/ rules for walking up Blencathra

This topic has been archived, and won't accept reply postings.
mike123 - on 04 May 2014
when i win the lottery next week i will be purchasing said mountain and introducing the following rules:
1. no black dogs on a wednesday
2. no flappy map cases on string unless its february or october.
3. no meat pies on spring tuesdays.
4. when there is enough snow only ski touring allowed. no silly hats. no split boards or snow boards of any sort. if the snow is deep and powdery its obviously far too dangerous for anybody unless they have a strange numerical surname. no exceptions.
5.anybody caught leaving dog poo in bags will be shot. in the knee caps. and then eaten by a pack of specially trained miniature poodles.
6. no ron hills after 10 in a morning and before 8 at night.
any further suggestions will be considered and probably ignored.
Skol on 04 May 2014
In reply to mike123:

No 'Swiss Family Scouse'? You know the ones. The type that go native on a campsite with all the gear and an annoying accent/football top/Stella . The sort that steal your dog peg.
Sorry . A bad experience of some scousers taking my twisty dog tether.:)
mike123 - on 04 May 2014
In reply to Skol:
hmmmmm,with you there.
shall we say
7. no football tops after 5 in the morning .
Darren Jackson - on 04 May 2014
In reply to Skol:

> Sorry . A bad experience of some scousers taking my twisty dog tether.:)

In fairness, they probably mistook it for a corkscrew?
Skol on 04 May 2014
In reply to Darren Jackson:
I'm sure they used it as a corkscrew, and not to rob cars:)
Skol on 04 May 2014
In reply to mike123:

> hmmmmm,with you there.

> shall we say

> 7. no football tops after 5 in the morning .

I'm a bit more militant:) no football tops EVER, on a hillside. Especially the black and white geordie ones, and those vomit inducing Liverpool ones.
mike123 - on 04 May 2014
In reply to Skol:
ok. ok. just trying to be inclusive.
7. no football tops.
Dave Cumberland - on 04 May 2014
In reply to mike123:

> when i win the lottery next week i will be purchasing said mountain and introducing the following rules:

No dog sh1t on the path, layby, verges etc would be a plus, anywhere you could stop and sit or put a sac down.
Better, the moron who is walking her/his dog and leaving black bags of sh1t by the path could be hung drung and quartered????
Skol on 04 May 2014
In reply to mike123:

8. No wainwright baggers. They bore the shit out of me. ' this is my 40th wainwright and I'm from Surrey' . Tumbleweed
sbc_10 - on 04 May 2014
In reply to mike123:

No couples (old or young) wearing identical gear at all, unless it's August 12th and then they are free game. Especially beige/maroon fleeces from the same manufacturer ( and possibly zip off junglesque green trousers). I don't care if it was "buy-one-get-one-free".
There are protocols to observe.

If I say "Hello" or "Good Morning" I expect an answer even if it's a grunt. Rude ignorant bastards will be sterilised.
mike123 - on 04 May 2014
In reply to Dave Cumberland:
see rule 5.
is being eaten alive by a pack of rabid half starved miniature poodles , after of course being "winged" with my vintage shotgun (bit like in "country" sports when those pesky badgers are a bit too fiesty and so the dargs are given a bit of a helping hand) not bad enough for the blighters ?
and er "hung drung and quartered????"....is this from one of those special internet websites i read so much about in the mail on sunday ?

mike123 - on 04 May 2014
In reply to sbc_10:

with you on some of that.
9. no "zip off junglesque green trousers", or for that matter 3/4 length trousers of any description
Bingers - on 04 May 2014
In reply to Skol:

> and I'm from Surrey' .


How about nobody from Surrey. It would solve that particular problem and no doubt many, many more.

Skol on 04 May 2014
In reply to Bingers:

> How about nobody from Surrey. It would solve that particular problem and no doubt many, many more.

Seconded . People from Surrey , please don't travel north of the m25. Ever again. Ever:)
mike123 - on 04 May 2014
In reply to Bingers:

10. nobody from surrey.
Dave Ferguson - on 04 May 2014
In reply to mike123:

aw come on Mike, I should be allowed to wear my Ron Hills after 10am, I'm rarely up before then anyway
mike123 - on 04 May 2014
In reply to Dave Ferguson:
ok. 0k.
6. no ron hills after 10 in a morning and before 8 at night. unless you are called Dave.
(I m assuming you still have the "pictures")
Post edited at 22:40
Dave Hewitt - on 04 May 2014
In reply to mike123:

No walking poles, or at least not if used in an ostentatious fashion.
Joak - on 04 May 2014
In reply to mike123:

Where in the name of the wee man is this place called Surrey? I'm intrigued.
Skol on 04 May 2014
In reply to Joak:

I've heard of it , but never been there ! It's off the edge of the world ! Was it in Lord of the Rings?
Joak - on 04 May 2014
In reply to Skol:

The quest to discover this fabled, forbidden place has stirred a longing in ma loins:)
Skol on 04 May 2014
In reply to Joak:
I once heard of a place called Surbiton.
I'm not sure if it's fictional or not. It may have been from a programme called the good life . The women in it were quite fit, but the blokes were proper tw*ts. Funnily enough, they look like most of the cockneys that you would see on a Lake District fell!
Joak - on 05 May 2014
In reply to Skol:

> I once heard of a place called Surbiton.

> I'm not sure if it's fictional or not. It may have been from a programme called the good life

There's nothing fictional aboot Felicity Kendal....there goes that stirring in ma loins again!!!
Oceanwall - on 05 May 2014
In reply to mike123:
11. No access for chavs.
12. No walking up the mountain wearing flip-flops or beach wear.
Post edited at 05:22
Clint86 - on 05 May 2014
In reply to mike123:

Do you think we could crowd fund and buy it. We could set the rules then.
trekclimb - on 05 May 2014
In reply to mike123:

I will gladly train up my miniature for rule 5,we are local so available 24/7 the trouble is she's black ( see rule 1).Will there be exceptions for her.
Jim Walton on 05 May 2014
In reply to mike123:
I was wondering if the White Horse Pub came with the Mountain? if so can I ask that it will now allow walkers in for a pint without them being required to eat a four course meal.

The Trig point is to be reinstated.

The white cross is to be kept secret from all those in Surrey or anyone who wears Gaiters on a full summers day.
Post edited at 20:24
Jim Walton on 05 May 2014
In reply to mike123:

With regards to Rule 1. Could I ask that the Blencathra hounds can run on the fell at any time they please?
Sean Kelly - on 06 May 2014
In reply to mike123:

The burger van on top will only be open between 12 & 2, excepting Bank Holidays when only ice-cream for sale. Beers also available but anyone under 70 has to be accompanied by a parent!
Dave Cumberland - on 07 May 2014
In reply to mike123:

One thing you can guarantee - whatever happens to Saddleback/Blencathra, every car park will have a parking ticket machine installed, so promulgating the Lake District parking scam and ripping off the locals.
This is especially discriminatory against the indigenous aborigines, who should choose and have the right to NOT pay on their home turf.
Matter of principle. Nil carborundum ab illegitimati.
Clint86 - on 07 May 2014
In reply to Clint86:

On the BBC website it is up for 1.75 million. How easy would it be to crowd fund for that sum and then get rid of the sheep?
mike123 - on 07 May 2014
In reply to Oceanwall:
Hope this covers it :
11. No red hair . No track suits . No baseball caps (particularly those pin head big peak ones that can only be purchased by young men with a remarkable similarity to a weasel) . No leg wear tucked into socks .
12. no beachwear or flip flops . Unless it's January .
mike123 - on 07 May 2014
In reply to Jim Walton:

1. No black dogs on a Wednesday. Unless miniature poodle .

13. No pub food . No lager . Only locally brewed real ales .
mike123 - on 07 May 2014
In reply to Dave Cumberland:

14. Short people with thick necks ( see specially constructed arch at the entrance ) to be exempt from parking charges .
Guy - on 07 May 2014
In reply to mike123:
No really skinny fell runners

Dearly beloved would like a cafe at the top after I told her last time there was one. She was really looking forward to a cup of tea and I have never heard the last of it since.

Oh and a lifetime pass for the walker who kept the cafe hoax going most of the way up Sharp edge.
Post edited at 10:00
Gwilymstarks on 07 May 2014
In reply to mike123:

No shorts and gaiters
MikeSP - on 07 May 2014
In reply to mike123:

All groups of 5 or more must be accompanied by a St Bernard with a barrel of whiskey round it's neck.
ceri - on 07 May 2014
In reply to dapoy:

If you dont have a st Bernard, can you use another dog with whiskey around it's neck?
pasbury on 07 May 2014
In reply to mike123:

Wearers of brasher Boots and rohan trousers to be off hill by 5.00pm sharp.
999thAndy on 07 May 2014
In reply to mike123:

Can we bury about 60Te of highly magnetised iron right under the trig point, to make it easy to find in the mist?
Carolyn - on 07 May 2014
In reply to 999thAndy:

Just move the trig point to the other side of the plateau.....
mockerkin on 07 May 2014
In reply to Guy:



> Dearly beloved would like a cafe at the top after I told her last time there was one. She was really looking forward to a cup of tea and I have never heard the last of it since.

Not quite at the top, but would this have sufficed?
http://www.cwherald.com/a/archive/fairtrade-cafe-on-blencathra.323919.html

birdie num num - on 07 May 2014
In reply to mike123:

A turnstile and a small fee, say 20, for folk who want to have a go on Blencathra.
dtalbot - on 07 May 2014
In reply to mike123:

If anyone is interested in a bit of crowd funding:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/blencathra/
Guy - on 07 May 2014
In reply to mockerkin:

> Not quite at the top, but would this have sufficed?


TBH she would have been happy with a sheep with a flask hanging off it's neck like a St Bernard.
Simon Caldwell - on 07 May 2014
In reply to dtalbot:

For once I agree with the National Trust "given the existing high levels of protection and public access, we have decided not to pursue acquisition at this time".

It's not just a question of finding 1.75 million to buy it - who pays for maintenance after that?
toad - on 07 May 2014
In reply to Simon Caldwell:

He did seem to be playing the scare card on Countryfile - Making ominous noises about a Russian or Chinese buyer with the unstated implication that they would somehow turn it into an oligarchs playground and kick everyone off. I'm pleased the NT have called his bluff
MikeTS - on 07 May 2014
In reply to Simon Caldwell:

How do you maintain a mountain? It managed itself long before we showed up
mockerkin on 07 May 2014
In reply to Simon Caldwell:

> For once I agree with the National Trust "given the existing high levels of protection and public access, we have decided not to pursue acquisition at this time".

> It's not just a question of finding 1.75 million to buy it - who pays for maintenance after that?

>> The same people who repair the paths now.
llechwedd - on 07 May 2014
In reply to Darren Jackson:

> In fairness, they probably mistook it for a corkscrew?


In fairness, only some scousers look forward to a good whine.

dee doo doh don't dee doh?
Skol on 07 May 2014
In reply to llechwedd:
The way the tale went was that myself and Whisky Dave visited a campsite in Braithwaite in the mid 90's. My nasty terrier was tethered to the 2 ft corkscrew to stop it attacking Swiss family scouse who were unruly( FFS . The campsite was quiet yet they still pitched within 6 ft of us).
After our bimble and a few pints we returned to find said corkscrew missing. I asked the campsite owner if he'd seen it. No he said, those scousers have probably nicked it! His words not mine.
We lit one of those new fangled disposable barbecues on his manicured lawn. Unfortunately we burned a rectangular hole in his grass . Next day as we were leaving, we told him the scousers had done it:) Off he marched...... Hahah
Post edited at 20:12
llechwedd - on 07 May 2014
In reply to Skol:

> 8. No wainwright baggers. They bore the shit out of me. ' this is my 40th wainwright and I'm from Surrey' . Tumbleweed

They should be detained and taken to the Keswick pencil museum to be shut in a sort of big advent calendar.
Bored kids can then have a go at tattooing Wainright's signature on whatever bit of skin is exposed by opening one of the little doors. The tattoo ink can be made from burnt Beatrix potter soft toys mixed with kendal mint cake and applied with 8H pencils.

When they have been tattoed 41 times they can be released and given a special certificate to mark the occasion.
Skol on 07 May 2014
In reply to llechwedd:

An excellent idea and very creative:) Well done!
wercat on 08 May 2014
In reply to mike123:

"Conquering" only to be allowed on production of a valid permit to conquer, and only during daylight hours in the month of August.

"Scaling" only on the 2nd Thursday of months containing a letter "S", and then only from Scales farm. A valid certificate of competence must be displayed whilst on Blencathra Mountain.
llechwedd - on 08 May 2014
In reply to wercat:

> "Conquering" only to be allowed on production of a valid permit to conquer, and only during daylight hours in the month of August.

Permit only valid if expedition undertaken within 2 months of completing the three hour induction course at the Blencathra Thrills visitor centre.

..and afterwards, why not share the amazing stories of your personal challenge on line. Every month, two lucky winners will receive tickets for the Sellafield Pools Health Spa. Your worries will melt away!

T&C's apply.
Pool lit from below for your safety
Mountains are inherently dangerous, blah..


Flinticus - on 08 May 2014
In reply to mike123:

No walking in my view: if I turn around everyone must duck / hide / be camouflaged (as boulder, sheep, badger, cairn etc)

No taking photos with smart phone / ipad (in fact no ipads ever for any reason, especially not navigating). Anyone caught taking selfies on summit will be buried up to their neck and incorporated into access path repairs.

llechwedd - on 08 May 2014
In reply to Flinticus:

> No walking in my view: if I turn around everyone must duck / hide / be camouflaged (as boulder, sheep, badger, cairn etc)

Like it!
mockerkin on 08 May 2014
In reply to llechwedd:

Every month, two lucky winners will receive tickets for the Sellafield Pools Health Spa. Your worries will melt away!

> T&C's apply.

> Pool lit from below for your safety.

>> I like your style. Please join Cumbrians against nuclear depository or a similar group.



Ridge - on 08 May 2014
In reply to mockerkin:

> Every month, two lucky winners will receive tickets for the Sellafield Pools Health Spa. Your worries will melt away!

> >> I like your style. Please join Cumbrians against nuclear depository or a similar group.

Why? In Iceland people pay to bath in a geothermal power station pool, we could do the same. Ennerdale Water would make a cracking hot-tub.
cander - on 08 May 2014
In reply to Ridge:

There's nowt hot about Ennerdale Water! you could let off a couple of megatonnes and it would still be Baltic.
ads.ukclimbing.com
Skol on 08 May 2014
In reply to mike123:

Anybody arriving by car has to be strapped to a wing on one of the proposed turbines for 1 hour for penance.

No gays, bi's , straights, whites, blacks or any form of sheep.
armus on 08 May 2014
In reply to Ridge:

> Why? In Iceland people pay to bath in a geothermal power station pool, we could do the same. Ennerdale Water would make a cracking hot-tub.

>> It could, but the difference is between geo and nuclear thermal.
PPP - on 09 May 2014
In reply to Flinticus:

I know it's a thread for fun, but a selfie isn't as bad as it might sound. I never do it in front of other people, but out of (exactly) 50 Munros ticked off, only two weren't solo walks (I was kinda leading the group of 2 or a friend). I can't really expect anyone to take photo of me, so I don't really mind setting up a camera on a wee stand (same as this one: https://c1.staticflickr.com/9/8422/7677954242_a84578267b_z.jpg ) and do a photo. I also take photos with smartphone to share with my family as I develop films from the film camera few times a year only.

For rules part... No unleashed dogs (I had a fright once when a huge beast showed up without me noticing his owners before!), banana peel counts as rubbish and no jeans. People without a map and compass should be directed to the nearest park.
paulh.0776 - on 09 May 2014
In reply to mike123:

Exclusive use for UKC and UKH members at weekends ?
Flinticus - on 09 May 2014
In reply to PPP:

As long as there are no witnesses and you don't pout!

Most of my hills have been done alone too (unless you count my unleashed dog) but I usually take a photo of the summit (not always though) and that's it.
adam11 - on 09 May 2014
In reply to mike123:

Agreed, they are for 8yr olds.

This topic has been archived, and won't accept reply postings.