UKC

A comment which is often used by people when somebody they know is experiencing problems or difficulties is "If there's anything I can do, let me know". When they make such comments I often wonder how sincere they are. It seems to me that good neighbours are thinner on the ground nowadays.

OK, a lot of people are too proud and independent to take the comment on face value and actually ask for help but how many who utter the comment follow it up by going and knocking on the neighbour's door and asking if they need any help with anything.

In reply to mypyrex:
I think sometimes people really Mean it, sometimes they are just lost and floundering for an Appropriate response to your Situation, and Grab for what they feel is right to say. Nothing personal i reckon?

My elderly neighbours wife died end of last year. He tells me hes now just waiting for the end, i tell him to stop being a c*nt. He Knows im Here for anything he needs.

youve no doubt got the same. You Know who really is there for you, and who is paying Lip Service, and you also Know its not their fault i reckon.

In reply to broken spectre:


I suppose that's true but I still feel that neighbourliness has declined, especially in urban areas.

In reply to mypyrex:

Nah, im in a Pretty run down Urban council Estate, most community Looking out for each Other ive Known.

Maybe its where you are?

In reply to mypyrex:


These's both seem a bit contradictory?

In principle I think people can want to be there, but one has to work out how far the other person is willing/able to be there. They may quite want to be, but not be emotionally capable of actually being there to the degree that the other person needs them to be.

So when somebody says if there's anything I can do, one has to almost go through a careful process of seeing how 'there' people can be, in saying hello and exploring it as if it was a new friendship almost, to see if it's a case of two people meshing.

Somebody thinking another person's plight is very sad and how much they can actually be there, can be two different things.

At least that's how it seems to me having lost my Mum seven months ago. One can be surprised by who does turn out to be there, too.

The above is perhaps more about friendships than being good neighbours.

In reply to mypyrex:

I have found that my east European friends are more genuine than british ones. they DO mean what they say

In reply to mypyrex:

Life is difficult for many people. I always appreciate the sentiment even if I suspect they're not in position to actually deliver. Often I'm not, either.

People are pretty good, on the whole.

In reply to mypyrex:

I never say stuff like that and I mean it every time.

In reply to redsonja:

That chimes a bit with something I've picked up on, but I've no eastern European friends as such.

I've very genuine English friends, too. It's just a gut feeling from who I've come across.

(it is deleted altered you stupid software)

In reply to redsonja:

I don't know what part of eastern Europe you're talking about, but my experience of Russians and Ukrainians is like that. Friendships are really strong, they are very dependable.

In reply to mypyrex:

Do people always mean what they say? = No they don't.

Do read :-

"The games people play" by Eric Berne. An excellent book about the.....games, social interactions, rituals, pastimes and so on, we all (mostly) play.

"How are you?" is a good example of a ritual for many people.

In reply to Dave Perry:

My mother in law always answered the question 'how are you are Pamela' in excruciating detail.

I often tried to explain that I didn't really want to know, but she never got it.

In reply to Rob Exile Ward:
My dad once flippantly said to me 'When people ask how you are...they don't want to know'. Quite funny and true (but not completely true). He's a mine of flippant advice*. ()

*He pretends to be a cynic but we've never been fooled...

In reply to mypyrex:

Years ago when I was pregnant for the first time, my neighbour whom I didn't know very well said "if you need us, any time day or night, just call". You never know, but I think she meant it, and I really valued her saying it. Today I said the same to my neighbour, whom I don't know very well and who is having her first pregnancy. I mean it.

People often genuinely want to help, and people often want to be helped but don't really know how to ask.

Instead of "if there is anything I can do to help"
try
Can I babysit the kids for you so you can have a night off?
Can I come round and cook you dinner this weds?
I'm going to tesco tonight, can I do your shopping for you? - just give me a list.

These are all easy tasks which it would be easy to accept, and can give the person a break and make them feel cared for. They might then think you are genuine enough to ask for the deeper help they need.

In reply to Timmd:
Makes sense. First time travelling in Europe, a resident from somewhere "ooop north" in the hostel in Amsterdam I was staying in would always ask me "Y'right?" every time we saw each other. To which I'd respond something along the lines of "Yeah, I'm pretty good, off to Vondel...." only to find he'd have walked on by before I'd finished the sentence.

In most cultures there are some series of words that are used when meeting, which when analysed mean a lot more than they do in day to day practice. I don't think it implies anything about society. More that you cross paths with hundreds, if not thousands of people on a daily basis. It isn't practical to take an interest in the travails that afflict each one of them (just like engaging in conversation on the tube is a bit pointless).

To MyPyrex, I imagine most people would absolutely mean it. But at the same time how many want to intrude and many might be afraid of what they would find or wonder what to do. A very dear friend of mine revealed she had cancer one day and where once I could talk to her for hours I could barely say a word to her for some time after. I was certainly there for her in intent. But given the circumstances struggled to think of what to actually do or say. "Sorry"? "Bugger"? "What do you need"?

In reply to David Martin:
From close experience and that 'further away', it almost seems like lurking together as it were can be enough, having cups of tea and doing general stuff. My Mum and her friends had a friend become Ill with cancer and they paid a visit, and went along with the 'vibe' of their friend as it were, she was wanting to talk about the art exhibition she was doing so they talked about that instead of her illness.

It's a funny one, the ill people don't really know what to do or say any more than the people who know them do, not much more at least. It's one of life's curve balls.

In reply to mypyrex:

Do People Always mean what they say?

Yes, and by yes I mean no.
There is no answer to this as each person is different

In reply to mypyrex:

Sorry old son. If her indoors asks "Does my bum look big in this?" there isn't a man alive(with any sense) that will answer truthfully and say "YES"!!!

In reply to redsonja:

Funny you say that , we had an EE person over on a 6 months work experience, I said I could put her in touch with others of her community and they would likely show her the ropes.

She said no thanks, they will cheat me !

In reply to mypyrex:

Although I am still young (in early 20s), I try to separate one's talks and actions. People talk much, do less. I know who I can really trust and rely on when needed. I am sure they haven't said "If there's anything I can do, let me know" phrase as it's not needed anymore. I don't have to say the same either.

In reply to mypyrex:

I always mean what I say, or at least always assume the results of making a promise... it leads to frequent problems. It may not be a good idea and it's certain that many people don't expect it.

In reply to mypyrex:

I always would want to help a friend. It's just not always clear what they need, or if it's what they want anyway. And it mustn't screw up my own life too much. I have work and other commitments that come first.