UKC

So it seems we've finally ran out of time with me mam. The third round of chemo had to be paused because of a leg wound caused by a fall and the subsequent infection, and that's allowed the cancer to spread like wildfire. It's now everywhere. 

So I'm currently at her bedside in a side ward , and she's doped up to her tits on morphine (or the modern equivalent) and I'm just watching her breathe and waiting for it to stop which they say might be quite soon (*) 

Feeling a mixture of crushing sadness plus (weirdly) happiness at the fact she's not in pain, and also because a lot of estranged and distant family members have been around for the past few days to share joyful memories, hugs, and alcohol. Got to take a positive from even the cackest situation. 

There's been a lot of advice and support on this over the past year or two. It's been amazing. 

This isn't a post seeking condolences or sympathy. It's a kick in the arse for anyone of you lucky enough to still have your mams around... Go and take them out for the day, or send them flowers, have a cup of tea with them, or remind them you love them.

(*) but being the archetypal tough northern woman, she'll drag it out.

Edited to point out that from day one, every single NHS healthcare professional that has been involved with her has been amazing and faultless. Without exception 

The mixture of sadness and happiness / relief can be difficult to rationalise. I had the same when my mum was dying with dementia and struggled a bit to handle the crazy mixture of emotions. Those happy family memories are really important and I'm glad you're getting them.

I hope she dies peacefully x

I didn't get a similar opportunity with my mam, as she passed unexpectedly one night. But I definitely got to see my dad through the whole process until he was so morphined up he surely wasn't aware of much. It really helped to know that he had reconciled himself to passing and was ok with that. And I was really glad I could be with him until very close to the end.

I am currently looking after my Dad, whilst Mum is in hospital, hopefully recovering from a close call. It has been emotional, and sometimes very trying, but at least I have got to say important things to both of them.

Wishing you peace.

It is a sad situation to be in. Dad died last year but we had a last hurrah with him when he was on palative care. He couldn't operate his phone any more (not enough coordination to press the right buttons) so I did the ringing up and he did the speaking. Invited his friends and us to his room in the care home for an evenings drink. We brought round glasses beer and whisky and had a proper get together. I went to put the water thickener in his whisky (as he was having trouble swallowing) and he said "You can keep that sh*t out of it! I gave it to him neat and he enjoyed it.

A week later he died. We stayed with him during his last days. Read to him, played music, shaved him etc.

Thoughts and sentiments with you....

I hope this last part is something to hold on to and she may be not consciously with you but at some level she'll know you are there...

Try and get some sleep when you can and remember to eat and drink, all the best to you and your loved ones...

The final bit's not fun, but think of it as a privilege to be there at a loved one's passing; definitely better for you to be there than not.

Wishing you strength for the coming hours and days.

It took the death of my Dad, from cancer, to make me realise my Mum wouldn't always be around.

I wish your Mam a peaceful passing.

It is an immense privilege and I'm crying remembering holding my granny's hand and being the last voice she heard as she finally slipped away.

Unfortunately we were advised it could take hours or days at the end. With a family of five we agreed to take turns so that there was always someone with her, don't feel guilty if its not you holding her hand. You need to rest as well and it's good to give everyone time alone with her for their final thoughts/words.

I had the same experience with my wife a few years ago. At home and my son and daughter were there too, (both in their 30s).

At first it was awkward silence, then someone suggested we talk about holidays, and we did, and we went onto many other subjects that would hold memories for my wife.
3 continuous days and nights we talked. I'm pretty sure she could hear us, I hope so, and it was the best thing we could have done for ourselves.

Had the same situation with my mum just over a month ago. It is a total emotional rollercoaster and can empathise with the crushing sadness plus an almost weird sense of relief. 

For us it all happened much faster than expected, we went away for a planned week with no hint anything was wrong other than the ongoing cancer treatment and came back to her having been admitted to hospital. We managed to visit for an afternoon when she was still fairly with it, we shared some holiday snaps + memories and then we were (in a typical mum way), told to head back and make sure my Dad had dinner etc. By the next morning, she was no longer conscious, as others have described, we spent the day with her and chatted as felt like the right thing to do. In the evening we headed home to rescue our dog from some very kind friends and try and sort a few things out. She actually passed away not long after we left with just my Dad there. In some ways I feel bad we weren't there but in others, it feels like the way she would have wanted it, very private with just my Dad.

I guess if there is a point to sharing my experience it is to say, it is super tuff, be kind to yourself and don't feel guilty about the feeling of relief.

Well said about the feeling of relief. When my dad died the worry was over and I hadn't realised how stressed I'd been.

Life is incredible precious and I don't want to take this thread off topic, but I think most of us wouldn't see our pets slowly wasting away in the way we have parents/grandparents at the very end. 

The relief isn't just for ourselves but also that their suffering is over and that the spirit can go free (or whatever your beliefs after death are). It's totally natural and not something to feel guilty over, currently you all (incl mum) are in a horrid limbo that none of us would want for ourselves or our loved ones.

Talk to her, laugh and reminisce about the good times. It's great that more distant family have been able to visit and you will be able to have happy memories of these last few precious weeks.

She passed about 3pm. Very peacefully, even higher on those opiates than she was last night.

Surrounded by her family. What a great end to a lovely woman's life. 

Off to sit amongst that same circle of friends and talk about our memories.

Shell shocked isn't the word. This might take a while to process. 

I hope you've all been in touch with your mums... 

My condolences to you and your family.

In Judaism, after the quick as possible burial, the first most strict period of mourning lasts a week, and the immediate mourners (parents, spouse, siblings, kids) are not meant to do anything except basically receive visitors. What you end up with sometimes is not unlike a huge family & friends gathering just with someone important missing. So although it's overall a sad occasion, it's not without its moments of fun and joy.

So don't feel guilty if you're not down 100% of the time, try and remember and talk about the fun times with your mum. Others may tell you about occasions that you had no idea about. And remember that there are no rules to how you should feel grief.

Sounds about as good as it could possibly have been TC.

It'll take a very long time to process, and it isn't at all a straight road - lots of twists and turns and ups and downs.  Take it steady fella.

Condolences, and thinking of you. 

I'm so sorry for your loss, and relieved that it was peaceful.

It sounds really banal, but your mum is one of the only people who's been there for you for your entire life, so the loss is massive. I'm glad you're sharing your memories, don't be afraid to smile and laugh.

This thread has provided a community solidarity for everyone who's lost a parent or is seeing a parent through their final days. I've smiled at stuff I've read here, and shed a tear as your experiences aligned with mine. Thanks everyone.

Hey you.  You did a good job.  

I think people can have a surprising amount of agency at the end. When my dad was dying of cancer, he hung on, sedated and unconscious, until my partner had got out of work and we'd driven 3 hours up to West Cumbria. I arrived, went straight to his bedside to say goodbye and tell him I loved him and a couple of minutes later he was gone. We'd spoken a few days before and I said I wanted to be there with him and I sincerely believe that he waited for me.

Agree on the relief thing. In some ways it's the only benefit from the awfulness of cancer - he suffered so much that by the end I was just glad it was over. Though at least the diagnosis gave me the chance to spend a lot of time with him in that final year, something I'd have bitterly regretted if I hadn't been able to as we'd grown quite distant until then. Not estranged or anything, just both busy and living a fair way away from each other and you always think you've got time, don't you?

Condolences on your loss. 

I’m sorry to hear this. 
I wrote this while watching my mum die a few years ago. I hope it helps empathise with the weird double-sided feelings. 
 

Your screams

Similar to the noise with which

I was pulled into the world

Are weary now

What would your Mum say?

Would she want you to scream louder?

Defiant and deliberately cheating death with each breath

This struggle in the medic net

Has all but my heart.

I love you, Mum,

But if you could suffer some more

You may drag spirit to your side

If you could only scream louder

But you cannot.

I love you , Mum,

But if you could stop suffering

You may Assemble guardians of peace

Around the parapet of your bleeping machines.

This, like much of my life is in your hands now.

Another bleep, the volume and weight of expectant death

And calm.

Beyond all measure of peace

All sense of struggle dispersed among your waiting family

Sorry for your loss mate....you were there....it's all you could have done! Don't expect too much of yourself or others for a while, grief and loss takes many forms.... everyone will be different and some feel it straight away, others later...

Best wishes...

My deepest condolences. Nothing to add really, because it is such a private matter. Now you have to concentrate on the good times, the good memories.

You did a great job! Please do take great care of yourself - grief is a long process.

I was in exactly the same situation with my own Mum in September, she has left a massive void in my life now she is gone. Thoughts with you and the family.

My condolences.

Hi TC, I’m late to this one, but while I’m sad to hear about your Mum’s death and to see the story end this way, I’m glad to see it was peaceful and well managed. It comes sooner or later, one way or the other. All we can do is ride the horse as best we can. Well done, take your time, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, you don’t have to not do anything you do want to. It’s very personal. All the best. Mike

Hope your ok,sorry to hear about your mother.

Condolences