UKC

When my lymphoma kicked off three months back I told most of the folk I regarded as friends.

A couple of them keep in touch and take the initiative to phone or email me to see how I'm doing. Similarly I reciprocate their communication.

A lot, however have never been in touch since I first told them. Anyone else have similar experience. If a mate of mine was unwell I would make a point of keeping in touch; indeed a walking mate is due for a major op on his back next month and we are always exchanging emails and texts.

I wonder if some people have difficulty with such things?

In reply to mypyrex:

It could be a number of reasons, possibly they feel awkard and think they don't know what to say.

I've not been in your situation (thankfully, touch wood) but when my Dad was dying I observed similar, and one of the best things about it is is that you find who your friends are, and they become infinitely more important to you.

Hope the treatment is going well BTW.

In reply to mypyrex:

Don't be judgemental that people don't react the way you want them to.

It's far more complicated than that.

In reply to Removed User:


Yet all it takes is "Just wondering how you're getting on"


So far so good. Thanks

In reply to imkevinmc:

Not trying to be judgemental but as I said to Biped it doesn't take much does it? Friendship should surely extend BEYOND the exchange of Christmas cards.

In reply to mypyrex:

Mate they are probably feeling a lot of different emotions in my experience - scared, vulnerable, awkward (in that they don't know what to say or think), and possibly some are more acquaintances (spelling probably shite) than friends. Keep those close close, the rest will come and go. Take them for what they are. Above all else, good luck, good times, good health.

In reply to Firestarter:


Agreed and thanks. One thing I'm not doing, be assured, is losing sleep over it. Just wondered if anyone else has had similar experience.

In reply to mypyrex:

You may not be trying,but you're succeeding anyway.

In reply to mypyrex:
I think it's complicated and different people prefer different reactions from friends.

One of my friends had leukaemia (now in long term remission). Discussing peoples's reactions he said the trouble was that people kept calling up asking how he was which was actually quite stressful in itself having to keep going throughout the whole story. He appreciated that they cared but said he preferred it if people just treated him normally (so I said "like a lazy fat bastard you mean?", "yes, exactly"he said)

I have good friends I might not speak to for months at a time so would feel it odd to suddenly call up regularly if they were ill (for the reasons above). Quite possibly your friends are keeping abreast of your condition through mutual friends but don't want to be intrusive.

Best wishes for a good recovery.

In reply to mypyrex:

Stout fellow. I have had a pretty similar experience, and felt (because I wasn't feeling my best) that I wasn't as important to 'my mates' as I thought I was. That for a while made me feel pretty shitty. It took a long hard look at what I had (wife, kids, climbing, monkey (yes I had a monkey)) to realise that most things in life are transient. Then I looked at the permanent elements. Wife, kids, climbing (no monkey - f*cker could E3). Point is some things change, shouldn't be relied upon. Others are constant. Just don't buy a fecking monkey.

In reply to Firestarter:

Fair point

LoL

In reply to mypyrex:

Yhm

In reply to mypyrex:

Yep. Most friends are pretty f*cking useless in this situation. I think its cos they don't want to acknowledge the elephant in the room and don't know what to say. They think you want to talk about what's wrong with you, when most of the time (or certainly in my case) it was the last thing I wanted to talk about and in reality I just wanted to feel normal for an hour or two...

In reply to mypyrex:

I've been in your situation and the reponses I had were very varied: some people continually wanted all the latest info (which to be honest, I got bored with recounting and it's not really my style) of these some asked out of sympathy, others because they felt they had to and that it would be wrong not to (sometimes I wished they hadn't).

Then there were those who asked because it seemed they needed to understand from the standpoint of their own mortality (ie. it seemed that they needed to understand what I was going through, in order to appreciate what they would do in the same situation and put their own minds at ease). Others, found it hard to cope with (which struck me as strange at the time), however I've not lost them as friends, I maybe consider them a little differently now, but we're still close in other ways.

It's been more than 5 years now, but in conversations I do sometimes catch people off guard as I don't remember _not_ telling them; it can also come as a surprise to new friends too. People don't expect those who are young to get ill.

None of the above, however, really matters. The only thing that is important is how _you_ deal with what you are going through (you have every right to be a bit self-centred right now) and that you get the support that you need. That's where all your focus and energy needs to be.

All the best mate.

In reply to mypyrex:

Several years ago my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer, when we told our/her friends one of longest and as she classed best friend, barely spoke to us for a considerable period of time other than when my wife called her for a friendly chat. We were disturbed by the apparent distancing of her friend at what we saw was a time for friendship. Turns out the friend just couldnt handle the thought that she may lose my wife to cancer. Her way of dealing with it was to try to distance herself so if it went wrong she would not be as hurt.

As it is ( and I sincely hope it is the same with your good self, my wife made a full recovery. The friendship is back to full strength and there have been no ill feelings frm our side now we understand why.

Good luck with your treatment and remain positive and strong.

In reply to didntcomelast:




Thanks for that. Glad to hear that all is now well. I am remaining positive and today I'm looking at internet pictures of my beloved Pyrenees and thinking about next year's trip

In reply to mypyrex:


People often treat other as they would want to be treated themselves.

Personally I wouldn't want people constantly asking how I was and reminding me of an illness. Therefore I would be uneasy about doing the same thing to someone else.

In reply to timjones:

Neither do I but there is a difference between that and one or two calls in a while of a general nature. As I said before; friendship shouldn't just be about exchanging Christmas cards should it?

In reply to mypyrex:

People do have weird ways of dealing with bad news. The cliché about people crossing the street to avoid you when you've been bereaved does actually happen sometimes. They maybe don't know how to react and want to avoid 'upsetting' you. Maybe they've not been through anything similar themselves and are just clueless.

It can be extra difficult when many of your friends are made and maintained on a sporty/outdoor basis. You might only meet up with them for climbing or walking, and when you're 'sick' then you can't join in and... people stop asking after a while. Perhaps you could arrange to meet up with people in the pub afterwards, if you're not feeling up to the activities?

Of course, some people are just rubbish friends and you're better off without them!

In reply to mypyrex:


Friendships wax and wane. They may go for years in an "exchanging Christmas cards" phase and then reignite.

Be careful about judging people on like this. It's potentially a great way of ending up with less friends

The most important thing is to get well. Look after yourself and treasure those who do ask, don't fret over those who don't. Undue fretting is unlikely to promote good health.

In reply to timjones:



I've had a friend seemingly drop out of being in contact after finding out about my Mum passing away last autumn, in saying we should get together, and then going quiet about it.

I'm putting it down to her finding it difficult, and will give her ring sometime when I feel like things have lifted to a large degree. I'm lucky that other people are there, so I'm able to be stoical about it.

In reply to timjones:

Not that it doesn't hurt a bit, but the people who really matter are there.

In reply to mypyrex:


I'd feel pretty awkward asking that of a friend. I don't think that makes me a bad person or a bad friend, just a bit awkward. You know your friends, perhaps you shouldn't judge them too harshly.


Glad to hear that.
jk

In reply to mypyrex:

Its worth remembering friends come and go during healthy parts of our life and not always for negative reasons (they may be overtaken by things themselves). Still, cherish the ones who do remain steady.

In reply to those saying don't be harsh: don't be soft. Having been through a Lymphoma, I didn't expect my mates to sit through me telling them that I puked so hard I burst the blood vessels in my eyes. I DID expect them man up and have a pint with their old mate and tell me about their perfectly normal lives. Thats what mates do, whether youre ill or not. I was the same person as I was before, i was just munching on a shit sandwich. It doesn't really help you feel positive and kick back at the illness when you're treated like a leper. So if you get in that situation, dont feel awkward, tell them about whats going on, about the routes you did at the weekend, about the damn good fried eggs you had that morning, and about tge band you're seeing next week cos THATS what we want hear about. And mypyrex, give a damn good shoeing. If you ever want to talk to a complete stranger about anything you like, drop me a line. We can work out what tshirts to print once you're done.

In reply to mike kann:

Thanks for that. Your message is appreciated and I'll be in touch by pm

In reply to mypyrex:

I'd agree with a lot of what Mike says. Some people, however, have pretty much never been able/prepared to even mention my run in with cancer. However, now that things are back to normal, our friendship has returned to what it was.

I was lucky in that most of my mates realised that I wanted to keep things as normal as possible... which is why we went out for a pub crawl the night of my first chemo session Admittedly, I only told them half way through the evening, so that they could shove me in a taxi if I looked dodgy (I ended up catching a night bus ). I still don't know what was the chemo and what the hangover from hell the next morning, it did seem to last a while though

In the end, I think you'll always find some people who don't know how to act or react. In which case, I found it easier to tell them what I needed from them and then everything was fine.

In reply to mypyrex:

Was writing on a phone so apologies for the missing words...

In reply to mypyrex:

When John Peel was asked about 'falling out' with Marc Bolan he said something about most adult friendships only lasting around two years. I think he was right.
Beyond that they come and go for good or worse, if you have friendships that last beyond that you're doing OK. If you have any close friendships at all you're doing well.

In reply to mypyrex:

Very hard topic to write about on a forum without sounding offensive and/or insensitive, so appologies if this comes off as blunt.


Yes. Lots of people and probably for various reasons, which could include (either consciously or subconsciously):
- Thinking that this change somehow changes you and their relationship to you and not really knowing how to approach that change.
- The desire to protect themselves from emotional hurt they might expect to receive if they get stay close/get closer to you and you die/become very ill.
- guilt that they are well and you are ill, especially in the absense of anything you did to deserve that illness (e.g. smoking giving you lung cancer or morbid obesity giving you diabetes).

There is a lot of evidence out there that when people have a near death experience or know that they have a limited time to live, their priorities shift considerably. Making money drops down the list and spending time with family and friends goes up the list. Did you used to see these friends a lot more before your diagnosis? Or is it just that you perceive they are not communicating because, where your desire to be with friends and family has increased, their life priorities have remained the same and previously they would also go long periods without communication?

I've got loads of people who I would refer to as friends (though maybe they wouldn't all/mostly refer to me as a friend!!) but plenty of them I don't see, talk to or hear from in a year or more. That's pretty normal for me and I wouldn't expect anyone I was friends with to take umbridge over it.

Perhaps the best course of action is to be proactive and send a text/facebook message/e-mail to each of these people. If they reply and the communication starts up, all is well and good, maybe they just were not sure what to say/where they stood when you told them about the lymphoma. If they ignore the first message then I'm afraid you probably have to accept that for whatever reason, they don't want to be friends anymore.
A single message is easily enough ignored if someone doesn't want to answer it so I would imagine that it should give you a good idea of who are still your friends.

Life is a journey but everyone is going to a different destination, some parts of your journey might be in a bus with many passengers which change at frequent intervals, some might be in a car with few passengers that stay for a long time. All one can do is offer a lift to the worthy ones and politely decline the unworthy... I can't remember what my point was going to be now...

(I assume I don't know you but if I do and have not been communicating, how about some far NW cragging in the second half of June? )

A well known climber died a few years ago. At his funeral the chapel was full to bursting with people having to stand outside. One of his climbing partners with whom he had put up quality routes, mentioned in guide books, didn't even bother to attend. Some made excuses saying that the partner has moved to Spain, but that was untrue, he was within easy reach of the chapel. My wife and I travelled 600 miles there and back to attend.

In reply to j0ntyg:

>My wife and I travelled 600 miles there and back to attend.

I would like to think that if I though enough of somebody I would do likewise; indeed I can honestly say I did so a few years ago when a climbing partner in Glasgow died. I travelled up by overnight train to arrive the morning of the funeral. I was due to do a slide show in London that evening so, being in the days of the BEA London-Glasgow shuttle, I got an afternoon flight back.

In reply to mypyrex:

I suspect it's a whole mixed bag of things including not being sure how to deal with it, but also including not wanting to talk about it as much as you do.

Some things (bereavement, major illness) are horizon-filling for those suffering them but for others there's only so many ways to say they empathise. They probably start to think "not again!" And then, realising how uncharitable that is, find it easier to stay away a little.

In reply to mypyrex:

Good on you. I hope you get to make that trip in good health!

I notice too that these circumstances even extend to close family members. My brother keeps in touch with me more now, but without being intrusive or overbearing, as do his son and daughter in law(who has a lot of compassion - she's a nurse) The one exception seems to be by niece from whom I've not heard a word since my diagnosis.

In reply to j0ntyg:

Yet you do not know why. Be greatful for those who help but try not damn or bitch about those who dont.

In reply to mypyrex:

I'm not sure what I'd want here - I suspect I wouldn't want a fuss making, and for friends to just treat me as normal?

Neil

In reply to mypyrex:

Despite what others have said, I think that when you're ill (broke, divorcing etc) you do find out who your real friends are.

A mate of mine, who's wife was ill was told by one of her friends 'It's not all about you, you know'. Meaning she had as much right to be upset as he did. She didn't, and this explains why: http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory...

The same goes for you, I think you should receive comfort and sympathy from all family, friends and acquaintances; anyone who can't do this is shallow and probably not worth the effort.

Get well soon mate.

In reply to blurty:





My feelings entirely. As I said before, nobody wants to be smothered in faux sentimentality but it takes very little to phone or email or write just to say something like "just wondered how you were getting on".

Shortly after I was diagnosed I felt I needed to tell a very old family friend; she's in her eighties and no longer physically or mentally agile. I knew that if I phoned her she would have difficulty understanding what I was trying to tell her. I solved the problem by phoning her niece - who visits her regularly. Although I have known the niece for 50 plus years we are never in regular contact and I tend only to see her if she happens to be visiting the aunt. She was very understanding and undertook to explain the situation. I thanked her and thought no more about it.

I was, to say the least, delighted when, about two weeks later, I received a letter card from the niece sending me her and her family's best wishes and hopes for a good recovery.

That meant a hell of a lot to me.

In reply to mypyrex:

It's worth acknowledging that some people have been through very dark times themselves, and to support someone else going through a similar experience can take them right back to that dark place.

In an ideal world we would all be able to support each other and share experiences. In reality, for some, its just not possible.

In reply to JMGLondon:
When my mother was declining with dementia it was a very stressful time for our family. The friends I found MOST sympathetic and understanding were those who had been through similar experiences.

I remember telling a friend that my mother's mental and physical health were declining and I'm sure that I would have used the words dementia and alzheimers. His response, and he was aware that she was 85, was "Oh I hope your mum gets better soon". How do you explain that an immobile 85 year old with severe dementia ain't going to get better? :0(

In reply to mypyrex:

We've had a similar situation recently but with family. It took several weeks for us to even tell anyone cos it was so upsetting to talk about - but they were the first to know. Not once, in the six months since, have they asked how we, or the person concerned is (could have died). I don't think it's cos they don't know go to deal with it. I think it's just they are self centred and selfish and busy getting on with their lives. They have never had to deal with tragedy or illness and have no insight.

On the other hand acquaintances have asked how things are, said they will say a prayer, light a candle etc, which has brought me to tears. (I'm not religious). They have obviously had tragedy in their lives and know what it's like.

Good health for the future.

In reply to grommet:

Yes, very familiar and thanks.

In reply to mypyrex:

When my husband was sick, it was odd, the friends who appeared and the friends who disappeared. I think the ones who took us by surprise were those with experience around difficulty and who felt they had something to offer, either practical (lifts to radiotherapy, chemo) or knew that chewing the fat was something wonderful to offer as the treatment and poor immunity made socialising somewhat difficult. There were a lot of people who I didn't realise were good friends who became good friends. Equally there were a fair number of folk I thought were close who I think kind of froze and couldn't figure out what to say or how.

In reply to mypyrex:

My dad was diagnosed with multiple myeloma last June and I share a number of work relationships with him. Once he told people about his diagnosis a lot of these work contacts came to me to ask that I pass on their regards. Even though they had his mobile number and email. At first I told them to email or call him but realised eventually that they were nervous about talking to him and didn't know what to say. Without me as a "safety valve" they wouldn't have passed on their well wishes. Another thing was some people wanted TONS of information which I thought was quite personal. But they were just trying to show they cared I think.

Now that it has been nearly a year people have mostly figured out a good middle ground of showing they cared without being overbearing, but there are definitely a different group of people that my dad considers close and some of them are a surprise to me.

I hope the treatment goes well. Apparently pomegranate juice helps with chemo side-effects, if you're into that sort of thing.