/ problems

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afshapes - on 03 Dec 2012
My original thread got pulled , so let's try again !
This how it went ......
"we want different things, I want a nice home , holidays and normal things, all you're interested in is climbing and mountaineering "
Thanks love
Ava Adore - on 03 Dec 2012
In reply to afshapes:

Didn't see the original thread but what's the problem? You either compromise or call it quits.
ripper - on 03 Dec 2012
In reply to afshapes: similar tale here and basically Ava's right - I choose the compromise option but like any compromise, by its very nature it's not a perfect solution (from either side)...
teflonpete - on 03 Dec 2012
In reply to afshapes:

As Ava says compromise or quit. I compromised for 5 years. Didn't work for me, quitting was the best thing I ever did. Now I'm with someone who I climb and hill walk with, who isn't interested in the value of property or foreign holidays, but wants to enjoy life's experiences with me.
Timmd on 03 Dec 2012
In reply to afshapes:Depends how important different things are to you I suppose, my dad was once pretty glum at Xmas he said at recieving a book on climbing (though not glum for all of Xmas) as it reminded him how little climbing he'd done that year, but he's a happy grandad and chuffed with how his company is doing.

Guess you know if it's not working for you personally, you need to think if you're happy or not.
Timmd on 03 Dec 2012
In reply to afshapes:I don't climb anymore, so can't relate to the quandry.
Pinged - on 03 Dec 2012
In reply to afshapes:

I agree with Teflonpete. It didnt work for me, arguments and frostiness every weekend when I was up at 6 and off out to a crag somewhere when she wanted to go to DFS. I tried compromising...climbing one weekend, normal stuff next but that wasant good enough, she wanted me to stop climning and find something mutual...she suggested badminf***ington!!

She got so upset with me one year 'cos I didnt want to go on an all inclusive fortnight in Turkey that I realised the only thing I could do was leave. I did. It was crap for a little while but quickly turned into the best thing Ive ever done. Met a super lady, brilliant climber...understands whats important in life. (a cuddle upon topping out, a snuggle in a bitterly cold tent tent, endless excited chatter all the way to Scotland, a hot flask shared on a crispy November morning under the crag, mutual encouragement when grade pushing, tea and a scone in a cosy tea-room whilst still a bit chalky etc)

Cant tell you exactly what to do but the fact that you have actually posted the issue on here tells me you may be delaying a tough decision.
afshapes - on 03 Dec 2012
In reply to pinged , things used to be like that , we both got into climbing at the same time , then it changed. I have my daughter part time and have her every other weekend , that leaves me with two weekends a month to climb, so I compromised to climb just one of those, oh I don't know
John Lewis - on 03 Dec 2012
In reply to afshapes: Don't I know the pressure of this! Been married 25 years this year, always enjoyed doing new and interesting stuff, got into climbing about 5 years ago and love it.

Mrs L's main interest is the children despite often encouraging and facilitating potential interests for her, don't think this is likley to change. I am very fortunate that she gives me a lot of freadom to enjoy the things I like, and likewise I work to mean she has always been there for our children.

Having said all that, I do worry that we have grown appart on many issues and really it's only the kids that keep us together now, with the kids starting to become young adults what will we find together in the coming years?

afshapes - on 03 Dec 2012
In reply to afshapes: I guess its about values though , I value making the most of my time by doing things outdoors , I guess she prefers the whole good house keeping thing , it annoys me though because I've always been an outdoor person , when she met me I surfed and if there was surf I was on it , that is the nature of the sport and ultimately what made me move to climbing , the rock is always there. Anyway I though she into the same as me because she would come away in the van and seem to enjoy what we were doing . But now I'm made to feel selfish for wanting to climb (with her ) in our spate time .I do get that its selfish but at the same time being outdoors and doing things is what I did as a child, teenager and now as an adult
Ava Adore - on 03 Dec 2012
In reply to afshapes:

You have to accept that people change over time. Clearly she has.
Pinged - on 03 Dec 2012
In reply to Ava Adore:

It's obviuos to me that afshapes HAS accepted that this perosn person has changed. The question is 'Now what'?

Slushy, but I suppose...IF you love her...you'll find a way.
teflonpete - on 03 Dec 2012
In reply to John Lewis:
> (In reply to afshapes)
> Having said all that, I do worry that we have grown appart on many issues and really it's only the kids that keep us together now, with the kids starting to become young adults what will we find together in the coming years?

This is the problem that we hit. I guess compromise wasn't really the right word, what we ended up doing was tolerating each other's differences. We didn't end up compromising and doing things together the other liked doing on different occasions, we just both did our own thing and had no interest in each others' pastimes. It got to the point where all we were doing was babysitting for each other and living separate lives, with nothing to talk about with each other. It's only now, with a new partner who's enthusiastic about the same things as me, and a real kindred spirit in so many ways, that I realise just how bad things were between my ex and I. I've never been as happy as I am now.
mrchewy - on 03 Dec 2012
In reply to afshapes: I'm with Ava - people change. My ex Mrs was a 'want to be together' house type but I'm gregarious by nature and like to do stuff. It was really tough at the time as we had kids but splitting up (different reason) has let me be myself instead of a compromise. I've been single for maybe 8 out of the last 10 years but I wouldn't change a thing. I get to be me and who knows, maybe one day I'll meet someone that fits just so with my life.
Either knuckle down or MTFU! It'll be hard either way and you have my best wishes.

kelvin
andic - on 03 Dec 2012
In reply to afshapes:

I replied to your other thread this morning, dont know why it was pulled.

Anyway my other half hates climbing and discomfort, loves shopping and eating etc. But we are pretty happy.

Sometimes the compromises hurt, meadow hell on a crisp november saturday for example, but the relationship is worth it, she does make her own efforts for me and we do have shared interests.
The last two are what make it work, are they present in your relationship?
spearing05 - on 03 Dec 2012
In reply to afshapes: Can people please stop posting on here, I have a uni assignment due in this week and if I keep reading stuff on here it's not going to get done and I'm not going to be able to go climbing with him tomorrow and then it is all going to feel so much worse.

afshapes - if you need to chill away from it all you know where I am, failing that go and sit on the loo and read your guide books (again), check the forecast and polish your crampons some more or just sit and drool over your rack ;-)

Pete
Caralynh - on 03 Dec 2012
In reply to afshapes:

Hmmm but 50yrs from now, you probably won't still be climbing. You WILL probably want a nice house to live in (not expensive, just nice) and company of someone you love.

I used to climb a lot, and circumstances meant I don't now. By circumstances, I mean starting a new job that meant shifts and limited weekends, and then the weekends I DO have, I want to do stuff with J. J was always my climbing partner before anything else, but prefers mountaineering, so we tend to have weekends away hillwalking and scrambling. Can't remember the last time I led any route even close to my once top grade.

However, the upsides are that we have a happy marriage, a nice house in a nice place, and we DO have shared interests - mountaineering and travel. J isn't inspired by general rock climbing, but can easily be tempted by travel all over the world, by easy winter routes, and by mountains in general. Due to this, we're planning an Andes expedition next year, something that I wouldn't have had a partner/money for when I climbed regularly and was pushing grades.

So, I've moved from climber to traveller/mountaineer, with a husband who is happy to be by my side throughout.

If you don't have ANYTHING in common with your wife/partner, then you may want to rethink things. Otherwise it's not so bad if compromise means sharing other passionss together!
alooker - on 03 Dec 2012
In reply to afshapes: I called it quits in a similar situation... After trying to compromise it turned out we'd both changed and had little in common. She wanted an expensive house, flash car and 'normal things'. I figured that I'd resent the relationship if I stopped climbing/outdoors, and honestly I couldn't bring myself to do the whole sun lounger holiday once a year with a hefty mortgage for a place I didn't appreciate/need. It was very hard at the time but it was the right decision for me. You need to do what's right for your situation, mind. Good luck and I hope you make the right choice, whichever that is.
Steph-in-the-West on 03 Dec 2012
In reply to afshapes:
Whatever and however you decide - just be aware that living on your own is pants - Bridget Jones size.....
spearing05 - on 03 Dec 2012
In reply to Steph-in-the-West: Yet another occasion where a like button is needed
ads.ukclimbing.com
afshapes - on 03 Dec 2012
In reply to afshapes: thanks for all the replies , I do appreciate the input.
Spearing , stop reading this and crack on , I'm gonna need a belay !
climbingpixie - on 03 Dec 2012
In reply to andic:

> Sometimes the compromises hurt, meadow hell on a crisp november saturday for example

I can't imagine loving anyone enough to endure Meadow Hall.
Timmd on 03 Dec 2012
In reply to Steph-in-the-West:
> (In reply to afshapes)
> Whatever and however you decide - just be aware that living on your own is pants - Bridget Jones size.....

Better to be alone than in bad company*.

(*Or a relationship which isn't working.)
Wonko The Sane - on 03 Dec 2012
In reply to Steph-in-the-West:
> (In reply to afshapes)
> Whatever and however you decide - just be aware that living on your own is pants - Bridget Jones size.....

True, it isn't great. But better to be single than be with someone for the sake of being with someone.

To the OP, perhaps she hasn't changed as such. You say she used to like going with you surfing? Well surfing is a lot different to climbing. I MUCH prefered windsurfing to climbing.
Also, being single minded about something is fine...... and your choice. But possibly she's just maturing and wants those normal things too which is fair enough. You just have to decide if wot you get back is worth giving up something for, innit?
spearing05 - on 03 Dec 2012
In reply to afshapes: All bar the last part of the last question now complete and head suitably fried - I need a good session to clear my head and will just have to hope that nothing goes wrong on Wednesday so I can finish then.
spearing05 - on 03 Dec 2012
In reply to afshapes: To reply to the orriginal post, compromise is needed in every relationship, as others have said the amount of compromise you are prepared to make is the important thing. More to the point compromise needs to be a to way thingelse it is not a compromise at all. When you start asking 'how high' in response to the command to jump it has gone well beyond compromise.

I've been in a relationship where I tried with all my might to make it perfect for my gf and all that ended up happening is I ran out of me to give. I came to realise that she always saw the negative and as nothing is ever perfect (certainly not me) I was never going to give her the life she wanted - and I seriously doubt whether anyone else could either.

I'm not saying this is the situation you're in and certainly from the outside I can see two sides (as there always are) but can you honestly see yourself being the person she wants? Only you know the answer mate and whatever you decide to do I'll do my best as a friend/belay buddy to make it as easy as possible - even if that means not getting out as much myself (this will of course help me gain brownie points too . . .)
afshapes - on 04 Dec 2012
In reply to spearing , Diolch
teflonpete - on 04 Dec 2012
In reply to spearing05:
> (In reply to afshapes)
> I'm not saying this is the situation you're in and certainly from the outside I can see two sides (as there always are) but can you honestly see yourself being the person she wants? Only you know the answer mate and whatever you decide to do I'll do my best as a friend/belay buddy to make it as easy as possible - even if that means not getting out as much myself


The words of a true friend. Good on ya. :0)
abr1966 - on 04 Dec 2012
In reply to Ava Adore:
> (In reply to afshapes)
>
> You have to accept that people change over time. Clearly she has.

+1

I seperated from my wife of 10 years....10 years ago! I kind of thought at the time it would mean more hassle free climbing but as it turned out it's really limited my climbing as my kids soon lived with me virtually full time and i'm a single dad pretty much most of the time.

I wouldn't swop it though as its great.

I think im saying you never know what's round the corner, but, if something like your climbing is such a big issue maybe it's not the relationship for you?

I have a relationship now where we don't live together and she is no climber but she's great to be on a hill with and will come all over the place with me (she now loves Glencoe/Torridon etc)and I've learned to ride horses (and love it) etc.

It took me to be away from my marriage to really understand how 'not right' it was....

I reckon now, aged 47, that it has to just feel right and flow easily for it to work and be the real deal..

all the best at a hard time...

Cheers
Steph-in-the-West on 04 Dec 2012
In reply to Timmd:
> (In reply to Steph-in-the-West)
> [...]
>
> Better to be alone than in bad company*.
>
> (*Or a relationship which isn't working.)

absolutely - and I completely agree - I was just putting forwrd an alternative view in case there was any chance of the OP working things out....
Timmd on 04 Dec 2012
In reply to abr1966:
> (In reply to Ava Adore)
> [...]
>

> I reckon now, aged 47, that it has to just feel right and flow easily for it to work and be the real deal..

Would you say that applies to all kinds of relationships?
afshapes - on 04 Dec 2012
In reply to afshapes: again thanks for the replies, there is a lot more to this (a lot more ) but I think that climbing is just used as a whip as its something I'm passionate about. Cut your losses and lose someone I love dearly , move on or try to fix something that hasn't worked properly for about a year now. This is the question , I know its me and her that have the answers , its just good to hear things from others
Cheers guys
Wonko The Sane - on 04 Dec 2012
In reply to afshapes:
> (In reply to afshapes) there is a lot more to this (a lot more ) but I think that climbing is just used as a whip as its something I'm passionate about. Cut your losses and lose someone I love dearly ,

Needy and irrational?
Been there.
Steph-in-the-West on 04 Dec 2012
In reply to afshapes:
> (In reply to afshapes) Cut your losses and lose someone I love dearly , move on or try to fix something that hasn't worked properly for about a year now. This is the question , I know its me and her that have the answers ,

If you love someone dearly, then there have to be some answers somewhere. If the climbing is excuse, try looking for something else that is the real problem.....is it just that you don't spend enough time together? Is she fed up with being a climbing widow? Are you wanting something that she is not able to provide at the moment - maybe because she (or even you) don't know what it is. The very fact that you put the thread on here suggests to me that you'd like to "save" (for want of a better word) what you two once had and would like to have again.....

Gudrun - on 04 Dec 2012
In reply to afshapes: Too many problems
Oh why am I here
I need to be me
'Cos you're all too clear
And I can see
There's something wrong with you
But what do you expect .....me to do?


Pur ob lemz!
birdie num num - on 04 Dec 2012
In reply to afshapes:
She sounds totally and utterly selfish. Dump her.
What Goes Up - on 04 Dec 2012
In reply to Pinged:
> (In reply to afshapes)
...badminf***ington!!
>
Now that sounds like a hell of a sport!

abr1966 - on 05 Dec 2012
In reply to Timmd: pretty much yes....with some caveats!
Wonko The Sane - on 05 Dec 2012
In reply to Steph-in-the-West:
> (In reply to afshapes)
> [...]
>
> If you love someone dearly, then there have to be some answers somewhere.

Trust me, there do not HAVE to be answers. Sometimes there just isn't one even if you do love someone. If a person is being demanding and can't see it or compromise on it, you get left with unpleasant choices;
Give in all the time.
Have constant friction.
Leave.

Tall Clare - on 05 Dec 2012
In reply to Wonko The Sane:

Even if it's not so much that she's being demanding - remember that we're only seeing the OP's point of view, and perhaps from another perspective it's him that's being demanding.

There's a lot to be said for an easy life - but then there's also something to be said for sitting down, talking about things and trying to find a compromise.
Wonko The Sane - on 05 Dec 2012
In reply to Tall Clare:
> (In reply to Wonko The Sane)
>
> Even if it's not so much that she's being demanding - remember that we're only seeing the OP's point of view, and perhaps from another perspective it's him that's being demanding.
>
> There's a lot to be said for an easy life - but then there's also something to be said for sitting down, talking about things and trying to find a compromise.

Claire,
you are assuming everyone is reasonable and WILL sit and talk a problem through. I can tell you from experience that this is not always the case.
I've been in a relationship before where the person would simply never talk, or compromise, and would do almost anything to avoid either.
Tall Clare - on 05 Dec 2012
In reply to Wonko The Sane:

But you're assuming that the OP is the entirely reasonable one. I think we are only seeing one side here. Lack of compromise sucks donkey balls.
Wonko The Sane - on 05 Dec 2012
In reply to Tall Clare:
> (In reply to Wonko The Sane)
>
> But you're assuming that the OP is the entirely reasonable one. I think we are only seeing one side here. Lack of compromise sucks donkey balls.

True. I don't see anything unreasonable in a person wanting some kind of security. But not sure why having that security would mean he needs to give up his passion. Personally, I like my partner to have something they are passionate about. I don't really care much what it is.
EeeByGum - on 05 Dec 2012
In reply to Wonko The Sane:

> Trust me, there do not HAVE to be answers.

True, but as individuals, we always have a choice. You can tell your feelings to your partner and then they can choose to ignore you or do something about it. Based on what the partner says or does, you end up with another set of choices, but you are always in control of those choices. The fact that many people choose not to act on the choices they have is a different matter.

I think the second poster summed up the options very succinctly. The OP and partner can either reach a compromise or call it quits.

I was in a similar situation. I now don't climb very much and have instead made the most of family life. I am very happy.
Wonko The Sane - on 05 Dec 2012
In reply to EeeByGum:
> (In reply to Wonko The Sane)
>
> [...]
>
> True, but as individuals, we always have a choice. You can tell your feelings to your partner and then they can choose to ignore you or do something about it. Based on what the partner says or does, you end up with another set of choices, but you are always in control of those choices. The fact that many people choose not to act on the choices they have is a different matter.
>

I agree completely, though there are occasions when a partner is less than honest about things or even, unsure themselves, so these things can drag out. But ultimately, it's a choice.

> I think the second poster summed up the options very succinctly. The OP and partner can either reach a compromise or call it quits.
>

Yep.
> I was in a similar situation. I now don't climb very much and have instead made the most of family life. I am very happy.

Good to hear it. My personal opinion is that I love passion for a thing, but not to the exclusion of everything else in life.
afshapes - on 05 Dec 2012
In reply to afshapes: ok so what in going to do is sit down with her and map out what I would like our relationship to look like. Then I'm going to ask her to do the same. I'm going to cross off those compatible desires and discuss those hat differ. I'm going to be open to some compromise but not to the detriment of my own needs . If at this point there is a clear gulf between what we want I will call it a day.
Just to clarify I don't climb fanatically , well I'm fanatical when I climb, we are talking once a week maybe twice
spearing05 - on 05 Dec 2012
In reply to afshapes:
> > Just to clarify I don't climb fanatically , well I'm fanatical when I climb, we are talking once a week maybe twice

But you do read guides when sat on the throne?

To answer Tall Clare - yes there are always two sides and as strangers it is perfectly ok to take one of them, in fact I thing that's what he wants to help him see if other points of view he hasn't considered. As I told mr shapes last night, I don't think I should take sides no matter how much I might want to as in the long term it can turn out to be a bad idea. While most of what I know is from his POV not all of it is so I think I'm reasonably well qualified to assure you that he is a reasonable person (my beloved likes him as well so it's not only a blokes perspective).
Tall Clare - on 05 Dec 2012
In reply to spearing05:

He does sound reasonable, and his approach to sorting it out sounds a lot more clear-headed than some I've heard of. Just playing devil's advocate, really - there are some people out there who can be a bit oblivious to how much climbing (or whatever passion it is) can consume them.
risby - on 05 Dec 2012
In reply to abr1966:
> (In reply to Ava Adore)

> climber but she's great to be on a hill with and will come all over the
> place with me (she now loves Glencoe/Torridon etc)and I've learned to ride

I want one of those ...
afshapes - on 05 Dec 2012
In reply to afshapes: Mr spearing , kind words again , I appreciate you council and thank you for your ever attentive belaying even when I'm distracted ! I think its time we tool our relationship to the next level. Alps or big wall climbing is the next step
spearing05 - on 05 Dec 2012
In reply to afshapes: You'll have to stop scampering off to the Wye valley with other men before I can trust you enough for that - especially after refusing to go with me on the grounds that it is chossy, overgrown, polished and generally crap.
afshapes - on 05 Dec 2012
In reply to afshapes: just trying to protect you, I needed to check it out first! That was the Obe and only time I've been wrong although it is muddy and polished !
spearing05 - on 05 Dec 2012
In reply to afshapes: LOL though trying to present me with a chalky leaf from your pocket collected out with another partner was just not nice.

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