/ Man eating monkeys
I eat, sleep and breath climbing but the thought of watching a speed climbing and leading comp would bore me to tears.
I'm confused, men eating monkeys or monkeys eating me?
The celebrity is the key - without this it would be very boring.
Maybe if the climbers get away, the monkeys could eat the celebrity? In which case I'd be glad to see James Corden on telly for once.
> I'm confused, men eating monkeys or monkeys eating me?
That would be Lemming Eating Monkeys
Could I have a rennie in case I don't like eating monkeys?
So why does the monkey go after the climber not the celeb that just poked it with a stick?
Anyone else remember 'climbing for dollars'?
$100 bills stuck to the holds and squirts of tear gas would complete the picture.
> I eat, sleep and breath climbing but the thought of watching a speed climbing and leading comp would bore me to tears.
Agree whole-heartedly with this ! Climbing for me is DOING ! Never had much time for people pushing their E grades. I've had sport-climbers on long TD Alpine routes and they've shitted themselves-pussies !
They look good on camera, they can, if hungry, be quite aggressive and I think an audience would feel more empathy towards them than these 'man eating monkeys'
Just sayin'. What do you think?
but all you would need to do is design randomly failing holds which are guaranteed to drop the climber (maybe just electrify them instead). Keeps the pressure high but gives more of a chance.
Mike, it was only a suggestion. I just feel they are more photogenic and more importantly perhaps, more dangerous.
I envisage a caged area at the bottom of the wall with a few ravenous leopards prowling within.
Scantily clothed female climbers (is this sexist)? then have to "free solo" up the wall. Great incentive not to fall, plus maximum televisual experience. I think this has legs - unlike the contestants eh...
Have I gone too far? What do you thinK?
Another idea..just off the top of my head runituptheflagpoleseeifanyonesalutes...
This could be a winner. A DWS event. Tank with crocodiles underneath®
Can you imagine the ratings?
And what about a money making Phone-in?
You could vote who to save and who to feed to the monkeys. And after the watershed, some casual sex for lucky audience members and c-list stars.
OK, I hear what you are saying. If leopards are out and electric holds and crocodiles are verboten, how about giant foam 'sweeper'® thing like they have on that Richard 'wanker' Hammond programme?
It periodically 'wipes' all climbers off the wall. (Into a pit of vipers)*
As it's the Olympics then drug testing should be rigorous for all.
*This bit is not obligatory, but quite exciting.
Mike. I agree. We certainly don't want to stir up those animal rights bastards.
I'm glad you like the leopards. They are very 'visual' animals and I think we can work with and around them.
As for the 'sweeper'® device, I think we have to look at what will appeal to the TV audience.
Perhaps we should set up a committee to look into this?
We certainly don't want our fantastic sport to miss out in the next olympic games. Do we?
PS. How much dosh is involved? Any idea?
OK Mike. Calm down luvvy.
Forget the bloody snakes. Sorry I mentioned them.
Lets just get back to reality. For God's sake get a grip, and read my latest proposals.
Oh I dunno the leading comps were quite good when they were telly-vised. certainly no more boring than snooker or cricket
Quite clear Mike. Nada snakes. I hate the sods too.
It was just an idea to spice up the unmitigated boredom of watching people who aren't us, or anyone we are remotely interested in climbing up a plastic wall, while some tit of a commentator tries to make it vaguely exciting..."and as Tarquin makes an egyptian to the double dyno....we applaud the athleticism of the blah blah blah...but the Russian has an unbelievable ability to crimp the smallest holds..."
Jaysus, Mike. I want the leopards matey.
Duncan, Duncan, Duncan...no more boring than snooker?
Do you hear what you are writing? Does the world need something 'no more boring than snooker'?
And this to be a new spectacular olympic event.
Not exactly the 100 metres is it.
Bring on the leopards, I say.
What say you Duncan?
> What say you Duncan?
Leopards? nah they don't climb all that well.
Now monkeys with chainsaws....eh? eh? You know it makes sense
Mike. Off the record, and on the record too, the olympic chaps are very excited about all this.
They have been wavering and dickering about this 'climbing' thing for a while.
It's all down to dosh. And as you say 'the splits'.
We must protect our ideas® to protect our bottom line. There is no length that these people will go to to shaft our stipend.
Oh Duncan. I think you will find that a leopard climbs (if you will forgive me) a damn site better than you luvvy.
However, I think you are missing the bigger point. Mike and I are desperately trying to extricate some much needed coin of the realm from the powers that be ie. the olympic money pit, by spicing up the excruciatingly boring spectacle of people falling off (without hurting themselves FFS!) an indoor wall.
If it isn't leopards then it has to be something else. Incidentally, I have copywrited all my ideas®, so don't think for a moment you can use them in one of your so called cartoons.
My people will be down on you like a ton of monkeys with chainsaws.
Much love, Dervish
I am advised that that should have been "copyrighted".
> Oh Duncan. I think you will find that a leopard climbs (if you will forgive me) a damn site better than you luvvy.
I beg to differ. What has a leopard ever done on grit eh?
You may have copyright on the leopards & monkeys (the chainsaws were my idea by the way) but I reckon that I am on to a winner with my Kamikazi fruitbat, funnelweb spider, psychotic gibbons (with machetes) and crocodile/pirahna pit extravaganza
Duncan old bean, have you ever seen a leopard on Congo Corner? I have.
I admit it was quite late and after a curry, but I can assure you he quite literally leapt up it, he then down climbed Left Unconquerable and ran down the crag to Quietus where he just kind of hung out for a while.
We talked later in the pub, and he was just purring...what a guy!
As to your infringements on my copyrighted ideas, I'm afraid that you will soon find that you have no leg to stand on. I spit on your funnel web and say bah to your Gibbon.
That was no leopard that was Marc C in one of his old leotards!
(I realise that the above statement seems to imply that Marc could somehow "climb" the given routes. To which I will say "nylon wire" and an old fashioned body double if you catch my drift)
God its hard to type whnen pissed
looking at her shoes she is 100% a climber and will be perfect for the role of chain saw monkey guard / tamer . let me know your thoughts.
Good grief Mike. Now THAT is really scary...
How are we doing on the dosh front?
Mike. I have no problem with sport and masses and an event all done "in the best possible taste", of course.
Sorry you think I'm fixated on the money, but leopards don't come cheap and neither do IDEAS.
So there has to be a healthy old wedge in this enterprise. I bet Seb Coe was 'looked after'...
Yes, Duncan may well prove to be a "loose cannon" but I think if he can manage to keep the drinking under control and stop sniffing the latrines, he could well prove useful.
Chainsaws are always cool.
Mike. I'm very concerned about the lack of interest from the BMC. I must say that I've always suspected that they tend to go for the 'safe' option-so no surprises there. Have you tried to contact Scott Titt direct? For all we know he may have 'a thing' about monkeys/leopards. This could work to our advantage.
My strategy would be to go straight to the IOC. They know a good thing when they see it, and they don't seem averse to the odd 'bung'.
I do share your concerns about 'booze boy' but he did once draw a 'caricature' of me.
On reflection perhaps he had been 'sniffing the latrines' at the time, as it looks nothing like me.
However, I still think that he may have something to offer in an 'off the wall' (and his head) role.
Mike. I do hope that this project isn't slipping through our chalk stained fingers.
Dunc. is off the air - goodness knows what he's up to. I did contact the Latrines Help Line, but they assured me that they are now using non habit forming fluids and have been for some time. I can only assume that he has somehow found a 'stash' and is back to his old tricks. No wonder he's hitting the booze, poor bugger!
I'm guessing that given the importance of this upcoming event that 'Scott Baby' will be viewing this thread with a great deal of excitement...he will want it to work. Indeed his very future hangs like a monkey on it.
As to 'public toilet faux pas', Let's let bygones be bygones. We were all young once.
Mike. MLC. That should appeal to the 'powers that be'.
Very exciting. Forward is the only way to go. I have a great enthusiasm for the mission. I can feel in my water that there is a bundle of spondulicks to be had here Mike...these people think nothing of dining at the Ivy every night then going on to 'ahem' clubs. Need I say more?
Have you tried to get Bonners on board?
Don't fret about Duncs. I think he may have gone on 'retreat' (if you know what I mean)?
Sorry to hear about your unfortunate experience in Keswick. This could, and believe me, happen to anyone.
As for the "t" word I couldn't agree more. As for "cards being marked" what can I say?
Mountain celebs? Well there's always old whasname off the telly. What do you think? Worth a punt, or are we digging a hole here? Perhaps we should tap up Gordon Stainforth, he's quite famous?
We must not loose sight of our original concept. Making rock climbing slightly interesting for the viewer.
How much is now in the coffers?
Snooker isn't a sport. It's a game.
> Snooker isn't a sport. It's a game.
a) Why do you get snooker players on A Question of Sport then?
b) Why is football called "the beautiful game"?
I think the monkeys should be armed with those 1 million volt cattle prod things and the wall placed above a pool of hungry white sharks.
Double the spectacle.
Who do I send my invoice for consultancy fee to?
> Two questions.
> a) Why do you get snooker players on A Question of Sport then?
> b) Why is football called "the beautiful game"?
a) To keep the title at a reasonable length (although now we have widescreen TVs, 'A Question of Sport, Games and Pastimes' would be possible)
b) It's mind games to convince us that watching 22 blokes chase a ball for 90 minutes is some kind of privilege worth spending money on.
I very much fear that you were completely right about Duncs from the word go. He's gone completely off the air. I think it may be due to a recurrence of his old "problem"?
As to Eric. Agreed. He also has a healthy interest in invoicing, which I find encouraging. My only concern is his obsession with snooker.
I like the sound of 1million volts.
I'm thinking that the name Megavolt MEMs has a bit of ring to it, MEMs standing for Man Eating Monkeys of course. However if you're unsure about that I could subcontract the blue shy thinking to a PR consultancy I deal with, once we've sorted out the invoicing details.
Another thought is that introducing high voltages could enhance the spectator experience further by connecting the holds up to lights or fireworks or suchlike so that every time a connection is made the crowd is treated to a spectacular visual experience as the ex competitor plummets into the shark infested pool beneath.
Like Eric, I can't wait to invoice someone for something.
As for the minutiae of leopards/sharks (weren't crocodiles in the frame at some time)? I couldn't give a toss...let's just sell THE IDEA© to the highest bidder, take the dosh and move on to a new project.
Channel 4 will cock it up no matter what we suggest.
Have you any useful contacts in TV?
Yes, I had just the same thoughts Dervish.
Market this as a kind of grown up version of Total Wipeout. When you consider the size of the "consideration fees" we'll need to pay the IOC delegates to get climbing into the Olympics we'll get a much better margin selling this as a TV series concept to Sky or CH5 or Dave (the TV channel not the bloke in the BMC obviously).
Do you think it's too early to set up a procution company and should we ask the BMC if they want to buy a share in it?
The joy of all this is that we won't have to deal with all those cocks at the IOC with their 'shall we, shan't we? in out, shake it all about, cross my palm with silver bollocks.
I think we need to get Mike's input on all this, as it's all very much his 'baby'.
Who do you trust at the BMC?
> Who do you trust at the BMC?
Let me get back to you on that one Dervish.
What's happened to Mike?
There's 'laying low' and there's 'laying low'.
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