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My mum (Danish) said of someone diverging from the subject - "you're going off on a tandem"
Your favourites?
Your favourites?
10
In reply to iksander:
My Aunt musing the standards of millinery at Ascot a couple of years ago; "They don't seem to have nice hats anymore it's all fornicators these days".
My Aunt musing the standards of millinery at Ascot a couple of years ago; "They don't seem to have nice hats anymore it's all fornicators these days".
12
In reply to iksander:
Dave gorman had a bunch of these in his tv show recently, including "bowl in a china shop" and "right from the gecko"
Dave gorman had a bunch of these in his tv show recently, including "bowl in a china shop" and "right from the gecko"
3
In reply to iksander:
The world's your lobster.
He's back on terra nova (instead of terra firms)
My favourite though is my friend who can't remember the actual word malapropism and always mispronounces it...
The world's your lobster.
He's back on terra nova (instead of terra firms)
My favourite though is my friend who can't remember the actual word malapropism and always mispronounces it...
1
2
In reply to iksander:
'That's a lovely dildo rail' - the most bizarrely amusing I can remember hearing first hand.
'That's a lovely dildo rail' - the most bizarrely amusing I can remember hearing first hand.
8
In reply to iksander:
One used every day in the office where I worked - "take a different tact" (as opposed to "tack".
It grated on me, but as the lady concerned was a) lovely and b) fit as, I let it go .
JW
One used every day in the office where I worked - "take a different tact" (as opposed to "tack".
It grated on me, but as the lady concerned was a) lovely and b) fit as, I let it go .
JW
Post edited at 17:35
4
In reply to iksander:
I'm not stopping here to be insulated... 11 year old pupil at school
I want a full infantry of all unused exercise books by the end of the week....33 yr old head of History at same school.
PBI !
I'm not stopping here to be insulated... 11 year old pupil at school
I want a full infantry of all unused exercise books by the end of the week....33 yr old head of History at same school.
PBI !
Post edited at 19:13
4
10
In reply to iksander:
A couple of favourites
Homoerotic medicine (interchangeable, a group of honed men with their shirts off could be described as homeopathic)
Vegetablesbianism
A couple of favourites
Homoerotic medicine (interchangeable, a group of honed men with their shirts off could be described as homeopathic)
Vegetablesbianism
1
In reply to iksander:
Not quite malapropisms, but in the same vein (vain?)
"When I want your opinion I'll give it to you"
"Stop talking while I'm interrupting"
Dave
Not quite malapropisms, but in the same vein (vain?)
"When I want your opinion I'll give it to you"
"Stop talking while I'm interrupting"
Dave
In reply to iksander:
The grandmother of an ex of mine came up with a great one while commenting about rumours someone's sexuality.
" a friend said that she thinks X is a lesbian, I told her she can't be, she doesn't even go to church"
The grandmother of an ex of mine came up with a great one while commenting about rumours someone's sexuality.
" a friend said that she thinks X is a lesbian, I told her she can't be, she doesn't even go to church"
1
In reply to iksander:
Some good ones, great thread
My ex Lucie was/is from the Czech Republic and had a whole raft of fantastic malapropisms, here are two of my favourites...
If I was doing something too vigorously or clumsily I was accused of being like a 'Bull in a china house'!
Once, when we were having a heated dispute with the neighbours she said to Mrs Neighbour, "Shut your mouth or you'll get more than you're barking for" which had me almost collapsing with mirth!
Some good ones, great thread
My ex Lucie was/is from the Czech Republic and had a whole raft of fantastic malapropisms, here are two of my favourites...
If I was doing something too vigorously or clumsily I was accused of being like a 'Bull in a china house'!
Once, when we were having a heated dispute with the neighbours she said to Mrs Neighbour, "Shut your mouth or you'll get more than you're barking for" which had me almost collapsing with mirth!
Post edited at 22:34
1
In reply to iksander:
On discussing painting and decorating with an elderly lady, she told me that she:-
' liked using that Durex paint'.
P.S.
two quick Yorkshire sayings for Tom V
'best chalk f*** on that' and
'you can't educate pork'.
On discussing painting and decorating with an elderly lady, she told me that she:-
' liked using that Durex paint'.
P.S.
two quick Yorkshire sayings for Tom V
'best chalk f*** on that' and
'you can't educate pork'.
1
In reply to Tony Hirst:
First time I heard the "chalk f*ck" on it expression, it was you saying it.
But can you tell me which crag we were on?
First time I heard the "chalk f*ck" on it expression, it was you saying it.
But can you tell me which crag we were on?
3
2
In reply to iksander:
Two from my late mother in law; "Going to the hairdressers for a cut and blowjob"
" Can you get me some radioactive sunglasses?"
Two from my late mother in law; "Going to the hairdressers for a cut and blowjob"
" Can you get me some radioactive sunglasses?"
Post edited at 19:33
1
In reply to iksander:
Actually, my youngest has always had a bit of a tendency to say not-quite-right words.
My favourites have been "battlesnake", and the time she came home from nursery around Christmas, singing "away in a manger, no crab for a bed".
There have been loads more, but I suddenly find I can't remember them.
Actually, my youngest has always had a bit of a tendency to say not-quite-right words.
My favourites have been "battlesnake", and the time she came home from nursery around Christmas, singing "away in a manger, no crab for a bed".
There have been loads more, but I suddenly find I can't remember them.
In reply to iksander:
My wife's uncle used to have problems with his prostrate
And a former colleague used to frequently refer to his erstwhile friend
My wife's uncle used to have problems with his prostrate
And a former colleague used to frequently refer to his erstwhile friend
In reply to iksander:
Me gran used to say when I was young, that the Dr had put her on anti batics. I asked my mum who anti batics was.
Me gran used to say when I was young, that the Dr had put her on anti batics. I asked my mum who anti batics was.
In reply to toad:
That sounds fine to me.
> And a former colleague used to frequently refer to his erstwhile friend
That sounds fine to me.
3
In reply to iksander:
There's a tendency for estate agents here in NZ to describe properties as "sort after". Because no one pronounces Rs, I'm never sure if they mean 'sought' and it's just a mistake, or they actually think it is "sort": They're that good, just buy it any everything else will be sorted out afterwards?
There's a tendency for estate agents here in NZ to describe properties as "sort after". Because no one pronounces Rs, I'm never sure if they mean 'sought' and it's just a mistake, or they actually think it is "sort": They're that good, just buy it any everything else will be sorted out afterwards?
In reply to Helen R:
You see it on ebay a lot.
They mean "Sought", but just get it wrong.
Another one you see on ebay a lot, for no clear reason, is "As a posed to", instead of "As opposed to".
You see it on ebay a lot.
They mean "Sought", but just get it wrong.
Another one you see on ebay a lot, for no clear reason, is "As a posed to", instead of "As opposed to".
In reply to Chris Harris:
The Welsh bloke on Gogglebox just described a skinny polar bear as emancipated.
The Welsh bloke on Gogglebox just described a skinny polar bear as emancipated.
3
In reply to toad:
And assuming s(he) meant "former", what's the issue?
JW
> And a former colleague used to frequently refer to his erstwhile friend
And assuming s(he) meant "former", what's the issue?
JW
In reply to iksander:
We're caught between a rock and a stone.
It's got more holes than a goldfish bowl.
We're caught between a rock and a stone.
It's got more holes than a goldfish bowl.
2
In reply to iksander:
not exactly malapropism, but am a fan of the Rev. Spooner, who would juxtapose two words in a single sentence to great effect. Being a clergyman he once gave a sermon describing Jesus our lord as "a shoving leopard". Also a cambridge don, once dismissed an undergraduate, ordering him to leave on the "Town Drain" for poor performance, including having "hissed my mystery lessons".
Positively surreal.
not exactly malapropism, but am a fan of the Rev. Spooner, who would juxtapose two words in a single sentence to great effect. Being a clergyman he once gave a sermon describing Jesus our lord as "a shoving leopard". Also a cambridge don, once dismissed an undergraduate, ordering him to leave on the "Town Drain" for poor performance, including having "hissed my mystery lessons".
Positively surreal.
In reply to Removed Userena sharples:
And of course the ubiquitous loyal toast to "the queer old Dean".
And of course the ubiquitous loyal toast to "the queer old Dean".
In reply to iksander:
Have never gotten over the disappointment of the day my Mam bought me a creamium bond and it turned out to be a tasteless pieces of paper.
Still hasn't payed out either!
Have never gotten over the disappointment of the day my Mam bought me a creamium bond and it turned out to be a tasteless pieces of paper.
Still hasn't payed out either!
1
In reply to iksander:
When I was teaching a child once wrote "plankton are little orgasms that live in the sea".
Another favourite, though not strictly a malapropism, was "men passed water in buckets to put out the fire of London".
Then there was "are you making insinuendos?" Somehow seems better than either innuendo or insinuation.
When I was teaching a child once wrote "plankton are little orgasms that live in the sea".
Another favourite, though not strictly a malapropism, was "men passed water in buckets to put out the fire of London".
Then there was "are you making insinuendos?" Somehow seems better than either innuendo or insinuation.
Post edited at 17:29
1
In reply to iksander:
My wife's Uncle was a master of the malapropism. Unfortunately the only ones I can remember at the moment are when he told us about seeing a display of knights on horseback "jostling" and when he described some wall paintings as "Muriels".
I shall have to retreat to my inner scrotum and see if I can recall any more of his gems.
My wife's Uncle was a master of the malapropism. Unfortunately the only ones I can remember at the moment are when he told us about seeing a display of knights on horseback "jostling" and when he described some wall paintings as "Muriels".
I shall have to retreat to my inner scrotum and see if I can recall any more of his gems.
1
In reply to iksander:
aaaaah, this thread is the best!!! I can't stop guffawing! Can you 'like' a whole thread?
aaaaah, this thread is the best!!! I can't stop guffawing! Can you 'like' a whole thread?
1
In reply to iksander:
My mother-in-law bought herself some gaiters for walking but when we're off for a walk in iffy weather she always asks "Will I need my garters?"
Unlikely to make much difference I'd have thought.
My mother-in-law bought herself some gaiters for walking but when we're off for a walk in iffy weather she always asks "Will I need my garters?"
Unlikely to make much difference I'd have thought.
In reply to iksander:
My stepfather is another master of the malapropism, having ordered defecated coffee in a cafe, and professing to dislike futons in his soup. When my grandfather died he marvelled at the number of symphony cards we received.
But my favourite was when I came home one evening to find him watching a European football match. When I asked who was playing I was told, quite seriously, that it was Brian Munich against Electrical Madrid. I can't think of those teams by any other name now.
My stepfather is another master of the malapropism, having ordered defecated coffee in a cafe, and professing to dislike futons in his soup. When my grandfather died he marvelled at the number of symphony cards we received.
But my favourite was when I came home one evening to find him watching a European football match. When I asked who was playing I was told, quite seriously, that it was Brian Munich against Electrical Madrid. I can't think of those teams by any other name now.
3
In reply to Alyson:
Back in the days when nebulisers were de rigeur for chest complaints, I had a patient's husband come in to clinic with her and say "She's had that Nippleizer for a year now Doc, and her chest's just as bad as ever". Not sure quite what he was expecting...
Medical stuff is always more complex but there's a certain joy to people taking a simpler word and making it more complicated. Barium is still used in all sorts of X-ray procedures, and I still struggle to hold it together when someone tells me they are booked in for a Bavarian Swallow or a Bavarian Enema (presumably involves beer and some sort of sausage). And they never bat an eyelid when I suggest it isn't the wurst that could happen.
b
Back in the days when nebulisers were de rigeur for chest complaints, I had a patient's husband come in to clinic with her and say "She's had that Nippleizer for a year now Doc, and her chest's just as bad as ever". Not sure quite what he was expecting...
Medical stuff is always more complex but there's a certain joy to people taking a simpler word and making it more complicated. Barium is still used in all sorts of X-ray procedures, and I still struggle to hold it together when someone tells me they are booked in for a Bavarian Swallow or a Bavarian Enema (presumably involves beer and some sort of sausage). And they never bat an eyelid when I suggest it isn't the wurst that could happen.
b
8
In reply to iksander:
In our household, 'profiteroles' are invariably known as 'my feet are colds' after the youngest member of the family, struggling to make herself understood by the oldest member of the family when taking requests for desert came up with, "Read my lips, Grandad, My feet are colds". We've no idea where she got the first part of that from at her age either.
In our household, 'profiteroles' are invariably known as 'my feet are colds' after the youngest member of the family, struggling to make herself understood by the oldest member of the family when taking requests for desert came up with, "Read my lips, Grandad, My feet are colds". We've no idea where she got the first part of that from at her age either.
2
In reply to pec:
My wife says Muriels too! Now I think about it, she has a few good ones...
We regularly take the train to St. Pancreas station.
When she gets a cold, she has trouble with her Euston station tubes.
My wife says Muriels too! Now I think about it, she has a few good ones...
We regularly take the train to St. Pancreas station.
When she gets a cold, she has trouble with her Euston station tubes.
In reply to Hooo:
Our neighbour happily told us he was going to paint his house mongolia. The result was more disappointing than many of the possibilities...
I hear an awful lot of 'pacifically' instead of 'specifically', which just makes me cringe.
b
Our neighbour happily told us he was going to paint his house mongolia. The result was more disappointing than many of the possibilities...
I hear an awful lot of 'pacifically' instead of 'specifically', which just makes me cringe.
b
In reply to ben
A common one round here is "on a purpose" instead of "on purpose", which is equally irksome.
JW
> I hear an awful lot of 'pacifically' instead of 'specifically', which just makes me cringe.
A common one round here is "on a purpose" instead of "on purpose", which is equally irksome.
JW
In reply to ben b:
My last neighbour seemed to have a problem with trees. And birds. And animals actually. Anyway, he told us he thought we should cut back the popular trees behind our fence. It took me a while to work out he meant poplar, not least because they were silver birch.
My last neighbour seemed to have a problem with trees. And birds. And animals actually. Anyway, he told us he thought we should cut back the popular trees behind our fence. It took me a while to work out he meant poplar, not least because they were silver birch.
1
In reply to iksander:
A friend uses 'generally' in place of 'genuinely'and 'Pacific' instead of 'specific'.
Drives me menthol but I haven't the hearth to tell him he sounds like an idiom.
A friend uses 'generally' in place of 'genuinely'and 'Pacific' instead of 'specific'.
Drives me menthol but I haven't the hearth to tell him he sounds like an idiom.
1
In reply to iksander:
My gran used to make occasional reference to Kermit in the 'Muffats Show'.
And a young child writing in the school magazine about the perils of smoking cigarettes '...so you don't get Lancaster.'
My gran used to make occasional reference to Kermit in the 'Muffats Show'.
And a young child writing in the school magazine about the perils of smoking cigarettes '...so you don't get Lancaster.'
1
In reply to iksander:
I've heard of someone buying syphilis & cumshots from what was presumably the more exotic end of the fruit aisle in Waitrose....
I've heard of someone buying syphilis & cumshots from what was presumably the more exotic end of the fruit aisle in Waitrose....
2
In reply to iksander:
The Groom, thanking the brides parents for the gift of the 'Perky Little Copulator' ...to make fresh coffee with....
The Groom, thanking the brides parents for the gift of the 'Perky Little Copulator' ...to make fresh coffee with....
In reply to iksander:
My girlfriend called me her brother's name once and referred to is as a 'fraudulent slip'
My boss asks for expresso coffee (wanker)
Amongst my mates carabiners are called Kawabungas after one of them made the mistake on his first ever climbing trip.
My girlfriend, again, rather inappropriately thought Auschwitz was called 'ouch-vitz' . . . !
My girlfriend called me her brother's name once and referred to is as a 'fraudulent slip'
My boss asks for expresso coffee (wanker)
Amongst my mates carabiners are called Kawabungas after one of them made the mistake on his first ever climbing trip.
My girlfriend, again, rather inappropriately thought Auschwitz was called 'ouch-vitz' . . . !
In reply to edunn:
A friend at work was having a nightmare finding a machine part online when he said "I'm not joking they're like donkey shit!"
Apologies to all rockin' horses.
A friend at work was having a nightmare finding a machine part online when he said "I'm not joking they're like donkey shit!"
Apologies to all rockin' horses.
1
In reply to Chris Harris:
Another one you see on eBay is "rare", which means there's at least 10 for sale starting at 99p.
My sister, when little, wanted to watch the "cigarettes", when she meant the majorettes, and visit the "ups and downs" when she meant the "Epsom Downs". Not forgetting the "Polarghost" instead of poltergeist.
My Dad has a number of intentional ones , such as "persuader" when he means "hammer" - many of them are intended to babble Mum.
My Mum, on the other hand, has so many unintentional ones, she practically has a language of her own!
My Mother-in-Law once called our Bugaboo pushchair the Boogaloo.
> They mean "Sought", but just get it wrong.
> Another one you see on ebay a lot, for no clear reason, is "As a posed to", instead of "As opposed to".
Another one you see on eBay is "rare", which means there's at least 10 for sale starting at 99p.
My sister, when little, wanted to watch the "cigarettes", when she meant the majorettes, and visit the "ups and downs" when she meant the "Epsom Downs". Not forgetting the "Polarghost" instead of poltergeist.
My Dad has a number of intentional ones , such as "persuader" when he means "hammer" - many of them are intended to babble Mum.
My Mum, on the other hand, has so many unintentional ones, she practically has a language of her own!
My Mother-in-Law once called our Bugaboo pushchair the Boogaloo.
Post edited at 16:32
In reply to Tom Valentine:
Have a guess at Beeston Tor.
Saw your photo of Wharncliffe the other week. Assume you are back on the crag.
I have moved up to Harrogate so if you come up this way let me know.
Have a guess at Beeston Tor.
Saw your photo of Wharncliffe the other week. Assume you are back on the crag.
I have moved up to Harrogate so if you come up this way let me know.
In reply to Fraser:
Talking of Kermit, my German brother in law once offered us "tea and toasted muppets"
Talking of Kermit, my German brother in law once offered us "tea and toasted muppets"
Post edited at 16:11
1
In reply to iksander:
My ex brother-in-law used to struggle with the phrase "put the mockers on" (admittedly one that I don't hear much these days anyway). But we always enjoyed him flouncing off saying that we "had put the knockers on" whatever hare-brained scheme he had come up with that week. A lovely mental image...
b
My ex brother-in-law used to struggle with the phrase "put the mockers on" (admittedly one that I don't hear much these days anyway). But we always enjoyed him flouncing off saying that we "had put the knockers on" whatever hare-brained scheme he had come up with that week. A lovely mental image...
b
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