UKC

OK, at the risk of upsetting any Twitcher's and Ornithologists, I am getting seriously hacked off with birds, and their complete inability to control their feathered bowels.

Now I do realise that living on the coast, means that there are going to be plenty of seagulls, but the sheer quantity of shit that they evacuate from their bowels beggars belief.

Yesterday, I spent a couple of therapeutic hours washing the cars. When I'd finished, they were all gleaming, waxed and polished. I went inside to make a deserving cup of tea (Yorkshire of course, still the finest brew IMHO) and when I came back out to bask in my handiwork, a squadron of the little f*ckers had crapped all over them.

This follows on from yesterday, when a group of their colleagues, undoubtedly trying to emulate the Dambusters, had deposited three enormous arse explosions all over our freshly cleaned kitchen windows.

And to top it off, this morning, I was minding my own business at a set of traffic lights with the roof down, enjoying the sunshine, when I felt something warm, wet and rancid hit me in the head and neck, and another load proceed to splatter my dashboard - yep, you've guessed it, another load of bird shit.

Now whilst I am a lover of nature, I am getting to the stage where the purchase of a 2.2 Air Rifle, might well be tomorrows entertainment taken care of.

And if Bill Oddie is reading this, then if you love the flying crap machines so much, maybe you'd like to come round to my house and clean all their shit up!

Rant over?

In reply to Goucho:

You're lucky

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-cornwall-33534181

In reply to Goucho:

That's precisely why I only wash my car twice a year - at most.

In reply to Goucho:

Washing the cars??? Climbers don't do that, for god's sake. If I was a seagull I'd aim for the brightest shiniest car myself. I mean, where's the enjoyment in shitting on a dirty car?

In reply to Goucho:

You wouldn't think twice about seagulls if you had ever been in the firing line when the lead bird of a V shaped squadron of migrating geese gives the bombs away order. It's carnage and there is no way to outrun the wave of splatting poo rushing towards you.

In reply to tom_in_edinburgh:

I've had worse - ever driven under a railway bridge just at the point that someone flushes the bog (in the days when it was mostly dumped on the track)? I have. Yuck.

Neil

In reply to jon:

I like being able to see out of the windows. There comes a point when they're covered in mud and bird crap and basically opaque.

In reply to jon:


Well their enjoyment of shitting on clean cars might be short lived...

In reply to Goucho:
It'd certainly be shortlived if you bought a 2.2 air rifle - it'd be best - and safer for all concerned - if you moved the decimal point!

In reply to Goucho:


Sounds more like an anti-aircraft weapon than something for taking potshots at (legally protected) seabirds. I guess you mean .22 but would be better off with a carport or another cup of tea and a sit down.

jk

In reply to jkarran:

I think if he was firing anti-aircraft weapons (very suitable when going up again a seagull), then the birds legal status work probably be the least of his concerns.

In reply to Goucho:

I was in Windermere and saw all the fancy boats in the harbour with nice blue canopys, but there was one area where the entire boat section had bird shit all over the top of the blue canopys. Must drive the owners mad.

In reply to Goucho:

I also got hit in the car a few months ago while driving under trees. The quantity of poo was unbelievable; a massive splat of brown gravy. I had to wipe the windscreen to avoid crashing and that spread it all over the windscreen and wiper area. I stopped at the next garage and jet-washed the car.

In reply to Goucho:
http://www.jantoo.com/cartoon/67330195

In reply to Goucho:

You are not alone!
http://www.ukclimbing.com/forums/t.php?t=621392&v=1#x8101313

In reply to jon:


You're quite right jon.

I didn't mean 2.2 air rifle, I meant bolted down Bren Gun.

In reply to jkarran:



I do have a garage, but getting them from the driveway where they are washed back to the garage before they get shat on again, is where the problem is.

In reply to Goucho:

Do you need a firearms license to buy these?
Been told they are quite good

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goalkeeper_CIWS

In reply to MG:

I wonder if the 'declining numbers' takes account of the fact that they're moving away from coastal areas into 'urban cliff' environments. i.e. are the surveys counting birds in new urban environments, or just in their 'natural habitats'.

I'm pretty sure that the number of gulls in my area has increased over the years.

In reply to Goucho:
Whats wrong with everyone?

You get upset about dog shit, then cat shit and now bird shit.

Give the poor creatures a break and remember that most posts on UKC are full of shit......

In reply to Goucho:

It may be coincidence but I NEVER wash my car, and it NEVER gets shat on. Birds have a sense of humour you know

In reply to Mikkel:

Even that's 'only' about 1.2. If he wants a 2.2, the closest match is probably one of these
youtube.com/watch?v=RURZrtES9jU&
Older than the goalkeeper, so probably easier to find on the second hand market too.

In reply to Goucho:

Yorkshire tea! Anyone who drinks that horrible blend of floor sweeping and rat shit deserves to be crapped on by gulls.

In reply to Goucho:

I had a vesta curry last night and got caught short this morning on the way to Wetherspoons for breakfast.
All our local conveniences get locked up at night owing to cottaging and dogging so I had to do it on the doorstep.
It sputtered a bit and gave me a bit of discomfort until I arrived for my sausage sandwich and was able to abandon my underpants in the gents and make a token gesture to clean my buttocks and dispel the general aroma of the sewer that I was giving off.

In reply to Jack B:


Is that what they use in N. Korea for firing squads?

In reply to MG:

That's what happens when you have a dog the size of a hamster

In reply to Goucho:

I feel like I've accidentally clicked on the Daily Mail

In reply to Bulls Crack: Ha Ha ! with a name of Bulls Crack you would be an expert on bull shit I think
Bird shit ! up here they scatter bread round your car if you park in someones usual spot.

In reply to Goucho:

I was on duty on the yard during break when I noticed several pupils throwing stones at the gulls circling above. I called the boys over and started pointing out the cruel and grievous nature of their transgression, as a large gull flew over and emptied the contents of its feathery arse down the side of my face. Some of its vile issue found its way into my mouth. The same mouth that had been defending these feather-clad fiends; my words turning as bitter in my mouth as the greasy excrement of an ungrateful avian monstrosity.

It would be a lie to say that I did not consider issuing the boys with catapults the next morning.

In reply to Morty:

Of course, maybe the gulls were just retaliating against the stone-throwing. Only you were collateral damage...

In reply to captain paranoia:

Agreed. Their aim was crap though.

In reply to Morty:

Took me a while to get that one.