UKC

NOT my daughter! But I picked mine up from her mates last night at 6 ish, the mate came out of the house with her and daughter asked me if I'd drop her pal off at her boyfriends as its on the way. Sure, no problem, passing that area anyway. After we'd dropped the mate off I asked mine "how is S getting home later? is her mum picking her up?" thinking of the bad weather on its way. Turns out the mate is staying over at the boyfriends house and they'll go into school together today! Ages? all 3 are 16, mine, the mate and the BF are all in the last year of school. boyfriend sleeping arrangements? I don't know. I said to the wifey later in the evening that no way would I knowingly be allowing ours to stay over at a boyfriends until she is 17 and I don't want boyfriends staying over at our house until she's 18.
Yes I know it happens - they'll find somewhere to have sex however I feel extremely uncomfortable by granting sleepovers underage. Not only that her bedroom is directly above ours in the attic conversion. I'm not a total Victorian in parenting though, she does partake in supervised alcohol consumption for example but I think the other parents here are a little too liberal in this case.
So, what do you think? Would you let yours stay at the boy/girlfriends overnight at 16? "its ok mum, we have seporate bedrooms" yea right, just remember what we were up to at that age

In reply to wilkie14c:

Well it's up to you but if you don't they'll just be drinking in the street and rutting in bus shelters or round the back of the cricket club.

Heady days...

In reply to wilkie14c: glad it's not your daughter. Was a little concerned at the daughters boyfriend and bullet with your name on it combo!

In reply to Escher:
You know 16 is the legal age of consent right? So it's not underage. And yes, you sound like an up-tight Victorian parent, and since you've already said you were up to things at that age what's the problem!

In reply to wilkie14c:

We recently faced this issue with our own daughter. She is now 18, but she has had her bf stay over when she was 17. For some reason one if the agreed sleepovers didn't happen (we had an impromptu stay over at my sister's or something) so daughter thoug ht that 'swapping' arranged bf sleepover to Tuesday was ok. We said 'no' and reminded her that we 'choose our battles, and this one we choose'!

It is tough, and you never know if you have got it right. So much depends on the strength of your relationship with your child, and how rebellious they are...

In reply to wilkie14c:

Maybe they're trying for a baby?

In reply to wilkie14c:

My daughter's 15 at the moment. When she's 16, if she has a boyfriend, he can stay at ours at weekends but not on school nights. I'd rather the boyfriend stayed at ours, that way I know that he's on the sofa and she's safely locked in her bedroom and I have the key on a string round my neck. :0)
Climbing up the corner of the house and in through her bedroom window goes about E1 5a so if he manages that then fair play.

In reply to wilkie14c:

Well if my daughter brings home a bf, I will ensure I am wearing a blooded apron and butchering a pig, or a phallic cut of meat with a cleaver.

Why? Because I know what I was like. And I am a hypocrite and learn from life.

My cousin is 18 at uni and I am currently vetting her bf (she is the closest I have to a sister.)

In reply to wilkie14c:

Just thinking of the burglary definition -
A person enters a building, or part thereof, as a trespasser with the intent to steal
or
Having entered a building, or part thereof, as a trespasser he steals.

Now, could your daughter's virginity but classed as the stolen property???

In reply to wilkie14c:

Whats wrong with you? The age of consent is 16, you should have already had the conversation with your daughter about staying safe sexually, and frankly given the choice of her having sex in your house, of in a nasty alley/public park/toilet, i'd have thought you'd have chosen the sensible location.

In reply to winhill:

Lol

In reply to wilkie14c:

My Daughter is also 16. She Lives a Long way away, and since she was 6 i only get to see her each school holiday. So i dont get much say at all over what she does day to day. This has Probably been good in that i have tried to Equip her with the ability to make good Choices for Herself, and has taught me not worry about her.

theyll do what theyre gonna do no Matter what you feel. As Others Pointed out 16 is the age of consent.

Bedroom or bus shelter? That is your real choice.

Would you feel the same if you had a son?

In reply to TomBaker:

Ah, should explain, the 16/17 thing - mine is 17 at the same time as she finishes school hence why we consider 17 to be the approrate age for her to make adult decsions and be treated as an adult <i.e staying over at BF's> At age 18 she'll be a full adult in the eyes of the law and if she is still 'at home' with us she'll effectivly be a paying lodger and therefore can do as she pleases. The safe sex conversation has of course happened long ago, we have no concerns there but the question is one of morality - what message is being given to schoolchildren that are allowed to stay over at their boy/girlfriends and how will this knock on to the next generation?

Teflon pete - E1 5a in the dark and without shoes was a piece of piss when I was 16, get some window locks just to be safe mate

In reply to mh554:




I think your appearance (even without the meat cleaver) is enough to scare off any bloke! Lol

In reply to wilkie14c:


:0)

Of course I jest, but to my way of thinking, at 16 I'd let her bf stay over at ours in her bedroom, but only at weekends. Whilst she's still at school, no staying over at his place or hers on a school night. I want her to concentrate on passing her GCSEs, not getting plugged.

That said, chance would be a fine thing, she's more interested in horses and playing her bass guitar at the moment, plus she goes to grammar school and most of the boys at school are a bit weak, metrosexual and pathetic. She's yet to meet a lad that's got enough about him to interest her.

In reply to wilkie14c:

I hope my daughters both have fantastic sex when they are old enough so long as it's balanced with good judgement and careful thought. Boyfriends will simply be menaced to behave well towards my daughters.

Cheers

Toby

In reply to wilkie14c:

Morality!? Lol, so having sex at 16 is wrong?

In reply to JayPee630:

We are talking about adults consenting to school children having sex, not 16 year olds having sex. Are you a parent or are you 16?

In reply to wilkie14c:
I though you were talking about 16 year olds? Adults can't legally consent to school children under 16 or over 16 doing anything to do with sex?!

In reply to mh554:


Do you think it could be returned once the thief was caught?

In reply to JayPee630:


But adults can legally consent to who does and does not stay overnight in their house, regardless of the age of their child.

In reply to wilkie14c:
I think this is disgusting. Your daughter is clearly not old enough, and it is illegal too. You've been letting your underage daughter consume alcohol? :P

As for the sex part, that (as other people have pointed out) is legal at 16 and probably inevitable (at best) :P

In reply to teflonpete:

Yes, but I've never though that with an overnight stay came compulsory sex, maybe that's where the OP is going wrong?

In reply to wilkie14c:

To be fair there is nothing wrong with children at school (who are over 16 having sex) I understand where you're coming from but to be honest it is a little bit of an outdated viewpoint (this is obviously personal).

In reply to andrewmcleod:

Yes inevitable and perfectly fine if safe and both parties consenting. What bothers me is parents enabling thier kids to have sex by allowing sleep overs when still at school

In reply to JayPee630:


But the whole point is staying over on a school night, I wouldn't want them playing tiddly winks until 1 O'clock in the morning on a Wednesday night during term time either. :0)

In reply to wilkie14c:

I am fairly sure that at 16 if my parents let my girlfriend stay over or not we would have found a way to have sex. Best never leave the house when they are there in the day either!

In reply to JayPee630:

Just to clarify, I'm not talking about my daughter here, rather her friend. Also I did point out that I don't the sleeping arrangements at the BF's house, it could all be perfectly innocent. I'm preparing myself for when mine does want to have a BF sleeping over, I'll want to say NO obviously however I want to study different viewpoints and re-evaluate my position and if I still say NO I want to be able to fully explain why I say no, not just say no 'because I say so' if you know what I mean?

In reply to JoshOvki:

I'd rather stay out! imagine hearing your kids at it? got to be the only thing worse than hearing your mam & dad

In reply to crayefish:

No but it can be permanently deprived, in line with one of the outcomes of the theft as defined in s.9 of the Act.

In reply to wilkie14c:

I would have been way too embarrassed to have had a bf staying over as a teenager!! It would have been mortifying, even if we weren't going to have sex, for my parents to have been thinking that we were!!

In reply to wilkie14c:

Fair point.

Personally (and I think my parents got this right) no one was allowed to stay over on a school night, but on the weekends it was fine. We where told that under no circumstances where we to have sex while anyone else was in the house (on the assumption we where having sex anyway), if we went against this then no more weekend sleepovers either.

Seemed perfectly fair then and now.

In reply to mh554:

It's so sexy when you quote police stuff! LOL

In reply to wilkie14c:

Surely the reason is that they are going to play the adult version of tunnels and trains and, as a father, you can't deal with that?

My daughter is only 10 months old, I've no idea how I'll deal with it when it happens. Badly, I suppose....

In reply to wilkie14c:


We purposefully had the smallest bedroom at the other end of the house from the kids rooms when we moved into the house we rent, for the moment so that they don't hear us but for in the future so that we don't hear them! :0)

In reply to Toby_W:



Good response. Perhaps not the menaced bit. ()

In reply to teflonpete:

I think Joshovki has offered the best advice so far - tell em you can have as much sex in the house as you like as long as nobody has to hear it. Walking into her bedroom unannounced isn't going to happen in my case, she's up in the attic conversion so up a flight of stairs plus I only ever go in there wearing overalls and a face mask. Its a teenagers room don't forget!

In reply to wilkie14c:

I find it interesting that everyone is so focused on age. Why would you draw an arbitrary line at 17 after which they are allowed to have boyfriends stay over? Surely it is at least (if not more) dependent on how mature your daughter is, what type of boy she is going out with, how long they have been going out, etcetera?

In reply to wilkie14c:

Does your daughters 'mate' have a tv, laptop, books or phone in her room?

If she does she is probably up late on school nights anyway.

On s/n let the bf stay til 12 then he's got to go home.
On w/e let them stay at each others houses.


Why does being at school have such a bearing on your perception of what is morally right for the parents to allow?

What is the difference between a 16yo getting no sleep and going in to school the next day compared to the same scenario in college?

Should point out I'm 19 and as such don't have a teenage daughter so my grasp on the subject comes from a different perspective than a parents.

In reply to Brev:

Yes fair question that. She doesn't have a BF so by the time she does and we fine out these variables she'll be 17 anyway but I explained higher up why we said 17 was 'her' age for staying over at BF's house. Basically she's still at school until 17 anyway so we'd rather her focus on exams / 6th form etc rather than sleeping over at BF's house. Typical teenager though, I always seem to say the wrong thing, the other night I commented that if she'd spent as much time on the internet looking for a part time job than looking at prom dresses she might have more luck finding something...
I'm a parent of a stroppy teenager, I have to say these things, its the law.

Pretty much answered that yourself.

In reply to wilkie14c:

As a teacher and parent it is where you see parents (unintentionally?) promoting the view that promiscuity is OK. Saying 'i'd rather they did it in my house where I know they're safe' is a complete cop out - mainly because they're not any safer than if they were at it on a blanket down the allotments!

I would always advise my own children that sex outside of a long term stable relationship is always ill advised for a variety of health and emotional reasons. If, in time, they choose to ignore me then thats up to them, but they won't be ignoring me in my house.

In reply to tatty112:

That's your opinion, not fact, so don't get so bothered when people think sex outside of a long term stable relationship is fine.

In reply to tatty112:

How long do they have to be together for it to be long term? Bit of sexual promiscuity has never done me any harm, quite enjoyed (enjoying) it actually.

In reply to wilkie14c:

We let my 17 year old son's girlfriend stay over at weekends and, although she is in the spare room they definitely get together when we appear not to be looking. School nights, however, are a definite no no. For us there is no consent-related moral question, only a matter of what is acceptable in our house during an important school year.

In reply to JoshOvki:

Same as our house rules (daughters 16 and 17).

CB

In reply to wilkie14c:


It was different in our day though
youtube.com/watch?v=5hICVC37Mk8&

In reply to tatty112:


I think the teacher and parent is irrelevant, what might have been more appropriate was "As someone who still holds outdated Christian values as fact..."

"Walking into her bedroom unannounced isn't going to happen in my case, she's up in the attic conversion so up a flight of stairs plus I only ever go in there wearing overalls and a face mask. Its a teenagers room don't forget!"

To be fair, I think if you DID walk in unannounced on her and her boyfriend whilst wearing overalls and a facemask, the poor lad might not be back round anyway!

In reply to teflonpete:


Abso-fcuking-lutely! My daughter is 17, and I am having/have had all the angst of above too. I am of the nouveau-Victorian persuasion I'm afraid...

pass me the meat cleaver...........

In reply to wilkie14c:

Some very liberal views on here which I suppose is hardly surprising. I'm guessing a lot of the liberal views are from youngsters or folk without kids. I've huge sympathy for the OP and his reservations about these circumstances. I have a daughter and from my perspective I suspect my house rules (when these things become relevant in a few years) will be very victorian.

That's certainly how I was raised and from all my mates I can't think of anyone whose parents was liberal enough to have boyfriends/girlfriends staying over.

I'm afraid I don't subscribe to the bus shelter argument either. Again, in my generation that really wasn't all that prevalent and those youths who did partake tended to be those without a particularly well developed value system/moral compass.

In reply to JohnnyW:

+1 - mine's just turned 16 so am terrified of all this!!, the longer she waits the better (hopefully she is doing!). Wife is a bit more liberal!

In reply to JamButty:

My wife is the more liberal of the two of us, and I dread to think what she actually knows! I am happy in blissful, pseudo-naive ignorance.

'That's your department love' say I. 'I deal with cycles, power tools and climbing trips, you know that'

In reply to wilkie14c:
I think kids are getting a raw deal with 1950's style parenting and poor quality sex education from teachers who have no clue. Instead of having people to turn to for advice about their sex life they've got parents understandably in denial because it's easier to say no than to talk about sex and teachers still touting their own archaic values as if they somehow hold the key to the right way to have sexual relationships.

FWIW when I grew up most people starting doing the sex/drugs/alcohol experimentation around 14/15. Some parents were strictly "you'll never go out again if you do xyz"...their kids did xyz, learning from peers and the internet on the way. Some had parents that were more liberal, they did xyz too but at least they didn't have to hide it and maybe didn't feel quite so alone. *

I can imagine the idea of "letting" your kids have sex is difficult, but it's an illusion, they'll do it anyway. The only choice you have is do they do it in your home, a safe, clean place with contraception and a level of safety that they (especially girls) wont have anywhere else. Or do they do it in secret from you, at parties, in the woods, drunk, off their face. It's your choice.

I don't think parenting will ever be for me but if it was the only message I'd want a daughter of mine to hear is your body is your own and don't let anyone tell you what you can and can't do with it, not me, not your conservative teachers and not the boy you've started dating. Laying down the law is only one more person telling young women that they're not the ones who get to choose what happens to their bodies and tbh I think they get enough of that message as it is.


* And by the by, for those who have the "my kids don't do that" opinion, I grew up in a reasonably affluent area, 90% of the people I hung around with went on to higher education and from what I see of them these days they seem well adjusted and have had healthy relationships.

In reply to JohnnyW:


LOL! I used to get away with that when I was married. Problem is now I have a new partner who says "they're your kids" and neither of the kids want to go away on climbing trips anymore so I can't even use that excuse.

In reply to Sharp:

Good post Ben.

In reply to girlymonkey:

Great moniker!

In reply to teflonpete:

cheers man, all easier to say when you don't have kids though!

In reply to Sharp:


It's totally true though all the same.

In reply to wilkie14c:

"Madam, there is nothing quieter in the entire world than a 16 year old girl shagging when her father is in the room next door." Phill Jupitus.

All you need to know is in this inspried standup routine by the aforementioned P Jupitus: youtube.com/watch?v=zhdpBCCChMk&

More seriously, (and I haven't read the thread) you're coming across as having some very strange attitudes.


This says it all. Have you forgotten? Either you can be someone your daughter can be relaxed about sexual matters around or you can be Victorian Dad and she will have sex elsewhere and possibly will learn about sex in less than ideal situations, probably like you and I did (but not together!). Your underage/adult construct is baffling too. Some 15 year olds are emotionally more mature than some 20 year olds. The legal question is cut and dried, 16, end of. Finally, I understand wanting to protect your kids from crime, hard drugs and bad company etc, but really, is sex still a bad thing in 21st century Britain?

In reply to Removed User:
Even soft drugs can fiddle with developing brains more than is ideal, compared to when they've stopped, but I agree other than that bit of pernickertyness.

In reply to Timmd:

Let's not get into a drugs debate, that will get really tedious I was using it as an example of Things Parents Try To Protect Their Children From.

In reply to wilkie14c:

My Mrs was having sex at sixteen and regretted it. Why should parents be told that letting their kids have sex at that age be the norm? They shouldn't. As long as they're under your roof, it's your rules.
There's too much media nowadays. Kids are more sexually aware than I remember as a kid. Sleeping over mid week! Not a chance! If they want to shag, let it be uncomfortable. None of this new age nonsense for me, ta very much.

In reply to wilkie14c:

You seem to be conflating a whole plethora of stuff and trying to answer it in one go:

1. Staying out late on a school night.
2. Young adults having sexual relationships.
3. Children obeying the rules of the parents while living at home.

Which bit is it that actually is bothering you?

Sex is a nice thing, a way of people expressing love and affection towards one another. A way that your daughter was actually created!

In reply to Skol:


Why did she regret it? Surely, this isn't a hard and fast rule for everyone and would depend on the individual person and the nature of their relationship?


ummm... because it is? According to the BBC, "The average age of first (heterosexual) intercourse is 16 in the UK. It was 21 in the 1950s."


That's fair enough, but what a chance to talk to them about values, emotions, feelings, to give them confidence in their own decisions, to be able to know what feels right or wrong to them etc. So that they feel confident about saying no, if they want to say no, when you aren't there to supervise what happens.

In reply to wilkie14c:

you have told us that you did not marry your woman for her cooking skills and yet this surprise's you? keep lines of communication open by being accepting despite your own misgivings... and now for dadsnet...

www.ukcdadsnet.copout.uk/step_daughter_legal_yet_disapproved-of_dot.wtf?

In reply to tlm:


She felt that she was too young and was pressured into it. She has convinced our near 18 yr old, who is quite grown up, that she is too young as well. Which the child admits.


Glad I don't watch the beeb. Just because the BBC say the average age has fallen, doesn't make it morally right? In the 17th century, kings used to 'marry' 11 year olds. I'm gladly not affected by what other people think is the 'norm'.


True. That's why my Mrs has had the chat about her experience of sex too early, which left her with a child and a feckless father to the child.

In reply to Skol:

In the 17th century at around 11 you where on average a third of the way through your life, hardly surprising they where getting married, and totally a strawman argument.

Near 18 and you are calling them "the child", could you be any more patronising to them?!

I had sex at 16 and fricking loved it, carried on having great sex since then. No sprogs running around from it mind, mainly because my parents spoke to me about it and explained about safe sex. It shouldn't be such a taboo.

In reply to Skol:
Part of the cause of young women being pressured into sex is young women never being given the agency over their own sex lives. Our culture and our media paint a picture of young women as helpless victims in need of protection from ravenous young men and this is reinforced when we give children anti-sex messages. As if being female means that they shouldn't expect to actually enjoy or want sex. The narrative is that they should just wait until they're ready to endure it for the sake of netting the right 'one'. It's a bad narrative imo.

There's quite a few articles on this topic on the Guardian's /comment is free/sex education section. (67 posts, someone had to mention the Guardian)

In reply to wilkie14c:

Our daughter started having her boyfriend sleep over when she was 17. She didn't have a boyfriend at 16, but we would have been happy with her having him stay over at that age.

Better them being safe, and not turn sex into something dirty or furtive, from the off.

She's now 19 and we have her boyfriend living with us.

In reply to Removed User:


It would, yes lets' not. ()

In reply to Skol:


I looked it up, not watched it. I didn't make any judgement on the morality of it, I just said that it actually is the norm nowadays.

It's hard to judge what is right for another person. I think it is less about their age than about their maturity and their relationship. Rather than just going for age, isn't it better to give them the confidence and skills to judge for themselves and to be able to withstand any pressure?

What age do you want her to go for? 35? That can bring its own issues...

In reply to tlm:

What is the average age in other western countries though? Britain has the highest teenage pregnancy rate in europe, and from what I've seen people in other european countries have a better attitude to sex / marriage / life in general than the Brits do.
I'd suggest that if your kids are having safe sex, at some point they'll have unsafe sex...and that's not a good idea these days as people aren't scared of AIDS like we were in the 80's and 90's. Google 'teenage sexual health'

In reply to tlm:


According to a statistical survey. Suggest you watch Kevin Bridges explaining the accuracy of such statistics.

I'm with the OP - older daughter turns 16 tomorrow, shotgun on order and barbed wire being placed round her bedroom window.

In reply to wilkie14c:

From my hazy memories of my teen years I found girls where into love and looking for a relationship. Us lads just wanted a shag. Perhaps knowing this has tainted my view on the world?

In reply to wilkie14c:

An accurate description. My daughter can't understand why i think it unacceptable she sits watching TV with her boyfriend wearing her pyjamas! We're obviously projecting our perception of what boys are like now. That said I'm not taking any chances. He's a boy and filled with testosterone and we all know how dangerous that is.

In reply to Toerag:


Uh??? Surely, that depends on the person? I didn't ever have unsafe sex and many other people I know never have. And why call them a kid, rather than a young adult?

In reply to wilkie14c:


Confused. When she's 17 you'd be happy to have her staying out at a boyfriends house, but you won't be happy to have them doing it in your house until she's 18?


It's hard to accept, but they've probably been at it like knives for a couple of years already.

We had to accept with our daughter. I know it's uncomfortable...but you have to deal with it. Ours met her boyfriend when she was 14. She didnt broach the subject of sleepovers till she was 16 and after a lot of umming and ahhing we realised there wasn't really a logical argument 'not' to let them stay over at each others houses.

Reason? They were up front and mature about. And because at some point in our own lives, we've been that age. We knew that if we had 'forbidden' it, they would have gone ahead and done it at a friends house or the back of a car, or failing that somewhere grim and potentially unsafe.

We realised that the more we tried to stop it, the more determined it would have made them and it could potentially have caused a lot of resentment.

Honestly feel that treating them like adults was a good move.

They're still together now, five years on. They're engaged, and they live together.

Must admit though, I'm interested to see how THEY handle the situation if and when they eventually have kids of their own. Hahahahah..

In reply to ThunderCat:

thats the difference i guess, you have been through the process, I haven't. It may never happen but if i menatlly prepare now at least i wont look like victoria dad from viz when the time comes!
18 - can't stop her, she'll be a full adult and simply renting a room from us. We may not see it like that but that is what it is is

In reply to wilkie14c:

Totally off topic, but I think Victorian Dad is legendary.... Hahaha.

It's not an easy one to get your head around, I admit...and the temptation was to bury our head in the sand and say "LALALALALALAL" very loud and pretend it was never going to happen.

But we knew it would / was. And like I said, they'd met when she was a lot younger, he's a good lad, so we knew him.

I come from a family where the topic of sex is a bit taboo, so the whole issue of discussing it with daughter was a big leap (from my point of view anyway).

You'll get there. It'll be fine.

In reply to wilkie14c:


So sayeth the narrative...

Wouldn't it be a better world if a) girls were allowed to just want a shag, and b) boys were allowed to be looking for love and relationships?

It doesn't matter whether it actually happens like that for the majority, but an honest acceptance that not all people are the same might lead to a more mature outlook where people do what they want to because they want to, not because they are supposed to.

At 16 you'll screw it all up anyway, probably, but such is life :P

In reply to wilkie14c:
I've got two daughters - 4 and 2. Maybe my position will have changed by the time they're 16, but by default answer would be yes, but not on a school night, and (probably) not sleeping in the same room in my house. Funnily enough, pretty much the same rules that my girlfriends mum applied to me when I stayed over. However, I went on holiday with her and her parents when she was 16 (or possibly just turned 17, can't remember), and we shared a room.

That's the default position - but it can get a lot more strict (Victorian would be a very bad analogy, they were dirty bastards) depending on the boyfriend and the daughter...

In reply to wilkie14c:
Try being in your 30's and dating a lass from a strict catholic family.

You find you are not allowed to sleep in the same room before you are married even if you are already living together!

In reply to Toerag:


It's 16.5 in the Netherlands, which has (one of) the lowest teenage pregnancy rate in Europe, and (quite possibly related to that) use of contraceptives is significantly higher among teenagers in the Netherlands than in the UK as well.

In reply to tlm:


It's also the norm to be on Facebook etc, that doesn't mean she has to follow suit?


At sixteen you think you know it all, in hindsight you don't . I'd rather she listened to her mothers experience.

Not at all. Why 35?

In reply to ThunderCat:









Yep, been there and felt the discomfort too. i had the leg over in all kinds of grim spots as a youth which says little about the girlies i hanged around with and even less about me as I didnt care. I would prefer my girls (X 3) to be warm and safe when they are doing what comes naturally as long as they are old enough. not that me deciding that will ever stop them if they wanted to.

In reply to wilkie14c:

Well, I think you are in danger of alienating your daughter. We allowed our daughter to sleep with her boyfriend, both at our house and his when she was 15, (and so was he) after a serious talk about contraception. When she was 16, she moved away for college, and after much discussion with his parents, they moved in together. (We felt, that if she had our support, if things went pear shaped, she'd feel OK to come home, whereas if we'd tried to stop her, she might well have gone to live with him anyway and then felt she'd burnt her bridges.)

She's now 26, they got married a couple of years ago and we now have a beautiful granddaughter.

Having said all that, I would not have been happy if the boyfriend had been significantly older!

In reply to Mark Kemball:

Sounds like you took a huge gamble but it paid off, pleased for you it turned out the way it has <granddad!> Like I said though, it's not my daughter who even has a boyfriend but her friend however, it has made me examine how I'd handle it and this thread has certainly given me an insight into a teenage mind. I have changed my outlook slightly, not discussed it with the wife yet but if faced with this situation say next week, I'd still say no to school nights, I think we owe it to her to get through this last bit of school with minimum distractions, however, on a weekend / holidays, do as you please as long as we aren't in the house to hear it. The last bit may not even be relevant as others have posted, it'd be the quietest sex ever if her parents were in the house!
Wife gonna read this thread later, I'm sure she'll have her eyes opened a little too.

In reply to wilkie14c:

I think you're right to say no to school nights, we now have a similar situation with our 18yr old son. He's still at home, and with A levels coming up, there's going to be a reduction of over night stays.

In reply to TheDrunkenBakers:


I think that was our attitude exactly...warm and safe.

In reply to grumpybearpantsclimbinggoat:



Wondering how they policed that....CCTV in your house?

In reply to Skol:


Yes, exactly what I am saying. I wasn't saying anything about what she should or shouldn't do. I was just saying what is the norm.


So you would rather she didn't make her own decisions in life and let others make them for her?

Or you would rather than she made her own decisions in life, with help and guidance?


The question was, what age do you think would be the right age for her?

In reply to JoshOvki:


But in this century people will have more time to make a choice due to living longer.

At 18, not 17 and 364 days, you are an adult in law. Pre 18, you are a child .

In reply to Skol:


Apart from being legally able to get married, have sex, have a baby, apply for legal aid, be detained in custody, move out of the family home, rent accommodation, give consent to medical treatment, choose their own doctor, order their own passport, buy lottery tickets.... I can't be bothered to type any more.

The law doesn't have a clear cut age for becoming an adult, and being an adult is a process where change continues to happen, with some 40 year olds being less mature and responsible than some 16 year olds.

In reply to Skol: My brother & I are in our 40s, my sister is in her 30s. My parents refer to us collectively as "the kids". We certainly don't feel patronised by this as Josh suggests, nor have we ever objected and insisted they use some more 'politically correct' term as suggested by tlm. It's a term of endearment. In my experience parents often refer to their offspring as their 'children' for pretty much the rest of their lives. I've never heard them refer to 'our young adults' etc.

In reply to tlm:


The average age is as you say 16.

ummm... because it is? According to the BBC, "The average age of first (heterosexual) intercourse is 16 in the UK. It was 21 in the 1950s."
Statistics are bollox. My daughter and all her friends, some 18 are all virgins. The only one that isn't, has a baby now and is not going off to uni like the others.


Er, no. You are making assumptions.

Correct. Well done.

When she decides. It's nothing to do with me. I'm glad she's had the sense to wait. Not having a boyfriend helps

In reply to owlart:

Me to.
I think josh is 'down with them kids'. How dare we condescend the useless lot.

In reply to tlm:



The cortex in most doesn't stop developing until the mid twenties. So why are you so keen to call 16 yr olds adults, capable of making decisions that can seriously set back their lives. See above post re 18yr old not going to uni due to baby.

In reply to Skol:


You do understand what 'average' means? And do you really think that 17 year olds actually discuss their sex life with anyone else, let alone their mates aged dad???!!!

I wasn't assuming anything - I was asking you!

In reply to Skol:

I'm not keen to define them as anything - I just think that calling them children isn't quite giving the whole picture of a developing adult. But horses for courses - maybe your 17 year old daughter is a child.

Didn't you notice the bit where I say that being an adult is a process, rather than a static point?

In reply to tlm:

Yes. I do understand what average means. I've asked before. Are you a teacher ? You have a certain tone in your posts. Why would I want to discuss a teenagers sex life with them?

See above. It's the way your post came across

In reply to Skol:


Nah - I'm just bossy!

In reply to tlm:


I'm sure you are! Lovely

In reply to wilkie14c:

When I lived at home in my late teens /early twenties, I occasionally had girlfriends staying over. In the morning, at about 7am on each occasion, he would be outside cleaning the bedroom window and whistling. My friend also reported this phenomenon . Was he mad/ being a tawt/ or genuinely cleaning the windows?

In reply to Skol:


Isn't that what being a father is all about, losing your marbles, annoying your kids and cleaning the windows?

And FWIW, virginity isn't a thing.

In reply to Sharp:

Im not really a window cleaner , but will be

In reply to owlart:
It wasn't being called "the kids", my mother still happily refers to me and my sister as the kids, it was "the child".

Skol:
I wouldn't say I am "down with the kids", perhapse I am just not so past it I have forgotten what it was like. Also useless lot, really? I am the one paying for your pension after all.


I don't know why you would want to, but you appear to.