UKC

About thirty years ago I started going walking with a chap I met in Snowdonia. We had a good raport and got on fantastically well. We'd have a good day on the hills followed by laughs, jokes and pints in the pub afterwards. We walked together in Snowdonia, the Lakes and Scotland. We were both at the time living and working in London. In the early nineties I bought a little place in the country and he often used to visit and we'd have a good time.

About five years ago our forays seemed to get less frequent and the, about three years ago he "retired" and moved away from London and since then our ventures have been non existent and our only contact was the occasional phone call and text. Eventually I got a text which I found a bit hurtful saying that since moving away from London he'd made lots of new friends - It was like saying "I don't want to be bothered with you any more" and even the text messages are few and far between.

Perhaps I'm old fashioned but when I make friends with somebody, especially when you walk and climb together< I always try to ensure that there's a "depth" to it. It seems to me that a "shallow" friendship is like saying "Oh you're no longer any use to me".

I'm certainly not losing any sleep over it - life's too short - but some people do strike me as being VERY shallow.

In reply to FesteringSore:

From what I hear from those who've stayed there, London 'friends' are fairly disposable, a similar situation to that in many other large cities. I'd try to not take it personally, even though it's hard not to. I'd suggest it says more about your 'friend' than you.

In reply to Fraser:
>I'd suggest it says more about your 'friend' than you.
That's what I thought.

In reply to FesteringSore:

I genuinely found that touching.

You Sound Like you actually do miss them quite a bit.

Have you Tried writing to them explaining how you feel?

In reply to Choss:


I don't know that it's worth it. If someone IS that insincere are they worth bothering about?

In reply to FesteringSore:

Your initial Paragraph doesnt Sound like you had a shallow Friendship at All.

Maybe he isnt that insincere? Dont Know his reasoning, doesnt Sound like you do either?

In reply to FesteringSore:

You're bothering us lot about it, so I assume you know the answer to your own question already.

In reply to FesteringSore: Maybe you took the 'made lots of friends' in the wrong light' did he actually say?:

'therefore I no longer want us to meet up'

In reply to Lukeva:

Well he seems to have avoided any attempts to meet.

In reply to FesteringSore: Could be worth asking outright if it means he's no longer up for going for walks or meeting up because he's made new friends, if he's a genuine friend he'll respond with something like 'not at all' and that he does do?

In reply to Timmd:

Agreed ^^^

If he dont want to meet up, write an honest letter to him (men can do that these days well real men anyway). Youll get an answer one way or another.

In reply to FesteringSore: I know this feeling. To be honest, your message seems that you may be infeering the negative, I mean at least you had some contact from him after retiring.

My Wife and I moved away from London and a Community Church we had been very heavily involved with for 30 years, almost all our friends were involved. I knew no one would stay in touch as I had started to notice a growing distance, but Mrs L believed contacts would remain. In practice no one has really, but then just the distance and not seeing them every few days probably makes a difference.

The only positive is that as a result I made some lovley new friends who I hang out with now.

In reply to John Lewis:

At least it's not just me then ;0|

In reply to FesteringSore: http://lifelessons4u.wordpress.com/2009/03/01/are-you-a-reason-a-season-or-...

If you can accept it then you will feel better perhaps.

Its possible to have a deep friendship without it being a long friendship, as it is possible to have a shallow one for a lifetime.

In reply to marsbar:

Very wise words.

In reply to FesteringSore: maybe he's embarrassed by you? His new friends might be better walkers and more fun/adventurous. Maybe he doesn't want to mix old and new for those kinds of reasons.
Ah well, probably means you should give up and forget about them.

In reply to marsbar:
Agreed

I quite like the shallow one for a lifetime.

I have some mates that I can go years without speaking to (as they're in USA/ Europe) but every so often we touch base, chat like mad, exchange funny emails and I feel good.

As long as you feel good - they're friends

In reply to Babika: That doesn't mean they're shallow, though.

I'd almost see shallow friends as people who seem to retreat if you have problems or start to share them, but perhaps they're just aquaintances.

In reply to FesteringSore:
A shallow friend:

http://www.rockclimbingcompany.co.uk/images/cam-sided-bad.jpg






(sorry)

In reply to FesteringSore: There could be other reasons why he is avoiding meeting up, ill health, lack of time, pressure from OT, depression etc. He could just have lost interest in walking. Saying he's made "lots of new friends" is a bizarre phrase to come out with and I probably wouldn't take that at face value, although obviously I don't know the context.

Sounds like you've done the right thing by making it clear you're still up for getting out if he wants to meet up. You could always just ask if he's ok or if there is any other reason he's not heading out anymore. Apart from that, like you said, there's only so much you can do and sometimes things just end. People change but that doesn't necessarily cheapen the good times you had.

In reply to Sharp: That sounds quite likely. I'm sure I'm not the only one that goes a bit quiet on occasion.

In reply to FesteringSore:

Yep, some folks are shallow. And sometimes theyre not, but the connection is.

Sometimes (often?) relationships are geographical, not emotional, and dissolve as the location passes.
I think 20-odd years was a good run. Nothing lasts. There may be no reason beyond simple distraction.

In reply to FesteringSore:

A 25 year friendship's not bad. It's always after about two meetings that people start making their excuses with me...

In reply to ice.solo:

It's interesting, I've a friend I keep in touch with who's been in another country for 7 years, I'm comfortable that things will be fine between us next time we meet up. 20 odd years is definitely a good run, but I understand OP's sadness if he thought he'd made 'a friend for life'. I seem to have a few of those which stem from childhood, while I've other friendships which come and go.

Have just had who I thought was becoming a close friend explain she'd not been clear (about being friends and in what way) because she'd not been confident at the time, in her new job, which took a bit of dealing with. Along the lines 'Great thanks, nice to feel like you weren't being really friendly just because you wanted to be my friend...'

It's part of being human I guess though, misunderstanding one another and finding out who we are as we go along, which is all she's been doing if I think objectively. Confusing as it might have been.

In reply to FesteringSore: I suppose it's all a bit like UKC. People come and people go ;o|

In reply to FesteringSore:

People come, people go, new interests catch your attemntion and old ones slip away to make room for them. As a result things drift apart. That's how life works, especially if you no longer live close together and meeting up requires planning. Otherwise you'd still be spending your time playing cowboys and indians in the back street with the kids you were best mates with when you were five.

In reply to Wiley Coyote: Some friendships do endure for a lifetime though, even when people move away from each other. I've seen a few which have.

In reply to FesteringSore:

Maybe for some reason you've pissed him off without realising it.

I've have had it happen to me. For example someone I thought was a good friend couldn't help making snide comments every time we met. I actually don't think they had changed, more my tolerance for their negativity had. I expect they don't understand why I don't keep in touch with them anymore (or more likely they don't care). Either way I don't lose any sleep over it.

In reply to Timmd:


Absolutely true. But I think that for most people convenience does play a greater or lesser part. Back in the dark and distant when letters were needed perhaps fewer long distance friendships survived. Now you can email 1,000 people with the same 'What we did this year' Christmas message but is that a friendship?
I'd say I've got two real 'friends', plus climbing buddies I've probably spent litteraly years with if I tot up all the weekends and holidays we've spent together, former colleagues I'm still in touch with, dozens of acquaintences with whom I'm friendly and countless facebook 'friends' who we will gloss over. I suppose it depends how you define a friend.