Admit it, you're guilty. When you fall off, it's never your fault. The conditions weren't right, your belayer is an inattentive fool and the latest rock shoes you bought just aren't up to scratch. They say a workman never blames his tools. A climber, on the other hand, can apportion blame for failure to a seemingly endless list of both plausible and immaterial causes.

The most imaginative of climbers have an eye for detail when it comes to conjuring excuses reasons for falling off. Logic goes out the window and all manner of incongruous cause-and-effect explanations come to the fore. Inadequate morphology, unknown external influences, pre-session nocturnal alcohol consumption or previously uncharted fluctuations in gravitational forces - all legitimate reasons for those with expertise in excuses.

What's the most ludicrous excuse for falling off that you've ever heard? It may well feature in this list. Walls have ears...

I Fell off Because…

1. It’s a high gravity day
2. The walk-in tired me out
3. My shoes are too old
4. My shoes are too new
5. My shoes are too big
6. My shoes are too small
7. My shoes were dirty
8. The route was chossy
9. I didn’t have a cup of tea beforehand
10. I didn’t have Weetabix for breakfast
11. I wanted to do a practice fall
12. I climbed yesterday
13. I haven’t climbed since yesterday
14. My hands were greasy
15. The hold was wet
16. I ran out of chalk
17. My chalk isn’t absorbent enough
18. I used too much chalk
19. The tick marks threw me off
20. I had a cooking injury last night and cut my finger
21. I was live-updating my UKC Logbook
22. It started raining
23. The wind blew me off
24. The sun came out
25. The sun disappeared

26. My belayer pulled the rope tight
27. It was sabotage
28. The pads were in the way
29. My mate gave me rubbish beta
30. Crimps aren’t my thing
31. Slopers aren’t my forte
32. My fingers are too fat for pockets
33. Jugs aren’t my strongpoint…
34. I’m too short
35. I’m too tall
36. My legs are too long
37. My arms are too short
38. My legs are too short
39. My arms are too weak
40. I’m not flexible enough
41. Falling looks great on a GoPro
42. My skin is sore
43. My feet are achy
44. My training program only started 6 months ago
45. I’m due to peak in a week’s time
46. I’m too old
47. I’m too young
48. I’m past my physical prime
49. I’m more of a boulderer
50. I’m more of a trad climber
51. I’m more of a sport climber
52. I’m more of a rambler or scrambler than a dangler
53. I'm more of an alpine climber
54. I'm more of an armchair climber. Wait, what?!...

55. The route wasn’t my style
56. The route was rubbish
57. Rockfax told me to go the wrong way…
58. The crag was too busy
59. The crag was too quiet
60. I ate too many baguettes
61. I didn’t have my protein shake
62. I drank too much last night
63. I didn't drink enough last night
64. I didn’t do my yoga this morning
65. The ambience wasn’t right
66. The route has clearly changed
67. The jug fell off
68. There was a spider
69. Thee was a snake
70. There was a bird
71. There was bird poo on the hold
72. The hold broke
73. I didn’t want to polish the holds
74. The bolts ran out
75. The bolts were rock-coloured and camouflaged
76. My belayer farted
77. I farted and lost my body tension
78. I forgot to breathe

79. A dog barked
80. A bird laughed at me menacingly
81. Local youths shouted abuse at me
82. My phone rang
83. I didn’t want to show up my mate
84. I didn’t want to get too tired
85. I got a whiff of smelly climbing shoe
86. Onsighting is boring anyway
87. I like the challenge of redpointing
88. I wanted to pretend I was Superman
89. I wanted to pretend I could fly
90. Falling looks cool
91. Adam Ondra falls off lots anyway
92. My beanie fell over my eyes
93. I got chalk in my eye
94. I got grit in my eye
95. I got muscle cramp in my forearms
96. I got Elvis leg
97. I got grit rash
98. I spent too much time on the UKC forums this week
99. I don’t ‘do’ tufas
100. My spotter pulled me off
101. A drone flew past
102. There was too much rope-drag
103. My mum told me to come down
104. I don’t climb well on Wednesdays
105. Nor any day ending in a ‘y’
106. I was wearing too many layers

107. My lycra was so bright it dazzled me
108. I rested too little yesterday
109. I rested too much
110. I got too hot
111. I got too cold
112. My mate put a brick in my chalkbag
113. Nobody was shouting “Allez!”
114. People were shouting “Allez!”
115. There were too many spectators
116. There weren’t enough spectators
117. I spent too long trying to remember what the guy did in the YouTube beta video
118. I wanted to log “DNF” in my UKC logbook
119. The route wasn’t in season
120. My picks are too blunt
121. Conditions were not perfect
122. Conditions were “smeggy”
123. Conditions were "disappointing"
124. Conditions were [insert pretentious synonym for 'wet']

125. The wind changed direction
126. My photographer wasn't there to capture the ascent anyway
127. The light was flat
128. I got summit fever
129. I was actually on the wrong route
130. I mistook the 5c for the 9a beside it
131. I didn’t want to resort to trying hard and swearing profusely
132. My hair blew in my face
133. The friction coefficient was less than ideal
134. My nails were too long
135. My biceps are so big I couldn’t lock-off low enough
136. I broke a nail
137. I didn’t have my lucky sending underwear on
138. I didn't perform my pre-redpoint ritual
139. I don’t like the colour of my mate’s rope
140. The quickdraw bit me
141. I got out of the wrong side of bed this morning
142. The girl before me put grease on the holds
143. My shoelace came undone
144. I haven’t cut my toenails this week
145. Someone on UKC said it was “tough for the grade.”
146. My knot got caught on the rock
147. I just slipped
148. I let go…
149. The best climber is the one having most fun…and I wasn’t having fun…
150. I'm not Chuck Norris. Nor am I Alex Megos.