Last Great Chimney on Ben Nevis, Font WI 10 X

© Jinglestop, Gaz, Wife, Turnipmaker
the Know-How
Last month brought you EXCLUSIVE reportage: words, images and video of THE KNOW-HOW” XXII 17 on Ben McNaughty climbed by Chamonix based toolers Nick Keegan, Esmeralda and LL Cool J (For the report click here). One commentator who now wants to remain anonymous said about the Know-How:

"Once in a while in sport, the bar is significantly raised. These events are rare, but this is such a moment."

The Know-How got a fast repeat by a raiding Scottish team consisting of Guy God, Doctor Doolittle and English boy Ian Haribo. They confirmed the overall quality of the route but said the grade was way out.

However, standards don't stay still for long these days and it seems the bar (and the glass) has been raised again in World Winter Climbing. brings you another exclusive report of a significant winter ascent

Last Great Chimney on Ben Nevis, Font WI 10 X

Stevie Wonder in action.
© Jinglestop, Gaz, Wife, Turnipmaker
News just in of another scintillating ascent lower down the Ben. Helped by once in a lifetime conditions, this route is a stunning example of the Best the West has to offer with a tenuous traverse gaining the striking chimney line, all on vertical quarter-inch thick ice.

Check out the amazing video footage....below.

First the account:

First Winter Ascent of the East face of the CIC...

Following an upping the ante lightning raid on Tunbridge Wells by team Chambre Neuf sponsored heroes, the dossers of the true House of Psyche- the one and only Banff Fortnum and Mason - today completed the first winter ascent of the greatest chimney line in the British mountains.

Helped by once in a lifetime conditions, this route is a stunning example of the Best the West has to offer with a tenuous traverse gaining the striking chimney line all on vertical quarter inch thick ice (you've already said that, get on with it-Ed).

Fairy Wife, LochABBA's finest snow slide poodle tipped off the team in between rounds of fired art latté prompting a quick last-minute training session at the Kinlochleven icicle parlour the evening before.


Not being sponsored heroes, the team- Stevie Wonder and Captain Vivacious (the route not requiring double can openers, the Turnipmaker was left in his cage at the van), were unable to procure bouldering mats, so the final grade accounts for the severe groundfall potential braved. Due to the thin nature of the route a belay was also deemed superfluous, the crux sit-down start (see exclusive photo sequence below) was dispatched by Stevie Wonder on the second attempt following a close-shave with haemorrhoids (repeat ascensionists are advised to insulate critical areas). Captain Vivacious then strapped it on, stepping in to complete the traverse and chimney, ending, in the modern vogue, at the finish of technical difficulties just short of the summit.

Stevie Wonder on the sit-down start sequence to Last Great Chimney on Ben Nevis, Font WI 10 X
© Jinglestop, Gaz, Wife, Turnipmaker


Pent-up Fool (yes that's his real name, the leader of the alpha Chambre Neuf sponsored hero team), rumoured to be currently crying into his onion soup in Chamonix, is putting together a one-off expedition to lochABBA, the lucrative business of Cream Guides extreme hill walking temporally put on hold- though the trip is being combined with an extreme hill walking marketing drive at the Fortnum and Mason Festival of Hillwalking Porn. Earlier, he contacted Fairy Wife to discuss the possibility of the route banking out slightly as his premier top-rope poodle Knickerbocker Glory has suffered a slight setback in the wrist department due to overtraining. The remaining team member Elspeth Tremblers, just back from his latest abseiling and snow-wading venture was also seen crying into his onion soup on seeing just how amazing conditions were, and as the newest member of the team is unsure as to how to deal with the aura of Randy Pynes, who will be accompanying them for their latest documentary series on CBEEBIES.

Sadly, the Wild West's finest news correspondent, Roberta Jinglestop of Lowland Ramblers missed the ascent due to caramel-scented smoke intoxication acquired while practicing snow hovel seduction for his extreme hill walking test. Fortunately, one Tomato Cripley, of Universal Klinging Conversing was on hand to witness, but having recently acquired a life-ban from the hallowed ground for biscuit stealing, was forbidden to attempt the line.


Anyway, back to the more serious nature of the route. Following ground-up pre-inspection of key placements, Vivacious pulled out all the stops, combining multiple gratuitous shakeouts and hand swaps whilst managing not to fall off for a change. Reaching the end of technical difficulties, Captain Vivacious had to consult Muriel Scott by radiophone as to the ethics and technique of placing a lower-off bolt. However, this sacrilege was avoided as the batteries in the Hilti had run flat following the recent demise of the CIC wind turbine (was this caused by unusually large amounts of hot air?), forcing a tenuous downclimb instead. Neglecting his spotting duties Stevie Wonder was meanwhile scoping the potential on the North Face, but due to the rightwards-traversing nature of the line he decided to leave this for the Sheffield specialists.


So, to the all-important question of the grade... Stevie Wonder feels that in the Aiguilles de Langdale, it would be a minimum of Font WI 10 X for the sit start (without a pad, spotters, or the aforementioned insulation), whilst Vivacious feels that the chimney deserves at least Font WI 7++++. However, Guido Gobertson (unsportingly scratching a classic **** HVS with Bendy Blondie having been beaten to the line), observed from on high between bouts of blizzarding inferno that the line would only warrant grade III on the fearsome cliffs of Lochdinagarage. A round of celebratory deep fried Mars Bars greeted the ascensionists on their return to the House of Psyche having survived the descent in spite of Stevie Wonders famous inability to slide downhill (normally preferring the somewhat more direct free fall technique). The route has provisionally been named Fool Can't Cut the Onion ... but should team Chambre Neuf succeed, the Banff brigade is open to negotiation for a small fee of free gear. It will be interesting to see what oxygen-assisted hill walking grade Fool gives the climb given his extensive experience- consultation with the uber (but not huber) extreme hill walker Highline Jinx may be necessary.

We do apologise for the above being far less entertaining than the now-famous recent account of the ascent of The Know How on the Onion, this is due to the authors having far more climbing to do as well as frivolous pursuits (no wrist injuries here). Finally, for those of you who have nothing better to do, not being contractually tied to CBEEBIES, we are able to present the following video which actually includes some genuine cutting edge clambering. WARNING: this film is rated 18 months as it has extensive footage of grown men playing with their tools.

VIDEO: A GROWN MAN PLAYING WITH HIS TOOL - Rated: 18 months but "work safe"

Editing: by Marshall Gaz
Production: Roberta Jinglestop

With thanks to Fairy Wife and the Turnipmaker

Sponsored by Cream Guides

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14 Feb, 2008
Are we going to have this same joke monthly now, Mick, or what? jcm
14 Feb, 2008
It wasn't funny the first time, but this is bordering on an insult to humour.
14 Feb, 2008
Not more of this bollocks. It was neither funny nor original the first time round, now we have to put up with more of this drivel.
14 Feb, 2008
Dudes, lighten up will you. John you get back to your discussion about pissing dogs. This is but one feature at UKC that we have recently published. It all adds to the great mix of content we have at Flurry of winter desperates from Guy Robertson by Jack Geldard Alpine Reminiscence 2007 by Nick Bullock Vallee Blanche Full Moon Descent by Jon Griffith UK Bouldering 2007: The UK's Best Boulderers by Tom Dixon I Want That Job! - Maurizio Oviglia, International Climbing Journalist by Jack Geldard - Assistant Editor UK Trad 2007 by Jack Geldard - Assistant Editor UK Sport Climbing 2007 by Stuart Littlefai 123 My First Outdoor Lead Essays. And our news page, the most popular climbing news page in the World. And we are only just getting into our stride. Hell of a lot more coming up across the full range of the climbing and mountaineering experience from both the well-known and the not well known. Excuse this brief willy waiving. Please carry on with your critique as is your right. But also consider that we all have different sense of humours, some will hate this, some indifferent, some will love it. And only a select few will comment. Mick
14 Feb, 2008
Mick, a lot of the recent articles and news stories posted on here have been excellent, informative and enjoyable, but that doesn't change the fact that only a disabled shrimp would find this amusing. Sorry. I'm sure a few people out there will find it hilarious, but for the vast majority I think it's safe to say that this is actually painful to read.
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