched, and emerged from the cellar - until dawn - in outrageous party hats and party garb. I've been reading the Owl 'n Cragrat, too, since I got home - I'm sure it'll be a classic...... freed

In reply to Marc C:

Marc. Many many thanks to you and Jude for a wonderful evening. Thanks Tiggs for driving back to London (good plan given my prevailing condition!) and thanks to all at the launch. A party to remember!

Nickers

Oh Marc, the POD chalk bag is mine....errrr, where did you find it?

In reply to Rob Naylor:

Yep! Your copies are in the *safe* hands of Nickers Alcock who hopefully made it back to Tunbridge Wells last night - you might have to remind him that he's got them though!

Yessir! Training regime to commence with immediate effect <salutes>

In reply to Nickers: Nick, I found your chalkbag in Dazman's Owl pjyama case (together with a note reading 'Memento of a wonderful night with Nick'). Don't be hard on yourself. Everyone understands - we'd all drunk rather too much, these things happen, one would have to be super-human not to yield to such powerful and beautiful impulses. Right, subject closed as far as I'm concerned.

In reply to Marc C:

Hello, and Thankyou! To Marc and lovely Jude for your hospitality, To Dave G for the lift and introducing me to Halkwind. To Tiggs for the puppy info, in fact, to EVERYBODY for being really nice to Timmy, who loved all the attention. To Nickers Alcock for being so pretty, to Gordon for organising proceedings in exemplary style, to Duncan for being his usual chirpy and entertaining self, even to Sloper, who isn't so much a barstool in real life, and who is, actually, surprisingly fluffy. To Gingerkate for being a proper sexy minx, with the two fabbest outfits of the evening, to Bunnyhead cos she's ace. To Sutty, for scaring the sheet out of me, when he was hiding in the cellar, and for Mr Le Gray for having the plinky plunky music with the fairies in and to the man in the Hawaiian shirt who I have temporarily forgotten his name, but who I like because he was nice to my dog.

And to everybody else there, thanks for a lovely evening! It was very nice to meet you all! Ali xxx

In reply to Marc C:

No Marc! You've got the wrong end of the stick here. That note was meant to be read sarcastically, not tenderly.

A 'wonderful night with Nick' my arse! It was anything but, and this was largely due to his arse - specifically, the vapours arising from within it. It's a wonder that I made it through the night. His high-decibel snoring was a minor inconvenience in comparison.

I took the time available during my hungover flight back to Ireland, to compose a parody of Nick's 'Ode to a Night in a Gale'. I've called it 'Ode to a Night by a Flatulent Male'. Never again. My sleeping bag was impounded by customs on suspicion that it was some sort of new chemical weapon. I trust that this explains my wakeing comment of "I know that I have met my fate."?

Flatulence aside, many thanks to all concerned for a very enjoyable evening. It was great to meet everybody. Good luck with your efforts to institute the Calderdale chapter of the Hell's Angels. One words of advice though, ditch the owl design on your helmet. Other Angels won't take you seriously.

In reply to Marc C:

And the bag with the two pairs of rock shoes in it might be mine, if they are both boreal, and one pair is red and the other pair is blue.

Don't worry about rushing to give them back though, I don't like climbing anyway!

Ali x

In reply to DazMan:



Whilst I applaud your creativity, I do hope you realise that you may be contravening many copyright issues here, together with our old friend *intellectual property*

As for *passing off* well I don't think we should go there, after the other night... Do you?

Vegetarian Chilli.


Nickers

In reply to DazMan:

Go on, spoil it all by blaming it all on the chilli having plenty of beans in it. Make Jude cry you will, she will offer you pegs to put on your nose IF she ever invites you to her abode again.

No mention of Sundays activities has been posted, did people go to Bridestones or the wall?

In reply to Marc C:

Yes, let me add my congratulations to all responsible for organising such entertaining owl-related japery. And well done to the nation's social services for entrusting so many terminally confused people to the care of Marc and Judi.

I have one small criticism of the book, however. Surely some room could have been found on the cover to quote the brilliantly entertaining e-mail from John Dunne?

In reply to sutty: Sunday morning? I got into bed around 5, only to be disturbed by Rushby's naked torso on the couch across the room... I'm not sure who he'd got in there with him, but she was blonde!

Then I was woken at 9 by feeble cries, (and a weird stench) from Sloper's side of the room, "Real coffee, with milk, no sugar, Peasants!" but sadly to no avail. So muggins ended up trekking to the camper for the espresso machine, and supplies.

After the third cup, I started to wake, only to find Nick was STILL on the Stella! I pity his liver. I then found myself in a surreal debate over Tom's plans for selling Real Estate in Heaven, with a money back guarantee? This led on to a TAPED chorus, or 2, of "No Way!".

We left for home around 1, in driving rain, having abandoned ANY plans for climbing, owing to the conditions, and our debilitated condition. Somebody must have got some climbing done, though. I was contentedly sitting on the bog when the house shook, as somebody fell off Marc's attic climbing wall? Who was it? The falling dust made me sneeze. I thought I was living the dining scene from "Carry on up the Khyber"!

Congrats to all, for a memorable night, especially Sutty, for his subterranean appearance, and Kate for her outrageous performance! Oh, not forgetting Gordon's star turn (Where did you get the outfit? An RSC cast off from Henry V???)

Tim, TG (Not to be confused with Timmy, as he's the Brown and Black one)

P.S., Yes, Marc, I DID leave the espresso machine. I only found out at the services on the M1, and ended up paying an extortionate price for a poor imitation!)

In reply to O Mighty Tim:

Not me, but I was up there intermittently during the evening. I'd nearly completed the route I was doing, and then I encountered a SPINNER! Bastard, I bet Marc did that deliberately.

In reply to O Mighty Tim:

Errrmm... I think that was me! I blame the hangover and slippery holds. Whose idea was it to smear vaseline all over the slopers at the top anyway? Luckily, my fall was broken somewhat by a collection of action men that had been hidden under an old blanket.

In reply to Marc C: really sorry i didnt make it - paul phoned me last night and said how great it was so i feel suitably jealous now - sutty the ghost sounded fantastic!

In reply to Marc C:
Thankyou all for such a brilliant party and especially Marc and Judi for hosting it, the food was great and the entertainment brilliantly bonkers.
Thanks Ali and other who appreciated my outfit, I did have fun, that was what I wanted to wear when I was 16 but they wouldn't let me out of the house

In reply to gingerkate: BTW, to one and all, if the photos come out, I can be bought off...

8^)

In reply to Marc C:

While you were looking around, Marc, you didn't happen to find my brain? I think it may have rolled under the fireplace at somepoint during the evening. It's only small and covered in chalk, but I feel quite lost without it. Perhaps you could stuff it in a Jiffy bag and send it on down, old chap....

Many thanks

Nickers

In reply to Nickers: I replaced it with a good tory one, so any time soon you'll be lurching to the right and foaming at the mouth, oh sorry, you did that anyway.

In reply to Alison Bond:

God, Alison, don't go telling everyone that I listen to Hawkwind. I know I said that it's so retro that it's cool, but I'm not sure that's how the style police will see it!

Great party, thanks Marc & Jude. I have to say that Sven is still not speaking to me. He doesn't do rejection and Kirk's brutal non-attendance has been hard on him. It took a lot of guts to just turn up looking like that, although I did point out that Kate comfortably outdid him.

Good to put some more faces to noms de plume. Scarily, you are all exactly what I had expected.

In reply to O Mighty Tim: We KNOW (as you so indelicately put it) that you can be 'brought off' - but I hardly think in public, during the party, with a man in an owl suit (sloper? nick? rushby?) was the time or place. I'll put your total loss of decorum down to grief at the loss of your espresso machine (btw I can't quite figure out why it's all clogged with greenish leaves and gives off an almost hallucinatory odour?)

In reply to Dave Garnett: Nothing to be ashamed of Dave. I once owned a copy of Space Ritual Live. Indeed, Dazman and I are thinking of creating a tribute band, called Owlbreeze.

PS Do you think I should post my PhD here on RT?

In reply to Nickers: Was THAT your brain, Nick?! Oh dear, I presumed it was an owl pellet, and have been sucking on it all day; supposed to be good for sore throats (as recommended in 'Ma' Gresty's Hearthside Apothecarist)

Very little now left I'm afraid. Are you sure you need it? You seemed to manage passably well without it all evening.......odd behaviour, yes, but nothing that set you apart from any other guests.

In reply to Marc C:

It was indeed the Space Ritual that we were listening to. Down Through the Night is best appreciated driving through a blizzard in the dark I find.

As for the PhD, I wouldn't just give it away. Set up a pay per view service. And then charge extra for a glossary.

As I said, that Jeremy Rifkind is a bad man. For real insight, give me a call.

In reply to Dave Garnett: noms de plume?!!!* Sacre bleu! I think your excursion into French should have ended with your massacre of my chef d'ouevre (Chanson d'Amour d'Un Grimpeur), Monsieur G. Kirk left the building in disgust after he heard you - he was supposed to make a surprise appearance by abseil down the chimney (but we had to use sutty instead).

* not to be confused with Dazman's Irish-French punk band Les Hommes de Plumes.

In reply to DaveH: <I'd nearly completed the route...when I encountered a Spinner>

Was he wearing a v-neck effect polo-neck jumper and strumming 'The Ink is Black, the Page is White'? They were supposed to join in on 'No Way!' I dunno; £50 and the buggers didn't show ! Maybe Mr. S's (aka 'the Gorgon on the organ') playing turned them to stone...

In reply to Marc C:

Massacre indeed. Did I mention that I had breakfast with Mme D? I may have. Anyway she didn't think my poetry was 'too scholarly'. Oh no.

In fact it reminded me of the effect spoken Russian had on Jamie Lee Curtis in a Fish Called Wanda.

Did I mention that I met Jamie Lee Curtis one time skiing in Utah?

In reply to Dave Garnett: 'Too scholarly'? Look, Dave, we were just trying to be kind! What Gordon actually said to me was, "Call this poetry? I've never read such a load of bollocks in my life. If you hadn't agreed to include it - so he gives us a mention in his next guide - I'd sue him for deformation of literature"

Oh, and Catherine et moi are (as I type) working on a sequel to The Owl & Cragrat entitled 'Le Hibou et l'Alpiniste'. This will comprise of my magnifique 'adaptations' of Baudelaire, Verlaine, Hugo and de Musset.

In reply to Marc C:

La voie est vaine,
un peu d'amour,
un peu de peine,
et puis la tour.

La tour me crève,
un peu d'espoir,
avant une toit brève,
et puis au revoir!

In reply to Marc C:

My tribute to Marc, Judi, Gordon, and Duncan:

‘Owl (with apologies to Allen Ginsberg)

I saw the biggest punters of my generation destroyed by
madness, drunk and hysterically naked,
dragging themselves through city streets at dawn
looking for a buildering problem,
beanie-hatted Prana wearers summoning the nerve
to go for that storming dyno on the scaffolding at night,
who pot noodles and lager and hollow-eyed reading High sat
up smoking in the supernatural darkness of
university flats floating across the tops of cities
contemplating jazz mags,
who bared their souls to Stanage on E-grades and
saw belay bunnies baring their flesh at the wall illuminated,
who passed through universities with Julbo shaded eyes,
hallucinating Mallory and Irvine-like tragedy
among the climbing of yore,
who were expelled from the academies for crazy &
climbing campus buildings to the window of the Dean,
who lounged in untidy rooms in Ron Hills,
spending their money on Stella and watching Stone Monkey on the vid…

I’m with you in Rocktalk
where you’re madder than I am
I’m with you in Rocktalk
where we all are very strange
I’m with you in Rocktalk
where you climb like my mother
I’m with you in Rocktalk
where you’ve murdered your twelve owls
I’m with you in Rocktalk
where you laugh at this invisible humour
I’m with you in Rocktalk
where we are great climbers on the same dreadful crags
I’m with you in Rocktalk
where fifty more chockstones will never return your soul to its body again from its pilgrimage to Touching the Void
I’m with you in Rocktalk
where we hug and kiss the Peak District under our bedsheets the Peak District that rains all day and won’t let us climb
I’m with you in Rocktalk
where we wake up electrified out of our hangover by our own souls’ triumphantly topping out on impossible projects they’ve come for stardom the rocks illuminate themselves imaginary slabs yield
I’m with you in Rocktalk
O slender belay bunnies run outside O clouded gritstone shock of mercy the eternal climb is here O victory forget your bouldering mat we’re free
I’m with you in Rocktalk
in my dreams you trudge sweating from an epic climb on the Eiger’s north face to the flaps of my tent by the campfire at night

In reply to Alison Bond:
*sheesh*

Glad to know I make such an impression!

I love your dog as much as I love you
But you may fade, your dog will always come through.

All he asks from me is the food to give him strength
All he ever needs is love and that he knows he’ll get

So, I love your dog as much as I love you
But you may fade, your dog will always come through.

All the pay I need comes shining through his eyes
I don’t need no cold water to make me realize that

I love your dog as much as I love you
But you may fade, your dog will always come through.

Na, na, na, na, na, na, nana...

I love your dog as much as I love you
But you may fade, your dog will always come through.

Na, na, na, na, na, na, nana...

I love that dog, baby, I love that dog. na, na, na...
I love that dog, baby, I love that dog. na, na, na...