/ rules for walking up Blencathra
1. no black dogs on a wednesday
2. no flappy map cases on string unless its february or october.
3. no meat pies on spring tuesdays.
4. when there is enough snow only ski touring allowed. no silly hats. no split boards or snow boards of any sort. if the snow is deep and powdery its obviously far too dangerous for anybody unless they have a strange numerical surname. no exceptions.
5.anybody caught leaving dog poo in bags will be shot. in the knee caps. and then eaten by a pack of specially trained miniature poodles.
6. no ron hills after 10 in a morning and before 8 at night.
any further suggestions will be considered and probably ignored.
No 'Swiss Family Scouse'? You know the ones. The type that go native on a campsite with all the gear and an annoying accent/football top/Stella . The sort that steal your dog peg.
Sorry . A bad experience of some scousers taking my twisty dog tether.:)
hmmmmm,with you there.
shall we say
7. no football tops after 5 in the morning .
In fairness, they probably mistook it for a corkscrew?
I'm sure they used it as a corkscrew, and not to rob cars:)
I'm a bit more militant:) no football tops EVER, on a hillside. Especially the black and white geordie ones, and those vomit inducing Liverpool ones.
ok. ok. just trying to be inclusive.
7. no football tops.
No dog sh1t on the path, layby, verges etc would be a plus, anywhere you could stop and sit or put a sac down.
Better, the moron who is walking her/his dog and leaving black bags of sh1t by the path could be hung drung and quartered????
8. No wainwright baggers. They bore the shit out of me. ' this is my 40th wainwright and I'm from Surrey' . Tumbleweed
No couples (old or young) wearing identical gear at all, unless it's August 12th and then they are free game. Especially beige/maroon fleeces from the same manufacturer ( and possibly zip off junglesque green trousers). I don't care if it was "buy-one-get-one-free".
There are protocols to observe.
If I say "Hello" or "Good Morning" I expect an answer even if it's a grunt. Rude ignorant bastards will be sterilised.
see rule 5.
is being eaten alive by a pack of rabid half starved miniature poodles , after of course being "winged" with my vintage shotgun (bit like in "country" sports when those pesky badgers are a bit too fiesty and so the dargs are given a bit of a helping hand) not bad enough for the blighters ?
and er "hung drung and quartered????"....is this from one of those special internet websites i read so much about in the mail on sunday ?
with you on some of that.
9. no "zip off junglesque green trousers", or for that matter 3/4 length trousers of any description
How about nobody from Surrey. It would solve that particular problem and no doubt many, many more.
Seconded . People from Surrey , please don't travel north of the m25. Ever again. Ever:)
10. nobody from surrey.
aw come on Mike, I should be allowed to wear my Ron Hills after 10am, I'm rarely up before then anyway
6. no ron hills after 10 in a morning and before 8 at night. unless you are called Dave.
(I m assuming you still have the "pictures")
No walking poles, or at least not if used in an ostentatious fashion.
Where in the name of the wee man is this place called Surrey? I'm intrigued.
I've heard of it , but never been there ! It's off the edge of the world ! Was it in Lord of the Rings?
The quest to discover this fabled, forbidden place has stirred a longing in ma loins:)
I once heard of a place called Surbiton.
I'm not sure if it's fictional or not. It may have been from a programme called the good life . The women in it were quite fit, but the blokes were proper tw*ts. Funnily enough, they look like most of the cockneys that you would see on a Lake District fell!
There's nothing fictional aboot Felicity Kendal....there goes that stirring in ma loins again!!!
11. No access for chavs.
12. No walking up the mountain wearing flip-flops or beach wear.
Do you think we could crowd fund and buy it. We could set the rules then.
I will gladly train up my miniature for rule 5,we are local so available 24/7 the trouble is she's black ( see rule 1).Will there be exceptions for her.
I was wondering if the White Horse Pub came with the Mountain? if so can I ask that it will now allow walkers in for a pint without them being required to eat a four course meal.
The Trig point is to be reinstated.
The white cross is to be kept secret from all those in Surrey or anyone who wears Gaiters on a full summers day.
With regards to Rule 1. Could I ask that the Blencathra hounds can run on the fell at any time they please?
The burger van on top will only be open between 12 & 2, excepting Bank Holidays when only ice-cream for sale. Beers also available but anyone under 70 has to be accompanied by a parent!
One thing you can guarantee - whatever happens to Saddleback/Blencathra, every car park will have a parking ticket machine installed, so promulgating the Lake District parking scam and ripping off the locals.
This is especially discriminatory against the indigenous aborigines, who should choose and have the right to NOT pay on their home turf.
Matter of principle. Nil carborundum ab illegitimati.
On the BBC website it is up for £1.75 million. How easy would it be to crowd fund for that sum and then get rid of the sheep?
Hope this covers it :
11. No red hair . No track suits . No baseball caps (particularly those pin head big peak ones that can only be purchased by young men with a remarkable similarity to a weasel) . No leg wear tucked into socks .
12. no beachwear or flip flops . Unless it's January .
1. No black dogs on a Wednesday. Unless miniature poodle .
13. No pub food . No lager . Only locally brewed real ales .
14. Short people with thick necks ( see specially constructed arch at the entrance ) to be exempt from parking charges .
No really skinny fell runners
Dearly beloved would like a cafe at the top after I told her last time there was one. She was really looking forward to a cup of tea and I have never heard the last of it since.
Oh and a lifetime pass for the walker who kept the cafe hoax going most of the way up Sharp edge.
No shorts and gaiters
All groups of 5 or more must be accompanied by a St Bernard with a barrel of whiskey round it's neck.
If you dont have a st Bernard, can you use another dog with whiskey around it's neck?
Wearers of brasher Boots and rohan trousers to be off hill by 5.00pm sharp.
Can we bury about 60Te of highly magnetised iron right under the trig point, to make it easy to find in the mist?
Just move the trig point to the other side of the plateau.....
Not quite at the top, but would this have sufficed?
A turnstile and a small fee, say £20, for folk who want to have a go on Blencathra.
TBH she would have been happy with a sheep with a flask hanging off it's neck like a St Bernard.
For once I agree with the National Trust "given the existing high levels of protection and public access, we have decided not to pursue acquisition at this time".
It's not just a question of finding 1.75 million to buy it - who pays for maintenance after that?
He did seem to be playing the scare card on Countryfile - Making ominous noises about a Russian or Chinese buyer with the unstated implication that they would somehow turn it into an oligarchs playground and kick everyone off. I'm pleased the NT have called his bluff
How do you maintain a mountain? It managed itself long before we showed up
>> The same people who repair the paths now.
In fairness, only some scousers look forward to a good whine.
dee doo doh don't dee doh?
The way the tale went was that myself and Whisky Dave visited a campsite in Braithwaite in the mid 90's. My nasty terrier was tethered to the 2 ft corkscrew to stop it attacking Swiss family scouse who were unruly( FFS . The campsite was quiet yet they still pitched within 6 ft of us).
After our bimble and a few pints we returned to find said corkscrew missing. I asked the campsite owner if he'd seen it. No he said, those scousers have probably nicked it! His words not mine.
We lit one of those new fangled disposable barbecues on his manicured lawn. Unfortunately we burned a rectangular hole in his grass . Next day as we were leaving, we told him the scousers had done it:) Off he marched...... Hahah
They should be detained and taken to the Keswick pencil museum to be shut in a sort of big advent calendar.
Bored kids can then have a go at tattooing Wainright's signature on whatever bit of skin is exposed by opening one of the little doors. The tattoo ink can be made from burnt Beatrix potter soft toys mixed with kendal mint cake and applied with 8H pencils.
When they have been tattoed 41 times they can be released and given a special certificate to mark the occasion.
An excellent idea and very creative:) Well done!
"Conquering" only to be allowed on production of a valid permit to conquer, and only during daylight hours in the month of August.
"Scaling" only on the 2nd Thursday of months containing a letter "S", and then only from Scales farm. A valid certificate of competence must be displayed whilst on Blencathra Mountain.
Permit only valid if expedition undertaken within 2 months of completing the three hour induction course at the Blencathra Thrills visitor centre.
..and afterwards, why not share the amazing stories of your personal challenge on line. Every month, two lucky winners will receive tickets for the Sellafield Pools Health Spa. Your worries will melt away!
Pool lit from below for your safety
Mountains are inherently dangerous, blah..
No walking in my view: if I turn around everyone must duck / hide / be camouflaged (as boulder, sheep, badger, cairn etc)
No taking photos with smart phone / ipad (in fact no ipads ever for any reason, especially not navigating). Anyone caught taking selfies on summit will be buried up to their neck and incorporated into access path repairs.
Every month, two lucky winners will receive tickets for the Sellafield Pools Health Spa. Your worries will melt away!
>> I like your style. Please join Cumbrians against nuclear depository or a similar group.
Why? In Iceland people pay to bath in a geothermal power station pool, we could do the same. Ennerdale Water would make a cracking hot-tub.
There's nowt hot about Ennerdale Water! you could let off a couple of megatonnes and it would still be Baltic.
Anybody arriving by car has to be strapped to a wing on one of the proposed turbines for 1 hour for penance.
No gays, bi's , straights, whites, blacks or any form of sheep.
>> It could, but the difference is between geo and nuclear thermal.
I know it's a thread for fun, but a selfie isn't as bad as it might sound. I never do it in front of other people, but out of (exactly) 50 Munros ticked off, only two weren't solo walks (I was kinda leading the group of 2 or a friend). I can't really expect anyone to take photo of me, so I don't really mind setting up a camera on a wee stand (same as this one: https://c1.staticflickr.com/9/8422/7677954242_a84578267b_z.jpg ) and do a photo. I also take photos with smartphone to share with my family as I develop films from the film camera few times a year only.
For rules part... No unleashed dogs (I had a fright once when a huge beast showed up without me noticing his owners before!), banana peel counts as rubbish and no jeans. People without a map and compass should be directed to the nearest park.
Exclusive use for UKC and UKH members at weekends ?
As long as there are no witnesses and you don't pout!
Most of my hills have been done alone too (unless you count my unleashed dog) but I usually take a photo of the summit (not always though) and that's it.
Agreed, they are for 8yr olds.
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