/ What does one do?

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r0x0r.wolfo - on 12 Jan 2013
When his dad has died. How do you care about anything else?
abzmed on 12 Jan 2013
In reply to r0x0r.wolfo:

Deepest sympathy.

I found in the early stages I felt like that, the old saying "time is a great healer" to me seemed a bit misleading.
I found that time allowed me to be able to look back on all our years together and manage to smile and laugh about all the good and happy memories without falling into a total sobbing wreck.
The sudden "it hits you" become less and less and you find yourself able to talk about it all rationally, without feeling a total wuss.

This, along with however you deal with things personally, is totally normal.
Grieve in your own way and in your own time, that, unfortunately is all you can do.
However, things will get / appear / feel better eventually.
All the best.
ice.solo - on 12 Jan 2013
In reply to r0x0r.wolfo:

one sees about himself all that lives on of his father, that his father was more than the some of his parts, that tho a great part is gone, other parts remain, and that some of those parts only his son can see because much of it you carry yourself.
much of what you knew of your father is also you.

much of what appears to be missing is not. you will find it in unlikely places.
r0x0r.wolfo - on 12 Jan 2013
I'm 22. I don't know what he died of yet. He was fit and healthy till a few weeks ago. I didn't even know he was ill till i got the call, he died at home. Refused to go to hospital. The doctors didnt have a appointment for a week. Was so focused on getting essays done i hadnt seen him over christmas much. I went and saw him... My brothers are now alone and have asked me to move back in, im not sure how they will survive. Chris doesnt earn in a month what he earned in a week. 

He was the best dad anyone could have ever had. He bent over backwards to help anyone, and worked himself into the ground for us when we were younger. Everyone loved him and always asked about him. Im pretty sure he was more popular with my friends than I am. We shared a common love of music, he came to all of my gigs. Even drove the band and fans down in a minibus and put us all up in a hotel on his points he earned whilst working away. I can't imagine playing without him.
TMM on 12 Jan 2013
In reply to r0x0r.wolfo:

Horrible news. I dread the day when I find myself in your position.

What would your dad want you to do?

What can you do in your life to maintain all the positive things he brought those closest to him?

I think you already have the answers.

Take care of yourself and those around you.
Dax H - on 12 Jan 2013
In reply to r0x0r.wolfo: I really feel for you, I was 34 when my dad died suddenly and it was hard.
I suppose I was lucky in that I was forced to take over running the buisiness about a hour after I got the news so I did not have time to grieve.

Spend as much time with your family as you can and just take it day by day, you will never ever forget and little things will pop in to your head all the time even years later but it will get easier.
omerta on 12 Jan 2013
In reply to r0x0r.wolfo:

It's odd, this thread. I was thinking of posting about my dad; he died in September and I had a bad day yesterday. Came home on the train penning my post in my mind, but in the end, I decided against it. My heart goes out to you, I know how awful it is.

What I found - and here I must insert the caveat that grief is a truly unique thing - is that with any luck, and the odds are stacked in your favour, you are more resilient than you suspect. My dad's brother flew over from Canada a week later and with him he brought a book, 'The Other Side Of Sadness,' by George Bonanno ( which explains very well how, yes, you will hurt at first and you will feel terrible for some time, real life does come back to you; you don't necessarily fall apart at the seams. And when I began to resume normality, if it was just laughing at something or forgetting about dad for 4, 5 seconds even, it helped so much because the guilt you feel is assuaged. We are wired to carry on. We are programmed to come through things.

How do you care about anything else? Well, at first, I didn't. I still don't care about a lot that I used to. I could get very bundled up in what people thought of me, in why someone I worked with had blanked me, little things like that which I blew up to be great events in my life, because I was bored or egotistical or something else. And now, I don't give a f*ck about a lot of stuff, because death puts it all into perspective. I would cut my left arm off to have my Dad back, but in lieu of that, I just try very hard to take the positives from it.

He was suffering and had done for some time; it wasn't anything particularly serious but it was a series of things which exhausted and frustrated him, a man who'd been 6'5, very verbose, very clever. He could hold a room in the palm of his hand. And now he was struggling to get out of a chair, had to take 10 pills a day. To some people, that may have still represented a decent quality of life but for him, he'd had enough. He'd always joked, too, that he would die at 74. He died 9 months shy of his deadline.

I had a few experiences very early on which were undoubted expressions. Firstly, I was sick for about 3 weeks. I couldn't keep anything down. My doctor gave me medication but even that was rejected by my body. I lost weight, I became very gaunt and heady because I couldn't eat. I slept very heavily at first, and then that abandoned me to the typical bleakness of 2-4am. I remember getting up on a few occasions and going out walking round the streets where I lived. Often, it was raining. I'd walk in the middle of the road, not caring. 3 days after he died, I had a surge of anger and rage so immense it frightens me to think about it now. But then, it captured me. It was a wave and I rode it, down the stairs and into the lounge where I smashed a solid glass door with my hands. Looking back, I can't imagine doing that; I'm tall and I'm strong but the emotional impetus for such physical destruction seems alien to me now. But grief, like love, asserts itself. And that was simply one way it came out.

Caring about stuff; the one thing about death that it's taught me is that it's okay to be selfish. It's okay to switch off. It's okay to take time for yourself. Again, another little thing that happened to me was a fortnight after Dad died, I took a train into work to talk to my boss. I'd held it together for the meeting and everything was lovely but on the way back, I was on a cramped train with some bloke in the seat next to me who seemed to think that I was just something to sit his briefcase and mac on. I gave him an absolute mouthful for it. I didn't care then and I don't care now. Let yourself off the hook. Now is not the time to beat yourself up with perceived shortcomings about not being able to submerge yourself in the world pre-loss. My dad fell ill on a flight coming home from New York and when we landed, the papers were full of the photos of Kate Middleton's topless shots. Another howl of anger came from me over that; how could people sit and read about that when I'd just lost my dad? When my sister had lost her dad? When my mum was a stunned widower? It wears off, but there's nothing wrong with not caring.

It's been almost 4 months since we lost dad, and it does get easier. But it's a very personal journey, and whilst I think I'm doing okay, I know people who've gone through long periods of self-destruction. Try and eat regularly, try and sleep. Take time off work if you really can't manage it but a routine DOES help. Making even the token gestures towards normality helps. If, at work, I'm having a 'f*ck it all' day, I just plug my iPod in. Noone says a word, either. It keeps me sane and away from a babble of chatter which to me, in that black mood, seems like a luxury only bestowed upon those who don't know who grief is. Other days, I'm friendly and play along. And I do this for ME.

I don't know how helpful this post has been, but I just wanted to let you know that it's okay, truly, not to care about stuff for a bit.

Feel free to e-mail me if you want to chat more

Love to you and your family at this time
r0x0r.wolfo - on 12 Jan 2013
In reply to r0x0r.wolfo: Hey, it says that you do not wish to recieve emails. I am so sorry you lost your dad too.
omerta on 12 Jan 2013
In reply to r0x0r.wolfo:

Thank you

Hang on, I'll change my profile
omerta on 12 Jan 2013
In reply to r0x0r.wolfo:

How about now? That should work, I hope
Yanis Nayu - on 12 Jan 2013
In reply to r0x0r.wolfo: You're still pretty young to go through that, although it's hard whatever age you are. I'd equate it to a bomb going off in your head with unpredictable aftershocks.

Everyone finds their own way through it. Just remember that your dad would have wanted you to care about everything else )))

r0x0r.wolfo - on 12 Jan 2013
In reply to r0x0r.wolfo: Hey it has still not worked :/. Thank you to everyone who has post. I'm finding it difficult to get back to everyone but i am reading.

omerta on 12 Jan 2013
In reply to r0x0r.wolfo:

I've mailed you instead!
Ava Adore - on 12 Jan 2013
In reply to r0x0r.wolfo:

Wow, sounds like you had a fantastic dad.

You can be selfish and self-indulgent for a while. Which means you don't have to reply to people on this forum - no-one expects it anyway, they just want to offer anything helpful they can. You can scream and rant and cry at your friends and they will be happy to let you and to listen. You can overeat and have the odd drink more than normal. It's all about finding ways to blot out the feelings until you feel ready to cope with them.

Big hugs. X
Gazlynn - on 12 Jan 2013
In reply to r0x0r.wolfo:

Firstly All my sympathies.

I don't have any answers, everyone deals with it in their own way.

My Dad died when I was 17 years old. I am now 44 so a bit easier now to look back at that time.

This might seem a really weird thing to say as I still love and miss him greatly and look back at the pain his death caused me and the family but I can now though think and look back at the positives that came from his death.

The relationship that I now have with my mum and sister since my dads death is unbelievable, the bond we have is strong and is of massive importance to me.
I am certain that this flourished from the grieving we did together.

I don't really know why I'm posting this and please take this with a pinch of salt. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that it does get better over time.

Good luck with everything.


ollieollie - on 12 Jan 2013
In reply to r0x0r.wolfo: i have no answers for you mate but my thoughts are with you! just do your own thing
LaMentalist on 12 Jan 2013
In reply to r0x0r.wolfo:

In difficult and painful times , the warrior faces overwhelming odds with heroism , resignation and courage .

Try to be strong , rest and eat well when you can . Look after yourself so you can help those close to you . And don't be frightened to ask for help or to talk or for a hug when you need it too .

Leon .
r0x0r.wolfo - on 12 Jan 2013
In reply to r0x0r.wolfo: Hey thankyou so much for your support. I feel so much now for people who have lost loved ones. Most people have said they can't imagine what it is like, which when they can't is the best thing they can say tbh. It's very repectful. You can't really contemplate this feeling, it just floors you.

Yes, my dad was fantastic. I just do not have enough words to describe what a genuinely good selfless person he was.
JJL - on 12 Jan 2013
In reply to r0x0r.wolfo:

Aw shit. That's hard. And it'll stay hard for a long time, but it will also change.

It's 4 years and 2 months now for me and still raw sometimes, especially the terrible finality of it. In an odd way I don't really want the rawness to go completely. It means I still care and remember and value it.

It sounds like you love him very much; he will have known this so be kind to yourself.
redsonja - on 12 Jan 2013
In reply to r0x0r.wolfo: im really sorry to hear about your dad. i wish i could say something that would help. xx
Bertbee - on 12 Jan 2013
In reply to r0x0r.wolfo:

Gutted for you. My dad died when I was 26, about a year and a half ago.
I was able to spend some time with him before he went, as we knew it was on the cards. Following his passing, I was lucky enough to spend a couple of weeks my family, before booking a two-week holiday away with my partner - giving me a needed buffer before getting back on with the rest of life!

It sounds obvious - but give yourself some slack and let yourself grieve. Other people will understand, so it's important you don't punish yourself for having bad days etc. when it's totally understandable.

Ask for help, and don't bottle up any emotions.

Oh, and real men DO cry. Surprising how much it can help.
puppythedog on 12 Jan 2013
In reply to r0x0r.wolfo: I've not experienced a loss like this. I can't imagine how it feels. I have supported people who have experienced grief including some men when their father's have died.
Be free to feel whatever you feel, it is normal and natural. Show yourself the love and compassion he has shown you and try not to over-think, just be. Beyond that things that help you cope with other things will help a bit now.
My deepest sympathies
Edradour - on 12 Jan 2013
In reply to r0x0r.wolfo:

Sorry for your news. My dad died 7 years ago when I was 24 at this time of year.

My sister and I were talking about it last night and it's strange, neither of us cried much at the time and just sort of carried on. Looking back I probably didn't grieve at the time and we both still have random days or moments when we're overwhelmed with incredible sadness.

As others have said, it's a personal journey. There is no map. I remember being very tired in the immediate aftermath.

With a little time I found it easier to remember his life rather than his death which I think is an important step. My mum still doesn't do this and fixates on the last (miserable) two months of his life which I think is very sad.

Any advice sounds contrite but remembering the laughter and the good times helped me move past the sadness somewhat.

My thought are with you. PM me if you want some support.
Bertbee - on 16 Jan 2013
In reply to r0x0r.wolfo:

How are you coping?
Lion Bakes on 16 Jan 2013
In reply to r0x0r.wolfo:

My dad died of a massive heart attack when I was 16. I'd spoken to him not 5 mins earlier. He'd been working on the family car. In 80's that was fairly common! My mother came in and found him dead on the sofa. He tea still cooling that he'd made when I pop upstairs ready to go to town. I went to see him in repose at the funeral parlour, to say good bye. My brother didn't want to go. My dad was 51.

I went to my cousins funeral recently, at 47, from cancer. I took my uncle to the bar for a drink at the wake. He's married to my fathers sister. We talked about my fathers death, 30 years on. About how his sister still misses him terribly, how my mother was. As children we only really dealt with our own grief at the time. Now 30 years later we still learn more of others grief for our father.

Care about everything, care about those left behind, care about life.

They say we die 3 times

1. When we die
2. When we are buried / cremated
3. When the last thought on earth is had about us

Don't let 3 happen for the longest time, and as long as you breath...
marsbar - on 16 Jan 2013
In reply to r0x0r.wolfo: Thinking of you and your brothers.
I like climbing - on 16 Jan 2013
In reply to r0x0r.wolfo:
I'm so sorry for you. I don't know what the answer is. My father has cancer so I've thought about this a lot since we found out.
Baron Weasel - on 17 Jan 2013
In reply to r0x0r.wolfo: I'm sorry mate.

My dad has two seperate cancers, both under control at the moment. When I found out about the second one it was at the same time my wife lost our baby mid term.

Spent a lot of time out on my bike, day and night until I came off on ice and hurt myself - I was trying to be strong for those around me hurting too, but in reality I was bottling everything up. This made everything worse when it did finally reach the surface and I had something of a break down. I made a rare visit to the GP and asked to see a councillor, which really helped and wasn't as weird as i thought it would be.

All I can say is don't bottle it up, it will hurt like hell and there is no shame in crying or screaming if you need.
Kevin Woods - on 17 Jan 2013
In reply to r0x0r.wolfo:
> (In reply to r0x0r.wolfo) Hey thankyou so much for your support. I feel so much now for people who have lost loved ones. Most people have said they can't imagine what it is like, which when they can't is the best thing they can say tbh. It's very repectful. You can't really contemplate this feeling, it just floors you.
> Yes, my dad was fantastic. I just do not have enough words to describe what a genuinely good selfless person he was.

I understand this. I also can't imagine what your going through. So my sympathies. My friend died when I was 18 and it shook me to the core. I remember feelings that were inexplainable in their depth and now enough time has passed that I've forgotten them (Wrote and wrote screeds, could never quite find the words to say what I wanted to). I did eventually go back to normal again but for a long time I wondered if I ever would. I hope you can too. I'm a year older than you (assuming your profile is correct) so I really can't imagine that... Sorry I can't offer more. Very best wishes.
krikoman - on 17 Jan 2013
In reply to r0x0r.wolfo: lost mine 16 years ago, was angry and couldn't understand how everyone else just carried on with their own lives, surely the world should stop and do something not just carry on.

Most important, and you won't want to because it bring back the feeling of loss, but, talk about him, that way he's never gone.

I miss mine just about every day and regret we didn't spend more time together, but it easier as time passes, onestly.

I made a joke about mine being dead about two years ago, it was really weird, but I knew I'd moved on by doing so.

Be aware and don't supress your feelings, they sneak up on you and catch you unawares sometimes. Months after my dad died I was out in a pub one night and just cried and cried for about 10 minutes (felt really stupid), my mate gave me a hug and and said something quite profound, for him, which was, "he wouldn't want you to be this sad". It was true but it all came out of the blue, it does that sometimes.

Good luck, sorry for your loss.
John Lewis - on 17 Jan 2013
In reply to r0x0r.wolfo: 16 years ago for me, and I had almost nothing to do with him as my parents were not together. Initially I lived in denial, but a timely comment from a friends mum 6 months later brought it all home. We had never been close although, we just started to get to know each other in the last couple of months. My assertion that I hardly knew him to all who asked belied the fact, my grief was for what now could never be.

It's tough, you are reltivly young, and its very recent. Right now it will dull everything else, and that's fine and right. In time you will find you care about things again. Use this time to reflect on him, and don't fret about other things, there time will come in due course.
John_Hat - on 17 Jan 2013
In reply to r0x0r.wolfo:

First of all, much sympathy to you and others on this thread.

This was the position I was in a few years ago, Dad died just after Christmas. He was 83, I was 36.

I guess I was so busy supporting my mum, who understandably went to pieces, that I didn't have much time to think too much about things from my own perspective. I was too busy speaking to his friends, arranging funeral, coroner, etc, that I got tied up in the practicalities of it all, which in retrospect meant I didn't have much time for thinking.

Hence the immediate grieving never really happened, and by the time I had time to myself to do so the moment had passed.

I guess the short answer is no, I didn't care about anything else, apart from the immediacies of mum and arranging things for a good six weeks. Basically just concentrated on those and let the rest of my life take a back seat until I felt happy to pick it up.

However, a few things I'd say to you would be:

1. Rather than concentrating on the fact he's not here any more, concentrate on what he achieved when he was alive.

2. Remember that it is entirely normal for parents to pre-decease their kids. It's bl**dy horrible at the time, but this day was going to come sooner or later.

3. You'll get over it in time, but this will happen in its own time, not to any schedule you might want to set. Your job is to hang on in there until that time comes.

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