UKC

I'm looking for resources on managing children's behaviour using positive language, my post Xmas brain must be puddled as I'm struggling a little.

Does anybody have any useful links and sources they can share?

Thanks,
Tim

In reply to Timmd:

I did happen upon a lady on Radio 4 the other week (a people coach), who talked about positive parenting...about never using the word 'no' to children.

Either wildly progressive, or seriously demented. I'l try and recall some details and post a link...

In reply to Timmd:

Think her name might be Bea Marshall, but iPlayer is acting up a bit at the moment.

In reply to ThunderCat:
What I'm after is stuff that's more about (as far as possible) instructing children about why what they're doing isn't a good idea/good thing and directing them towards a positive alternative, or not, if there isn't one.

I guess 'no' can be part of that if one says why. It's about getting away from labelling children as 'bad' and 'naughty'.

In reply to Timmd:



I can 'kind' of see the logic in what this woman was saying (which is why I think it chimes a bit with what you're looking for". An outright "NO" doesn't tell the kid why it's wrong (whatever 'it' happens to be).

Letting them discover things for themselves, discuss the possible outcomes, think about the effects on themselves and on other people etc, and then let them decide for themselves that their actions are not good...blah blah blah.

But then again, just because it sounds good in practice.....

Have a listen if you can get a working link.

In reply to ThunderCat:

So long as one has the time to parent like that, it seems like a great way of bringing children up to be able to think things through and become self aware.

In reply to ThunderCat:

It's been found to be quite helpful in Scandinavian 'Forest School' setting, which is being increasingly adopted in the UK as a way of educating children, so it's less about squashing children into a grid and more about allowing them to develop.

In reply to Timmd:

Oh listen I'm not saying it's right or wrong. It would be flawless if kids were rational, thoughtful beings rather than little bags of energetic impulse!

I don't know, it just rang a bell when i read your post and I thought was a good starting point for a conversation. I'm sure it'll be yelled down as hippy madness in a few posts...

Then again I still recall a scene from my local inner city shopping precinct a couple of years ago (Wythenshawe civic centre, if anyone is aware of it?) - little kiddy finishes a packet of crisps, goes to put the empty packet in the bin, and then gets screamed at by her mum who says "Get aweh from that F*CKIN' BIN! ITS MANKY! JUST THROW PACKET ON FU*KIN FLOOR".

real event that. The inkling of a child with a bit of civic responsiblity, quashed by a morally retarded parent.

Quality parenting eh?..compared the that, anything is a bonus

In reply to Timmd:

Look up any of Peter hooks work

In reply to Timmd:

You will find all sorts of advice, experts and approaches to positive parenting. I'd advise caution with all of them....the key is in your relationship with the child, being consistent, predictable and not totally losing it with them!
The trouble with learning stuff like this is that it can take away from natural spontaneous communication. Saying 'no' is fine, children don't always need to know why, there's a time and place to just do what you say and there is plenty of security in that.
I heard a bloke saying "please don't hit daddy" in tesco the other week when his little kid was hitting him continually....he hD no authority over the child but sounded like he'd learned a script from a book. Just do what comes natural!

In reply to abr1966:

I'm after stuff that's approaching things from an educational angle rather than a parenting one.

In reply to Timmd:


Try googling Thrive...the Thrive approach.
Cheers

In reply to Timmd
http://headguruteacher.com/2013/01/06/behaviour-management-a-bill-rogers-to...

Tell them what you want them to do, not what you don't.
Praise good behaviour. Avoid giving lots of attention to bad behaviour

Most issues happen when changing activities. Manage this carefully. Use 5 minute and 2minute warnings so everyone knows that there will be a change and when

https://www.responsiveclassroom.org/article/teaching-transitions

Montessori talks about precise use of language
http://montessoritraining.blogspot.co.uk/2007/06/montessori-classroom-descr...


http://www.montessorianswers.com/conflicts-and-behavior.html

In reply to abr1966:

I feel sorry for kids who don't have boundaries. It doesn't do them any good.

In reply to ThunderCat:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-south-yorkshire-16217453
http://www.closeronline.co.uk/2014/03/i-let-my-young-sons-swear-at-me

Taken the idea and gone way too far with it.

In reply to marsbar:

"I don’t believe in setting boundaries. I’m happy for them to occasionally watch TV all night, eat ice cream for breakfast and I let my children swear because they're only expressing their emotions. Jos shouted, ‘f*** you’ at me the other day because he was angry that I wouldn't help him find a toy. But i'm proud he feels he can express himself. "

The trouble is that these kids are then sent to school.

In reply to Big Ger:

It's not good. Meanwhile schools are under pressure not to exclude kids. So the rest of them have to put up with this.

In reply to marsbar:

It does seem a bit far.

In reply to Timmd:
I really recommend - How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. This was brilliant not only for me but my lad who would often hear parents talking to their children and his comment would be "they need that book Mum." Well set out with story line cartoons which attracted my lads attention too. Helped me talking with him and communicating generally.

https://wordery.com/how-to-talk-so-kids-will-listen-and-listen-so-kids-will...

M

In reply to marsbar:
I only mean a 'bit' far, though, time will tell & her children might turn out fine.

In reply to Timmd:

I like to use affirmative language in my parenting. "Talk to me like that again and I WILL kick your arse!"

In reply to marsbar:

Blimey. Might have to remember that name and would be interested to see the outcome in about ten years time. Interaction with other kids must be a bleedin' nightmare.

In reply to mark hounslea:


Play unknown pleasures until they behave ?

In reply to Timmd:
Be consistent (very important) and treat them with equal respect as a human being. They will then learn to do the same. It's not that tricky! Gets messy when autism and adhd are involved though.

In reply to gribble:
On an instinctive level I know it isn't tricky and seem to be able to relate to children okay, but I'm after sources which allow me to be able waffle about it for a side of A4 and site a couple of people as sources/references.

There's knowing what you know, and being able to intellectualise what you know to put it into words, and having people you can site to validate what you're saying you know. Just let me get on with things goddamit...not long to go now I hope.

In reply to gribble:

The good news is that once you work out what works for autism/ADHD those things work for other kids too.

In reply to Timmd:

I think it's cite not site?

Bill Rodgers is someone I would mention and read.

In reply to marsbar:

You're right, it is.

In reply to Timmd:



Isn't the issue about differences in expressing the same thing rather than avoiding "no"?
"Be careful - don't spill the juice" vs "That's good, you're holding the cup nice and steady"?

In reply to JJL:
That's also important, yes.

In reply to Timmd:

The Incredible Years book is absolutely fantastic. It's by Carolyn Webster-Stratton. The programme is used throughout the UK and US to help support parents as well as this standalone book. I'm a Clinical Psychologist and whilst I don't work with children anymore, both myself and my colleagues who do work with children with challenging or difficult to manage behaviour, would still say that Incredible Years is a great resource. The book is for kids up to about 8 years old, but it could be adapted for older children (there is a lot of focus on emotional development and regulation and the positive use of play so it may not all be relevant for an older child who may have those skills already). There's lots of tips for what type of language to use with your child as it is a programme that focuses on praise and positive engagement with the child.

In reply to nic_nac_doodle:
Great, I'll order it now and see if it arrives in time to put anything in my portfolio.

Thanks all, very helpful. Keep them coming.

In reply to Timmd:

We found Steve Biddulph's books very helpful. http://www.stevebiddulph.com/Site_1/Home.html