UKC

1.What do you call a Chav in a box?

Innit.

2. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?

Sorted.

3. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?

Safe.

4. What do you call an Eskimo Chav?

Innuinnit.

5. Why are Chavs like slinkies?

They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?

The bride.

7. If you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?

It might be your bike.

8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?

One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?

"What you lookin' at?"

10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?

Paint three stripes on it.

11. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?

The police.

12. Where do you take a Chavette for a decent night out?

Up the gary!

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A chav walks into the local job centre, marches straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".

The man behind the counter replies "Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year".

The chav says "You're having me on!"

The man behind the counter says "Well you started it!"

In reply to Matt Wilson:

Quality!

In reply to Matt Wilson:

Fantastic!

In reply to Matt Wilson:

great!

In reply to Matt Wilson: Ha ha!

Q. What do you call 100 chavs chained together at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.

Q. How do you know ET's a chav?
A. Because he looks it.

In reply to Tom Fuller:

A housing officer is helping a chav fill in a form and asks for the name of her children. "hum Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne". The housing officer questions the practicalities of calling all your children by the same name. The chav replies "It's great. If I want them to come in I just have to shout Wayne, your tea's ready and they all come together". The housing officer says "yes, I see, but what if you only wanted to speak to one of them". "easy, I call him by his surname"

In reply to Matt Wilson: Given the extreme sensitivity of people on this forum to being made the subject of 'sweeping generalisations', how come week in week out the many of the same sensitive souls post threads devoted to taking the piss out of 'chavs'ie people who live on council estates. Or are sweeping generalisations only lazy and offensive when applied to middle class people?

In reply to Vertically_Challenged: Good point. Perhaps this little dichotomy can be resolved by careful circumlocution. In future, we would best refer to Burberry-wearing, Nova-driving, bassy R&B-luvving cheeky-chap vermin as "some, but obviously not all, perish the thought, chavs". There - sorted.

In reply to philyerboots:

Or just plain scum

In reply to the sheep: Now now... Let's look at the positive role of the Ned in society. He creates jobs, you know. At A&E Departments, Housing Offices, South-East Asian sportswear forgery workshops, the Ripspeed division of Halfords. Oh, and Burberry, naturally. And let's face it, there is plenty of scum elsewhere in the social fabric. The House of Commons, for instance...

In reply to philyerboots:
Fair point, and where would mcdonalds be without a crowd of them hanging around outside to entice in other gourmets.

In reply to the sheep: True. In fact, KFC survives on their custom, at least it does in South Sheffield. They hang out in front of Woodseats Library first, working up an appetite by smoking weed. When the munchies kick in they simply have to slouch 50 yards to the Nirvana of the Colonel's place. As a result they may look rodent-like, but are generally benign and harmless here.

In a piece of locational genius the local auto-bling shop, Custom FX, is placed just opposite so they can eat, smoke and buy outsize alloys in one golden triangle of satisfaction. Bless their little cotton/polyesters.

In reply to the sheep: Thinking along another track, is there a McD's in the palace of Westminster yet? If not, exactly how does Alan Milburn get nutrients? I think we should be told.

Tangentially, my mate Dave had to photograph Tony Banks the other day at the House. He's an inveterate klepto (Dave, that is. Dunno about Banksy) and always comes back with a souvenir from an interesting place. So this time his prize wasn't Black Rod's hat, a cushion from the front bench, Ann Widdecombe's pubes or even a stick-on smile or last shred of integrity casually discarded by President Blair. It was 35 House of Commons sugar sachets, assorted brown and white. The muppet.