UKC

Being a climber in lockdown isn't easy. We're used to both the freedom of the hills and rubbing shoulders with sweaty bodies in crowded walls, neither of which are currently on the cards. Leading a socially-distanced life is the status quo for some climbers but for most of us, maintaining some semblance of a climbing life while at home is being shared with friends online in various and sometimes irritating ways.

Here are ten climbing character profiles that you might despise recognise in their online emergence during COVID-19. See how you would score in this Lockdown Climber Bingo...

Great stuff, can I add

12. The sneak out spoiler. 

Justifies their selfish actions using poor risk assessments which fail to include the influence their actions may have. Carry on climbing because climbers are special and they are special climbers. 

Risk spreading the virus, lengthening the lock down restriction and future crag access but that doesn't matter they are extra special and more important (see above). 

Ha! Just so.

Special, with your choice of phrase to follow. My choice would be 'little moppets', though other are available.

T.

Top marks to UKC for the article too.  Excellent stuff.

And for completeness

13. The sanctimonious signaller. 

Frustrated with the lock down and itching to get out. Takes out these frustrations by ranting on the Internet about the selfish behaviour of a few. Questions advice and policy, usually backed with data and/or critical thinking.

Points made may hold validity but seldom go down well. 

14. The sloth

Using the lockdown as an opportunity to do hardly any exercise and certainly nothing climbing specific while wearing out the keyboard by discussing such existential questions as ‘is it hypothetically ok to go climbing’ on UKC and Facebook. Fascinated to find out how much their climbing level will drop after this (self)imposed period of inactivity but living in hope that ‘trad cunning’ would somehow see them through even when the arms give out.

That’s me, at any rate. 

Well done for this - enjoyed it a lot!

... especially the 'Lawn Wall'!!

Nat - you've somehow categorised every climber in the world there.... Nice one!

Agreed - these sort of articles are usually a bit pained but this is  classic and has a nice dig at everyone. Very democratic!

I'm going to add

15. The cyclist.

These climbers have always had bikes and always enjoyed riding them, it was just until the lockdown they always considered themselves to be "a climber" - probably because it seemed cooler and more impressive. 

Once the lockdown began they grasped onto the fact that cycling is clearly stated as a form of exercise and is allowable as a "reasonable excuse" to leave the house, like a Titanic survivor clings to some floating jetsam. They will emerge from the lockdown unable to do a single pull up but with massive thighs.

Habitat: having anguished discussions on UKC about the ethics and epidemiology of cycling in Corona times; staring at maps to try and come up with new "about an hour" loops from their front door; and in the garage futzing with their bike.

The Sheffield-resident sub species of this group can be found cycling up the hills to the west to stare mournfully at the gritstone edges, whilst slightly worried they're about to get shamed on social media by Derbyshire police's drone unit.

Home Wall Humblebragger

I love that. Had to use it as a hashtag on my home wall humblebrag post. 😆

Yes, brilliant. Nails the lot of them. I hadn't really realised how much I despised some of them before reading this.

You perhaps ignore the indoor mountain rescue team...

https://www.facebook.com/268061513687727/posts/858461514647721/?d=n

13.  The usually excellent Andrew Bisharat has christened them The Scolds: https://eveningsends.com/pretending-not-to-climb/

In addition all of the above

16. The bloody Germans (including French-speaking Swiss).  In their depressingly efficient fashion they have a exit plan and the bastards are back doing Real Climbing. 

Great article. Brought a smile to my face though you did miss out me. I think I fall into the Sloth category as later described by Misha, or potentially:

The dog walker (like ‘The Cyclist’, a substitute activity zealot)

No longer left to wee on other climbers’ bags at the crag or stare frustratingly at the treat filled dog toy stuck under the kitchen chair after the ‘master’ snuck out to the climbing wall, this dog gets more attention than Covid 19 updates. Taken out on long walks to the park (it’s still the outdoors but midge free! Got to find the positives…) maybe twice a day, depending on the interpretation of lockdown rules and how far you can stretch an essential ‘comfort break’ excursion. These walks pass walls, trees, letter boxes, bridges, gable ends and other features that the desperate climber will re-assess for traverse or bouldering potential before remembering they’re supposed to ‘protect the NHS’. Dressed in faded belay jacket and euro pants, they tentatively check out others of their tribe on a swift bypass in the park to see if they know them outside of their usual hangouts, but it’s hard to make out facial features beneath an improvised face-mask and category 4 sunglasses.   

Interesting how the likes and dislikes for no. 12 balance each other out.

There are currently 21 usernames on the list for the bmc stasi to investigate. 

I despise myself! I'm a 5/10 at least in the climber lockdown bingo.

All the more praise then for the painfully accurate article!

I think you forgot the #17, the stories-addled climbing journalist type, desperate for inspiration and stories about anything else but climbing kitchen walls, social distancing, funny "ten character" lists or zoom interview backgrounds!

Although, seriously, your article did make me laugh, good stuff