UKC

So there's this american nun and she calls in a plumber for a dripping tap and the plumber says

"Look - I've fixed yer tap but you're going to have to stop hanging that gown on there or it'll just break again."

"Okay," says the nun "I'll remember to hang it elsewhere."

Next day the plumber gets called out again and finds the gown hanging on the tap again:

"Now remember what I said - it's the weight of this gown that's doing it - you must remember to hang it somewhere else."
"Okay - I'll put it on the bed instead".

Next day the plumber gets another callout and is amazed to find, yet again, the gown hanging on the tap. He confronts the nun once again:

"Look, I know you're a nun so I'm trying to be polite but why on earth can't you get it into your head that you mustn't hang your gown off that tap?"

"I'm sorry," says the nun ......



.... "it's faucet of habit".

In reply to quadmyre:

ffs, that's terrible!

In reply to Bonkers Dog:

The clue was in the title.

I'm afraid to say I made it up myself while making a cup of tea.

[hangs head in shame]

In reply to Bonkers Dog:

worst ever?

In reply to quadmyre:


Pour the tea over your head and book a taxi home.

In reply to quadmyre:
There's a darts match in the convent.
The first nun throws her first dart: triple 20.
She throws her second dart: 20
She throws her third dart, and by some freak it bounces off the frame, goes through her eye, pierces her brain and she dies on the spot.

The announcer says:

























"One nun dead and eighty!"

In reply to quadmyre: what do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head?


Sister Matic

In reply to quadmyre:

Mother superior is in the bath. A sister nun calls her and says "There's a blind man here looking for you."

The MS says "Well he'll have to wait, I'm in the bath."

The sister goes off to explain, and returns saying "He says he can't wait, he's very busy today."

The MS thinks, wait a minute, he's blind, so it doesn't matter that i'm in the bath. "Ok, send him in."

So the sister shows him in, and he says....



..."Nice tits, where do want these blinds then?"

In reply to Removed User: Two nuns sharing a bath. One says: 'Where's the soap?"
"Yes. doesn't it..."

In reply to quadmyre:
It's a little known fact that moles need sugar to survive. They find the sugar by the acute sense of smell they have. One year there was a sugar famine and as many moles were beginning to die it was decided to mount an expedition to find some sugar.

So the moles set off in single file, the oldest, wisest, most experienced mole at the front, through to the youngest apprentice mole at the back.

After some time with no sugar to be sniffed out, the appentice mole pipes up "I smell sugar"

The other moles scoffed and laughed and carried on their way.

A short time later the apprentice mole again says "I smell sugar"

The other moles, more annoyed this time, say "Look, you're here to learn, shut up and stay at the back"

A short time later the apprentice mole again says "I smell sugar"

This really annoys the other moles and the biggest mole comes up and gives him a slap, saying "Shut up and stay at the back".

A short time later the apprentice mole again says "I smell sugar"

This time more moles join in and beat the apprentice mole to within an inch of his life.

They carry on with the apprentice mole crawling along at the back in a really bad way, but he just can't help himself and says "I smell sugar".

Again, the moles turn on him and say "That's it, this time we are going to kill you", but the oldest and wisest moles stops them and says:









"Hold on, he can't smell sugar - he can smell mole asses!"

In reply to Hugh Janus:

Oh my god, I didn't realise I could groan so deeply.

In reply to quadmyre:

Modern-day Trafalgar

Just prior to the battle at Trafalgar:-:

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's
the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson: "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race,
gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability". "What
gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunity
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors,
lest it be considered racist"

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free work
environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let's splice the main
brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full
speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest
please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And
they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone
up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the bridge, Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled! I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even
to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing
the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the
crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing
in too much salt. haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men
to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid
lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying
that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."

Nelson: "Don't tell me, health and safety, whatever happened to rum, sodomy
and the lash?"

Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "It's a tradition that's still to be encouraged, sir."

Nelson: "In that case. kiss me Hardy."

In reply to quadmyre:

So....

Ghandi - Fabulous, wonderful man, Guru, Yogi and sooth-sayer one might say, but all that walking around in bare feet made them very hard and rough, which was no good for this already very frail little chap, and all that strong spicy food unfortunately kept people at arms length due to his rather pungent breath, making him a......

(say it quick)

Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed by Halitosis.


I'll get my coat.....

In reply to El Cap:
Like it!

In reply to Cookie:

2 nuns driving through the county, the Devil jumps out in front of their car. The first nun chants the Lord's prayer at him, but he just covers his ears and advances towrads them, laughing. The second nun throws some holy water at him, but he just dodges out of the way and carries on coming.

"What shall we do ?" says one of the nuns.
"I know", says the other, "Show him your cross".
"Good idea", says the the first nun.


......


" OY, GET THE F*CK OUT OF OUR WAY, YOU CLOVEN-HOOVED, POINTY-TAILED LITTLE BAST*RD !!!!"

In reply to quadmyre:

The nuns are queueing up to enter heaven. St. Peter asks the first nun if she's ever touched a man's penis.
"Well", she says, "I did touch one, just with the tip of my finger, when I was very young".
"OK", says St. Pete, "Wash your finger in this holy water then you can come in.

The next nun admits she's once held a man's todger, so she has to wash her hand in the holy water before she can enter heaven.

Just then, there's a skirmish at the back of the queue, as one nun tries to push her way further forward.
"What's going on back there ? ", demands St. Pete.

The nun says "Well, if I'm going to have to gargle with that stuff, I want to get there before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it !"

In reply to Lord Percy:

No, don't get your coat. That is v good.

In reply to El Cap:

pmsl

In reply to El Cap:
Touch of genius there El Cap. Love it. Now engraved on my heart.

In reply to Gordon Stainforth:
Okay then.....here we go...

So there's these two Eskimos, and they're paddling their canoe throught the icy waters for miles and miles, on a seal hunt, through the broken ice sheets and bergs etc....
They start getting very, very cold, so one of them piles up all the spare equipment in the middle and set light to it, with a view to gaining to some precious warmth. Needless to say in a short time the fire burns through the bottom, sending them both to a cold and watery death.

Proving.......















You can't have your Kayak and heat it..

In reply to Gordon Stainforth:

And.....


A bus, carrying only ugly people, crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. They, then, get to meet their Maker and, because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each; before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up and God asks the first one what the wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous, "

and so, God snaps His fingers and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous, too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while. But, when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor; laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calm s down and says.....
































"Make 'em all ugly, again."

In reply to quadmyre: I heard a joke yesterday that is both incredibly geekish and truly terrible.

Why does a Hamiltonian operator not live in the suburbs? Because it doesn't commute.

I think it's a painful joke because if you get it its possibly a major indictment of yourself.

In reply to Liam M:

Ah ! You reminded me !

What do you get if you cross a sheep and a goat ?

sine goat cos sheep tan theta.

.... and what do you get if you cross a bergschrund with a mountaineer ?

You can't, one of them's a scalar.

Y (coat in hand.)