Admit it, you're guilty. When you fall off, it's never your fault. The conditions weren't right, your belayer is an inattentive fool and the latest rock shoes you bought just aren't up to scratch. They say a workman never blames his tools. A climber, on the other hand, can apportion blame for failure to a seemingly endless list of both plausible and immaterial causes.
The most imaginative of climbers have an eye for detail when it comes to conjuring excuses reasons for falling off. Logic goes out the window and all manner of incongruous cause-and-effect explanations come to the fore. Inadequate morphology, unknown external influences, pre-session nocturnal alcohol consumption or previously uncharted fluctuations in gravitational forces - all legitimate reasons for those with expertise in excuses.
What's the most ludicrous excuse for falling off that you've ever heard? It may well feature in this list. Walls have ears...
I Fell off Because…
- It’s a high gravity day
- The walk-in tired me out
- My shoes are too old
- My shoes are too new
- My shoes are too big
- My shoes are too small
- My shoes were dirty
- The route was chossy
- I didn’t have a cup of tea beforehand
- I didn’t have Weetabix for breakfast
- I wanted to do a practice fall
- I climbed yesterday
- I haven’t climbed since yesterday
- My hands were greasy
- The hold was wet
- I ran out of chalk
- My chalk isn’t absorbent enough
- I used too much chalk
- The tick marks threw me off
- I had a cooking injury last night and cut my finger
- I was live-updating my UKC Logbook
- It started raining
- The wind blew me off
- The sun came out
- The sun disappeared
- My belayer pulled the rope tight
- It was sabotage
- The pads were in the way
- My mate gave me rubbish beta
- Crimps aren’t my thing
- Slopers aren’t my forte
- My fingers are too fat for pockets
- Jugs aren’t my strongpoint…
- I’m too short
- I’m too tall
- My legs are too long
- My arms are too short
- My legs are too short
- My arms are too weak
- I’m not flexible enough
- Falling looks great on a GoPro
- My skin is sore
- My feet are achy
- My training program only started 6 months ago
- I’m due to peak in a week’s time
- I’m too old
- I’m too young
- I’m past my physical prime
- I’m more of a boulderer
- I’m more of a trad climber
- I’m more of a sport climber
- I’m more of a rambler or scrambler than a dangler
- I'm more of an alpine climber
- I'm more of an armchair climber. Wait, what?!...
- The route wasn’t my style
- The route was rubbish
- Rockfax told me to go the wrong way…
- The crag was too busy
- The crag was too quiet
- I ate too many baguettes
- I didn’t have my protein shake
- I drank too much last night
- I didn't drink enough last night
- I didn’t do my yoga this morning
- The ambience wasn’t right
- The route has clearly changed
- The jug fell off
- There was a spider
- Thee was a snake
- There was a bird
- There was bird poo on the hold
- The hold broke
- I didn’t want to polish the holds
- The bolts ran out
- The bolts were rock-coloured and camouflaged
- My belayer farted
- I farted and lost my body tension
- I forgot to breathe
- A dog barked
- A bird laughed at me menacingly
- Local youths shouted abuse at me
- My phone rang
- I didn’t want to show up my mate
- I didn’t want to get too tired
- I got a whiff of smelly climbing shoe
- Onsighting is boring anyway
- I like the challenge of redpointing
- I wanted to pretend I was Superman
- I wanted to pretend I could fly
- Falling looks cool
- Adam Ondra falls off lots anyway
- My beanie fell over my eyes
- I got chalk in my eye
- I got grit in my eye
- I got muscle cramp in my forearms
- I got Elvis leg
- I got grit rash
- I spent too much time on the UKC forums this week
- I don’t ‘do’ tufas
- My spotter pulled me off
- A drone flew past
- There was too much rope-drag
- My mum told me to come down
- I don’t climb well on Wednesdays
- Nor any day ending in a ‘y’
- I was wearing too many layers
- My lycra was so bright it dazzled me
- I rested too little yesterday
- I rested too much
- I got too hot
- I got too cold
- My mate put a brick in my chalkbag
- Nobody was shouting “Allez!”
- People were shouting “Allez!”
- There were too many spectators
- There weren’t enough spectators
- I spent too long trying to remember what the guy did in the YouTube beta video
- I wanted to log “DNF” in my UKC logbook
- The route wasn’t in season
- My picks are too blunt
- Conditions were not perfect
- Conditions were “smeggy”
- Conditions were "disappointing"
- Conditions were [insert pretentious synonym for 'wet']
- The wind changed direction
- My photographer wasn't there to capture the ascent anyway
- The light was flat
- I got summit fever
- I was actually on the wrong route
- I mistook the 5c for the 9a beside it
- I didn’t want to resort to trying hard and swearing profusely
- My hair blew in my face
- The friction coefficient was less than ideal
- My nails were too long
- My biceps are so big I couldn’t lock-off low enough
- I broke a nail
- I didn’t have my lucky sending underwear on
- I didn't perform my pre-redpoint ritual
- I don’t like the colour of my mate’s rope
- The quickdraw bit me
- I got out of the wrong side of bed this morning
- The girl before me put grease on the holds
- My shoelace came undone
- I haven’t cut my toenails this week
- Someone on UKC said it was “tough for the grade.”
- My knot got caught on the rock
- I just slipped
- I let go…
- The best climber is the one having most fun…and I wasn’t having fun…
- I'm not Chuck Norris. Nor am I Alex Megos.
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