/ Obligation, laziness, consideration and respect.

This topic has been archived, and won't accept reply postings.
Dominicandave on 23 Jan 2013
Dilema
So you are the provider for the family. Your partner takes on a seriously bad diet for no apparent reason, crisps and biscuits for breakfast, and lots of fizzy pop, no exercise at all. This causes her to gain weight and soon her clothes are too small, like all of them other than stretchy dresses. She views her concerns in not having clothes that fit, as you do the financial stress you're under and lack of understanding why she eats crisps at 7am.

Where would this dilema go for you and yours?
Alyson - on 23 Jan 2013
In reply to Dominicandave: She sounds unhappy and bored to me. If she doesn't earn her own money, what does she have control over?

The title of your thread is quite leading. In what way is she under obligation to you? And to what does 'respect' refer to? It sounds like you are possibly a little controlling, and you think the money does - or should - give you power.
tspoon1981 on 23 Jan 2013
In reply to Dominicandave: I'd try and discuss any issues or percieved problems with my partner, rather than being a douche bag online and worrying more about finances than my partners feelings.

As has been said, she sounds lonely/bored, perhaps even depressed, has there been a stressful move, recent unemployment?

Dominicandave on 23 Jan 2013
In reply to Alyson:
> (In reply to Dominicandave) She sounds unhappy and bored to me. If she doesn't earn her own money, what does she have control over?
>
> The title of your thread is quite leading. In what way is she under obligation to you? And to what does 'respect' refer to? It sounds like you are possibly a little controlling, and you think the money does - or should - give you power.

You're only a million miles off but never mind. She is under no obligation where as I have an obligation to support the family, but does that support continue to come unconditionally as it always has done, even if I consider there are better options all round. Am I under obligation to just accept this, buy larger clothes and terrible food and keep my mouth shut or under obligation to speak up or even put my foot down.
Respect would refer to her, surely there is a self respect issue when people begin to balloon and notice clothes are getting limited and they don't care.
Dominicandave on 23 Jan 2013
In reply to tspoon1981:
> (In reply to Dominicandave) I'd try and discuss any issues or percieved problems with my partner, rather than being a douche bag online and worrying more about finances than my partners feelings.
>
> As has been said, she sounds lonely/bored, perhaps even depressed, has there been a stressful move, recent unemployment?

I think you're replying to the wrong thread.
Sebastian Fontleroy - on 23 Jan 2013
In reply to Dominicandave:

Ask yourself these questions. Are you actually going to take on board anything that anyone says and go away and think about it? Are you a compassionate guy who is going to sit down with the woman that you love and ask her is she all right and is she happy? If not, you can't be helped.
Dominicandave on 23 Jan 2013
In reply to Sebastian Fontleroy:
> (In reply to Dominicandave)
>
> Ask yourself these questions. Are you actually going to take on board anything that anyone says and go away and think about it? Are you a compassionate guy who is going to sit down with the woman that you love and ask her is she all right and is she happy? If not, you can't be helped.

I asked how this dilemma would play out in others lives.
Alyson - on 23 Jan 2013
In reply to Dominicandave: You're now sounding unsympathetic and very unsupportive. Do you love your partner? Because these aren't the words of someone who is loving. You talk about support and money without showing a shred of concern, and now you mention 'putting your foot down' as if what she eats should be your jurisdiction.

What would fulfil her? What would give her a clearer sense of purpose? Why aren't you talking about helping her instead of talking about why it is a problem for you?

Your support doesn't sound unconditional at all, in fact you're altready putting conditions on it: namely 'she mustn't put on weight'.
Father Noel Furlong on 23 Jan 2013
In reply to Alyson:

Absolutely. I particularly like "put my foot down"...doesn't sound very supportive to me!
tspoon1981 on 23 Jan 2013
In reply to Dominicandave: I had replied to the correct thread, and as I said, I'd talk to my partner, openly and honestly and get to the bottom of why she's eating(?!?), instead of being a douche bag and posting online.

That's it, it may be simple, she may just enjoy eating crisps at 7am, it may be more complex and some of what's said may be upsetting for her or for me, but as some one who's invested in my partners happiness I would do anything to help. Well, I say anything, I wouldn't put conditions on my assistance, I wouldn't put money before her happiness, I wouldn't ignore the root of the problem and focus on the weight gain.

andic - on 23 Jan 2013
In reply to Dominicandave:
> (In reply to Sebastian Fontleroy)
> [...]
>
> I asked how this dilemma would play out in others lives.

Okay

I make a point of telling my OH that she has to trust me, trust the strength of out relation ship and communicate with me no matter what. Well before Christmas she was looking a bit glum and when I eventually got out of her what it was that was eating her it floored me . I was completely dismayed, hurt, shocked etc. I thought about ending it as I wondered if we were just culturally incompatible, but I had asked and offered a safe hearing so I had to consider how much she had to trust me to say what was on her mind and how shoddy it would be to then let her down. I am happy to say we worked it out.

You need to talk to your missus mate and make sure she trusts you enough to open up, then dont let her down.
Sebastian Fontleroy - on 23 Jan 2013
In reply to Dominicandave:
> (In reply to Sebastian Fontleroy)
> [...]
>
> I asked how this dilemma would play out in others lives.


I wouldn't see it as a dilemma as and i gave you an example (albeit in the shape of a question) of how it would 'play out'in my life. I'd communicate with my partner.

janiejonesworld - on 23 Jan 2013
In reply to Dominicandave: You are in the fortunate position of living in one of the best locations in the world for being surrounded by beautiful women. If you're stuck with a self inflicted moose ditch it and move on dude, they never pull it back and life's too short
Kevin Woods - on 24 Jan 2013
In reply to Alyson:
> (In reply to Dominicandave) You're now sounding unsympathetic and very unsupportive. Do you love your partner? Because these aren't the words of someone who is loving. You talk about support and money without showing a shred of concern, and now you mention 'putting your foot down' as if what she eats should be your jurisdiction.
>
> What would fulfil her? What would give her a clearer sense of purpose? Why aren't you talking about helping her instead of talking about why it is a problem for you?
>
> Your support doesn't sound unconditional at all, in fact you're altready putting conditions on it: namely 'she mustn't put on weight'.

Dominicandave - from what you have shared with us, I can only agree with Alyson here
Timmd on 24 Jan 2013
In reply to Dominicandave:

Though you may find it difficult, think you might have to try and be helpfull and supportive, and try and 'nudge' her in the right direction, rather than put your foot down as you put it.

This topic has been archived, and won't accept reply postings.